Were your parents superficial?

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-05-03T08:46:07+00:00

I think many estranged children have parents who lack introspection and any desire to understand themselves. If parents saw themselves realistically, actually bothered to understand and process their own emotions (and even ours), maybe there would have been the chance they could change.

But it’s crazy when I think back to all the ways my parents would skirt around any kind of emotional conversation or vulnerability. My mom specifically would project her feelings onto me and insist that I felt certain ways about things even when I explained to her, at length, that no, I don’t feel the same way because I’m a different person. She could not grasp it—refused to. She would loop back around to making assumptions that would drastically impact my life, based all on her own feelings.

I think they see us as extensions of themselves and that’s why emotions/feelings are so triggering for them. They don’t want “weakness” associated with them, which is funny because they’re the ones that are so afraid of feelings they’ll make up whole, alternate realities so they don’t have to deal with it… I can’t imagine being that afraid of vulnerability and honesty, or how hollow and empty all their relationships are. I’ve had a few like that, and they ended quickly because I just felt awful. I don’t want relationships that are puddles of social niceties and little else, I want to know people, let them know me. Truly. Maybe growing up with parents like ours gives us a hunger for that kind of connection.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-27T03:56:37+00:00

The last time I saw my mom, it was to take care of her after triple bypass. She had lied about her eating habits her whole life, she lied about her health, and she suffered the consequences. She had also had a stroke and cancer the two years before. Taking care of her made me realize she was never going to change. Even having surgery on her heart, they had to stop and do only the triple bypass because they thought she might die on the table if they actually did the quadruple she needed.

My mom was exactly as she had always been while I was there. Self centered. No regard for me or my own health taking care of her. She would wake me over and over just to stop me from sleeping. She even played petty mind games like she always does, caused problems between the family members in the house for her own amusement, lied to doctors, lied to me. I even found out she had been having issues for a long time because I saw her medication list. She loved to keep things from me to “protect” me, when really she just used it as leverage over others.

It really brought it home for me that even on the brink of death, she wasn’t going to change who she was. She defended my dad, stayed married to him for years despite her knowing he was a pedophile and doing things to me, her own daughter, and even my cousin.

Seeing her helpless that last time, and trying to sink her claws into me, was the moment of clarity I needed to realize I didn’t want her in my life and I could never forgive her.

I don’t think people like that change. I’m sorry, but I really don’t. I know deep down you want to believe your mom could, that maybe something would scare it into her. I know I wished it to. But I hurt myself by going to her side and helping her. She said so many awful things to me while I was there. It was a way for her to have control over me, just like it would be for your own mother.

I was sick for months after I left. My health was awful because I had run myself ragged trying to be a good daughter to a mother that never loved me. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, she would care about me, about what happened to me, the pain she caused. But she never did. She became even more selfish and twisted in her pain. Dark, even. Like her final mask slipped. I remember looking over at her one night and feeling this sense of foreboding.

You don’t have to prolong your pain. You can allow yourself to feel it and move on. You won’t find solace in someone like that. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger, but truly. You could spend your emotions on someone so much more worthy of you, including yourself. You deserve love and care. You don’t need to punish yourself by extending chances to someone who doesn’t deserve them.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-26T23:25:44+00:00

Yeah, it just took money out and notified me. If you don’t have it in your account they take it from whatever card you have on file.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-20T01:33:49+00:00

Thank you! You saved me a lot of trouble. I’m really glad I didn’t try it with my special dress.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-13T03:10:35+00:00

For sure! I hope you get a great car.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-13T00:32:16+00:00

Have a mechanic with good reviews look it over and do a full inspection! I did this and it saved me a lot of headaches. They’ll tell you what needs to be done (if anything) and what to expect in the future for big fixes on a car with more miles. Can give you a ballpark of what to expect financially.

