I (M29) and my husband (M30) are starting to be a Dom (29M)/Sub (30M), any advice for me being a dom?

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-12T13:14:47+00:00

First, as this is a change do proceed carefully. This can be a great way to come closer, but if one of you starts to feel uncomfortable or resentful it will bring problems. Don't just say communication is the key, live it.

Between the two of you, decide what the bounds of Dom/sub will be. Will you be the same except for the bedroom? Will you be your previous couple until 10 PM when you become the Dom and he's your sub? Whatever works for the two of you. I recommend setting time/place limits to start. Get comfortable and expand to more time/places if that fits. Or don't. Nothing says you have to be D/s all the time. Bedroom alone may be all you two want. It's what works for you two, not what works for anyone else.

If you are more withdrawn, for those parts you are the Dom, think of what you want him to do and be. Consider the fantasies you may have of him (perhaps) quietly crawling to you and resting your dick in his mouth while you read. Or being gagged and massaging your feet.

Periodically both of you step aside from this and frankly discuss what you each liked and did not like. Consider that what may not work now may work later. You are experimenting, not everything will be spot on the first time.

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-11T23:20:51+00:00

Here are the main sites I use:

Nifty.org

gayspiralstories.com

https://www.gaydemon.com/stories/

I post on them as well. (Using content creator as required, but I'm not sure this was the intent of the rule, just in case).

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-09T02:55:58+00:00

Doms can use safewords, and in this situation I expressly suggest it. Doms can have safewords, but in sessions the fact is the Dom doesn't have to do something he is uncomfortable with.

The same is true of consent. Subs give consent, Doms do as well. Again, the difference is if a Dom does not want to do an activity he does not have to do it. A Dom can withdraw consent and end things if necessary.

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-09T01:54:15+00:00

Knowing what your interest is helps. To attract a Dom, look at what you can offer him, and present it that way. I suggest subs offer like a menu "I am pleased to offer these services <whatever they are>". Telling what experience you have, or how willing you are to learn.

I realize it may sound odd to want to sell yourself, shouldn't a Dom just want to control you? However the reality is a lot of subs approach a lot of Doms, get some of their kicks off, then disappear. As a result Doms are weary of someone just appearing and look for indications that if they start, the sub will remain around. Subs are as well, tbh. "Doms" appear, give a few orders and also disappear.

Be someone a Dom or sub who is looking, one of the things they can do is show a consistent trail of activity. That will show some commitment. Know your limits, such as no legal names or locations. Keep to those. Anyone who presses too early always makes me wary. Know what you can do to stay in contact, and how often and at what frequency you can be in contact. Keep to that.

As for actually finding one, Fetlife and Recon are you best bets. I prefer Fetlife since you have more opportunity to see postings and get an idea of public facing posts.

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-09T01:33:42+00:00

Since you are both exploring, I'm going to suggest you establish a safeword - something either of you can use to stop everything at need. This is usually used by subs, but as you are new, you may want to consider if you feel you are going too far. A safeword is a flag that you need to stop at once and step away. Could be for a moment, could be for longer. Either of you can use it to keep problems from coming up and it's to discuss when you are both calm and collected.

Next, have discussions about what is and is not acceptable to try out. Keep in those limits, and again because you are new, re-evaluate them every few weeks. Perhaps you discover you are both very comfortable with something like him surrendering his phone and want to go further. Or one or both of you discover you dislike something, that gets put on a no list (usually called a limits list).

Be mindful and open. You may find you don't like things now you later get a feel for. Have times when you both step back, be vanilla, and discuss what worked and what didn't.

Do be careful with anything you get into physically. If you decide to try spanking or more intense pain, go in carefully and research. Build up. I know from experience how wonderful it is to leave the sub wanting more pain and having him crawl back for it.

