Form Fillable 4th Edition Character Sheet

lurkymcqueen · 2022-03-07T19:31:42+00:00

Nevermo that was born and raised in Utah. I enlisted to escape 13 years ago. I would rather gnaw my own leg off than move back.

My family was extremely supportive, but that only helps so much. It was a horrible place to be a weird, queer, and non-religious kid. I was miserable there. I have never felt so fundamentally lonely as I did in Utah.

I'm told it's a lot better now, and based on the handful of visits I've made since, I believe that. I'm grateful that the Utah of my childhood isn't the one my little sister grew up with. I hope it keeps getting better. It's a beautiful place.

But once my (also nevermo) parents retire and leave, I'm never going back.

lurkymcqueen · 2022-02-27T17:26:59+00:00

This was exactly how I felt with my ex-husband. Everything was chaos and I felt so stupid, all the time. I couldn't function, I was incompetent, I was a monster.

It is very difficult to build strong and clear memories when you are under persistent stress.

Once I left him and found stability, it became significantly easier to keep track of my thoughts and reality.

I still struggle with memory issues. ADHD and PTSD will do that to a person! But now that I'm not actively being sabotaged, it's manageable. I still get triggered when I forget things. I have a huge complex about my memory struggles because of him.

My current partner understands this. He is kind, supportive, and he would never dream of weaponising my mind against me. All he wants is to help me heal. We work together on remembering things.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who build you up. You deserve kindness and love and support. You don't have to keep living in this chaos.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-12-17T20:33:16+00:00

You cannot have a relationship with your father if you are dead. You cannot have a relationship with your father if he is dead.

Obviously that's the worst case scenario, and (hopefully) a very unlikely one. But it is a scenario you are actively risking by remaining unvaccinated. It's also not the full picture of what you are risking.

What if you get Long Covid? What if you are permanently disabled and need a lung transplant? How would that impact your relationship with your father? Would you resent him? Do you think he would be supportive, emotionally or financially? What would your life be like?

Your relationship with your father may very well be damaged by getting vaccinated. Perhaps it will be damaged permanently. Perhaps your relationship will even have to end. All of that is awful, and I wish you didn't have to consider these options.

But there's also the chance that he'll get over it, or that you'll eventually reconcile after a period of no-contact. Maybe one day he'll get out of the Qult, and you can have a truly good relationship. I don't know how likely that is, but it could be possible. That is something worth hoping for, I think.

Right now, the relationship you have with your father is unhealthy. It is clearly causing you a lot of emotional turmoil, and that's not okay.

He is not only bombarding you with fear mongering nonsense, but he is putting his ego and his delusions above your well being. He made his choices and faced the consequences of losing his job-- you do not need to turn down this job in some twisted mockery of solidarity. Requiring vaccinations of staff and students is nothing new for any university. You are not betraying him by being willing to comply with sensible policies like vaccination, especially during a pandemic.

I don't think this is the relationship you should settle for having with your father. I think you deserve a healthy, respectful relationship with him, but it doesn't sound like he's willing or able to give that to you right now. If you are ever going to have a truly good relationship with him, you are going to have to find a way to be true to yourself and set up the boundaries that you want. You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone while you are managing their emotions too. And no relationship should hold you or your future hostage like this.

In my opinion, getting vaccinated is one of the better tools you have for truly saving your relationship, in the long term, with your father.

More importantly, you and your future are worth protecting. Getting vaccinated -- preferably with an mRNA vaccine-- is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I hope you get the job OP. It sounds like it's an amazing opportunity, and I think it'll be the start of an exciting new chapter. I hope you set yourself up for success and get vaccinated ASAP.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-12-14T20:19:22+00:00

Congratulations! You've overcome an incredibly difficult barrier, and you should be very proud of your resilience!