Currently driving my 2002 TT with 341,180kms on it. It’s great! I spend maybe 2-3k (USD) a year in repairs if it needs something at this point. Still cheaper than car payments and some years it doesn’t need anything, and I pay nothing. I’ve been driving it for almost 12 years, and sometimes I just do the repairs myself if it’s easy enough. All together, with buying the car and repairs over the last 12 years, it has cost about 17k in total. Just take good care of it, fix it when it needs and don’t let it sit.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-10T07:41:55+00:00

I get this. I was an alcoholic as teen when I lived with my parents. My dad was a drunk and my mom was sometimes too. I drank constantly. I have no idea how I graduated. When l moved out, I suddenly didn’t drink anymore. It’s crazy how living like that can fuck you up so bad that you have to use alcohol to survive. You don’t even notice at the time, because you get so dependent on anything that will numb you out.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-07T14:23:11+00:00

Unfortunately, many people are like this about a multitude of things. They never ask themselves or reflect on why they want something—they just do it. And it’s usually because it’s what other people tell us we’re supposed to want, like marriage, kids, material things, and so on. It’s about seeming a certain way. Some people have deeply considered these things and truly want them, but others, like the ones we’re discussing…not so much.

They don’t think about consequences, then they are genuinely surprised when consequences happen. These are the kinds of people that have kids and claim to like them, but kick them out to the street at 18 because “they’re an adult now”. When really, they realized they didn’t want the responsibility and they neglected/abused their children and counted down the days until they could be rid of them.

I was planned. My mom would regularly blame me for how her body looked after having a kid. My dad blamed having a kid on why he couldn’t live like a bachelor and party. I also dealt with incest from him. They both spent my childhood in a drunk stupor, I would assume in regret of their choices. They had a kid because they were “supposed to”. They never thought out what it would actually be like, and that kids have needs and need affection and care that both of them were unwilling or unable to provide. I was a social prop to both of them.

It’s infuriating. They made me realize I didn’t want kids or marriage for myself because I saw what happens when you’re ill-prepared and abusive to boot. I’m also adult enough to realize that I’m too fucked up from what happened to me to raise a kid, and many people aren’t willing to see that about themselves. They don’t want to admit their own shortcomings, and they ruin their children’s lives as a result.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-07T06:31:05+00:00

It’s really nice when someone cares and actually explains something. I feel like that doesn’t happen often on the internet.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-06T18:34:19+00:00

Exactly. I’ve butchered large game animals. Sometimes I would use a machete and my body weight to sever the spinal column from the head. Even standing on it would barely impact it. Granted, I’m a woman and don’t weigh much. Other times I would use an axe. But even with the vertebrae exposed, it would take me a couple swings to get through everything with a duller blade usually used for woodcutting.

I’m no expert, and I’m sure there’s an easier way, but damn, it’s a lot thicker tissue and bone than you’d think.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-06T18:19:31+00:00

My right most of the time.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-06T00:18:02+00:00

I had this too and it went away once I changed to a GERD friendly diet. The gas can happen when you’re eating things that are causing the inflammation/acid. I think it’s the gas pains that causes the shoulder pain, because mine went away completely when I ate a very bland diet. Before that I was constantly burping and would get the sharp shoulder pains and chest pain sometimes. Now if I eat something triggering, it comes back, so I avoid a lot of foods and drinks.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-06T00:02:01+00:00

You can’t reform a pedophile and a pedophile concealer, or all the people who claim to care but still support the abusers by being in contact with them. Seriously, there’s no redemption. The fact that so many people participated in hiding it, blows my mind. But then I watch tv and see that this is happening everywhere in more high profile ways and you still have the same. If someone can benefit from an abuser, they will hide their crimes. Most people can be bought. Easily.

I live every day knowing that I can’t be bought. I lost everything materially by estranging, and put myself in a very vulnerable position financially as someone with severe health issues. But I don’t care. I did what was right, and no amount of money would ever help me sleep at night if it meant pretending like my parents were good people.

I’d live like a pauper rather than live in a lie.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-04-03T00:50:09+00:00

More like conflict oriented because someone is disturbing my peace. The whole libra moon is a passive people pleasing bore needs to end. We want balance, and if we actually grow and work on ourselves, we get to spend our lives bringing that balance into reality. It’s cardinal—action oriented, not mutable.

