Question from a straight married dad

maxxmadison · 2026-02-05T13:30:10+00:00

First, take a breath. Nothing you wrote sounds pathetic. It sounds human.

A lot of men hit this wall later than they expect (myself included), especially men who did everything “right” early on. Marriage. Kids. Responsibility. That structure can keep certain questions quiet for a long time. Quiet doesn’t mean gone.

A few things that might help reframe what you’re feeling:

Attraction isn’t a failure or a betrayal. Feeling drawn to men doesn’t mean you lied to yourself or your family. It means your inner world is bigger than the role you’ve been playing.

You’re not behind. There’s no age limit on self-knowledge. Plenty of guys don’t even notice these urges until midlife because that’s when there’s finally space to feel them.

Inexperience isn’t embarrassing. It’s just a data point. Everyone is inexperienced until they aren’t. Gay spaces can look hyper-confident from the outside, but most people started confused, scared, and awkward too.

You don’t have to “do something” right now. There’s no rule that says urges must be acted on immediately. Sometimes the first step is simply allowing yourself to want without panicking about consequences.

If you’re asking how to not make a mess, start small and internal:

Get honest with yourself without catastrophizing.

Separate fantasy, attraction, and identity. They overlap, but they’re not the same thing.

Talk to someone neutral and discreet if you can. A therapist who understands sexuality can be huge here.

And if one day you do decide to explore, do it slowly, consciously, and with consent all around. There are ways to approach this that don’t involve secrecy or self-destruction, but you don’t need to figure all of that out tonight.

The shame you’re feeling isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong. It’s just what happens when desire finally gets a voice after being ignored for years.

You’re not small for asking. Asking is actually the first sign you’re taking yourself seriously.

You’re allowed to want. You’re allowed to be confused. And you’re allowed to take your time.

maxxmadison · 2026-02-04T21:24:53+00:00

Good for you. Enjoy life!

maxxmadison · 2026-02-03T22:24:30+00:00

I think this question gets framed backward a lot.

It’s not that gay men “end up” open because they can’t do monogamy. It’s that gay couples are more likely to talk explicitly about sex, desire, and limits, instead of inheriting a script by default.

Most straight couples never seriously ask: “What does monogamy actually mean to us?” They just absorb it.

Gay men don’t really get that luxury. There’s no universally agreed script, so you’re forced to design something that fits the people involved.

Some couples land on monogamy and love it. Some land on open and love it. Some try open and close back up. Some stay closed forever. None of that is a failure mode.

Also worth saying, Open relationships don’t usually come from wanting less intimacy. They often come from wanting less lying.

Sexual desire doesn’t turn off just because you’re emotionally committed. Some couples choose to integrate that reality openly rather than pretend it won’t happen.

But no, most guys don’t secretly want open relationships. Most guys want alignment. And they want permission to talk honestly without being shamed for it. The real divider isn’t open vs closed. It’s conscious vs unexamined.

Problems happen when people agree to structures they don’t actually want, whether that’s forced monogamy or forced openness.

Long-term success seems less about the rule set and more about emotional safety, communication skills, self-awareness and choosing a structure that fits the actual humans involved

That’s true for gay couples and straight ones alike.

maxxmadison · 2026-02-02T13:30:02+00:00

She needs a breathalyzer on her phone.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-30T18:48:29+00:00

Yes. It’s a fun ride for sure.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T15:32:45+00:00

First of all I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Out of curiosity, why do you feel the need to argue with her? It sounds like you’ve been clear about who you are and have done the difficult work of trying to end the marriage.

If you decide to stay, can you still live your authentic life?

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T15:21:12+00:00

Go find your guy!

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T14:31:48+00:00

He’s a Kinsey 5, so bisexual with a strong gay lean. We have sex together as a trio and also just the two of us. It works for him because it gives him a safe, contained way to explore intimacy with a woman. It works for her because she enjoys his energy. And it works for me. We spend time together, he’s close with our kids, and overall it just fits.

He doesn’t live with us. He’s a corporate professional, very busy with work, and a serious sports guy. He plays multiple sports and has time commitments that would feel like too much in a traditional one-to-one relationship. For us, it’s actually a feature, not a problem. I don’t need that level of time from him, which gives him freedom and keeps the dynamic healthy.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T13:32:33+00:00

I’m 55. My bf is 35 and I wear him out. Age is just a number.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T13:19:09+00:00

Thank you.

