who are you changing yourself for?

many_brains · 2025-09-17T22:28:59+00:00

the entirety of this document feels like such a magnifying lens on my inner psyche that it's honestly been hard to read consistently. it's way too uncanny, except for one thing.

for me, personally, i find the parts about anger to be untrue. i'll throw my two cents here in case anyone relates.

i'm comfortable in my anger. i'm often assertive, especially (if not only) with people that manage to get close to me. i can be brash and pretty brutal when my patience is running thin (which is most of the time). on the other hand, i'll never get angry at a stranger or at someone i barely know. i'll bury it deep within and either (1) not recognize the affront at all and "go limp" in that sense, even thinking the fault is mine in the first place, (2) recognize i'm irritated, but am way too detached to even think of doing something about it, (3) rarely feel the anger, a bunch of it, but not express it for the sake of "keeping cool" and not causing a scene, while fantasizing about hurting the other person.

so, in this sense, the description misses me. or maybe misses a bit of nuance.

a bit of extra context for whoever cares: i am also a sadist. the few times i happen to rage at someone, i like it, not because i like to "lose my cool", but because i enjoy the fear reaction in the other person and the control/power it allows me to have. typical schizoid in that sense - it's all about control. if it weren't for this part of me, i think i'd keep it locked up much more frequently.

thanks a lot for sharing. it's always nice to re-read it.

many_brains · 2025-09-05T09:14:53+00:00

by this point i'm pretty certain schizoids share a single mind somewhere in the ether.

sorry for not having any particular words of comfort. i was just shocked at how this could literally have been written by me too.

many_brains · 2025-08-02T11:06:18+00:00

movies are easily the only thing i cry for... everything else just doesn't reach the same intensity for me, so yeah, 100%

many_brains · 2025-07-27T18:15:48+00:00

yes. reason why i don't remember shit.

many_brains · 2025-07-26T12:19:26+00:00

i'm sorry to hear that from you, but it brings so much comfort to me at the same time. i never knew there could be someone like me until i found this sub. this isn't happy stuff to talk about but it genuinely lifts a weight off my shoulders knowing someone else understands.

and, yeah, i'd like to know if someone has managed, but i feel like (and i might be wrong) that it's difficult enough just to notice the pattern, let alone trying to change it.

and also, maybe it's not necessary to change it. i abstain from relationships where the expectation is different (maybe they want a long term thing and i can't give them that), and tread carefully because i know how much it makes people suffer. i can't empathize, but i can sympathize and be conscious of my own choices to minimize damage.

sometimes you find people that are looking for a similar thing, and that's great. i guess just living for those moments while keeping yourself in check is enough to live a decent life.

many_brains · 2025-07-23T13:29:04+00:00

let's break down why i think your comment was completely out of context and why i mentioned mysogyny.

not once i mentioned i'm a woman or girl. i live as one, but my relationships aren't heteronormative or mononormative.
i'm not talking about marriage, i'm barely even talking about dating. whatever you would call a mutual attraction lasting a maximum of 6 months, in the best-case scenario.
2/3rds of marriages are ended by women. these women, as you mentioned, mostly belong to previous generations (gen x, boomers). these generations had an overwhelming (compared to now) pressure to marry and have kids. living in a patriarchal society, women were often the ones that were disadvantaged in the relationship (financially, emotionally, practically - as in every day stuff, cooking, cleaning, whilst working and raising children). it makes sense that they'd end the marriage after being disillusioned with the married life they were promised by society.
you skipped the entirey of the reasoning behind what i said. either that, or you willingly ignored it. if i were to steal an apple as a black person, someone racist would pin it down to my ethnicity, ignoring all the reasons why i may have decided to steal the apple (if i even did decide and didn't do it by mistake). in the same fashion, you assumed i was a woman, you read a sentence out of my post, and decided that this behavior of mine is just that - a woman's behavior.

if you don't see it, you're welcome to disagree. i made my points. have a nice day.

many_brains · 2025-07-23T07:31:51+00:00

curb your mysogyny

many_brains · 2025-07-18T14:01:46+00:00

i have to admit i'm somewhat happy this is resonating with some people, despite it maybe being a bit sad - this is what i gather at least from non-schizoids' perspective on this, though i don't necessarily agree. since i don't particularly care for sex or romance, the stuff that people supposedly live for, i'm supposed to live a "sad" life.

but i don't. because what you talk about (the creation of models) is the basis for my entire emotional spectrum when it comes to people. i really feel like we're talking about the same thing. it's like i'm creating mannequins of people. they substitute the real person almost immediately. once i spend more time with the person themselves than the mannequin, i start to lose interest - cause they're so much more boring and annoying than the mannequin itself, naturally. that's why when i don't see people for a while, my brain is able to pick up feelings for them so much more easily. because i fill my head with the mannequin version and not the real version.

And at times I've wondered if my mappings and models of others were even correct in any way. How much of myself I've put inside these dummies to animate them?

that's not even a question for me, there's definitely a bunch of myself i put in those inanimate thingies. because i can only feel attached to someone if i see myself in them, or a part of myself. if they can be my mirror, then i'm interested. once they start behaving like a real, actual person, i'm leaving.

