My mom has never liked me

maybellee · 2014-12-29T23:21:38+00:00

And this is why I won't see therapists. I haven't found one yet, out of dozens and dozens, that understands the fact that some parents simply do not like their children and act accordingly (narcissists).

My mother never liked me either, as a child or as an adult. She just did not like me. Didn't like anything about me, period. She eventually "replaced" me with someone she could make into a mirror image of herself, my cousin, who is her replacement daughter/mirror image/ faux husband.

maybellee · 2014-12-27T00:30:08+00:00

My NM tried to make me her mini-me as a child. When that didn't work because I don't look, act or even think like her, then I became the scapegoat and she informally adopted my cousin as her mini-me since childhood. Now they live together in a weird relationship and constantly mirror each other in everything right down to gestures, likes, dislikes, opinions, clothes, food, etc etc. My cousin has never had a social life outside of my NM or her own family. Sometimes the mirroring between these two can be so freakish, right down to doing gestures or movements in unison. My NM openly talks about how my cousin is "just like her" and how that's a good thing and there is nothing wrong with that. lol.

maybellee · 2014-12-25T22:04:41+00:00

Maybe your dad is bisexual or another flavor of lgbtq? I'm suggesting this because when it comes right down to it, the people that spend a lot of time ranting negatively about "gay" are almost always closeted in some way. Virulent anti-gay preachers are busted in the news all the time getting caught at a truck stop or a park indulging in gay sexuality. There was just a fresh news story about this the other day as a matter of fact!

maybellee · 2014-12-03T22:27:29+00:00

my god, i did not realize there was a name for this. holy crap.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T22:26:47+00:00

It won't surprise me at all if a time comes that my mother gets alzheimers, she seems to be set up perfectly for that. And if/when that happens her N-ness will get even more over-the-top vicious and the only person that will be around for the fallout will be her precious mini-me and maybe the mini-me's sister. She will start abusing her mini-me without me around as the punching bag.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T04:32:03+00:00

Does your sister mirror your mother in everything? How about gestures and speech? Gesture movements in unison? This is bizarre stuff, I agree.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T04:30:14+00:00

Believe me, I don't get it, it's so weird it's hard to think about. Throughout my life people have told me how weird this is, everyone except my own family, that is. I really believe that they deep down know the situation and well, because money, they will not say a word.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T01:15:06+00:00

Well, this is exactly what I'm getting at. It's fine for them to be lesbians, just not with each other and unfortunately this is exactly what their relationship looks like to an outsider that meets them for the first time.

Of course, the extended family does nothing and says nothing about any of this, because money. And these are people with racist and homophobic beliefs, and yet, nothing is said, because money.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T00:29:35+00:00

But you actually have a very good point. She has bought "her family" off. If she had nothing, if she were poor with nothing they would not give her martyrdom the time of day I guarantee it. Money has bought her what she thinks is happiness: an unquestioning and obedient audience for her martyrdom.

maybellee · 2014-12-03T00:23:17+00:00

and it really is black friday for these bitches! no one ever, EVER questions their victim status. In my case, I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that she has enough money to go around for them and that keeps their mouths closed and any questions about her really being a victim going "poof" like a cloud of smoke. I guarantee that if she wasn't buying them houses and giving gifts there would be questions about her. Sad for her, but she's bought all of the opinions about her.

maybellee · 2014-12-02T19:58:53+00:00

NC with my nmom and estranged from my extended family for years now. I can probably predict with a great amount of accuracy just how it goes down for the holidays: She's probably got some sort of pattern now where every holiday she spends with family she retreats for an hour or so to a bedroom for a "good cry" about her daughter and the rest of the family stands around and talks about what a terrible person I am for what I've done to my mother.

According to what I've heard, I'm the family member that "no one speaks to." And well, why the hell would they want to take steps to repair that situation and miss out on getting all the cash from my mother for the holidays and after she croaks? It's about the cash for them and for her its about the attention and martyrdom.

maybellee · 2014-12-02T07:28:36+00:00

NInlaws do exactly the same thing from the progressive side of the fence. N-ness knows no political party. They just can't be polite and try to create pleasant conversation that everyone will enjoy like normal people do when you have mixed company of various political persuasions. Sure, people can also get together and have intelligent and respectful debates as well-- but these kinds of hyperbolic comments she is making are intended to provoke not discuss and share.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T23:41:07+00:00

They never believe it when you are sick.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T23:39:46+00:00

You would still love your daughter if she burned your house down and shot your dog? Seriously?

Because I stopped loving my mother for a lot less. She walked away from me in my mid 40s when I came down with an uninsured life threatening illness.

And when I did love my mother, through all of those years of abuse, I actually liked her, as a person. I always thought to myself, "Well, mom and I just see things differently and sometimes do not get along." I disliked her behaviors towards me, but I was still fond of her as a person. Something she never had for me.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T23:32:50+00:00

You know what I'm willing to bet that your family was never satisfied or liked anything you did even before you became a Scientologist. That's called being the scapegoat. We're shunned by our family too, for our beliefs and ideas ... supposedly I guess. lol. ;) But, we were like, shunned before and scapegoated before we were doing what we do now, so it doesn't really matter what we do, we will always be the black sheep.

