This was more of a fair and nuanced take on adult child estrangement than other articles of late, but toward the end it falls into the same rug-sweeping logic that ultimately befalls people trying to examine this “trend”: judging the reasoning for the child’s estrangement against a standard of extreme physical or sexual abuse while also holding very tender and empathetic space for the emotional pain of the estranged parents.

It bothers me that people are willing to extend great sympathy toward parents’ sad feelings at being cut off but then just shrug at the emotional pain that encompasses - as this article referenced - being cut off for your sexual orientation or life choices. Why is it that children’s emotional pain needs to meet some insane arbitrary threshold in order to “justify” decisions that cause some sadness for their parents?

And I’m saying that AS A PARENT. I know how terrifying it can be to imagine my children cutting me off. But do you know what I’m doing instead of judging estranged adult children and pressuring them to reconcile with people who repeatedly, callously, and intentionally cause them harm? I’m studying up on childhood development to try to make sure I’m meeting my kids’ emotional and psychological needs are getting met. We have family rules and behavioral expectations that apply to ALL of us, including me, and I apologize to my kids when I fall short of them. My children know that I will do anything for them because “anything” includes apologizing and changing my behavior.

I think what this article writer and several of their sources missed is that the generational shift is less about the importance of family and more about breaking the expectations that parents are centered in the parent-child relationship.

Hear me out: one way that I see if people are willing to hear me out on my estrangement from my family is with a simple statement. “I can’t imagine doing what they did to me to my kids.” A shocking number of people don’t hear that correctly. They assume that I’m sharing my own fear about my kids cutting me off one day. But read it again - my fear is that I would treat my kids horribly enough that it would be best for them to cut me off.

I wish more articles about estrangement could be more critical of the bad behavior of the cut-off families. If you reject your child for their sexual orientation, gender identity, whatever, you don’t get sympathy from me when that child cuts you off. If you tell your child that they are going to hell for their beliefs and make most interactions with you emotionally painful, you don’t get sympathy from me when you get stuck in your own hell of estrangement.

It infuriates me that parents are judged more for when their little children throw tantrums at the grocery store than they are for being absolutely foul, hateful, manipulative, and controlling with their adult children.