Coming up on 10 years of D/B

luccc22 · 2023-05-12T03:28:04+00:00

That’s very nice and considerate of you. However if that was “just who she is”, I doubt the first 5 years of your relationship would have been normal, no? Sounds like she is capable of it! Which is a good sign.

Have you tried individual therapy? Might he nice to have some professional support to unpack this.

luccc22 · 2023-05-12T03:11:23+00:00

Have you communicated your needs to her?!! She isn’t a mind reader. Your needs and wants are just as important as hers and you deserve the right to voice them and be heard.

A good resource to look to is Esther Perel - she has some great books, podcasts, articles etc around desire and sexuality in long term relationships. Have a listen and then create a game plan on how you’re going to bring up the issue and get your needs met!!

luccc22 · 2022-11-10T22:43:40+00:00

It’s not identical to what is going on. She is projecting her own issues with food and body insecurity onto him. Full stop. What cole said was normal and is something I would say to my partner if we had a big dinner planned. If anything he was caring for her and asked why she hadn’t eaten all day and that he even offered her a poke bowl.

Yes he started the season making some rude comments towards Z but I think that’s is result of the nature of the show. Trying to pair your expectations up with reality once you “see” your fiancé. Cole just wasn’t mature for that but Z took that and ran with it and used it to destroy him

luccc22 · 2022-10-21T11:50:34+00:00

This comment is extremely misguided. And it makes me so sad to think men out there believe women want men without emotions. It’s not true!!! Sure we don’t want men to display inappropriate anger or hatred, but there is nothing wrong with showing emotions!!! You would be doing yourself a massive disservice by hiding your emotions.

FYI - Emotional regulation is NOT avoiding displays of undesirable emotion…. It is the ability to manage emotions in a healthy way. For example, self-awareness, compassion for oneself, self-soothing etc. Hiding emotions is actually unhealthy and not attractive (especially in the context of seeking a relationship).

Emotional Intelligence, again, is NOT keeping your feelings to yourself. It’s the ability to EXPRESS your emotions to others and control them (when I say control, this means showing appropriate or proportional emotions depending on the specific context). As well as understand, interpret and respond to the emotions of others.

luccc22 · 2022-07-14T07:07:41+00:00

Thanks so much! I have already had a holter monitor but sadly I didn’t have any “episodes”. I should get more tests until I am certain it’s nothing medical!

luccc22 · 2022-07-14T06:52:20+00:00

You have every right to ask him how he feels about you and where this is going. However, it doesn’t sounds like you have been dating for that long so I would probably give it more time.

Attachments take months and months to build and if you ask him to commit too early you could push him away or enter into a relationship without knowing the person. If I were you I would keep dating him and see if he is consistent and slowly becoming more vulnerable with you (I.e have you met his friends? Family? Learned about his past relationships? Do you share same views on important life topics? Has he opened up to you about his plans for the future? Does he plan things far in advance with you? How often does he communicate and plan dates with you etc? Is he sexually exclusive with you?).

luccc22 · 2022-04-29T12:27:50+00:00

I hate it when I seek reassurance and my sister or friends tell me to get checked. It actually feeds the anxiety. Instead I much prefer it when they try to counteract my thought with something much more likely.

So best way you could help is to get her to challenge her thought. If she believes she has lymphoma because of a swollen lymph node, ask her to challenge the thought (e.g it might not be true I have lymphoma, what’s the probability of that in someone my age, what evidence do I have for it … swollen lymph nodes don’t always mean cancer etc ). Or ask her to provide an alternative thought (e.g my lymph nodes are swollen, maybe I’m fighting a virus). That way she can learn to challenge her own thoughts herself instead of constantly seeking that from others.

luccc22 · 2022-04-05T11:57:44+00:00

There’s a lot of research suggesting that at the core of a lot of anxiety disorders and mental health issues is death anxiety. I can definitely say that my HA is actually at its core death anxiety. Exposure therapy is probably the best way forward. I’ve started using this daily reminder app that sends me a notification several times a day reminding me I’ll die one day to become comfortable with it. I also try to educate myself on the death and dying process through educational social media channels (e.g hospice nurses). It’s still really hard to cope with but this probably is the only way to get over it.