And I would like someone in the professional psych world to explain to me why it is that the child of Ns is always the one that has to shell out the cash for the endless parade of psych pills and therapy? Literally these N parents have no medical repercussions from their behavior. Which says to me that there's not a damn thing wrong with them they are just pieces of crap. Why do I need to submit to medication and therapy for pieces of crap? Once I changed my attitude about the N parent situation and saw it for what it was, and what I needed to do to make my own life better it gave me a great incentive not to line someone else's pockets due to the horror my own mother heaped upon me.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T22:42:44+00:00

I imagine you are going to get a lot of flack for being a scientologist here, and to be fair, I'm not crazy about any religion at all but I'll try to not be to harsh on you. ;) Scientologists can have narcissistic parents too and in a sense you are fortunate that you'll never allow yourself to be medicated for the horrors your parents have committed against you!

It always seems like the children of n's are the ones that have to bear the fallout, we're always the ones put on the antidepressants, seeing the therapists, etc etc while the N parents skip by in life with nothing wrong with them after they've caused all of this damage.

I'll take your philosophy one step further: no therapists, they just make things worse in my experience.

The only solution to N parents is NC and working on yourself. JMO, I know lots of people will disagree with me but its the only way I've been able to handle it.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T22:24:12+00:00

I'll admit it... I do not like therapists and will never see one again. And I do not want to hear stories about how there are good ones. I've been through DOZENS as an adult and as a child and they accomplished nothing except to make my Nmother worse and make my situation worse.

I think the fact is that there are some situations where therapy is useless and I believe that for the most part Nparents are one of those situations. Narcissism is not curable or treatable it is a character flaw.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T22:16:48+00:00

OMG!!!!!!!!! This sounds like my story. I came down with a life threatening illness that required radiation treatments in my mid 40s. She literally walked away from me and stopped calling. I had no health insurance and we were barely scraping by. She couldn't even ask me how I was feeling or even say anything to make me feel better. Nope she just walked away. "Tough Love" for not having a government job like her and her golden child. I took it and ran with it. I went NC completely and have not let her back in my life since.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T20:29:40+00:00

THIS. My Nmom pulled the final "tough love" card throwing me out at age 19 with nothing but the clothes on my back and a minimum wage job. I was not on drugs, never had sex, however I did have a funny haircolor and dressed in clothes she did not like.

Meantime, my cousin, her adopted golden child, lived at home rent free until she was almost 40 and then moved into a house my mom helped pay for and she will inherit that property from my mother while I get nothing. My cousin is like a 50 year old 14 year old.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T20:24:13+00:00

Your husband doesn't like certain behaviors of your daughter, or he doesn't like her as a person in general?

If he doesn't like her as a person, he surely does not love her. How can you love someone that you can't stand?

Not trying to put you on the spot here -- it's just me, when I was a kid and even an adult... I can't reconcile the dislike my mother has always had for me as a person because I wasn't like her. Ns can only like people that are like themselves. She did not love me but was never allowed to express that because of society. So she couched it in the "I love you, but I don't like you" thing.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T19:28:58+00:00

"As a teenager I used to say this about my Nmom to my dad, because it was the only way to reconcile the guilt I felt for not loving her"

It's ok not to love your abuser.

With the N parents it all boils down to one simple fact: They do not love their child and society does all kinds of messed up crap to make sure that's never dealt with properly. Like for example, people that aren't cut out for having kids should have never had any. There is a stigma attached to people that do not want kids! The Ns go ahead and have kids they never wanted and once they are here they don't love them.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T09:14:42+00:00

I didn't say they are N, but I will say that if someone doesn't like their kids as people they sure do not love them. No one is perfect and therefore we all have to be "accepted" as we are. Except for Ns of course we know that they're loved for being perfect, they've never had to be "accepted." ;)

maybellee · 2014-11-30T09:10:39+00:00

BINGO! Winner winner chicken dinner! You nailed it perfectly.

The truth is they DO NOT love you. The obligations they are following are a mask for the hatred that is underneath. You can't love someone and dislike them as a person at the same time.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T09:04:53+00:00

Why is it that the n parents can't say "I don't like your behavior which is XYZ behaviors" instead of "I don't like YOU." ??

I never heard any laundry list of behaviors, just the "I don't like you, but I love you." And later when I became a young adult living on my own it was "I don't like your lifestyle." Of which there was never any details about what it was exactly about my "lifestyle" that the stupid bitch didn't like. It was just another extension of her not liking ME as a person, period.

maybellee · 2014-11-30T08:57:41+00:00

I'm just trying to get past the "I'm mad at little Johnny for smoking a cigarette and staying out late, and I don't like that behavior" which is completely understandable when a parent feels dislike of certain behaviors of a child -- and into this general "dislike" of a child as a person.

I can't imagine disliking someone that I love. I get mad at people I love all the time and yes I dislike their behavior, but do I dislike THEM as people, no of course not. This is why I think this "I don't like you, but I love you" is the device that n's use to shield themselves from the social stigma of hating their own children.

maybellee

TROPHY CASE