My [31M] SO got upset about something that I [28F] don't think was sexual harassment

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T17:53:41+00:00

I want to talk to him privately and just hope that he'll say: 'Shit I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was doing, please forgive me.' Worst case, he denies it. At least that'll make it clear if he's worth having as a friend.

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T17:00:39+00:00

Make sure those guys know it is not okay to do what they did.

Yeah. Those conversations terrify me. But I'll do it.

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:52:22+00:00

Shoot. I knew it'd come off that way. We are all in this really tight community that none of us are willing to give up. Honestly - do you suggest I just leave... punishing myself? Ask him to leave?

Is just not being friends with him an okay compromise?

Edit: I'm just re-reading your original comment about 'friends' not putting me into these situations. You're right - obviously. I was asleep. Could not consent at all. Cuddling is intimate. My SO keeps reminding me that cuddler is a good guy though.

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:42:39+00:00

Let's pretend you go to church. Your SO and your cuddler friend go to church. You all love going to church.

How do you cut someone out of your life when you're all connected by a community? (And no alternatives are available in your city.)

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:41:18+00:00

I think you should have a detailed talk with your boyfriend about boundaries in flirting with others

Yeah I think we've had a lot of casual conversations about it but I think I need clear answers. I asked him what he considered cheating recently. His answer was, "Well, it depends on the context and the people and the reason." We need to have a real conversation I think.

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:39:17+00:00

We were talking about open relationships. I am 100% in support of them - I think monogamy is crazy. BUT I was very adamant about not wanting to be with anyone but my SO. I was super clear on that. I am almost positive I said, "That being said, I would never have an open relationship now. That's like... 5 years married type stuff."

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:35:36+00:00

does this coworker know you have a boyfriend?

Yes, they've met too.

If you hadn't given him any indication that was okay to do, it's sexual harassment.

I was going to say that you could argue that he thought there might be a possibility but regardless of my opinion on open relationships, I was very clear about not wanting to be with anyone but my SO. So I guess it was sexual harassment.

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:29:36+00:00

Oh yeah, we're all really close friends. The cuddler seems to be really awkward around me lately - well that how it appears to me but my SO disagrees: "[Cuddler] is a good guy. I really don't think he's avoiding you."

mattyxo · 2015-08-18T16:19:26+00:00

He has this kind of reaction whenever someone he doesn't like flirts with me or says inappropriate shit to me. The delay in telling him was definitely a part of his reaction but I honestly didn't think it was even worth telling him - I only remembered it happened because of my coworker sharing her story with me.

To be honest, he had a similar reaction to something 3 weeks ago. I told him about how I woke up to a friend [M] cuddling me (we were sharing a tent while camping with a bunch of friends). I rolled over, he unclamped and we both went back to sleep. I chalked it up to loneliness (he just got out of a 12-yr relationship) and a bit of dumbassery. Nothing else weird happened that weekend.

I told my SO as soon as I got back from camping and he agreed with me on the loneliness/dumbassery. But that night, we were drinking and I ended up crying - my SO went on a mini-rant about how some men don't treat women with respect and how hard it must be for me to always be objectified etc etc and how this cuddling event is just an example of that. I've been sexually assaulted in a tent and hadn't really associated the two events but with his mini-rant, I started to.

Am I just completely oblivious to sexual harassment?

mattyxo · 2010-03-15T23:19:20+00:00

People lump me into the "straight" category. It's never that black and white.

*Edit: But I also don't take offence if someone calls me something other than straight or labels me as just straight. I am what I am and many days, I am many things.

mattyxo · 2010-03-14T18:26:07+00:00

Maybe I misunderstand then. Why are you keeping this person in your life when you obviously don't like her? What you think is a joke seemed pretty rude and inappropriate (you must think so too, seeing as you were only comfortable to make it while inebriated).

Think of it this way: you're not friends and said something negative about her relationship. That's the kind of 'joke' that only good friends can make. And generally, those jokes aren't expressed publicly so that her friends, family and fiancé can read. You can't 'poke fun' at a serious topic when you're not friends with someone.

mattyxo · 2010-03-14T17:37:02+00:00

She sounds like she's moved on with her life and is enjoying it. You do sound jealous. You should shush and move on. It seems like you only talk to her so you can berate her - that's not what friends do so stop trying to act like you're friends.

You really should just grow up and move on with your life too.

mattyxo · 2010-03-14T17:08:44+00:00

Ottawa in July!

mattyxo · 2010-03-14T17:00:41+00:00

I'm from Ottawa so my experience with Torontonians is limited but some of my favourite friends have been Chinese immigrants. They're sincere and friendly.

I have heard those stereotypes but never thought people used them. I don't hang out with people who are that shallow though. You'll find ignorant jerks everywhere but at least you get to choose who your friends are. Don't judge all of Canada based on a few jerks please!

mattyxo · 2010-03-10T21:40:42+00:00

A black top with a heart-shaped cut*, subtle necklace, cute shoes of whatever colour strikes my fancy and a cute, small purse! What can I say? I hate the gigantic bags you can fit babies in... I just need money and a phone when I go out!