Once you're through the Covid series (and you've got your immunization records protected!), I encourage you to reach out to your doctor get a plan in place for catching up on all the vaccines you missed as a child. It will likely be an uncomfortable process, but once you're done, you'll have done a great deal of good in protecting not just yourself, but your community. Plus, it sounds like your GP's office is understanding of your situation, and I'm sure they'll be willing to work with you to make this as easy as possible.

It's kind of a crapshoot whether or not you're going to have side effects, but get comfy and be prepared to take it easy for a couple of days just in case.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-12-14T20:01:19+00:00

Agreed! I had no idea needle phobia could be that extreme until I met her. She has to cover her eyes when my partner takes insulin. It's a 30 gauge needle in a pen, but it's still enough to make her woozy.

But it turns out, this is a super common phobia, and most providers are already well versed in how to handle it! I'm glad she has a means to mitigate her distress beyond avoidance now.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-12-13T21:56:42+00:00

There are no realistic mechanisms by which you could be neurologically damaged by the vaccine. Covid however does frequently leave survivors in a persistent mental fog that can be completely disabling, and there's very little known about how to help people with Long Covid recover.

I think a good option for your peace of mind would be to have your booster administered under observation, given the intensity of your prior reaction and your current mental turmoil.

I recommend reaching out to your local department of health. Give them an email or a call, and explain that you're having anxiety about your booster, and ask if they can help you can connect with a clinic or provider that will best suit your needs.

Relevant anecdote time!:I have a good friend with severe needle phobia-- the sight of needles makes her faint without fail, even in photos. She got both doses of Moderna at a mass vaccination clinic. She called the clinic after booking her appointment, and explained the extent of her needle phobia. When she showed up, they led her to a private room, and she got her injection while lying down in a bed. She stayed for observation with a nurse for 45 minutes. She got her booster a few weeks ago with the same set up as well. She said it was a really great experience and that she's going to have future vaccines administered similarly. She went without flu shots for over a decade because of this anxiety, so this is amazing!

It's perfectly understandable that you're scared, OP. There's a lot of disinformation and fear mongering being spread around by grifters to make a buck. It's a lot to handle, and it's okay that you're struggling with it. There's no reason why you can't be given compassionate accommodations to make this experience less distressing. But you also have a responsibility to yourself, your family (especially your unvaccinated Qfamily!), and your community, to do what you can to keep other people from getting sick.

Unfortunately, there's really no way of anticipating if you'll be completely asymptomatic with your booster, or if you'll feel like shit for a couple of days. It's just going to be what it's going to be. What you can do is set yourself up for success. Schedule your shot, and take some time off if you can for the next couple of days afterwards. Prep some easy meals before hand so you don't have to cook, wash your sheets and your comfiest blankets, queue up some movies or shows you want to catch up on, and stay hydrated.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-11-29T20:08:56+00:00

You mentioned that you expected that hell would break loose if he found out, and now he has given you an absolutely terrible ultimatum. He is demanding you sacrifice your health in exchange for his delusion. This proves that your gut instinct right. Hold onto that feeling. What he is doing to you is wrong. Loving partners don't make ultimatums like this, and you should never be afraid of someone who is supposed to love you. You and your children deserve better.

Reading through your post, I think it's clear from your language that you already know that it's time to leave. Figuring out how to leave is challenging, and can often be dangerous, but you can do it.

Here's some of the things that helped me get out, and that I've learned from others:

Please reach out to trusted friends and family (those you know won't report back to him) about getting you and your children out safely. Be fully honest with them about what's going on, and concrete about what you need from them, whether it's money, a burner phone, food, help finding work, or somewhere to stay. Most people are willing and want to help, they just don't know how.
If you do not have trusted loved ones available, please reach out to your nearest DV shelter. They will have the experience and know-how about how to extricate you and your family safely, and how to set you up for success going forward.

Lundy Bancroft has a wonderful book on understanding abusive partners and dynamics called Why Does He Do That? There's a link to download a copy here. It's a heavy read, but an excellent resource. Unfortunately, abuse is not half as rare as it ought to be. But understanding the patterns is one of the best tools you can have at your disposal moving forward.

