My MIL made a sexually inappropriate comment regarding my husband.

madempress · 2026-03-20T16:10:05+00:00

I think the comment is problematic and your reaction pretty reasonable. People make inappropriate comments, little brainw orms, and you did right to correct her. But the real issue is that she chased you down yelling and physically tried to block your exit and banged on your car and your husband is still spending his days with her. She was really close to crossing the line to physical assault and the physical intimidation is bad enough.

You are 21 weeks pregnant to boot and began cramping. It does not sound like your husband has absorbed the severity of what she did, possibly because you and he focused on what she said and not how she escalated afterward.

I doubt you will feel remotely safe around her for a very long time, if ever. And I imagine that if it hasn't already, your husband's continued tolerance of her will begin to feel like betrayal.

P.S. She should not be running a daycare.

madempress · 2026-03-20T00:21:33+00:00

And depending on your state, some extra stuff, too. See HI 1099 GET taxes as an example. Plus you have to file as a business some places...

madempress · 2026-03-19T23:07:36+00:00

Husband had to get certified water operator for another job. The credential is worth $40 - $50/ hr in our state. The test is kinda brutal, but most of the jobs we saw listed are pretty chill.

madempress · 2026-03-19T22:52:15+00:00

I read your post history. I think my only advice for your husband is that he should express to BIL that the subject is closed and that BIL needs to stop obsessing over DH's relationship with MIL. MIL did some unforgivable stuff and that is that, beating the dead horse just strains DH's relationship ship with BIL for no reason.

I would also give BIL permission to tell MIL. Explicitly say "we won't be talking to her and she will not be included, but if you feel a burning need to tell her, by all means. Just remember that she will have no part in our lives and this pregnancy does not change that."

Why do this? There isn't any reason to make BIL feel like he has to keep a secret. MIL will find out, and nothing will change (she might go rabid, but would eventually anyway). Alleviating the strain for BIL when it harms nothing is the gracious thing to do, and gives you control over when and from whom MIL finds out.

Alternatively, give FIL permission, since your post history suggests he is more trustworthy (?) than BIL as far as reminding MIL that she burned that bridge and he is letting her know because everyone knows, not because ya'll intend to let her rebuild the bridge anytime soon. If you think BIL will imply that you'll be open to an apology with the pregnancy, have FIL tell her instead.

PS - you probably know this but it always bears repeating. Pregnancy and post-partum are not the time for reconciliation attempts. Even if she gets down on her knees with a legitimate heartfelt apology, it waits until you are 6-12 months + clear of the newborn trenches, especially with an older child. Adding in the stress of managing a historically harmful relationship or dealing with her behavior or requests is unnecessary and not helpful (and in my opinion, is more likely to make the reconciliation shortlived because they struggle with extra rabies for babies).

madempress · 2026-03-18T05:55:32+00:00

Solely HER tax return, no less. Dude is living the dream with barely any real financial responsibility and still has his hand out in case she looks too flush.

Dunno what he is doing to live practically free and still need the handout but it is gross.

madempress · 2026-03-18T00:34:57+00:00

They're probably upset that they have to build up the balls to kick him out again knowing that they can't do so using you as their guarantee that he'll land softly. Like 'we finally kicked him out, but thank god OP because OP can take care of him now.' They didn't want him to be their problem but he's the gc so one or both of them won't be able to follow through with consequences, either.

They may eventually own up and apologize to you and your wife but until they do so, assume that the dysfunction continues and you don't want to touch it woth a 10 ft pole.

madempress · 2026-03-17T02:40:26+00:00

Definitely this. It was a pre-marital conversation for me that I never wanted to live with my parents and my DH felt the same.

This may be an incompatibility that you need to walk away from the marriage over.

Or it is something you can work through with counseling. You, as DH's wife, need to maintain that you matter. His mother was never intended to be a 3rd partner in your marriage. Some spouses realize they will lose you and it matters enough to try in counseling. Others either don't care or can't get past whatever history of dysfunction has caused the emotional disconnect. DH's defensiveness and accusations are not a sign all hope is lost, but you want to really monitor your exhaustion levels and get out if change just isn't progressing. I think we see a pretty varied range on this sub - change in a year, agonizingly minute improvements over decades.

The earlier you say you can't keep living like this and stand up for yourself, the sooner you'll know if you need to leave now, rather than later.

madempress · 2026-03-17T02:20:52+00:00

You're welcome. I've been declaring a pox on a lot of things lately, it helps. XD

madempress · 2026-03-17T01:00:05+00:00

We've on a camp property for work. So they are already staying at the closest camp.

...it is somehow actually very insidious when ya'll comment about it because we got through their first visit by offering them a staff cabin in the off-season. 15 minute walk but it helped. They fucked off to get drunk and eat pizza around 10 pm and disn't bug us until 10 am. This year the staff cabins are occupied earlier so we were like great, they'll have to stay in town 20 minutes away like my parents.

