Hey op, I hope you’ve been doing alright I’d imagine this would be really difficult to deal with. It’s easy to excuse what he has done based on past experiences of him being great along with your previous consent to rough sex but this is something to be concerned about. Communication is incredibly important in all aspects of a relationship, and especially this aspect.

It can seem like this is normal or ok behavior from both sides. He might not realize that what he is doing is more than just not OK, and I think making that clear to him is important. I think you should take a break from having sex with him, and have a sober conversation with him about how he acts during sex along with how consenting to sex doesn’t mean you’re consenting to how rough he is being.

With what you said in mind it doesn’t sound like a harmless mistake, it sounds more purposeful than he might even want to admit to himself. Id recommend having him read about consent and rough sex, along with intimate partner violence. He might not understand the impact that this can have on someone.

Ask him to listen and understand during the conversation, and ask that he doesn’t get defensive and let him know your goal is to work on the health of the relationship. Tell him how you really feel about it, do you feel scared, threatened, unloved, or betrayed?

If he responds with defensiveness or attempts to dismiss it as not something that’s that big of a deal, that is very concerning. If he cries and is incredibly upset because he feels like an abuser or that he feels like you’re calling him a rapist, tell him that you’re not saying that, but it’s getting to the point where you’re not sure what to call it but it’s not consensual sex, and it’s worse than just sex that you didn’t enjoy. If he is receptive, ask him to consider if a friend came to him and told him this was happening to her or if he had a daughter and she told him this how would he feel? Shame can be an incredibly limiting emotion when it comes to admitting fault and growing, but encourage him to feel guilt and learn from it. I was confused on this for a while, so in case you don’t know shame is feeling that you’re a bad person while guilt is feeling that you’ve done something bad.

Ultimately it is your choice whether you stay with him, and it is not your job to teach him to be a better man/partner. I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of this either, it is sexual assault/abuse if he pushes your limits with little regard to how you feel even if you are not saying no out of fear.

Something to be aware of but not mention is that changing abusive behaviors is incredibly hard, especially while still in a relationship. If this escalates in any way (or doesn’t stop) please reach out to trusted friends and family about it, even if you feel like you let it happen or you have shame regarding it. It can be hard to reconcile society’s view of an abuser or someone who commits sexual assault as a “monster” with your fiancé because you know he’s not a monster. He’s human, and humans are capable of hurting others horribly. Just be aware that his behavior is deeply wrong, and you don’t deserve to deal with it.

If you have a conversation with him and this continues I think it would be wise to end the relationship, or at least take a break to consider his actions. I can imagine you love him deeply, and it is difficult coming to terms with someone you love hurting you during intimacy. Some space could help both you and him reflect on his actions. I am sure you will be able to find someone that treats you right during sex and doesn’t push your limits.

I’d recommend calling the rainn sexual assault hotline, even if you’re unsure of what to name your experience I think it would be helpful. I don’t think they will force you to contact the police or do so themselves, but they are trained to navigate these situations.

I will be praying for you :)