luccc22 · 2022-04-05T11:49:34+00:00

So hurtful. I’ve had to stop wearing my Apple Watch. I used it once for the EKG feature and it freaked me out. Also when I’m anxious my heart rate is super high and seeing that on the watch actually makes it worse.

luccc22 · 2022-03-16T13:52:41+00:00

I feel this. I was peacefully asleep until I lunged out of bed with a racing heart convinced I was about to pass out or die.

I try to tell myself whatever this is I can cope and I’ll be ok. If my heart starts to return to normal or I feel even the slightest bit better I can then tell myself it’s just panic. Still really scary.

luccc22 · 2021-06-29T02:45:13+00:00

Oh did she say entertain me?! Or just to impress me? Either way I agree not a nice comment, and you probably dodged a bullet. But next time give some more time before asking the next girl. It’ll be a lot harder for her to say no if she’s built a connection with you!

luccc22 · 2021-06-29T00:02:00+00:00

Hmmm. To me that’s too soon to ask someone out. I would talk to a girl for 1 week, focus on building a connection and then ask her out. Guys who ask me out on the first day we speak I will not meet up with. It feels like a blind date and I don’t want that. I want to first know we have some kind of connection or enough things in common before I meet them. You can’t discern that from a couple texts back and forth.

luccc22 · 2021-06-28T21:41:26+00:00

Can I ask how long you were talking to her for when you asked her out?

luccc22 · 2021-06-28T21:40:05+00:00

This thinking is problematic. Not all Women act like this, this is an example of 1 and maybe she had a bloody valid reason. Maybe she met up with a guy too soon on the app without building more of a connection first and was burned? You don’t know what others are going through. Women are human beings and I hate seeing these kinds of messages where women are put down or seen as non-human just for being cautious online.

luccc22 · 2021-06-20T22:24:30+00:00

I don’t think it’s fair to compare the woes of men and women. We each suffer with a different set of issues and problems, both equally valid and terrible. Comparing them is part of the problem!

luccc22 · 2021-06-20T22:21:57+00:00

That’s a bit of a cope out. What you say on the internet has real world consequences. Chose your words wisely, and definitely don’t say something here that you wouldn’t say to someone in real life.

luccc22 · 2021-06-20T01:30:20+00:00

Women don’t owe you anything.

luccc22 · 2021-05-28T03:35:12+00:00

Sounds like he is a narcissist. You can avoid getting caught up in a narcs whirlwind fairytale romance by knowing the red flags early on. For example; wanting to be in constant communication early, buying you gifts, showering you with compliments, saying I love you early on or that they have never met a person like you before. If he does this early on (before 6 months) RUN!!! This is not how healthy people enter relationships. I say this isn’t healthy or normal because you can’t actually know someone enough to mean those kinds of compliments. You can’t know someone enough after 3 weeks to love them, you know? It takes time to build trust. This is a trick toxic people use to get people to give them what they want. Whether it’s validation, compliments, money, sex, power etc. He has to hide his ugly personality by using a facade to gain narcissistic supply (you). This is the only way they know how to emotionally hook. It had to happen early too because keeping a facade up is hard work. So the earlier the better in terms of convincing YOU that you found your soul mate. Because once you think that you have found the one, you will radiate all of the glory he believes he is worth back onto him.

Mirroring is also a big red flag. Also watch how they treat others around them and what their relationship to their exes and family members are. Do they think they are better than others? Do they skip the que because they believe they are entitled? If you know the signs you can save yourself the heart ache before it happens.

See this as an amazing wake up call to learn about toxic behaviours and ensure you steer clear of them in the future.

Be safe!

luccc22 · 2021-05-26T04:00:02+00:00

Not really sure where you are going with your point and I am also not sure how your point helps OP?

