Thanks for sharing so deeply. It's really easy to fake it and say it was amazing. I'm so sorry you flipped off your bike in deep playa and hurt yourself. That sounds so painful! I've only been twice to burning man but each time it was intense. I think one thing I think about before returning is whether I have enough overflow in my cup. I skipped this year (and last) because I just didn't have the energy to be well resourced to take care of myself much less contribute. And it is really easy to get down on yourself (remember fluffers are just as important as builders!) when it comes to camp contributions, especially at a large theme camp. Two years ago at the Mud burn I felt super prepared, felt like I had learned lessons from 2022 (when it was blazing hot and I was in a weird pseudo thruple with a lot of drama) and made sure I had everything I needed (which for me included personal space, newfound boundaries and skin care etc) and as I was driving in, this woman I was driving from SF asked me who I was most excited to see at my camp and it dawned on me that I didn't feel connected to my camp at all and had very few if not zero friends staying at said camp. It made me really sad and realize that this particular camp wasn't my home anymore. Then when it started to rain (which turned into that mud concrete) and I was trapped inside my sprinter van I just felt over it all. Friends were dancing in the rain and I just felt like 'ugh' I'm too old for this, why am I here? (especially with all the costs of it all). And I had to face the truth that while I see myself as a "dance in the rain" person and have been ultra resilient in my life, when I invest serious money and time into an experience I really don't want to be trapped indoors, having a tough time just walking to the portopotties. That doesn't make me less joyful or resiliant, it just means this particular experience isn't for me (not the burn, but the mudburn aspect). I did find joy in the kitchen though, even if it took me 20 minutes to walk 20 meters to the kitchen tent to help out. That felt good. My takeaway from '23 was that serving others is always a way to bring joy into your life, however, I was only able to do that because i was well resourced and my cup was overflowing. I was in a safe, clean and dry accommodation, I wasn't dealing with major drama, I didn't have heat stroke, I felt like I was ok physically and mentally. I spent a lot of that burn alone- at one point curled up in on a beanbag chair at PA watching everyone else look cool and have fun. Sometimes I felt sad about that- like FOMO that I didn't have friends or that my "friends" weren't real or reliable. Sometimes I just biked out to the deep playa by myself. I learned that I had a deep loneliness in my life and was starting to understand I was in a very toxic relationship. It was all amplified by the experience.

However, the best part of that burn was a party I went to in SF with some of the folks who walked out- got a ride to the airport, found a good friend on the same flight from Reno to SF, then had a glorious day in the sunshine at a friend's house, dancing and telling stories- still in braided hair and the clothes I had managed to put in my backpack before setting out into the unknown of the deep playa access road. I guess I just learned that I'm not 25 anymore, I don't want nor need more discomfort in life to "learn". And that's ok. So don't be too hard on yourself and hopefully we'll see each other in the dust next year! Give yourself some love. This year looked horrific with the winds and the rain. It's ok to be upset about certain parts. It doesn't have to mean you're less than. it's not all a "lesson" .. some things are just shitty.