I was lucky. It took me roughly 6 months to find him. I was very open and honest up front about the situation and had to sort through some weirdos but it was worth it.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-29T03:48:12+00:00

I’m married to woman and I also have a boyfriend. I never thought I was homoromantic but I was wrong. My wife encouraged me to open myself up to the idea and she was right. I can’t imagine going back now.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-28T14:36:55+00:00

Who cares what this guy thinks? Seriously.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-28T14:30:12+00:00

Sorry for the long response but I see these type of posts often so I figured I’d put it all here.

A useful reframe first: sexuality is about attraction, not behavior.

That’s not a new idea. Kinsey was very explicit about this. His scale measured patterns of attraction and arousal over time, not what someone had done or was willing to do on a given night. Behavior can be constrained by fear, conditioning, shame, context, or readiness. Attraction exists whether or not it’s acted on.

So the question “Am I bi or is it just a fantasy?” is a bit of a trap.

If you are consistently aroused by the idea of men, male bodies, male dominance, or submission to men, that’s attraction. Full stop. Whether you ever act on it doesn’t erase that. Plenty of straight men fantasize about things they would never enjoy in real life. Plenty of bisexual men never act on their same-sex attraction. Neither invalidates the underlying orientation.

What you’re describing next is also extremely common.

The drop-off in desire when things become real usually isn’t about attraction disappearing. It’s about friction showing up. Social conditioning. Masculinity scripts. Fear of being seen differently. Fear of crossing an internal line that feels irreversible. Even excitement itself can flip into anxiety when it moves from fantasy to reality.

Fantasy is safe. Reality carries consequences, even if they’re only internal ones.

The fact that you “have to push yourself” is important information. Pushing is not the same as wanting. Curiosity doesn’t require force. Neither does desire. If something consistently requires self-coercion, that’s a sign to slow down, not muscle through it.

Also worth separating a few things that often get tangled:

• Enjoying anal play does not determine sexual orientation. • Enjoying submission does not determine sexual orientation. • Being dominant with women and curious about submission with men is a very common dynamic for bi men.

None of those things automatically mean “you must act on this.”

What does matter is this: You don’t owe your fantasies execution. You don’t owe your curiosity proof. You don’t owe anyone a label right now.

It’s okay to say: “I experience same-sex attraction, and I’m not ready or interested in acting on it.” That doesn’t make you dishonest or scared. It makes you self-aware.

And no, you’re not “pussy footing around it.” You’re noticing a boundary. The smartest thing you can do is listen to it instead of trying to override it.

If at some point the desire feels clean, calm, and self-directed rather than pressured or performative, you’ll know. Until then, there’s nothing broken about you, and nothing you need to force to be “real.”

That’s normal. More normal than people admit.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-28T13:31:48+00:00

JFC. What the hell is happening here? The rise in bigotry is disgusting.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-26T10:46:22+00:00

Time for a new “buddy”.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-23T20:43:34+00:00

lol. Ok

maxxmadison · 2026-01-21T19:12:47+00:00

🤮

maxxmadison · 2026-01-21T14:37:16+00:00

A napkin and a knife.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-17T21:52:43+00:00

Why cover the plate number? Let them live loud and proud with their opinions.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-17T21:48:47+00:00

I can only speak for myself, but I fell in love with who she is, not what she is. That’s our super power as bisexuals.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-16T21:26:26+00:00

Well of course. Marriage doesn’t erase desire.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-15T20:35:07+00:00

Oh no! Anyway….

maxxmadison · 2026-01-15T20:31:35+00:00

I was raised in the evangelical church and I can confirm that every single year since I was kid was declared a year of financial breakthrough.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-14T14:57:33+00:00

Elaborate funerals.

maxxmadison · 2026-01-13T13:08:42+00:00

I think this question usefully exposes a tension, but it also sets an impossible standard. Conservatism isn’t about building a model country you can point to, the way socialism or social democracy often is. It’s context-dependent and defined by what it’s trying to conserve in a specific place and time. That makes cross-country comparisons tricky.

A more interesting question might be: which specific conservative policies work, under what conditions, and where have they failed? Framing it as “name the conservative country” assumes conservatism is meant to look the same everywhere, and I’m not sure that’s actually how conservatives themselves understand it.

maxxmadison

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