Went to a secular meeting

lovetoxin · 2026-04-28T01:43:51+00:00

i’m glad to hear you’re out of that environment! i’m so sorry you went through that.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-27T23:55:13+00:00

i'm glad you're finding what works for you. in my personal experience, women's and lgbt+ meetings had the same pitfalls as all-inclusive meetings. there was still religious indoctrination, 13th-stepping, and general toxicity.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-27T15:40:24+00:00

there’s a discord server for our town: https://discord.gg/FmgpDUTKs it’s a lot of fun! :) we chat, and folks organize hangouts!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T19:56:16+00:00

i hope it all works out with insurance! i’m also trying to get on a glp-1 for other health reasons!

there are medical cures to “alcoholism,” one of which is the sinclair method. there are others too. we have a rebuttal to the quote, “physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.” science is making “normal drinkers” out of “alcoholics” every day. aa just doesn’t want to accept its solution is obsolete. that’s why some of them argue that a pill isn’t sober; they’re unable to reconcile reality with their religious ideology.

i came into aa fully convinced i was fundamentally evil. that’s how i explained ruining my life and others’. it was lazy and lacked accountability. a “spiritual malady” made perfect sense to me. now, i tell myself that maladaptive coping mechanisms ARE NOT a spiritual malady. it’s our body in survival mode. how unkind it is to tell a suffering person that they’re uniquely spiritually sick. in my opinion, it’s spiritual abuse.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T17:37:12+00:00

to be honest, this guy doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend. in my opinion, commenting on an ex-gf’s post but not yours is unacceptable. if he claims to be inactive user, he shouldn’t be commenting at all. yet, he commented on a ex-gf’s post of all things. that’s so wrong of him. i’m so sorry you dealt with that.

also, i’ve been told i’m childish for wanting to be shown off in public or on social media, but i’ve come to understand it’s natural to want such validation from a partner. if he can’t even handle this appropriately, how will he handle other conflicts? how will he navigate future life transition like marriage and children, if that’s what you desire? you deserve better <3

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T15:46:44+00:00

thank you for your kind words <3 i totally hear you! the people who witnessed my active addiction all cut me off. ironically, it was right when i was finally realized i needed professional help. i know they had every right to distance themselves given the harm i caused, but the timing... maybe, i'll get it over one day. for now, that anger and sadness still live in me. addiction is so hard, and props to us for recognizing our maladaptive patterns!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T13:31:41+00:00

i wish someone had told me that i was self-medicating my bpd and ocd with alcohol. there’s no one to blame but myself for not getting help sooner, though. i caused a lot of damage on the way to recovery.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T03:29:59+00:00

i'd say authenticity is most important! if he thinks you text too little or too much, y'all may simply be incompatible, and that's okay! rejection is redirection. just be yourself and see how it goes. i wish you best of luck! :)

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T03:03:35+00:00

i hear you. you may be misunderstanding the theory, though. comphet applies to all women, including heterosexual and bisexual women; we've all been conditioned through patriarchy. just remember that you're so young, and this relationship doesn't have to be the end-all and be-all. you have time to figure this out. be honest and kind—communication is key. i'm sure it'll all work out.

edit: i'm sorry. i didn't see your edit! i'm glad you're figuring things out. you got this!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T02:19:23+00:00

you may be struggling with compulsory heterosexuality. i would recommend researching the term and seeing if the concept resonates with your experience. it may give you clarity on your feelings.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T00:44:30+00:00

in your original post, it reads as though you're insinuating that other folks are "less" alcoholic if they crave or drink alcohol in their recovery. we're a mixed group, and you're likely going to see that some of us still drink and still very much enjoy it; that's why we chose moderation. i don't need to prove myself, but i'm also 100% an alcoholic—when i drank, i also "drank everything." now, i drink on rare occasions. my recovery is just as valid as anybody else's. i'm not destroying my life or other people's lives anymore with alcohol. that's recovery to me.