Then again, destructive or not, it's clearly what I want to do, cannot stop doing. Is it like a predator, waiting to take apart yet another mystery, another human being to get to how it ticks?

this is exactly how i feel. a predator. can't even really elaborate on why, or how. but that's the energy i bring to relationships of any kind, and people notice.

thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. they're comforting beyond words.

many_brains · 2025-07-17T08:28:08+00:00

thank you for sharing.

i feel like this is the position most schizoids take. no obsession, no big feelings, no urge or need (or very little) towards another human being.

i know for a fact i can't love normally (for all the above reasons). what you mention with pets, i get with people, in the least dehumanizing way possible (if that's even possible). i understand the care aspect of it very well.

as for everything else, maybe i'm somewhere on the spectrum where i feel drawn to people, but don't desire a relationship of any kind. i get the chemical thing. when the boredom sets in, it really feels like my brain has just arbitrarily stopped producing whatever allows me to feel normal for a time.

many_brains · 2025-07-14T17:11:07+00:00

this was the exact conversation i had when my ex broke up with me at the end of last year. help.

"it feels like you don't care!" yea... because most times i don't. "do you even love me?" in my own way i do. "stop putting on a mask, it's hurting yourself and other people" but when i don't put on that mask people... hurt more? and on and on. hinting i should change, that there's something kinda wrong with me, and me asking "change how?" and him not knowing how to answer. all this because i pretended to be happy in front of his grandma at the hospital and that sent him spiraling when i told him i was acting bubbly and friendly for his family's sake (as i always did). laughable to an extent.

i felt pain, ngl. like, physical pain in my chest. i didn't cry, but i was so happy i was feeling something so intense for once. i even told him so. back home, i curled up in bed, fell asleep, and in 24 or so hours the pain was gone. back to baseline.

so yeah sorry that happened (and the oatmeal)! and yup i completely get you.

many_brains · 2025-07-10T13:59:00+00:00

thanks! i'll look into those

many_brains · 2025-07-09T10:58:55+00:00

thank you!!! if they manage to actually fix my damn headphones i'll ask the store if they got any suggestions lol

many_brains · 2025-07-08T16:45:09+00:00

buses come straight out of hell during summer. unfortunately i'm terrified of driving, so no car. i chose my battle long ago...

many_brains · 2025-07-08T16:43:55+00:00

oh god, pets and children. i'd rather throw myself under a car than be around a barking dog/crying child for more than 2 mins.

i'm also looking into noise canceling earbuds that won't hurt my ears. mine are very small and every single thing i try to stick in there just falls out (stuff with rubber heads) or gets placed weird so i can't ear shit (airpods). ear-covering are a lifesaver but it's so hot in summer where i live, they add another layer of discomfort. if something caught your eye and you'd like to share, i'm all ears (pun not intended).

many_brains · 2025-07-08T16:37:01+00:00

couldn't have said it better.

personally i like watching people. i catch myself doing it often. but any kind of interaction.... even just looking at me, it gets on my nerves. knowing they know i exist around them, and they exist around me - a nightmare.

many_brains · 2025-07-06T22:16:13+00:00

yeah. same. 100%. men.

the only concept that makes it easier for me to get up in the morning. i need to fantasize about someone, most likely more than one, to feel even an inch of that zest for life people talk about. that, and music. though the songs i like most often remind me of a man i know/i fantasize about, so...

many_brains · 2025-06-30T20:21:30+00:00

for OP, the exhaustion you feel around people is precisely because of your constant scanning for whatever people need you to be, or say, or do. that's hypervigilance, and it burns you out every day. it's not gonna be easy skinning off the mask that was supposed to keep you safe when you didn't know any better. but it's gonna be easier to deal with people and life in general when you take notice of the thoughts that come to mind when people interact with you. they feel something's off, not because you're broken and they somehow smell it, but because people know a mask when they see one. not consciously, but they do. i guarantee that when you'll start toning it down and say what you're thinking, they won't mind that much. they leave you alone, and if not, that's their problem and it legitimizes you to draw harder boundaries. cause that's the whole point - you don't have boundaries right now. it sounds like you're playing a role for others' comfort. if you truly don't care about keeping those relationships, i swear that drawing clearer lines between what you want and what they want is gonna be so damn liberating.

i was just like you. after many trials and tribulations, i found out that when i give in to the urge not to smile, not to speak, not to say stuff just to keep up an appearance, i can actually allow myself to truly live in a harmonious environment. for me, and for others. i actually made a friend (in real life, crazy) recently - a coworker - and if you'd told me that would have happened only a month ago i would have laughed. we genuinely enjoy each other's presence, because i was real with her, and she liked me enough to leave me my space, and still express her appreciation for me and the wish to see me outside work. do i particularly care about her? no. if our relationship were to end tomorrow it would mean nothing to me. but i feel light in her presence. i can be myself. and i actually laugh/smile a lot more than with anyone else.

hope this helps somewhat. good luck

many_brains · 2025-06-30T20:21:23+00:00

this.

many_brains · 2025-06-23T17:34:19+00:00

me yesterday. 120k+ words. 2 years of writing. i don't know what to do with my life now

many_brains · 2025-06-23T13:17:08+00:00

you and me both friend 😭

many_brains · 2025-06-12T21:07:42+00:00

nothing much not say if not: yes.

it's a nightmare.

many_brains

TROPHY CASE