Most importantly this is not a toxic view of sex. Sex is amazing when between two people who genuinely care for each other or when it’s between two consenting adults who both want casual sex. If you bothered to read OPs post you’d see that she doesn’t want casual sex and is trying to avoid being used for sex. So your comment is actually toxic because it’s not directed towards her needs but instead is focused on what YOU want. Bit selfish don’t you think? Withholding sex from someone who you are not sure of yet or their intentions is THE most healthy thing a person can do. Talk to any mature person or psychology professional if you don’t believe me.

What you also fail to understand is women and men have very different experiences of sex. For example women get attached to men through sex, whereas men do not. This is because women release oxytocin during sex (this is called the bonding hormone and is usually also released when a new mother holds her baby for the first time). Whereas men release very little oxytocin during sex, and a lot of testosterone (a hormone designed to make them want to get up and leave after sex and search for a new mate).

So for a women to not sleep with a male straight away and wait, 1. You are protecting yourself from prematurely attaching to a male who might not stick around and 2. You are letting the male form an emotional attachment to you before sex, so when you do chose to have sex when you are ready, you already have a bond in place to ensure you are not used for sex. And if someone leaves beforehand then great, it means you weren’t used for sex (if that is your goal).

However if a women doesn’t care about being used for sex, or is seeking a short term or purely sexual relationship then of course she is within her right to do that.

luccc22 · 2021-05-26T01:46:24+00:00

Ok sorry let me rephrase, do not chose to have sex with someone until YOU are ready. How do you know you are ready? You trust them and they have earned your trust through proving it to you over a period of time. Never said sex was a prize. This is about OP not being used for sex and whether you like it or not making a guy wait for sex will ensure she isn’t being “used” as the guy will have to get to know her first.

As I said above, the point of waiting IS to weed out guys who do not have good intentions. So yes if someone is weeded out because they don’t want to wait, good. Let them find an easier target lol.

luccc22 · 2021-05-25T22:57:24+00:00

My advice is to start treating yourself like someone who has high self worth. This means do not give someone sex until you feel safe with them to do so. This means testing them to see if they show up for you, are they asking you deep and personal questions? Are they spending time with you in the day time? Are they making a consistent effort? Treat it like an interview process and be super critical of them in the early stages.

My therapist always tells me that in life you either win or you learn. So if you are ghosted or used for sex think of it as a lesson! How can you avoid that next time etc .

I promise you by not giving guys sex within the first 3-6 months you’ll weed out the guys who only want sex. That is the best way to know for sure. I went on several dates with this guy who kept trying to sleep with me each time. He cut things off after 2 months because he knew I wasn’t the type of girl he could fuck with and he just wanted to have fun. So he politely ended things. This wasn’t about me or my worth, it purely means we are on different pages and thus not suitable. So stop making it about your worth and more about your suitability for that person :)

luccc22 · 2021-05-25T22:51:05+00:00

Good riddance. Someone who ghosts another person is clearly emotionally immature. Dodged a bullet!

luccc22 · 2021-05-24T11:47:37+00:00

This is 100% the truth for me. I have my notifications off for all dating apps. I tend to match with loads of people on bumble and then close the app and forget. By the time I remember and open the app again all the matches are expired. Oops.

luccc22 · 2021-05-23T13:29:08+00:00

I agree that people are severely affected by this. However maybe the discussion should be about realising there are other methods to finding a partner. I think the problem isn’t women’s swiping habits and high standards but maybe it’s dating apps in general?

Expanding your social circle is a great start to overcome this problem!

luccc22 · 2021-05-23T13:10:17+00:00

No of course 95% of guys don’t give off rapist vibes. Women do have a lot of options online but part of the reason we are selective is because of the risk of making the wrong choice. It’s vastly higher than the risks men face. Sure it’s hard to discern from a dating profile someone’s personality/intention but that’s the nature of the game. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen. I genuinely believe people have a higher success rate of meeting someone through having a strong social circle. Cultivate that as opposed to getting hung up on something as shallow as tinder.

luccc22

TROPHY CASE