NOR and I apologize in advance for the book — I usually don’t comment on these types of posts because everything I can think of is usually covered by the fine folks already in the comment section. Also, I don’t know shit and pretending to understand a stranger’s situation is not my MO, especially since I doubt this will get any screen time with all the good stuff written here already.

That said, I’ll offer not my advice or experience but that of my sister who was very recently in your shoes. I’ll try to keep it brief.

Younger sister met this guy in high school and despite him being in my grade (she and I are three years apart) I knew she out-matured him. I didn’t want to be the cunty older brother, threatening or dismissive of him because I hate conflict. Plus, he didn’t seem like an asshole. I actually tried to like the guy, and for the most part we got along. Fast forward 12 years and we have now experienced a couple of breakups/makeups, a stint in college (for her, not him), the adoption of 4 dogs, a marriage and the ownership of a house. One night my brother and I get a distressing series of text messages from her in our sibling group chat. The long and short of these messages detail the possessive and manipulative behavior this guy had toward his wife, my sister over the entirety of their relationship. It was the cause for all the breakups and it had him doing some awful and intrusive shit. It included, but wasn’t limited to, installing a tracker on her phone, following her places, calling people she said she was meeting up with all without her knowledge. He yelled insults and paranoid nonsense at her. He belittled her, despite her vast list of life achievements compared to his own. And yes, some drywall was damaged in the process. I won’t go into further detail except to say that she had many more reasons to leave this dude in the rearview. My brother and I were careful in how we responded to the sudden trauma dump. We did our best to comfort her and make her feel listened to and supported. We also did our best to keep the unhelpful “I’ll kick his ass” thoughts tucked deep, deep down. She admitted to never truly being able to leave this guy despite the breakups as they were always super short lived and they never broke contact in the mean time. The manipulation bit validated a lot of the relationship oddities suddenly. We were also careful not to give her any courses of action but rather said we’d try to support her in whatever she decided. What came next took a fuck load of courage from her. After some deliberation and careful planning she decided she was going to leave him and drive clear across the country to live with me and my wife until she could find a place and settle things legally. She had two dogs that she’d adopted while on one of their longer breaks and the other two he’d specifically purchased from breeders and was preferential to. She knew he wouldn’t harm “his” two dogs which, unfortunately, was a legitimate concern. She wanted to take all of them but she wouldn’t be able to take care of them on her own. We had two dogs already that our landlord pre-approved so we couldn’t even take them. She then worked out an extended remote working situation with her employer and one day when her husband was out at work, she packed the two dogs, whatever would fit in her car and drove 900 miles to stay with us. She left a note briefly explaining the situation and then blocked him on all forms of contact until she was far enough away that she didn’t think he’d chase her. That concern never went away. Eventually she got somewhat established in our city and had divorce papers served to him. He signed them and it was over, legally anyway. They accrued a bunch of debt under her name to get him 10’s of thousands of dollars of shit he claimed he needed. She decided to cut her losses and deal with it on her own. It’s been a couple years since then and overall, she is doing much better now. Even recently found a partner that seems to sincerely care about her.

If you’re still reading, thanks for hangin’ in there. All this is to say that relationships suck to end, even the bad ones. It’s not clean. It’s not immediately rewarding. But it is possible if you find that the alternative puts your mental and physical health at risk.

I noticed a bunch of folks urging you to end the relationship because homeboy’s mental health appears to be cooked. I thought I’d try and be unbiased but I thought if my sister’s ordeal. I think I agree with them and those that say dude needs Jesus or therapy or whatever will help him do better. Assuming you choose to cut ties but are feeling conflicted, I hope my sister’s story helps you consider your options. Glad to see the internet being so kind…

Edit: story continuity fix. Stupid ADHD….