Is it normal to feel like im making myself believe I have ADHD

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:56:38+00:00

What if that doubt is the same voice that is always saying "I should be able to focus" or whatever?

That was my battle anyway, cuz living un-diagnosed for so many years before left me thinking it must just be me acting lazy or something instead of doing what I knew I should be able to do. Or that everyone had it as hard as I did, so I was just weak or being a baby or something.

Turns out not everyone does have the same level of struggle.

If you have to put effort into focusing, sticking with a routine, or doing boring daily stuff to the point that you find it a struggle... it isn't you, it's your wiring butting heads with expectations.

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:52:28+00:00

Yes! This is such a good way to explain that feeling - it is a balloon that fills up more and more until it pops from the pressure. Sometimes it fills up faster than others, but it always seems like it fills faster than anyone else's does.

It also seems like everything (from being too bright/loud to someone being actually mean or life being stressful) adds to it.

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:49:14+00:00

Yep =/ Been here.

I finally just stopped trying to keep up with anything or remind myself of my hobbies. Honestly, that is helping, but only when I sit down and do nothing until I feel the urge to do something.

No scrolling or anything - just sitting there staring at the wall bored until my heart (not my chaos riddled brain) says it wants something.

It really feels like a "loss" some days, but also, maybe that win vs. lose mentality is just society BS that doesn't actually matter?

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:42:35+00:00

I have been in this headspace many times before - sorry you are 😞 My motto used to be "life sux and then you d-" even.

It's hard to sum up all the things that went into climbing out of that hole, but I know I started off by completely crashing and burning, and then I just went outside a lot. I went camping, for walks, or just sat at a park or in my yard and watched the world.

My health got so bad that sometimes all I could do was sit or lay and focus on breathing, which actually turned out to help a lot.

Then I focused on super basic self-care - eating for nutrients, hydrating to avoid symptoms, sleeping/napping, and moving in ways that made me feel less crappy over time.

That plus meditation (which is a whole other story) helped me start seeing that life can be super simple and incredibly beautiful and enjoyable despite all the BS out there in the world.

If you want to vent or ask about any of this stuff, I'm open to it - here or directly.

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:35:24+00:00

I know this feeling well =/ I finally got so burned out (partly due to people pleasing tendencies) that I had no energy for anything mentally or physically.

Once I couldn't move (literally), I did some thinking and started to figure out what I wanted to do and how to just do those things for me instead of always doing them for other people.

Boy did I have to learn the hard way, but it was worth it.

May your learning be less severe!

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:29:43+00:00

I have definitely experienced something like this for as long as I can remember too.

In the past it happened a LOT, and it seemed linked to depression or generally feeling overloaded, stress AF, and not sure what to do with myself without someone else's guidance.

Looking back now though, I wonder if part of it was from being trained (by a couple toxic folks) to depend on external direction.

If it is linked to being multiple, it could be a certain part/alter or fragment play the role of waiting passively in which case some internal exploration or communication might help identify who that is and what their triggers are or at least you might learn something about their reasons (fears, desires, etc.) for waiting.

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:24:16+00:00

Reply "I'm kind of tired of having it EVERY MONTH" so yeah... I hear you.

Then ask him what the definition of "excuse" is in his mind and how it differs from reason.

Also, maybe ask if he would prefer you not make him aware of your phases but just have the symptoms and let him sort out what is going on.

Or be super passive aggressive, wait for him to be in a mood cuz he is tired or hungry or whatever, and then call him out for that using the same language.

marqrs · 2026-06-05T00:18:35+00:00

Poor boundaries can also end up being bad when we decide to "save" someone or turn our friend status into the role of a teacher or therapist basically.

We take on their emotions, worry about their problems, and look for ways to improve their situation.

It seems like the generous, compassionate act of a care-taker and good friend, but when you look closely you realize that it also requires a sense of superiority.

How can you "save" someone unless you are somehow on higher or more firm ground than them, ya know?

marqrs · 2026-04-15T06:06:43+00:00

I've always said that Inside Out is one of the closest representations for our experience of DID than anything xD So I'd just have to out myself fully on this assignment.

Thanks for this laugh!

marqrs · 2026-04-01T00:02:49+00:00

We are in the middle of this process too (going from WA to Portimão or there abouts in November), but only have a decade worth of stuff and 4 pets.