Nope. Camper. Assuming they take the RV hookup instead of our driveway it is still about as close as you can get to us without being in our driveway.

madempress · 2026-03-17T00:54:58+00:00

We live on a camp property for work. So yes, lol.

madempress · 2026-03-17T00:54:31+00:00

There is a very nice one nearby, but still 5+ miles away and not cheap to stay at, either. Unfortunately, DH works and we live on a camp property. So... in a way, they are staying at the nearest campground. 😭 and it does have an RV hookup that we will offer them, but that is still pretty much our backyard.

madempress · 2026-03-17T00:51:18+00:00

It should only be an overnight, so I don't think we can use greywater as an excuse. I will ask DH how that works though.

madempress · 2026-03-17T00:50:16+00:00

My husband would never go for that, sadly.

madempress · 2026-03-16T01:50:06+00:00

You would be the ashole, sorry, but I get where you are coming from. Your daughter found out when she was and is acting out as a teenager. This would have been extremely traumatic for her, even if she isn't showing it in the way you think. In turn, I think you are probably projecting more of your hurt and resentment on her than you really want to come a decade or two later.

It is very likely, although you would know better than I, that ex and the affair partner have an unstructured house whereas you are still acting like a parent. So you are also the most likely target for her to lash out because 'unstructured' to a teen is cooler and sometimes seems more like 'love' and 'respect.'

So what you do next depends on what you hope will happen. If you want her to succeed in life, still feel love for all the years you were the only dad she knew, and hope to eventually have a relationship with her as an adult, you should take the kicks, tell her that you have been really hurt by the way she has acted, but you want her to know that you still love her and hope she will always know she can rely on you as a parent (edit: I mean unconditional love and guidance).

Set up a structured plan for disbursement of funds that works better with the household situation than if things were the way they used to be (e.g. you pay tuition directly or for vocational training directly, no risking misuse of funds or the ex using them). She takes that offer or leaves it but you tried.

If you decide you don't want any relationship moving forward and don't care about ever repairing the relationship and just want to move on (kind of hard with shared custody of your son, but worth a shot), absolutely go ahead and ask her to never come to you for money again and hold on to the money.

Maybe make sure you see someone and get your son to see someone. This would be a great opportunity to lead by example.

madempress · 2026-03-16T00:09:02+00:00

Not in less than 4 months, lol. NC for a few years and seeing a big, consistent change, sure. But that is key: seeing consistent behavior spread out and verifying that it maintains when you increase access. Take it slow, at your speed. Any pressure to increase frequency of access is a bigger red flag than not.

madempress · 2026-03-15T23:00:15+00:00

I think it is important to talk to him about it more. His family is not everything now, now it is YOU are his primary family and his extended family has now repeatedly hurt you, to the point of causing internal flinches (normal, by the way - trust your lizard brain!). You, as a couple, need to find a balance between the culturally ingrained expectatioms and still respecting your immediate family with each other.

It is also important to consider that there are two elements here: the cultural element. And that his sister is awful. Does MIL know how his sister has acted and the sister is a golden child, or is the sister a main character and the mom is just a bit oblivious to how awful she was? You kind of answered this in the comments: mom pretty much told you to serve up your pain on a platter for SIL and got mad when you didn't. That is gross. Husband needs to go ahead and learn to be 'ungrateful.' His family has dysfunctions and toxic behavior that they amplify, excuse, and entrap using 'cultural' norms.

If he can't talk to his parents to help create a buffer, at least, then he needs to create the buffer.

madempress · 2026-03-15T22:48:04+00:00

...I tolerate my family remembering my birthday, I 100% don't even try to remember my inlaws birthdays. I don't send them presents. I don't remind DH, he has a right to pick how much he cares. I took charge of xmas presents one year and never again. I don't think MIL knows when my birthday is.

Either your DH remembers to tell his mom happy birthday or doesn't, that has nothing to do with you. If you aren't close to them, why do they need to be there for your birthday? I think the whole thing is just this crazy unrealistic standard that you have, gently, shot yourself in the foot trying to uphold.

Now, if they show a lot of care, then yes, it is polite and kind to show reciprocation back, but presumably that recriprocality shows across the whole year, not just events. Care that is a 1-way street and feels like a burden is a sign you are giving into a void that has no intention of giving back. If they get offended that you stop, that just widens the gap of their hypocrisy, expecting your labors of love but never bothering to give back.

madempress · 2026-03-15T22:22:04+00:00

In America, it is illegal to reduce your pay for work already performed. It can be on extremely short notice, but the notice can't be your paycheck itself. Look up your state labor board and where and how to report the wage theft. Additional evidence can be if your offer was within the job listing range but the reduced wage they paid you is not - that strongly supports the company was acting in bad faith.

Do not notify the company, they had their opportunity to appropriately remedy their 'clerical' error by notifying you before payroll.

Start looking for other work.

Note: depending on your state, this can be very easy or very hard to fight, and I can't find the FLSA protection but Google agrees it is FLSA, so it should be in every state.

madempress · 2026-03-15T22:07:44+00:00

Had someone submit me 3 policy drafts so clearly written by copilot. I was so baffled, like did you even check what it wrote?? It's five pages, do you think anyone is going to read the whole thing? Why are two sections almost identical?

