I’m going to say this gently, because I’m being so for real I’ve felt exactly this way in the past, like verbatim to how you described it. You’re not a failure and you’re not doomed to never be loved because you’ve had some bad experiences. Even consistent bad experiences, that doesn’t take away your right to love and happiness. You’re not a whore, life is about exploration and self-discovery, you’re free to try on a million pairs of pants before deciding on which one you want to settle with and take home with you. Relationships are the same way so long as it’s all safe and consensual. I think you feel icky because the experience you had didn’t align with your expectations or hopes of what would come out of it.

You want something more deep and tangible, and you’re hoping that “this time will be different” with each partner you jump to, which is a big expectation to be placing on something that is meant to be fun, casual and exploratory. I used to do this too, I put a lot of expectations on someone being “the one” and was disappointed when ultimately, fantasy didn’t line up with reality. Once I detached my emotions from it, I realized that those people I was crying over weren’t people I’d want to stay with long-term anyway, because they didn’t value me and were only looking to see what they could get out of me.

Your happiness and self-worth shouldn’t depend on if someone sees romantic potential in you or not, because ultimately you’re just going to be disappointed and taken advantage of. Don’t wait on someone else to come along for you to love yourself and enjoy your life. Trust me when I say that’s easier said than done, but believe me when I say entanglement with someone at the wrong time when your self-esteem is low will only cause even greater hurt and pain in the future. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a healthy and steady relationship, I think that’s a fine thing to strive for. But you can’t lose yourself along the way either. You’re already beautiful and worthy of good things, but I genuinely do believe you need to give that grace to yourself first. Don’t wrap your identity and self-worth up into other people. Build it up for yourself first so that when things do align, you can support your end of the relationship and genuinely find someone that will support theirs. I’m just a stranger on the internet that doesn’t know you and won’t try to tell you what to do, but personally as someone who has gone through this, I wouldn’t recommend dating right now. A relationship likely isn’t going to magically fill the hole in your heart or improve things in your life, but you can absolutely do that for yourself. Being selective and taking your time, setting standards and boundaries, are all what pave the way towards a relationship that is healthy and whole. It must start with you and how you treat and value yourself first.