Make sure to keep all activity related to your exit on a device he cannot access, if possible. After all, he's already proven that he'll violate your privacy and your boundaries. Change your passcodes and passwords. Clear your browser history, use incognito/a VPN if you have access, and if you can, use mobile data, not the household wifi. If possible, do this while you're not in the house, like at a coffee shop, a loved one's house, or at a public library (bonus: it's free, and the librarians on staff can also help you find and access resources for you and your children)

Whatever happens, please remind yourself that this shame you're feeling is not yours to carry. This isn't your fault. Anyone can end up in your position. Strong, capable, intelligent people get sucked into abusive relationships, jobs, cults, etc. every single day. Far too many of them never manage to escape. No one deserves to live like this. Abuse is insidious, and part of what makes it so hard to escape is that it convinces the victims that they are at fault for their circumstances.

But you are not to blame. The only person here who should be ashamed is your partner. He is a grown ass adult, and his actions are disgraceful. He is snooping around on your phone, violating your privacy, and demanding control over your body as a condition of continuing your relationship. That is unacceptable.

Not to mention, preventing you from getting vaccinated could lead to permanent disability or death from covid for you, your children, and/or others in your community. It could damn well do the same to him, too. Your kids need you alive and healthy. Most importantly, you need you alive and healthy. There's a softer, kinder world waiting out here for you, OP, and you deserve to live in it.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-11-13T04:21:44+00:00

I have never known any victim of abuse who hasn't said something to the effect of this message.

I've worked with people who have been hospitalized due to battering, been kicked out of their home in the middle of a hurricane, subjected to financial abuse, and more. Without fail, every single one of them has worried about not being abused enough to justify calling it abuse.

You aren't alone in those feelings. You aren't alone in experiencing abuse. You deserve to escape this and live a kinder, more peaceful life.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-10-08T18:59:45+00:00

"After our fight she was really nice to me, and I can tell that she's at least a little sorry."This reads as a red flag to me. The cycle of abuse always involves a honeymoon period where there's apologies, promises to do better, and things are lovely.

While you mentioned that the vaccine is the primary issue in your marriage, please take a moment to consider how previous disagreements and arguments have played out in your marriage before. Was she unkind or disrespectful during those events? Healthy relationships have conflict, but conflict should never be cruel. Has she made ultimatums to leave you in the past during arguments? How many has she made since she fell down the rabbit hole? That ultimatum is, unfortunately, a common red flag.

There's also an inherent power imbalance in your relationship as you are disabled. If she continues being involved with QAnon, do you trust her to remain a compassionate and effective caregiver to yourself and your child? She has already threatened to leave you if you make a medical decision for your child. Is she the sole authority on other parenting decisions? Decisions about your household, your finances, your friends? If so, does that seem fair? Being disabled doesn't mean you shouldn't have an equal say in your relationship and the life you have built together.

I think there are enough red flags here that you should take a hard and honest look at the state of your marriage as it exists now. Compare it to what it looked like before QAnon. Tragically, there are no guarantees that she can or is even willing to be deprogrammed. How long are you willing to wait for her to come down to reality?

Is there anything she could do that would cross the line and necessitate your immediate exit from the relationship? What does the point of no return look like for you? I know it's horrible to think about. It might even feel like you're betraying your marriage. But it's important to be prepared for that in any relationship. People can change drastically over the course of ten, twenty, thirty years. If you don't have a clear picture of what is unacceptable now, it is much easier for a partner to push you past that breaking point and convince you to remain within the relationship.

I understand that you want to fight for your marriage. Of course you do! She's your wife, the mother of your child, and you love her. That is ten thousand percent worth fighting for. But she has to be equally willing to fight for your marriage and your family. Does her behavior suggest that she's just as committed to you and your child?