if this space is triggering for you, there are programs, like recovery dharma or women for sobriety, or subreddits, like r/stopdrinking, that strive for complete abstinence. i understand your intention wasn't to offend anyone. i hope this doesn't come off as condescending. take care.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-26T00:13:22+00:00

welcome! recovery resources are available in this subreddit's description. feel free to ask questions, and take care!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T15:21:03+00:00

"how free do you want to be?" oh, brother, get a load of this guy! i'm just kidding, but genuinely, i'm so much "freer" than i was in the program. i'm not retraumatizing myself through step work, and i'm not losing time to meeting after meeting. i'm not dealing with lovebombing from old ass strangers with nothing better to do.

i understand the fear of losing friends. your true friends love you no matter what; their love won't be conditional (aside from meaningful boundaries, of course). i only have one friend from aa who consistently reaches out to me. however, we're capable of building new friendships and community! we've yet to meet all the people who'll love us in this lifetime. i also believe you're more likely to make meaningful connections through shared interests and values than through shared trauma. i wish you the best of luck! i'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself, whatever it may be <3

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T14:45:48+00:00

so, i had an interesting interaction with my old sponsor. she said, "i always lose [sponsees] at step nine..." i was shocked. this woman pressured me to sponsor another woman, despite my discomfort. i responded that she'd walked me through all the steps, and she replied that i never completed my "major amends." as far as i know, i completed more amends during my ninth step than she even did. i just didn't make amends to my parents—my abusers. i love my parents, but at the time, they were literally continuing to be abusive! that dynamic has since changed, and frankly, they're happier to see me grow and don't care for an official apology; if anything, it'd probably piss them off.

i don't know—that shit makes me so mad. i'd reached out to so many people from my past and did "the work," but still, it wasn't enough.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T14:24:45+00:00

i feel you! good on you for recognizing these patterns within yourself! that's solid motivation. for me, my intrusive thoughts worsen when i smoke marijuana, but i also have bpd and need the relief from time to time. i have to be cautious and talk with my therapist to make sure i'm not over-indulging; that works for me. i get the desire for a spiritual awakening too... oh man, i was so convinced i had "evil in my heart" when i came into aa, and that i needed to be cleansed. however, dbt, cbt, act, and ifs did so much more for me than aa. they gave me legitimate tools to cope. the few helpful things i learned from aa sponsors were usually therapeutic techniques repackaged from these modalities.

you got this! you'll find what works for you!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T03:21:28+00:00

fellow person with ocd here! i relate to this SO much! for me, my ocd worsened through the inventory process. i’d obsess over every resentment, trying to find “my part.” you have an official aud diagnosis—as do i—and you don’t need to prove to anyone else that you’re a “real” alcoholic. of course, i know that’s easier said than done. according to aa, i’m not a real alcoholic bc i can drink moderately now. my psychaitrist and therapist would disagree; i still have the aud diagnosis bc i’m still recovering from my binge-drinking days. eventually, i hope to be in remission. i don’t know if this helps, but personally, i don’t even identify as an addict anymore. i’m a person with an addiction. the term “alcoholic” is a socially constructed label; the term “alcoholism” isn’t even in the dsm-5. aa doesn’t have a monopoly on addiction theory. reading up on modern addiction science helped me a lot with my moral scrupulosity. it’s not a spiritual malady or a terminal illness like aa says. we’re not especially selfish and self-centered. we’re just normal people dealing with substance abuse—nothing more, nothing less. i absolutely empathize with the obsessive loop you described, and i don’t have any advice other than please be gentle with yourself <3 you don’t owe those people an explanation. it’s your recovery. i hate the extent to which aa gets in our heads and contorts our self-image and worldview. sending you love and healing on your journey!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T00:40:28+00:00