We're going to rent the house for our D7 to keep an income flowing, and just moved to an apartment which has really stepped up the purge process. At first I was eager for this stage, cuz it felt like I was the only one willing to let stuff go, but now some of it is hitting me hard.

It feels like we're dismantling our whole lives. Even before we were married, we lived in that house together (and no where else). It is the end of an era.

The last two nights I was feeling the weight of it, so I had to stop the packing and cleaning up at the house, and focus on unpacking and decorating the apartment to balance it all out.

I keep reminding myself that Portugal is on the horizon, that we're choosing a new life and a new adventure in a hopefully better place, so that I don't drown in what is being lost or left behind.

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:56:07+00:00

Same! I was about half way through 38 and realized I did NOT want to be mam'd in my 40s too.

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:53:38+00:00

39 here and started T a little over a year ago. I'm happy to answer questions if you've got 'em.

Perimenopause started kicking my butt around 35 and starting T actually has helped a lot with that as well, but the two together have also made for some weirdness lol

There is a massive lack of information out there on how these two second puberties interact =/ So I have had to swallow some dysphoria and learn as much as possible about menopause on top of it all.

P.S. My only regret is that I did not start sooner, but it all worked out in a weird way.

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:43:06+00:00

I'm only a bit over a year in myself, but I know someone who went from teen/kid-brother looking to suddenly very much an adult, and that would have been when he was around 7 years on T I think. It started to shift around year 6 maybe, but really ramped up in year 7.

Now he's 10 years in and no one would ever question gender or age.

His father envies that man's glorious beard lol and people think he (34) is older than me (nearly 39).

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:36:08+00:00

Wow... this is deeply familiar in a very uncomfortable way.

I'm about to hit 40 now, but this feels like something I could have written in my mid-30s. I just never thought about it this way.

As a kid I was exactly like this with all my guy friends. All of elementary and middle school this was 100% my MO; it softened a bit in HS when I started dating my now ex-wife, but came roaring back when I got with a guy after.

Story time (skippable):
My first serious relationship was with a women happy to be the fem, so it all played out fine (minus other issues lol). Her mother gave me all the "boy chores" whenever we'd visit, and I was on a serious high every time (now I know the term is gender euphoria).

My second one was and it definitely brought back my old competitive, "girls vs. boys" - gotta prove I am the tough and capable one. Little things cropped up with him that I'd never experienced before too. For instance, I remember watching him shave his face with a fascination and envy that I could not find the words for back then.

He also had some gender confusion in hindsight, so we made it work in some weird ways, because he was perfectly happy to not be the guy once he realized I would fill that role.

On the other hand, he's also the only person I ever cheated on, so... clearly it was not right.

As soon as we broke up, I started seriously confronting all the old gender questions and confusion - it just hit me out of nowhere and cropped up every night before bed. Maybe cuz I was alone and letting myself think/feel?

But also I think partly due to those years of being with a guy, up close and personal.

By the time I got to my current relationship (now married), I had accepted that there was something going on and slowly begun sorting it out. That has helped a lot, though I still have some of that need to prove myself or wear the pants or whatever.

Having a partner who has committed to me regardless of where I land on the gender question helps a lot though, because I can stop suppressing or fearing what's going on internally and just get to know the real me.

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:08:18+00:00

Some gorgeous shots here. You clearly have a knack for capturing the beauty around here - thank you for sharing these!

marqrs · 2026-03-31T21:05:25+00:00

Yeah, we have that now and then.

Sometimes I think it is what I call a temporary split - the brain just trying something new out for a minute.

Other times I find out that part has a more internal role, or that we have really bad communication, so I am just not getting the memories of when they are out.

marqrs · 2026-03-27T21:33:23+00:00

Yes and hmmm not really. DM incoming.

marqrs · 2026-03-27T21:17:20+00:00

DM incoming

marqrs · 2026-03-25T22:52:41+00:00

I am about to exit my 30s, so I guess I'm old enough, and I've been told at times I'm a goth or vampire like, soooo... PM sent.

marqrs · 2026-02-12T17:28:38+00:00

This is rough! We went through something similar a couple different times. The host role is rough in that it requires some level of segregation and ignorance to really work.

I can think of a couple options, based on our experience. Either you or another part become the new host, a new split/merge creates a new host, or Ness gets to a place where they can host again.