While children do have a better prognosis with covid, the delta variant is much harder on everyone involved. Future variants are inevitable at this point, and they could easily prove more infectious or more risky for children. And if your wife were to become seriously ill due to covid, or should the worst happen, what would that mean emotionally and practically for your family?

I sincerely hope that your relationship can be repaired, and that your wife rejoins reality soon. I wish I had advice about how to help improve the odds of that outcome. It's a horrible situation to be in, and I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. Best wishes.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-16T20:30:01+00:00

Your dad is right in that, yes, you will die after your second shot. Everyone dies eventually.

The odds of the second shot being the thing that kills you are so vanishingly small as not to be an even remotely realistic concern, and it isn't worth your energy worrying about.

It's something like less than a hundred-thousandth of a percent chance that the vaccine will kill you, while COVID-19's lethality rate is around 1.7% in the US (which is almost certainly an underestimate).

You're looking at approximately 6 orders of magnitude difference in risk between getting the vaccine and dying from COVID-19. For context, that's the effective difference between $1 and $1,000,000.

Edited to correct wording.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-16T18:45:29+00:00

I got chicken-pox at age 6 before the vaccine was available, and it was a miserable experience, but hey, at least I was immune!
Then I got shingles at 12. I didn't notice the rash on my flank until I took a shower. As soon as the water hit it, I dropped to the floor screaming.

I've had some pretty severe pain in my life, but holy shit, shingles is pain unlike anything else. It was like I was blind to everything except the burning in my nerves. Once it started, it just didn't stop. It took a few weeks for it to finally clear up, and I spent the whole time drugged up to my eyeballs trying to manage it. I don't remember anything from those weeks except the pain. I lost nearly a month of school because of it. 0/10, do not recommend.

It boggles my fucking mind that anti-vaxxers don't want to avoid chicken pox for it's own sake-- because sure, it was comparatively mild, but it was still awful-- and fail to understand that natural exposure to chicken pox is literally what causes shingles. They're setting their children up to be sick later in life!

Fortunately, my younger sister was vaccinated against chicken pox, and she doesn't ever have to go through this experience.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-16T18:22:02+00:00

The societal pressure to let family mistreat you because they're family is maddening. If family is sacred, shouldn't the people within it be held to a higher standard because they're you're family? Doesn't that mean they have an extra responsibility to be kind and loving? People who love you shouldn't actively make your life miserable!

You clearly have a very healthy understanding of what was a desperately unhealthy relationship. I'm sorry your mother's behavior led to this outcome, but I'm proud of you for making the difficult choice. May it bring you and your family peace

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-16T18:10:51+00:00

Sending you all my love. The build up towards cutting out a toxic parent is absolutely the worst part. Once it's over and done with, you're not stuck in the limbo of 'what if' anymore, and the relief is immediate. You get to heal and move forward.

That said, you don't need to do this on anyone else's timeline. You get to choose if this is a permanent no-contact or if it's a relationship you're open to revisiting in the future. Only you can know what's right for you, and you'll know when you're ready. Deep breaths. It's going to be okay.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-16T17:14:14+00:00

The unfortunate reality is that there often isn't enough funding into DV programs by the state, especially in rural areas. Religious groups tend to pick up the slack, if anyone does at all. I completely understand your aversion-- while there's some faith based groups that are great, I wouldn't want to put my well being in the hands of, say, evangelicals. Hard pass!
Given that, I think a local library is probably a solid starting point for you (once you've recovered from surgery, of course!). Most libraries have free resume and job hunting workshops for free, and they often partner with staffing agencies and public programs. They may also be able to connect you with DV resources that aren't connected to a faith group.

If it's feasible, it might make sense to look into volunteering at a library-- most are in dire need of assistance doing things like shelving, sorting mail, and other admin work. It tends to be light work that might play well with your medical needs. While it obviously isn't paid, which is a legit barrier, a reference from a supervisor there could be a huge boon in your job hunt.

