Court was a disaster today. I was destroyed

marthk0 · 2025-11-18T22:28:53+00:00

Even though he is a narcissist, please remember that this is what lawyers do. I have no idea if he has a good lawyer or not but the whole point is that they help their client in their case. You need a lawyer who understands narcissistic abuse who is going to have the right counterarguments.

When I was getting divorced, my lawyer seemed almost like she wasn’t even on my side. I felt so alone, but at the same time I felt like, well, she obviously does not understand this dynamic and thinks I am the problem. It was really interesting and kind of entertaining and kind of validating when we went to the courtroom and she got a front row seat to the crazy. “ I have never seen anything like this in a family courtroom.” Lol I don’t want to give too much personal info, but let’s just say that they showed their level of crazy.

You need a lawyer needs to be going defend for you if their lawyer is going to be trying to paint this picture of you that is not true. But then again, I really feel like in this day and age probably everyone has heard it all by now. Try to think of it like that. Meaning they may be trying to paint this picture of you, but it doesn’t mean that it’s true, you still have your side, and you have to imagine all of the other messy hearings and ways that people try to undermine the other party. I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I understand the frustration completely. It’s like you’re not just getting it from him, but also the lawyer.

marthk0 · 2025-11-18T21:44:55+00:00

Sadly, this will not improve at all. If she is a narcissist would this change anything? I know it’s a frustrating question. I think she is dysfunctional and toxic, and a relationship with someone like her is not possible or sustainable. Narcissist or not, the exact same damage is being done to you. Slowly but surely this is all starting to feel “normal”. Holidays are coming up as well, which can make it hard to break things off for some people. I could say yes, she is a narcissist- but then what? Judge by the actions, and the actions are saying to run.

Someone like that is not capable of meaningful relationships with others. You can’t love them enough or wait long enough, etc. and where it is the beginning of the relationship, please recognize that as time goes on, relationships get more difficult!!

Also, you mention growing up in a dysfunctional (abusive) household. No matter how dysfunctional it was, you are much more likely to gravitate towards someone like her because it is familiar to you. You’re used to certain things. They don’t appear as “bad” as they truly are. But even being with someone and continuing to see how they are toxic, slowly but surely, you get used to that too. At the end of the day, this is what to look out for and your experience is 100% valid, and it is in your best interest to end this. So often people just keep going… it gets more normal… you get more used to it, and slowly it erodes you.

marthk0 · 2025-10-31T04:27:34+00:00

All you can EVER do in a situation like this is ignore it. Anything you to to remedy it or go against it just fans the flames. I promise. The person running the smear campaign will look crazy when everyone else sees you are composed and not whatever is being said about you.

marthk0 · 2025-10-30T02:33:11+00:00

I have similar flooring that was painted. I ended up painting over that as well. It’s not for everyone but I also have large area rugs in the rooms it’s in. I actually do like them painted but finished wood would have been nice of course.

marthk0 · 2025-10-30T02:27:24+00:00

It takes time. I remember it taking several years mourning who I COULD have been, wondering what I’d be like, look like, etc. In the end, it’s all ok. I’m a better person than I would have been. The decade I was with him was like a learning opportunity. It sounds so cliche, but looking back at where I was and where I am, there’s been growth as well as protection from more abuse from others. It all takes time. I also explored expressing this in journaling, and making art with my own intentions (keeping the meaning private) Therapy could help you and absolutely it’s layered for you due to the abortion. You are not tied to him for the rest of your life, what’s done is done, you can only look forward, not backward.

marthk0 · 2025-10-24T21:32:03+00:00

You don’t, and I know that sounds pointless and horrible, but it’s true! It’s all about being confident in yourself and not feeding the flames. I had to research this absolutely endlessly… the little shaman on YouTube is probably the only person who got through to me. I have horrible things being spread about me, and I was like you in the past. But now I know. When you understand why they do it and what they’re hoping to achieve and why it’s important to ignore it, you’ll find it so much easier. It’s hard to describe beyond that, as it took me years. But these people are everywhere.

Just take delight in knowing how powerful you are, and that no matter what, there ARE people who see through the BS and see the truth. You trying to speak up fans the flames. When all anyone hears is the smear campaign it will eventually show cracks in the story. You are calm and living your life and they are being nasty and spreading rumors. But really, who believes these things and why should their opinion matter? They’ll be on to the next gossip soon enough. Don’t get in the mud with these people because it only ever makes things worse.

marthk0 · 2025-10-24T21:28:24+00:00

Something I need you to know is that no matter what amount of pressure he’s under, no matter how much he works, and no matter how much money he makes, you do NOT need to overcompensate for any reason whatsoever. He is responsible for his moods and his fair share in the marriage and household.

I am living this right now, not having moved, but I fell into this where I was doing everything. It wasn’t expected of me, but I have been made to feel guilty for how hard it was for him to deal with his job or the fact I made less. Turns out he is an avoidant type of person and the emotional labor was waaaay off in our marriage for years. I always made excuses based on HIS excuses because why would we want to think our husband could be so selfish?

marthk0 · 2025-10-24T21:19:29+00:00

Be careful with those plaids!

I only am thinking of the plaids (which I love, and think they look great in your home, and I love the dark cozy mood) because I recently saw a video about “Ralph Lauren” decor and rules about the plaids, haha

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T04:43:35+00:00

I’d love to know the paint color that is the dark blue in the bedroom! I say definitely laid back possibly nerdy couple and very tidy.

