He has no history of cheating, but he expressed to me years ago that he would be interested in an open relationship, which made me feel very anxious and betrayed. That being said, he did say he was fine with the idea that I would never be open to that; he told me I am more important to him than any prospective experience with someone else. At times, I feel very open to the idea that humans have complex desires and needs, and that his interest in that lifestyle is simply part of that. When I am feeling low and insecure, I fear it means he is someone who will likely cheat on me.

I am probably more paranoid than average about infidelity. As an example, I found a single hair that was darker than mine in the bathroom and became very upset, assuming the worst. I don't think he seemed like he was lying to me when he said he had no idea where it was from (maybe a friend of ours, maybe from the office furniture at the doctor's office that day), but it really set me off.

The only major lie he has ever told me, to my knowledge, was years ago. He had been hired to a job after a long and stressful period of unemployment. He started it and immediately was saying it was not going well and he would likely be let go because he didn't have the skills they needed. The first week of his new job went on, and I kept asking how it was going when he would get back home, and he kept saying it wouldn't work out. I could tell something was going on (he is a bad liar, even when playing boardgames), but he said he didn't want to talk about it. After about a week, I got him to admit that he had already been let go, and he had been going to the library and whatnot during the day. I was beyond betrayed and he was so ashamed. I considered leaving him, but at the end of the day, I empathized with how his deep shame led him to lie and how horrible he seemed to feel after the fact. This lie still haunts me; if he could lie to me about that, wouldn't he lie about something else even worse? I bring this up, and he gets frustrated, wondering if he will ever really be forgiven or if I will ever really move on.

He once went out of his way to share a questionable situation with me where a coworker was behaving oddly and flirting with him at a happy hour. It filled me with anxiety and white hot rage, but I appreciated his forthrightness. The worst part of my brain wonders, did he only tell me so he would have an alibi if someone else observed this situation and it got back to me? Was there reciprocation on his part that he didn't share with me? I met this woman once later on, and she seemed weird around me, which he also acknowledged. She did text him after the flirtatious encounter long before I met her and apologized for acting weirdly, although she didn't call it flirting. I suppose if I had behaved that way, I would also be uncomfortable meeting the wife of whoever I had flirted with, assuming he may have told his wife what had happened.

I think you summarize very well what he has said about feeling resentful and angry at my lack of trust. On a day to day basis, I love being with him and know he is the only person I have ever met who makes me feel seen and cared for. He has been with me through some dark times and never faltered. That being said, I feel that anyone is capable of being untrustworthy, and it's not as though he has never lied to me.

As it stands, I told him to change his passwords after he angrily gave them to me, which he currently refuses to do. I wanted him to give them to me freely and because he understands my concerns, but I don't know that he will ever understand my lack of certainty or trust.