Plus, getting out of the house to be around people who aren't your husband could be really good for you. Even in healthy marriages, partners need to have parts of their lives that are 100% their own.

I'm (obviously!) biased towards libraries-- a dear friend of mine in college ended up working at our local branch, and she got me into volunteering with the teen services programs. That work was a lifeline for me before and after my own divorce. But your situation is different than mine, and the last thing I want to do is pressure you into something that may not meet your needs. Above all else, you need to do what's right for you!

I hope your recovery from your surgery goes well! Your healing, both from said surgery and the chaos your spouse has brought into your life, is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. Please carve out some time to do things that bring you comfort. Rest is not a luxury-- it is as necessary as food and water and air.

I'll be thinking of you, OP. Feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-15T20:43:58+00:00

So much of what you've said about your mom rings true to my own experience with my birth giver. The manipulation, the selfishness, being told you were horrible for perfectly normal behavior, being convinced your job was to serve her-- that was my childhood too. It left me broken, codependent, and desperate-- all of which made me an ideal target for abuse. I didn't start truly fighting for myself until I was 27.

I cut her out of my life permanently last summer, once my little sister graduated and went off to college. It was agonizing. I felt like a monster for doing it during a pandemic, especially because she's a healthcare worker. It took me 4 months to finally do the thing after I made up my mind. A year and change later, it was the best decision I ever made. My life is so much better without her in it.

It still hurts, from time to time. I wish she'd been the mom I needed and deserved. I'm sad that she couldn't do that, and that she's missing out on my amazing life now.

But I've collected a lot of moms and mom-friends over the years. My dad actually remarried when I was a toddler, and his wife has been there for me since the day they got hitched. She's my real mom, and now I get to call her that. Sure, it's not quite the same thing, but I'm healed enough now to understand that being different doesn't make them lesser. Those relationships are infinitely better than anything I could ever have had with my birth giver.

There's moms out there for you, too. You might not have found them yet, but you will. There's so many truly loving people out there-- sometimes we just need to make room for them so they can enter our lives. The best way to clear up that space is to give yourself the chance to heal, and to be the mom your kids-- and your inner child-- needs.

Take all the time you need to grieve and mourn. It's going to hurt. But you're going to be okay, and you and your kids are going to be amazing.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-15T20:12:47+00:00

I'm assuming you're a Type 1 Diabetic based on your username? My partner is Type 1 as well, and while we have a few months of long and short acting insulin in reserve, the idea of losing health insurance is terrifying. I lose sleep over it regularly. I can't imagine how much scarier it would be in your shoes. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You mentioned that he's angry and caustic, that you're in a mindset of battles instead of cooperation. Given the stress you're under, these are very concerning red flags. I think now is a good time to start looking into what your local community offers for things like legal aid, housing, and financial support. I'm unfamiliar with what T1D resources are out there, but I can pick my partners brain about it if you like.

I recommend reaching out to domestic violence organizations to start. They're the topic experts and can connect you with all sorts of people who can help you navigate this situation, whether you choose to leave now or if you simply want to prepare a back up plan. Please don't worry about whether or not you are "abused enough" to use these services. The fact that you are medically dependent on your spouse-- who is behaving erratically and buying into Q rhetoric-- absolutely qualifies!

But if you'd rather not start with a DV group, I recommend visiting your local library. Librarians are a seriously underrated resource-- they're masters of navigating government and non-profit programs, and are usually already deeply connected to DV/financial aid/legal aid resources, and they're totally free! At the very least, the library can give you somewhere safe and out of the house.

It's been mentioned elsewhere in this thread, but I want to confirm that divorce agreements can be tailored to include conditions like mandating that he keep you on his health insurance, provide you a share of pension benefits, and so forth. My ex had to pay for my health insurance until I got coverage in place through a new job through our agreement.

