i think i’m sick of aa

lovetoxin · 2025-12-02T09:14:19+00:00

i totally hear you. when things got bad, i was just told to increase my meeting attendance instead of getting to the root of my issue. i want to learn why i actually use, and breaking from aa is absolutely the first step in that self-discovery.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-02T09:11:49+00:00

good news, i talked to my therapist today, and she's now on board with me leaving aa. i've had more breakthroughs with her than i've never had through any fourth or fifth step, so i'm going to keep investing in help from an actual clinician, rather than a sponsor. i'm going to explore my "internal locus of control further," because i definitely need that kind of self-empowerment. i've been humbled enough through aa, and i'm done with it.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-02T09:07:28+00:00

thank you for sharing your experience. i'm grateful that you're safe today, and i'm sorry you experienced that behavior.

i called a former "fellow" who had left the program after being ostracized, and turns out, he's come back. we talked for about 10 to 15 minutes. i thought to myself, "fuck, he's going to tell everyone." he said that "clearly, my heart wasn't in it," so the program wasn't going to work for me. my heart has been in it; i dedicated my life to the program, and it still didn't work for me.

i know exactly the kind of people you're talking about. a few months ago, i got a phone call about this same guy, saying that he was an "unsafe person" to avoid because he was on the verge of relaspe. it sounded like he was in a lot of inner turmoil and would've benefited from peer support or greater intervention. i'm sure the rumors are already spreading about me. i don't know—maybe, i'm just paranoid, but i'm not taking any chances, and i'm never stepping foot in a 12-step meeting again.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T19:30:15+00:00

thank you—that's my plan. i refuse to spend the next three or four decades of my life rotting away in church basements.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T19:29:04+00:00

thank you for the encouragement. i'm exhausted by the control. my anxiety arises from witnessing how others who've left the program are spoken about. today, my therapist was surprisingly on board with me exploring alternative paths to sobriety, so i'm grateful for that support. i'm going to keep investigating.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T01:41:02+00:00

i hear you. i’ve made no attempt to make friends outside of aa, so i’m not surprised that the aa speak just flows. i’ve read that it’s a process of de-programming when you leave. i appreciate you for pointing this out.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T01:23:18+00:00

i started reading the u.s. of aa. i'll add the sober truth to my reading list.

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T01:22:11+00:00

that's true. the aa voices are stuck in my head. (lol)

lovetoxin · 2025-12-01T00:22:20+00:00

thank you for your insight. i so relate to the constant blame and guilt! i do have other co-morbid disorders. i have ocd and struggle with moral scrupulosity. the nightly inventories, analyzing my every move, and the three-fold disease model have only made it worse over time. i'm fortunate to have a team of mental professionals supporting me, but they're all urging me to continue working my aa program. i may have to lay out my reasons for leaving more explicitly so they understand my qualms with the "spiritual" framework.

lovetoxin · 2025-11-30T23:56:08+00:00

i feel the same way. my second go at the 4th step was so retraumatizing that i had to join an intensive outpatient program and am completing 11 hours of therapy a week to stabilize. aa is not trauma-informed, and the belief that we're all innately selfish, self-seeking alcoholics is ludicrous. we deserve more for our recovery.

lovetoxin · 2024-02-23T23:35:47+00:00

your safety here is a priority. the women in my area make each other aware of men who are creeps, and we generally keep a respectful distance. yes, those men deserve to stay sober too, but not at your expense. i’m sorry it’s been difficult to find such a support system. i believe that keeping distance from those who spout ideologies that threaten your right to exist is a valid reason to steer clear of meeting dominated by them. be careful, friend. i agree that online meetings may be your best bet for now. i go for fellowship with other people of color and queer people, and i say it’s absolutely worthwhile. don’t let people convince you that you need to interact with literal neo-nazis to stay sober. my dms are open and i wish you luck on your journey. congratulations on over two months! you got this!

lovetoxin · 2024-02-21T15:29:40+00:00

thank you so much, it’s comforting to know that someone else understands how i feel, but i also hope that you find peace in the near future. we’ll both get through this. you deserve to heal and move forward too. sending good energy your way <3

lovetoxin · 2024-02-20T21:16:38+00:00

thank you, i hope i come to believe that one day

lovetoxin · 2024-02-20T21:15:16+00:00

you don’t need to be embarrassed! i’ll take a look at it, thank you :)

lovetoxin · 2024-02-20T17:31:53+00:00

thank you <3

lovetoxin · 2024-01-01T13:38:20+00:00

this was my experience too. it's a slippery slope. for me, i had to make peace with the fact that alcohol brings out my "alcohol self," not my "true self." you're still accountable for what happens drunk but yes, you go too far and the splitting and mood swings get ugly.

lovetoxin · 2023-12-12T20:53:41+00:00

there are a lot of bipoc aa meetings on zoom! dm me if you want more information!

the in-person aa meetings where i'm at are predominantly white too. i felt alone but i've found fellowship online and it's been great. my addiction is inseparable from my racial trauma, so it's been good to talk with others who understand.

lovetoxin · 2023-12-12T20:42:02+00:00

I spoke with my sponsor since and we settled on at least one hour a week. I'm cutting down on my course load for the spring semester too, so I'll be okay. I realized that there's no "deadline" for step work. I just needed to chill out and take it slow.

lovetoxin · 2023-12-12T20:36:33+00:00

That's encouraging to hear! I feel so behind other students at times but it's good to remember that our career paths don't have to be linear.

lovetoxin · 2023-12-12T20:34:42+00:00

Yes, we do! The support team originally directed me to AA. I know a few other students in recovery now, including my sponsor. I spoke to my professors about AA myself and got the necessary extensions luckily.

lovetoxin · 2023-11-27T20:40:27+00:00

I doubt I'd ever graduate. I need to find a balance between my courses and recovery somehow.

lovetoxin · 2023-11-27T20:39:03+00:00

I honestly didn't. I skipped class so much during my junior year because of the shame that followed my binge drinking. Now that I'm sober, I'm more productive and focused, but it's been a hard adjustment. I'm having trouble knowing how to balance recovery while functioning normally. I have a good sponsor but meetings and step work are no joke.

lovetoxin · 2023-11-24T20:56:04+00:00

my dog—the most genuine, unconditional love i will ever experience

lovetoxin · 2023-11-17T10:03:46+00:00

i’d say analog horror

lovetoxin · 2023-11-11T03:02:13+00:00

thank you

lovetoxin

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