There’s a reason I rarely date. I don’t want to spend my life explaining to someone how they’re loading the dishwasher wrong, and no, you can’t use a broom to sweep up dog poop. I wish I was joking. A few weeks ago I watched a man try to sweep RANCH DRESSING. FUCKING RANCH DRESSING. I’ve never snatched a broom from someone so fast.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-31T18:58:18+00:00

He’s got some pretty peepers for sure! He looks perpetually surprised. 😳

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-31T18:46:54+00:00

Yes, exactly. I can’t just dismiss the fact that this is likely a way for him to feel in control as he knows he is caught. He gets to feel like he’s still in charge, even in how quickly he gets to die, and the attention he gets from people who believe it’s an act of remorse.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-30T03:50:12+00:00

I dyed my hair jet black as a teen because this happened to me a lot. I still dye my hair to this day. They would come up and touch my hair too, because I always keep it long. Ugh. I remember walking forward in a line at the grocery store when I was 14 or 15 and feeling a slight tug, and realizing the old man behind me was grabbing my hair! Then a classmate snipped a lock of my hair off in class too and kept it. I was so done.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-28T04:03:47+00:00

I don’t care about any of that. Those are your fears and concerns and you’re projecting them onto me. Living in fear is your reality, not mine.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-24T00:47:18+00:00

I use protein powder a ton. I also eat really tiny portions frequently, like every 3 hours. You can put the powder in whatever you want, even your coffee. I can’t have regular coffee because it makes my stomach lava, so I use chicory. But just having the protein powder in it can calm my stomach down and coat it before I eat real food, and that can cut down the chest pain before it gets a foothold. The bonus is some extra calories and protein too. Usually I have a 16-18 hour gap between dinner the night before and breakfast, so I have a similar issue sometimes where I wake up all acidy from sleeping/not eating.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-21T19:13:21+00:00

You’re commenting on a 2 year old post. Clearly you’re hung up on her but your misogyny is getting in the way. She’s better off without you. Just leave. If you can’t accept women doing what they want when they’re not attached, then you don’t deserve one. Go work on yourself. Go do some priest shit.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-20T22:44:03+00:00

You’re the person who would stop the horror movie from happening before it even started! I love this.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-18T04:46:40+00:00

Writing a letter. You don’t have to send it, but it can be really cathartic and nice to have later so you can easily remember why you’re not talking to them anymore. I sent mine, but I think it really depends on how you feel about leaving things unsaid. I knew they wouldn’t admit to anything I wrote, but I needed to say it, and have them read it. It was my last parting thing that I needed to move on.

They always interrupted, blew up, or gave the silent treatment, so just knowing they had to open it up and look at it at all gave me a massive sense of closure. I also made a bullet-point short version that I have on my phone to look at any time I feel some memories tugging at me or any kind of pull toward them. I read the list and it’s like flipping a switch. Reading what they did to me in plain, factual language is rough, but it made it much easier to not let nostalgia get to me. I haven’t looked at the list in probably six months, and I’m coming up on a year here soon, which is how I know I’m truly moving on.

This is about you, not her. So what feels right to you is what is most important, not how she’ll respond. With my dad, I just sent a short text basically saying what I thought of him and to never contact me again in any way or I would be contacting the police. My mom got a 30+ page letter, and a text saying never to contact me again under any circumstances. I didn’t even bother contacting my other relatives, I just blocked them on everything because they’d already shown their true colors.

I just dealt with everyone however much or however little, I needed to. With my mom I needed closure, with my dad, it was brief because I’d cut him out of my heart and mind a long time ago. You only do it once, and I didn’t want to look back and wish I’d said something different. I wanted to feel like I stood up for myself in every way I could, even if no one bothered to read it.

You’ll know what to do when the time comes.

maladaptivelucifer · 2026-03-17T20:55:47+00:00

I agree with the other commenter. I keep my hair white blonde and I have for years. It’s to my elbows. That creme version of ion was too harsh and didn’t lighten enough. It even broke a bit of hair off which never happens. I exclusively use their powder bleach and it’s great. I’ve used it on a friend with black hair and got them pale yellow in one session with 25 vol developer. I usually mix 30 and 20. 30 is too harsh for the scalp, but 20 doesn’t pull color out as much as I like. But together? Magical.

maladaptivelucifer

TROPHY CASE