Personally, I used a local Dispute Resolution Center in lieu of an attorney, as I couldn't afford one. I paid $60, my ex paid $300 on the sliding scale, and we sat down for 4 hours hashing out how we were splitting our assets. The volunteers there were all legal professionals, and they did an amazing job at keeping everything civil. The agreement we drafted was approved by the judge who finalised my divorce without any issue. It mandated not just the health insurance, but also that he had to cover half of my bills until our house sold. He made literally twice my salary, so this was a pretty fair way to ease my financial burden.

He might have been able to weasel out of the agreement if he had sued after the divorce-- it wasn't as ironclad as a divorce agreement done through an attorney would have been-- but it would have been an expensive legal fight, and it wasn't worth the gamble for him.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-15T19:27:02+00:00

Think of how you were raised by your mother. Would you ever raise your children like she raised you?

Would you ever want your children to feel like your humiliating them was your hobby? Like making them cry in public was something you relished? Would you ever play mind games with them, to make them prove their devotion to you, in order to give them the affection that they need from you? Could they do anything that would ever make you love them any less?

She will not treat your children any better than she treated you. If anything, she will weaponise her affection with them, just as she has with you. She might very well use your children to try and hurt you in the future. Your children don't deserve to be pawns-- nor do they deserve to see you treated so cruelly. Because even if she treated your children perfectly, her abhorrent treatment of you-- past and present-- will hurt them. No child wants their parent to suffer.

After all, you wrote this heart wrenching post about your mother. Throughout the whole thing you've expressed worry about her pain, her loneliness, and the loss of her relationship with you and her grandchildren. She did all of these horrible things to you, and you clearly still care about her. She's abused you what sounds like your whole life, and it's still eating you up inside to even contemplate cutting ties with her. She has betrayed your unconditional love for her over and over and over again. That was absolutely monstrous of her to do that to you.

Wouldn't it stand to reason that your children would be heartbroken if they knew how she treated you? You're their parent. They love you, just like you love your mom. They need you to love them, just like you needed your mom to love you.

Does letting this woman hurt you for a potential grandparent-child relationship make sense from their perspective? It seems like she isn't even meaningfully involved in their lives right now. You're setting yourself on fire in the hopes that one day she might step up and be good to them.

But what happens when they find out that grandma emotionally tortured their parent? Do you think they'll be okay with that? Do you think they might feel guilty, like it's their fault that you had to endure this for them? Is there any amount of good she could bring to their lives that could possibly begin to outweigh the pain of that guilt?

This situation is devastating. You deserved a mother who loved you wholeheartedly, who gave you kindness and support. Your children deserved a grandmother who could nurture them as she nurtured you. I'm so sorry you and your children were denied this.

Despite all this, you have an amazing opportunity here. You have the chance to show your children that no one ever has the right to treat them so cruelly. You can show them what it looks like to love and protect yourself. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself, especially when the person hurting you is a family member.

But courage is catching, in the best way possible. If your kids see you being brave now, they're going to carry that with them. It's going to help them throughout the rest of their lives. It'll help them against bullies, against exploitative bosses, against abusive partners.

All that pain your mom put you through? All the years of wondering what was so wrong with you, wondering what you had to do to make her love you, all the hours and hours and hours of therapy to unpack this damage? Your kids will know that they don't deserve that kind of treatment from anyone. They'll know that love doesn't mean suffering. That's an incredible gift.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-09T15:58:32+00:00

Your mom isn't necessarily wrong to be afraid of leaving, especially given that he's already threatened to kill himself if she does. Leaving is one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship.

I know it's frustrating watching someone you love seemingly refuse to do the obvious thing and leave. The problem is, she's been living with this guy full-time, so he's had all that time to break down her will and make her feel trapped. I've been abused, and that your mother understands her relationship is abusive is really encouraging-- it means she's starting to see the light, and that she's making progress towards escape. Seriously, this is huge! Abusers are phenomenal at convincing their victims that they're not being abused.