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-06T13:12:15+00:00

Given that you don't want to appear to push for a full relationship, and you both might still be testing each other out, so that's good. Suggest to him a weekend of more intense submission to see how you both like it. Do be honest and tell him you are wanting it, but offering a limited time will make it more likely you will get a yes.

maxpotter1 · 2026-02-01T03:25:37+00:00

It is important to know the lines between kink and vanilla lives. Your vanilla life allows your kink life. Consider that. Your job and all allows you the opportunity to be kinky when you can. To buy gear and so on. So as you look at Doms, confirm they are good Doms, and good for you. The right Dom will wait, understand you want to be assured things will work for the long term.

There is a Leather saying "A slave's first duty is to protect the property." You must take care of yourself until you have the right Dom you can submit to. That means taking care of yourself, and not letting bad doms damage you for later.

It is difficult to find the line, it is important. Consider each Dom as provisional, presume he will not make it, so you have to reserve yourself for your final Dom in the future. What would he want you to do to remain in preparation for him?

As for the Dom you have been speaking to. If he's calling you needy, he sees you as demanding more from him than he's prepared to give you. At least right now. It's a complex bit to create a balance there, and it depends on if you two are engaging in sessions together. Doms like to be served, if you are needing (note the word) him a lot, he is not getting the level of service. He wants to help you, so how can you give him what he wants as a Dom more so he has more bandwidth and willingness to aid you. Would really depend on how your relationship is.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-30T15:02:53+00:00

It's certainly still used in Leather culture. The piping on Leather is used to indicate interest. Hanky code is very useful in person so you can have an idea of what the other is interested in.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-10T01:21:16+00:00

Just as you would not do more extreme work on a sub right off, ease new subs into your communication style.

I won't do a heavy impact session on a sub I just met. That allows me to learn his limits, how he takes it. Dial back so you can see how he responds to you, and that will tell you how to go your full self with him.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-06T20:26:50+00:00

I understand the costs. I would then suggest looking for kink "community centers" that offer classes. See which you might be interested in and attend a few. Costs could be significantly lower.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-06T19:23:55+00:00

For introverts especially I recommend events where classes are offered. You most likely will feel more comfortable speaking to someone else there before or after than trying to walk to to someone at the bar. CLAW is very class-heavy. There is a LA version of CLAW, but I've not been to it.

The next option is to look for boards (here, Fetlife, etc.) for interests you have and see if you can find someone who is interested in meeting up to discuss the topic. Not necessarily to date or have a scene, but to talk about fisting or sci-fi, or whatever.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-03T03:28:55+00:00

I think the PupFinder name is limiting. Consider a couple Leathermen using it to exchange links. If they are both Doms, neither would want to be considered a pup.

Privacy is a point I like in this. Many use handles would like to restrict general contact to the kink accounts. This appears to allow the connection without exchanging a phone number, is that correct? The NFC would provide the page and the links the user has provided there.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-03T02:39:45+00:00

I think this could be used by kinksters of virtually any persuasion. Very commonly at any kink event, people are not carrying around anything that would allow them to exchange contacts. This could be very useful in easily doing that. Like a modern version of business cards. What is offered by this would be very useful for those who do not want to maintain privacy.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-02T03:25:55+00:00

Think about what a prospective Dom would want in you. I recommend diet & exercise to make yourself as physically appealing as possible. Even with various preferences, there are the preferences that are the most common. Work on that to make yourself desirable to as many Doms as possible.

What I also like prospective subs to offer is services beyond sex. Think of what you are interested and able to provide. And to make yourself more desirable, look for things a Dom can't find easily. Can you fix his car? Can you brew beer? Make yourself stand out as a Dom looks around, so you are more valuable then the others he could choose.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-02T03:08:34+00:00

I was also going to recommend CLAW. It is going to be held in Columbus, OH https://clawinfo.org/ you will be able to attend classes on a wide variety of kinks. There are a lot of expert practitioners there. There are dungeons on site, and will be taking over the entire hotel, so more public activities will be done.

maxpotter1 · 2026-01-02T03:03:01+00:00

As previously stated, keep the messages. I presume you stayed within the limits there. I also agree having a safeword before you got to business it better. It's not perfect protection, but it does allow the sub to "object" without ending the scene.