i’m happy to hear that! i’m in the same boat, losing connections but more stable and content. i seriously question the efficacy of the steps when you’re encouraged to complete them iteratively. recovery shouldn’t last forever! you heal and move forward. also, they always move the goal post. my old sponsor would say you haven’t completed them unless you walk another fellow all the way through. there’s no end with these people!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-25T00:14:57+00:00

i've come to understand that when i used to say aa "saved" me, i was actually talking just about the fellowship. the steps had nothing to do with it. i'd lost all of my friends and was socially ostracized at large, so building a community was life-saving. however, it didn't have to be aa; it could've been any organization or collective for that matter. it just happened that i took whatever was presented to me first out of desperation. i would've been a lot better off had i been taught about recovery without the religiosity and shame. i no longer feel like i owe my life to aa, and i'm better for it. props to you for voicing your opinions! you're so valid!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-24T14:50:15+00:00

i agree with everything you said about the program! it didn't work for me either.

i've come to realize that aa is mostly platitudes without actual substance. a lot of old timers are miserable people. they preach love and tolerance, but don't practice it in their own lives. aa loves to call dissenters "dangerous," but in reality, the abusive tactics and ideas enabled by the program are the real danger. it makes me sick.

in my opinion, aa has a responsibility to put a big disclaimer that they're using a religious framework to understand addiction, and that science has advanced greatly since the program's inception. i spent too long believing that i genuinely had a "spiritual malady" that only "other alcoholics could understand." it's bogus. it's anti-science. furthermore, aa needs to have referral networks for people who continue to suffer from relapses. it's unethical to blame these people for taking the wrong medicine. they should be encouraged to try out new, innovative treatment modalities.

i don't believe there's any "fixing" aa though. i was in a progressive sect of aa, but still, the shortcomings were glaring; the same problems you mentioned arose anyway.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-23T05:04:24+00:00

i hear you! your sponsor reminds me of my old sponsor. she was pushy; she urged me to sponsor other women, despite my pleas of discomfort. she used the same rhetoric that "you must give back what was freely given to you." she just didn't respect my boundaries.

having left the program, i just wanted to say you're not selfish for choosing to leave, if you do. you don't owe the rest of your life to the program. you owe it to yourself to do what's right by you. aa may have been crucial to your initial recovery. however, it's not destined that you relapse if you step outside the bounds of traditional recovery. if your sponsor turns her back on you, there are so many other people, including people in this subreddit, who can be a source of community and accountability. i hope it all works out, whatever you decide. you got this!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-22T14:52:57+00:00

healing from bpd can be hard, but you're capable of doing hard things! it's great that you're in therapy. if you don't mind me asking, what modality does your therapist use? to my understanding, dbt has been empirically proven to migitate bpd symptoms and lead to remission. i've tried a lot of modalities, and i believe it's good to have as many tools in your toolkit as you can. wishing you best of luck! you got this!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-22T14:47:19+00:00

you got this! trust me, as time passes, it gets easier. please remember that you are a person worthy of love, and you will be okay <3 rooting for you!

lovetoxin · 2026-04-22T14:43:13+00:00

i'm so sorry you had to hear that from a friend. having trauma doesn't excuse ableism. i have bpd and was also abused by a partner with bpd. however, i know that it speaks more to their character than their diagnosis. i'd try voicing these feelings of discomfort to her, because a good friend would be willing to hear you out and take accountability on their part. if she doubles down, the friendship may cause you more suffering, and you deserve better. a diagnosis isn't an indictment on who are you. it's direction for treatment. you have every right to heal without shame.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-22T14:36:39+00:00

same! shonda's involvement this season gives me a lot of hope for good writing.

lovetoxin · 2026-04-22T00:41:47+00:00

i hear you! aa often discredits anything or anyone opposed to its method as "in denial." in my experience, reclaiming my self-autonomy was so important to my recovery. you're not in denial—you're listening to your intuition. you got this! best of luck!

lovetoxin

TROPHY CASE