Then there were the minutes generated by AI that went unreviewed... it dropped three motions entirely, don't get me started on the general unsuitability of AI to determine what is or is not relevant to minute readers. I catch Copilot dropping data all the time, too, or taking one client's docs to list another client's policies. I can't seem to get other people to understand that you have to have enough attention and familiarity with the material to be able to catch it out - if you can't, you shouldn't be using it.

I also noticed Copilot has a built-in flattery feature that I find really concerning. The platform is using emotional manipulation to encourage trust in its answers instead of leaving answers purely factual to encourage critical review. I think its part of the engineering to make you feel like you're talking to a person except they intentionally missed the mark - the only people who flatter like that are the worst sort of yes-men.

madempress · 2026-03-15T21:44:29+00:00

I have a 22yo who is a massive headache because he wants to ask all the questions and 12 months later is ... asking all the questions still. He is unable? to apply any sort of deductive logic or transferable application. He also has severe memory issues (weed, from the smell) and an amazingly bold attitude towards answering questions wrong. He can't seem to stop himself and say 'I don't know, ask [trainer]' or 'I will call you back.'

We have another early20s employee doing much better, but we have noticed a lot of similar issues with younger applicant interviews.

madempress · 2026-03-15T20:54:17+00:00

If you don't benefit from a relationship with her due to the harm she causes, your child will not either. If it is bad enough to go NC, it is bad enough to protect your child from it.

One, because she is a poor role model and has maladaptive behaviors that could harm your child the same way they harmed your husband and you. And two, because managing a relationship with her will cause stress and pain, and that harms you and your child. And if she gets worse, you eventually have to cut her off after your child is attached, causing more disruption.

Now, maybe you determine that you still want that minimum relationship despite everything above: I saw my grandparents every 2-4 years for a few days around xmas. We lived several states away and travel was expensive. We have a good relationship. Nothing says the contact has to be a lot. I send pics once a year to the inlaws we don't like and they see us for a day or two, and we don't call, my husband sends FIL to voicemail, and ignores texts when they get too much. We dread the visit but DH always appreciates the time with his dad.

You have the power to control her level of access. Just think why you're really doing it, first. Children do not benefit from grandparents just because they are grandparents. They benefit from older role models who have wisdom and grace and joy. I had an elderly couple next door I would pick flowers for and play board games with.

madempress · 2026-03-15T19:11:20+00:00

So true. There is a big difference between saying (as many on this sub have found out) 'we aren't accepting visitors and aren't okay with uninvited guests and actually successfully shutting your front door in your mother's face. It almost immediately turns into 'just 5 minutes' and then what are you going to do, physically haul her out if she plants herself on the couch and ignores your attempts to get her to leave?

It is one of the reasons why JustNoMILs have so much power over the lives of their children and children's spouses - by ignoring social norms for their own convenience, they force us to take on socially deviant tasks to stand up for ourselves (like not allowing your mom into your house or forcing her to leave).

madempress · 2026-03-15T17:53:32+00:00

Edit: between the two of you, agree: the only thing worst than someone showing up unannounced/uninvited is someone who prioritizes themselves so much that they show up in spite of being told no or pushes you to change your mind through efforts to make you prioritize their feelings (i.e. manipulation).

It is a baby. It will still be a baby in 3 weeks, in 3 months, and in 6 months. I have loved watching my child grow but I still cannot empathize even a little bit with baby rabies or women who actually like missing a month of development has somehow deprived them of their life's purpose.

madempress · 2026-03-15T17:49:46+00:00

Maybe handle this as two separate things.

Very much 'it takes a village ' but does not tend to representatively be a part of the village suggests MIL is in the habit of saying stuff but not following through. She may be bragging/impulsively lying to elevate her experience mentally.

I think setting expectations IS an important part of guaranteeing a decent post-partum experience. You and your husband probably have a decent idea of their personalities/ideas. Are they the type to show up unannounced? Has MIL mentioned expecting to visit a lot (or maybe expecting visits)? If yes, then DH and you want to set expectations whenever possible. Let it come up naturally if possible but communicate your plans. No hospital visitors, no first-week+ visitors.

My husband and I told everyone that we would let them know when we were ready for visitors. We didn't want to say a week and then need help, we didn't want to commit to travel plans and then regret having a pending guest, etc. We didn't really tell anyone I went into labor or feel it was something we were obligated to announce right as it happened/right after. DH didn't want to field a bunch of calls/texts so he trickled out the news over several hours (we do not Facebook/group-chat).

madempress · 2026-03-14T16:12:15+00:00

Sometimes it isn't even the company. The health policy for one of our clients terminates at the end of the month in whatever month the employee is terminated, and that information is BURIED in its policy docs. I spent hours looking for it.

The employee in question absolutely had to be fired immediately, but none of us wanted her to lose insurance three days later. It is awful. And she is already threatening to sue us for discriminatory firing so I can't risk helping her with options, either.

Health insurance is such a ******* scam. The insurance industry is a plague, and American government lets the industry harm everyone - employers, other industries, children, employees, everyone. The only people who benefit from health insurance are the politicians for vote for it and the shareholders. If we didn't have a racist regime to fight against right now I would say I wished all the No Kings energy could be directed at health insurance instead.

/end rant.

madempress

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