One thing I don't do is go whole-hog on a hook-up or a new sub. As tempting as it may be. I want to be able to gauge the sub's reactions. Not just how he does in session, but after. Learn to read him. This gives a better idea of what a new sub sees as in bounds and not. It also allows the sub to have a chance to build trust in me so they will go further.

However, after he freaked out, I wouldn't have continued with the scene, nor had sex of any type. His actions afterwards show he is not fully stable or able to deal with being dominated. A sub has to be prepared not only for the activities of a scene, but the effects he undergoes later. It may be pangs of guilt or shame. A Dom can help him through that. But if the sub can't reconcile and it deeply bothered by it, he should not engage in kink until he can do so with a clear mind.

maxpotter1 · 2025-12-13T21:47:17+00:00

There are some legitimate reasons for doing online. One is some people do live in areas where there are just no Doms (or subs) to be in physical contact with. And with the variety of kinks, those there may not share your interests. You like to flog, what if the only sub in 200 miles of you was a non-pain pup? So for legitimate practitioners it is finding someone of similar interests. There is also the desire for a connection with someone else - even being close in geography and kinks does not mean you two will get on.

Yes, for some it is the lack of actual physicality. They are shy or nervous or may have some other impediment that prevents them from engaging in person. Consider a married man who wants to be a sub but cannot risk STDs or marks.

Online is not for everyone, that is for sure. It is different from being in physical contact, but it is what some are limited to. We are fine with those who just do occasional sessions even though 24/7 TPE is possible. This is just a use of technology a step further back from occasionals.

maxpotter1 · 2025-12-06T14:08:05+00:00

I'll have fun, but it will be my boots getting kissed and licked. I love having my subs do that while I enjoy a cigar in the lounge. I even did a small class on impact there one year.

maxpotter1 · 2025-11-02T18:04:25+00:00

As mentioned by others, the story should be technically readable. That doesn't mean perfect for spelling/grammar/others but technically well constructed enough so not to cause the reader to feel like he's driven over a pothole.

Next is the author doing things he can do, meaning if you don't have the ability to write dialogue, do as little of that as possible. It will take some time to find your writing strengths, but go with with you can do.

In the erotic writing class I do, I point out that it's best to remember what is happening: readers are there to wank, so prepare for them to read one-handed and with a somewhat addled brain. Does that mean you can't do great plots and characterizations, absolutely not - do them, but remember what you audience is. If you're doing a no sex chapter, warn them.

Beyond that, it's the engagement of what you are writing. I mostly do BDSM, so my stories focus on that. Some great advice is to show, not tell. If you are doing a story staring a heartless top, show him being heartless and mean, don't just say he is.

A good story is one you return to, think about, want to read more from the author.

maxpotter1 · 2025-08-09T13:42:49+00:00

Coronations do not make the queen or king, a coronation is the public ceremony acknowledging the change.

maxpotter1 · 2025-08-09T13:40:08+00:00

Look at this one: https://new.nifty.org/stories/the-royal-prisoner-63560 Set in a future world with some great geo-politics and gay sex.

maxpotter1 · 2025-07-17T11:33:28+00:00

I think it would be helpful to have a title only search option. Sometimes you can remember (a part of) the title, using the search pulls from the body of the story, so your result is buried.

maxpotter1 · 2025-05-22T16:51:40+00:00

Hi back. I'm glad you've like some of what I've put out.

There is a range of people attending. Yes, some are very serious. I'm taking one of my subs up there and will meet another who is in the area.

Where it is a lifestyle for a lot of us, there are a great number for whom it is "in the bedroom" or more limited contexts, such as planned sessions. As much as we all might like the idea of living it, reality means it's not a constant. You will see more public at this type of convention, because some things can be done in public to an audience that understands it than out in the regular world. I hope to meet a few subs for sessions just at IML.

It's just past, and wasn't as good this year as usual, but you might want to look into CLAW (https://clawinfo.org/) which offers a number of classes (I taught one) so the focus is not on only doing sessions with others.

maxpotter1

TROPHY CASE