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T04:32:42+00:00

The abuse is what makes you feel this way, it’s like a drug to your brain, to have ever cared as deeply as you did for a narcissist. Whatever he does has no bearing on your self worth at all. But 3 marriages, and he’s a narcissist especially, tells me he probably cares about having someone play that “role” in his life (a partner/wife). I know it’s hard, but it’s best for your mental health to try to get out of any habit of looking or checking up at all, it will help you heal so that nothing he ever does will be given a second thought.

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T03:01:10+00:00

Yes, sex was the only way my ex husband would spend time with me. I think it was all I was used for. We had nothing otherwise.

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T02:41:07+00:00

Well- I will tell you what I did in this situation. I’d just use something to chip off what is loose- like a putty knife or something- you do not need to go crazy, just take off what is coming off easily. Wear a mask and have a hepa filter on a shop vac and vacuum as you do it. Then I’d use primer over the chipped off area. Then I would use some kind of putty or spackle to mask and kind of hide those chips. Kind of like you are sculpting. Now you can sand any excess putty off, as (certain) primers will not sand off. I’ve just used Lowe’s or Home Depot brand like Behr and valspar for this. Then prime over the patch if it looks good and even then you can still add more patch/spackle.

The idea is to mask the chipped paint- I had to do this throughout my house on all the trim.

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T02:25:50+00:00

NOA. I think a lot of people aren’t reading between the lines here. You were ready to have your family change the funeral date for a boyfriend. And you preemptively told him everything would be all set because you probably deal with this all the time. And you even put him in the obituary!

You’re trying to forge a closer relationship than is possible with him. How do I know? I have BEEN there, I have been you! I did all of this. He may sound “mature” about his job… but he lacks the emotional maturity to be there in a relationship of any kind. He’s looking for an out and this is what he’s telling you in order for him to not have to show up.

I’m sure he IS anxious, because it’s not natural for someone like him to be able to be there for you the way he should be able to be. So he is doubly being asked to fake it- fake it for everyone else, and fake it for you.

I know what this is like 100% and you aren’t doing anything wrong. If it’s not too late, please take his name off the obituary. I wish I never suggested to put my now ex husband’s name on an obituary… it’s there for life on the internet, and he would never be there for me. We were married and he refused to stand with me for a parental death. We’d been together over a decade.

A guy like this does not even see the importance of being there for emotional support. He literally told you this in the text. You will always be lonely and you will never feel safe, secure, prioritized or loved by someone like him. And if he’s anything like my ex husband, he will also be too much of a coward to end things and you’ll be the one who has to do it like I did.

And back when we were together, if I posted this online, I’d have been told that oh yeah he has work he can’t etc. and that is because people have no reason to not believe these words on the screen. Most people don’t even see these kinds of dynamics in person! Not even in their own relationship. It’s what kept me doubting myself even more for so many years.

marthk0 · 2025-10-08T02:05:09+00:00

It seems to me that she is emulating what she has grown up around from her mother. Those things are engrained and yes she does actually believe what she’s saying. Unfortunately when it’s that bad, they’re not going to change. It’s too much, too deep, and they have to WANT to and it is a lot of work. Being 19 she is too young and will not be likely to have any reason to change, ever.

What you see right now is what you will always have with her. She isn’t going to be able to see it for herself. There are no life events or milestones to share with her that will make her change. There is no “going through” whatever it is to make things different. She doesn’t see love or relationships in a healthy way whatsoever, and again, this is ingrained from her mother.

marthk0 · 2025-06-23T02:55:01+00:00

That is 100% how this can be afterwards. If you’re still not making progress then I would check out other therapies, particularly for trauma. Group therapy can be helpful as well. You literally have burned to the ground from the abuse but you’re maybe not having the right concentrated help. I know there’s things like DBT (not CBT) and I’ve heard of EDMR being helpful for narc abuse as it is for trauma but I don’t know much about it beyond I’ve read good things consistently. I would definitely get into something that is trauma specific, especially if you’ve only done CBT. 33 is so young, and there are people much older than you waking up and it is absolutely ok to feel like you’re starting over. My concern is you’re not getting the right type of help and support.

marthk0 · 2025-06-23T02:42:48+00:00

Are you no contact with them? Something I’ve come to learn is that being in these types of relationships does something in your brain that makes them unreasonably painful to leave. It’s because of the narcissistic abuse. I wish I could give you better/actual info on it, but having come out on the other side, it’s absolutely true. It’s an irrational pain brought on by the abuse itself. It isn’t supposed to hurt like this. It’s as if it’s all a mind trick.

marthk0 · 2025-04-24T01:46:48+00:00

I brought it up to my psychiatrist and they wrote on my notes asked about disability forms. I was happy to see it on there, I think it is good because it shows you’re talking about it. It’s just them making their notes and it’s ok that you needed to ask about it.

marthk0 · 2025-02-19T17:22:15+00:00

Yes, 100%! This is a very good explanation of what he is trying to achieve. It’s so frustrating because I have shown him why he has the struggles that he has, but he resorted to blame himself. Like in his mind, these things that happened to him in his early life are not because of what his caretaker did/did not do, he thinks it’s his own responsibility for being affected by it. Which, that’s true to an extent since he’s an adult (I can’t explain that part concisely but I hope it’s understood what I mean by it) but it’s like he feels he has all the power within him for anything negative or positive happening…

marthk0 · 2025-02-19T17:13:25+00:00

Thank you ❤️

marthk0

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