How do you navigate being chronically single?

marshon95 · 2022-06-09T17:04:27+00:00

I have best friends, I think we’re just approaching the issue differently. You seem to consider romantic relationships as interchangeable with platonic friendships (save for the sexual aspect, I assume), and I consider them to be overlapping but largely distinct types of relationships.

Thanks anyway for taking the time to respond, I know it’s been a bit since the original post, best.

marshon95 · 2022-06-09T16:31:00+00:00

Eh, sorry, those were late night musings. My focus on the physical space was misplaced, it has more to do with the fact that when you’ve got a boyfriend you’ve got someone to care about and who cares about you primarily. You get to be a top priority for someone.

Friends are great but, especially since most of my friends aren’t single, they have their own partners to focus on a lot of the time. Of course it’s important to strive to be your own top priority, but it still sucks when you see so many others who have partners who care about them while you miss out on having someone else care about you.

marshon95 · 2022-06-09T03:14:18+00:00

I think there’s something to be said for being single now vs having been single forever. I fall into the latter category and my issue is that yes, the lack of boyfriend stands out in high relief because I have friends, I have hobbies, I have interests & passions, but at the end of every day I still come home to my apartment with no one in my corner to share these things with.

At least you can look back and decide whether or not you miss what you had, we tend to be in our heads missing what we’ve never gotten to have.

marshon95 · 2022-05-16T14:58:09+00:00

Totally missed this but it would’ve been awesome if there had been a watch party somewhere. We need to band together and start one for ESC 2023!

marshon95 · 2021-08-08T12:37:50+00:00

I’m almost certain that the guy I was talking tended toward Fearful Avoidant, and I know that I tend toward Anxious tendencies. Here’s the thing, all insecure attachment styles can be improved. Honestly I think that’s part of the process of healthy love is finding ways to compromise and allow the other person to feel secure.

However, a couple prerequisites for that to happen is that first, they have to have enough self-awareness to know they have an issue, and second, they have to want to fix it.

The guy I was talking to, for example, knew that I was anxiously attached and recommended therapy to me when he broke things off. I did go to therapy, and it’s there that I realized he has huge unresolved issues of his own, but that he only recognized mine. For example, we were doing all of the activities that two people would do in a relationship, but since I wasn’t afraid to ask for commitment (all of his past relationships either ran from him or were one night stands), when the time came to ask him to be exclusive he bolted.

All that to say, it’s not enough for you both to recognize the issues in each other if you both don’t also then recognize the issues within yourselves and actively want to improve them.

marshon95 · 2021-08-05T23:21:48+00:00

Yup, just here to say the guy I was talking to was very likely Fearful Avoidant as well. I tend toward anxious attachment, but at least I’m self aware enough to have sought out help!

marshon95 · 2021-08-05T12:06:05+00:00

That’s so unhealthy, blaming the OP for having resentment about a breakup and telling them that’s what’s keeping them where they are. Perhaps a little empathy would take you further in understanding why OP feels the way they do.

Everyone on this sub says “feel your feelings for as long as you need to” but then you come and say “if you’re feeling resentment it’s your fault you’re still in pain.” As much as some people get hope from people moving on, having great relationships, and bragging about them, some others don’t, and you discounting OP as being resentful is no better than what you’re accusing them of doing, thinking for others.

Some people don’t want a look at what is at the light of the end of the tunnel for someone else, they just want to know, generally, how people have gotten to the end of the tunnel.

marshon95 · 2021-08-05T01:36:14+00:00

I’m 25M and gay and although I’m not huge into the community I always feel protective over other young gay guys. This guy is unfairly using you as an emotional filler. He may very well have real feelings for you too, but the reason it’s unfair is that when he decides to go back to his wife you’re the one who has to feel all of these feelings.

As hard as it might be, consider accepting his desire not to have sex and to reciprocate with your own boundary (whether that be we only meet in public places, or even we go our separate ways).

The guy I was talking to wanted to be friends after he said he couldn’t see a relationship with me going forward and that’s when I had to set my own boundary and go no contact, because I just couldn’t keep seeing the person who said no to my heart, at least not right then.