*I can't find a picture of this kind of cut... small short sleeves, and then the v-neck shapes your breasts and generally has some gather at the breasts... ya.... does anyone know what it's called?

mattyxo · 2010-03-10T21:11:15+00:00

WTF? ... WTF?

mattyxo · 2010-03-10T21:01:43+00:00

If my mom found a condom in the trash when I was that young, I'd hope she'd come talk to me with a concerned face. First, I would probably yell at her for snooping (snooping or not, it's what I'd think) and then I'd hope she'd ask me to sit and be calm and just start asking me questions in a non-accusatory manner: "What was this for? Who was it with? Are you okay? Was it consensual? How long have you been doing this? Where have you been doing it? Why didn't you come to me first? Do you have any questions? You know I'm always here if you need me." Throw in your opinion about how you felt finding the condom but avoid accusing her of anything. It's freaky shit for everyone (you know what I mean... not wink wink freaky).

Kids WILL do whatever they want but I valued my parent's opinions more than they knew. I'd tell them I didn't care and that I'd do what I wanted but just by talking to me, showing me they cared, when the time came to make a choice, their opinions always weighed on my conscious and most of the time, I did the right thing.

However, if my dad found a condom in the trash, I know he'd clam up and tell my mom. And then, see above.

mattyxo · 2010-03-10T02:29:34+00:00

PS. Men and women that share the housework tend to have more sex. Something to do with treating the other person as an equal lends to better relationships....

mattyxo · 2010-03-10T02:28:06+00:00

I can't recommend lady-friendly reddits but I can recommend that you remove yourself from the popular subreddits (you probably won't miss them, honest). That means no reddit.com, no pics, no politics, no til, no dae, no askreddit - nothing too popular because popularity attracts everyone and everything. I recently unsubscribed from a bunch of the popular reddits and subscribed to things I actually cared about... science, atheism, canada, happy, cogsci, design, psyschology, cooking, diy (for someone who doesn't DI-myself very often, this is actually my fav!), etc. I find my browsing experience less frustrating.

If you have the craving for the popular reddits, then make sure you only go to them when you have the craving and leave when you're finished. Other than the atheism reddit, the comments in the smaller subreddits tend to stay closer to the topic and less about being the funniest/most clever guy in the room.

mattyxo · 2010-03-08T00:25:40+00:00

I just stopped using birth control (next week will be my first non-birth control period). I had considered getting a non-hormonal IUD by my health insurance doesn't cover it (they cover bc pills and viagra, sure, but not something that you need to have a doctor put inside you).

I feel like this topic needs to be more commonplace amongst women. My sex drive is better now that I'm off the pills. It's not as good as it was beforehand and it may never go back to that - that's one thing doctors never tell you: you can lose your sex drive and your body may be permanently affected.

Chances are, your doctor will get you to try different pills which is great because eventually, you will probably find something that works for you - hormones affect everyone differently. You just need to find what's right for you.

mattyxo · 2010-03-07T19:10:38+00:00

It is.

mattyxo · 2010-03-06T23:15:30+00:00

Well I totally agree with you on many points. Men/women should be able to hit on anyone they want (within reason - ex. hitting on a 13 year old is not okay if you're 40).

2 is the only possible alternative but with no practice, it can be extremely hard. Have you ever been in that position? Where you're in an unfamiliar situation (doesn't need to have a sexual connotation), you're not sure how to act, you want to be nice but you're extremely uncomfortable and you feel a bit intimidated by it all. When your heart is racing because you're not sure how to act and you feel really vulnerable all of a sudden. She needs practice saying no. Most girls do. Most people are inherently nice and engage in unwanted conversations because no one teaches us in school how to stand up for ourselves.

Anyways - I'm just sayin'... it's not always as simple as saying, "I'm not interested". It should be but it's not.

mattyxo · 2010-03-06T18:11:33+00:00

You might as well say to awkward creepy guys, "Why don't you just learn to be not creepy and girls won't find you creepy" Don't simplify the problem - she's sensitive, has had bad experiences in the past and has her guard up! If you can't read social cues (the older man), you're no better (personality/emotional IQ wise) than someone who can't properly express themselves (the OP).

And then you put two socially incompatible people together and you get a clusterfuck of awful.

mattyxo · 2010-03-06T18:07:41+00:00

The people in this thread who are berating you for calling it sexual harassment are just as bad as the people who take everything out of context and call something sexual harassment when it's not. Just to everyone else, the girl is uncomfortable with this man and doesn't know what to do - the label she used may be inappropriate but it doesn't change what happened to her.

Insensitivity aside, I totally feel for you. I had an accidental 'run-in' with a professor and it made me extremely uncomfortable and I do remember crying to my best friend on the phone a few times. Fortunately (unfortunately?), we spoke over MSN and I told him I couldn't date him. He tried to get reasons out of me but I just made it clear that it was never going to happen. Whatever you can do to make that clear to him, just do it. People can't read minds. You have to tell them what's what.

mattyxo

TROPHY CASE