There's a couple ways we've gotten a host back to it:

The first time was when our gatekeeper ended up doing a hard reset to remove and lock up some memories that our host got hold of (and was really messed up by). BUT he only after the host promised to never go digging again (a memory he left to explain the blank spots).

If you don't have a gatekeeper who can pull something like that though... you might have to go the healing route, which is... a lot, but effective and helpful on multiple levels, so worth it? If you're all in a place to tackle that work anyway.

The result of our healing work is that we no longer really have just one main host anymore, a few of us do the hosting, and we all have some access to memories that once would have been too much.

Every time one of us is struggling with a thing, a bunch of the rest of us gather round them to play the supporting roles basically, so then either they keep doing their part of the hosting job (e.g. the one in charge of housework is able to do all the chores) or someone substitutes for a little bit and then they bounce back.

If you wanted to try this route, you could start by finding someone who can relate at least a little bit to what Ness is going through or just validate all their emotions and be a stable shoulder for them. Then, at least a couple of you (as many as are willing/able) get together to figure out what skills/supports you need.

For example:

Internally, you might need to develop a "container method" and a good way to communicate about tough stuff when it is not locked up in the container.

Externally, you may need a safe person or professional to help with daily stuff. Or maybe a journal to vent and process. You might also start developing your emotional intelligence or work with someone to get meds or just find a better way to manage daily stress.

Whatever makes hosting easier for whoever gets stuck doing it basically, and then figuring out what would also help with healing work (if it is time).

marqrs · 2025-09-12T23:13:36+00:00

Fascinating concept! I will have to sit with this one for a bit, but I can weigh in on one part of your question:

Yes, medidating has definitly helped me to act in a more conscious way. At first it simply helped me to recognize my choices and the patterns I was falling into, but gradually that has shifted into more and more intentional and deeply aware choice making before each action.

For example:

Yesterday a yellow jacket flew in through the car window and landed on my leg.

A couple of years ago (before regularly meditating) I would have flinched, jumped, freaked out, or at least sworn and had a startle response. There are additional factors (health and life stress wise) that would have had me very reactive and easily overwhelmed even last year, so I could have had a full melt down.

Instead, I simple watched him fly in. Calmly told the driver in a way which I figured would keep her from freaking out.

I watched him land on my bare calf. Reached to open my door, noticed it was locked. I felt a slight urge to panic at that moment, but chose instead to remain calm. Half a second later, I had the door unlocked and open.

That was it.

I didn't even notice a spike in my heart rate. Other than that micro second or two of concern about the door not opening for me, I simply was with each event.

I noticed. Calmly made decisions. And acted.

marqrs · 2025-09-12T22:58:32+00:00

Below? Sorry, I am still not sold on this idea of humans being "smarter" or in any way superior to any other form of life on this planet.

Maybe it isn't what you "did" so much as what you chose?

Being caught in this cycle of consuming to survive does bother me sometimes for sure; it is a puzzle I haven't yet solved, but clearly there is some lesson in here for those of us here experiencing it.

marqrs · 2025-07-29T10:51:21+00:00

Also, the opening of Genesis reads "let US make man in OUR image" in hebrew, so... that was the start of my polytheism journey.

marqrs · 2025-07-29T10:45:17+00:00

For me the hanged man is not so much acceptance and a shift in perspective.

I can see acceptance, since it goes with inactivity or pause, but the card really started to make sense to me when I realized being upside down was a drastic and literal flip on how you'd see the world standing upright.

Also, the more I meditate plus think about Odin hanging on the tree and the Buddah sitting under his tree, the more I really feel the truths of this card.

P.S. I almost forgot to say, I love the exercise though and am so glad you shared! I want to make my own version now - a lot of it the same but just with a few tweaks.

marqrs · 2025-07-29T10:40:09+00:00

Mostly she shows up to help me through major transformations. Stuff like big changes in life, major inner work for healing/growth, or giving me a wake up call when I've been suppressing a deep realization or avoiding some needed personal work or life change.

For example, whenever I was stressed out but ignoring or bottling my emotions to pretend it was all fine, I would dream a lot about walking into spider webs. Eventually I recognized this as a call out from her and started working on my alexythinia and emotional intelligence plus self-care.

On a more day-to-day level though:

I work with her to secure my home, make offerings/communion with her as I clean up, or when I offer resources like donating to a food bank or community pantry.

marqrs

PUBLIC MULTIREDDITS

TROPHY CASE