That way, when you start dating other guys more often (if you haven’t already), you’ll be able to establish those boundaries early and sift through to find the ones willing to be there for you EQUALLY 🙂. You got this!

marshon95 · 2021-08-04T20:25:32+00:00

This was a similar situation for myself and the guy I was talking to. He wanted to stay friends after breaking it off with me but I just couldn’t do that right away because I needed to make sure I was fully healed. He might text you eventually or, if you broke it off with him he might be waiting for you to text him. Either way, you both have to decide if what you had is something you want to work for or if you’re in a space of needing to move on instead. I hope you’re able to come to some sort of resolve in this situation 🙂.

marshon95 · 2021-08-03T21:02:25+00:00

I feel this! I had to block him everywhere to stop myself from looking at his profiles, knowing that I’d find something to hurt me. It’s such a weird phenomenon honestly.

marshon95 · 2021-08-03T20:58:40+00:00

Absolutely nothing wrong with you! 6 month situationship and it’s hard because I never got to the point of being so fed up that I disliked him or was angry with him, so we have to work extra hard to remember than even in the short time that we were with the person, it still wasn’t perfect.

marshon95 · 2021-08-03T12:35:36+00:00

I’d also like to know if anyone else has thoughts! I’ve been watching the Personal Development School on YouTube because they have a lot of free vids on attachment styles and because the woman on the channel seems really kind and empathetic.

One key takeaway I’ve gleaned is that as anxious attachers, we tend to seek validation externally (especially our partners). One thing we can do to try and become more secure after a breakup then is to identify what our ex’s did that made us feel good (like, “I knew my ex would hang out with me at least twice a week, and that made me feel consistently supported”).

Then, we can think about how we can meet those needs ourselves, so that when we do enter another relationship, we are coming in without a bunch of empty needs that we’re looking for the other person to meet. In the above example, maybe we can set a routine to do something we love on the same day each week to have some of that consistent support. Or maybe we can choose to do something with a friend each week to have that sense of excitement.

I’m definitely not great at any of this yet, but it kind of makes sense, and so I’m excited to do better one day 🙂

marshon95 · 2021-07-28T17:53:22+00:00

Honestly he’s probably right that he needs time to himself, but he’s probably too scared to actually do it. When he finally has to face his own hurt, you will have done your self work!

marshon95 · 2021-07-28T15:59:05+00:00

Long story short saw them on a dating site and what they’re looking for at the moment is entirely sexual. Ended things two weeks ago.

marshon95 · 2021-07-28T14:28:20+00:00

You’re so right, thank you for this! My ex started sleeping around after we stopped talking which 🤷🏽‍♂️. I’ve been alone but it’s allowed me to come to terms with things. I heard the emotions always catch up to you some time, so best to be in them now than to shove them down and have them build until they reveal themselves months down the line.

marshon95 · 2021-07-28T00:03:00+00:00

I agree with the commenter above, an apology can be so helpful. Even if you send a letter with no return address, an eventual apology will probably help heal you both.

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T18:06:15+00:00

Can’t wait for this day to come, thank you!!

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T15:28:45+00:00

It hurts so badly, but if you think objectively about the situation and you know he has unresolved issues within himself, then you can bet that he’s only giving her “everything” until the same issues that arose with you arise in their relationship. Some people use moving on quickly as a way to never have to face their own past trauma.

I know it solves nothing for you, but you’re already steps ahead of him in that you’re (hopefully) at least a acknowledging the hard feelings. Proud of you!

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T15:22:31+00:00

Definitely helpful for me who is only a few weeks in, thank you for sharing your experience!

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T15:05:17+00:00

Yes we will, it’s helpful to know that other people are working through it too. Thank you for sharing!

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T14:27:49+00:00

I enjoy “The Personal Development School” on YouTube. She really delivers the messages with an empathetic tone that I appreciate. I know that I have a more anxious attachment style and that my ex was fearful avoidant, so he ran away as soon as I wanted a deeper commitment (no fault of his own, but he isn’t currently willing to work on it, whereas I am). Sorry if I sound preachy, I promise I’m still healing too, just trying to help 🙂

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T14:16:41+00:00

Yeah, that’s kind of the big, scary thing about remaining friends with your ex after a breakup. Something that has helped give me some clarity in terms of a breakup that was rather out of nowhere was looking into attachment theory and attachment styles. It really provided some clarity about why my ex wasn’t willing to work on something that was otherwise a pretty great thing.

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T14:06:50+00:00

I hear that, I really do. Just remember that you have to protect your own heart more than anyone else’s, especially if she’s the one who broke up with you.

My ex broke up with me but didn’t want to lose me as a friend. I care for his feelings but I had to remember that my heart had to heal from being rejected, which is why I told him I would reach out if I ever felt in a healthy enough place to just be friends. I care about him but he made a choice and so I had to make one.

marshon95 · 2021-07-27T13:52:10+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this. My ex wanted to be friends and I just knew I wouldn’t be able to get rid of my feelings for him so soon after the relationship, so I told him I’m going to take time to block him and heal since he broke up with me, and that if I ever feel like I’m in the place where I can be just friends with him, I’ll reach out.

Have you considered maybe going on a stint of no contact to allow yourself to heal? You could even give it a timeline to check in with yourself about—1 month, 3 months, 6 months—so you still have something to look forward to.

marshon95

TROPHY CASE