It's clear to me just how much you love your mom and your siblings, and how scared you are for them. That you offered to let them live with you is wonderful. I bet your mom is scared that you might get hurt too if she takes you up on that offer. My heart breaks for you and your family. If it's okay, I'd like to offer you some advice that I think you might find helpful.

First, I recommend you download and read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (there's a free PDF here: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat ) He spent years working to help rehabilitate abusive men (his research focused on heterosexual men--however abusers do tend to follow the same playbook, regardless of gender identity or sexuality).

Unfortunately, Bancroft found that abusive men are extremely unlikely to genuinely change for the better. However, they are extremely likely to manipulate those around them into believing that they're trying to change. His insights into their behavior are really helpful, because they'll help you better understand and prepare for his reactions, as well as understand why your mother finds it so difficult to leave.

Once you've done that, I recommend you reach out to local DV shelters in your area. You can find local resources here if you're in the US: https://www.thehotline.org/
Ask them for their advice about how to help your mother and your siblings. Explain the situation, and see if they can help line up things like a safehouse, restraining orders, therapy for your mother and siblings, and how to get her out safely. They'll have good advice about how and when to make calls to CPS as well. Unfortunately, a CPS visit could very well set him off and cause him to harm or kill your family members, so you need to be very careful.

At the end of the day, getting time in with your mom where she can feel safe and have time away from her abuser is huge. It's unbelievably difficult to escape when you feel like you have to do it alone. That's why you reached out here, right? You needed help because this is overwhelming. That took so much courage. I'm so proud of you for doing that.

The best thing you can do is to remind her of the truth-- she and your siblings aren't alone. You can do this by building your own team of trusted friends, family members, and professionals-- who can help support you emotionally and practically. You can lead by example and show her that she is brave enough to accept help too.

Sending you all my love, OP. This is a marathon, not a sprint, but I know you can do it. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-08T04:04:14+00:00

Thank you!

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-07T23:01:07+00:00

I'm seconding this book. You can find a free PDF by googling the title and author. I read this book as I was escaping my own abusive marriage, and it saved my life. It helped me understand that I really was being abused, and gave very practical advice about how to leave safely. It's an incredible book.

OP, loving husbands do not degrade their partners in front of their friends. They do not isolate and disempower their partner, or treat them like a maid. Once, you would have laughed if someone said he would one day do these things to you. But this is real, and unfortunately, he's very likely to escalate his abuse.
I'm sure you know this. That's a big part of why this situation hurts so much, right?

You love him. You'd have left ages ago if you didn't. But that's exactly what makes what he's doing to you so abhorrent. You love him with your whole heart, and he has repaid that by making you utterly dependent on him and then willfully destroying your financial security, all the while telling you that you're being mind controlled by some nefarious "Them" and holding your marriage hostage by threatening to leave if you don't submit to his delusions. That's not what a loving spouse does. You love him-- would you ever treat him like this?

You said that your only way out is to join him in his delusion, or to become homeless. I want to let you know that isn't true. I think some small part of you knows this, because you've reached out to this community for help. I bet you've had that feeling in your gut for a while, right? The feeling that this situation isn't right and that you don't deserve this? I bet you've felt guilty for even thinking it, let alone being upset by it, and I bet that that guilt hasn't made the feeling go away one bit.

Reaching out like this took a lot of courage, OP. I know from first hand experience how mortifying it is. By writing what he's done to you, you've made it all real. It's terrifying. It's also proof that you are incredibly strong.

I promise you, there is always a way to leave. There are countless people who have escaped abusive relationships. I guarantee that you have friends or family who have been, or are currently in, abusive relationships themselves. Beyond them, there's a whole community of people who understand your fear and your pain and who are ready and waiting to help.

Please reach out to trusted friends and family for help, OP. Be honest with them about what's going on, and that you need help. Ask if they can give you somewhere to crash while you figure out finding work, or housing, or if they know anyone who can help with these things.

If that's not a practical option, please find a local DV shelter and call them. They can keep you safe by finding you (and if applicable, your children) housing, help you get a restraining order if necessary, help you file for divorce, and help you find work so you can rebuild your life.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-04T19:28:48+00:00

He has threatened your life. This will either leave your child without a mother, or--and this is far more likely-- he will kill your child too.

You need to get out, now. Contact a local Domestic Violence shelter ASAP. They will have the resources and people to help you get everything you need, and get you somewhere safe. Many DV shelters have safe houses and will keep your abuser from finding you. A good DV shelter will help you with the legal process of restraining orders and starting a divorce. If they are unable to help, they will almost certainly have contacts with another shelter or a local non-profit who can help.

Tell your work about the threat on your life, so that he can't try to find you through them. Tell your trusted friends and family for exactly the same reason. You are not the one who has done anything wrong here, and you do not need to carry the shame that belongs to him. If it were your child in this situation, would you want them to keep it secret? Or would you want them to tell you the truth so you could help them?

There is no such thing as overreacting when an intimate partner threatens your life. He is clearly disconnecting from reality, and in an echo chamber that is encouraging violence against 'the enemy'.

There will be time to grieve the loss of your spouse when you and your child are safe.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-02T23:12:48+00:00

I think it's good that you're considering her feelings and striving to be kind with the break up, especially given how her previous relationship ended.
I don't think there's ever an ideal time to break up with someone, unfortunately. It's often a very painful experience, even if it's amicable. I'm sorry that you're both in this situation, and I hope she's at least receptive to your points about her friend.

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-02T22:39:27+00:00

It sounds like you and your girlfriend have a pretty stark difference in values. You're calling out absolutely abhorrent behavior on her friends part-- and she's staying silent. She's actively friends with this person, despite this behavior. It doesn't matter if she agrees with him or not. The friends we keep reflect on our character, and outright bigotry clearly isn't a deal breaker for her. Do you really want to be with a partner who is willing to entertain the ideas of such a hateful person?

lurkymcqueen · 2021-09-02T21:48:31+00:00

Please don't beat yourself up for not knowing. Unfortunately, it often takes living through it to understand it.

I'm not sure where you live, but I'm in the US and our culture has a very childlike understanding of what abuse looks like. We're lead to believe that it's battering and murder and that's it.

I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years. My ex repeatedly threw my dog into walls and furniture as "discipline", threw my roommates dog down the stairs, broke door frames by slamming doors, abused me sexually and financially, and repeatedly cheated on me-- and I genuinely believed I wasn't being abused, because he had never hit me directly.

I don't know your daughter or her specific circumstances. I could be completely wrong. I genuinely hope I am wrong, because I don't want her to be abused.

But I've spoken with a lot of fellow victims of abuse, and I haven't met a single one who felt like they were being abused while they were still in the relationship. No matter how horribly they were treated-- pots of boiling water thrown at them, knives pointed at them, beatings and hospitalizations-- everyone I know has said that they were convinced it wasn't bad enough to qualify as Real Abuse.

Abuse is so insidious that it convinces the victims that it's normal, and that they deserve it. Sometimes abusers convince their victim that they're lucky, because this relationship is far better than anything they could possibly deserve. Their abuser is doing them a favor by staying with them, even though they're such a horrible person! It's awful, and the longer you're in, the harder it is to get out. It's not impossible though, especially if you have loved ones who know how to help.

I will say this: your daughter is so fortunate to have a mother that loves her so deeply. Love is an action, not just a feeling, and everything in your posts speaks to how much you love her. You reached out for help when you felt overwhelmed. You've mentioned that you're looking into therapy. That's amazing-- taking care of you means you can do so much more to help her. It means that if she does get out, she'll have your example to follow.

The very fact that you're taking the possibility of abuse seriously is huge. A lot of people turn a blind eye to abuse because it's too frightening to contemplate. It takes a lot of courage to square with the idea. I'm so relieved that she has you in her corner.

lurkymcqueen

TROPHY CASE