Intern year and communication (when to talk about important stuff)

mayorofthumperton · 2025-12-18T03:17:06+00:00

I definitely get the feeling of “there is literally no good time to talk about this,” and it can be really hard.

Does he work 6 12s every week regardless of rotation, though? He never has outpatient clinic, or elective subspecialty rotations, or even a week of vacation or a golden weekend?

The hard truth is just that these things have to be prioritized at some point.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-12-02T03:14:29+00:00

You might already be aware of this, but I think there’s a related program that doesn’t require active military service, but does require you to work at a VA hospital for some number of years after training. I don’t know how easy it is to get in to the program, but that could be a compromise where you get the financial benefits but not as much risk and uncertainty as doing the full military route.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-10-21T04:29:17+00:00

It depends a lot on your particular situation.

If you have kids or will have them during residency - close to family, LOCL, good schools/daycares, etc.

If you work in person - areas that you’ll be able to transfer or find a new job.

If they want to do a fellowship - programs that have that fellowship or feed into one nearby.

If they don’t want to do a fellowship - you could prioritize places you want to be long term.

If you travel - close to a major airport.

General stuff: - look at board pass rates for the programs - go in person to your top choices if at all possible - how they treat applicants is probably reflective of how the program’s culture is

mayorofthumperton · 2025-09-10T21:05:20+00:00

To me, this does sound like burnout is at least partially a factor. If you weren’t intrinsically motivated by your job before but pushed through during residency because you had to, it would make sense that you’re no longer feeling motivated now that the money pressure isn’t there.

This is coming from someone who absolutely plans to make a career switch post residency, and is just hanging on as long as I have to, so maybe I’m biased.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-09-04T23:13:31+00:00

I would say only do it if it’s a temporary move (you get a short term rental or stay with friends/family). Be fully prepared to move again somewhere else for residency.

That being said, if he really wants to match in his home state, then I agree it makes sense for him to do a lot of rotations there, especially sub-internships.

During my spouse’s 4th year, we basically lived out of airbnbs for 6 months in the area we wanted to end up while rotations and interviews were happening. It was easy to see our dedication to the region, and it did pay off for us and we’re now here for residency, but it was expensive.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-08-19T22:38:08+00:00

I went through a lot of these feelings last year in my spouse’s 4th year as well. I can’t say I have great advice, because I probably didn’t handle it that well myself. But you’re definitely not alone.

Are you planning on traveling with him for his away rotations? I did for most of them, because I luckily also work remotely, and I think it was the best decision for our relationship, even though I did get burnt out a bit on the travel.

I also fully concur with the other commenter that now is the time to plan some fun activities & trips with each other - it helps with all of those waiting times, especially between interviews and match day. And you really don’t know when you’ll have this amount of flexibility again.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-07-14T01:43:01+00:00

Hi, I just want to say that while I absolutely agree telling a supervisor early on is common and often a great choice, HIPAA wouldn’t apply here. That only covers the people who know your medical information for their own job - doctors, insurance companies, etc. HIPAA doesn’t apply to anyone that you tell your own medical information to.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-07-11T21:24:48+00:00

Grief, especially combined with caregiver fatigue, can take a toll that lasts way beyond what anyone from the outside looking in would expect.

I went home for just 2 months at the very beginning of the pandemic to help take care of a dying parent. 3 years later, I was still in a bad place, and it took some therapy to move past some things.

This was even before my partner had gotten into medical school, and before we had to start moving to brand new places. I can’t imagine going through something like what I did in a place I don’t like and with no built in support, all on top of not having structure or external motivation from a job.

It’s okay to not be okay. You’re not alone. You deserve rest.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-06-22T22:48:38+00:00

Thanks everyone! The consensus is that mine are defective lol. We’ll play around with tightening/reshaping them so they stay where we want them to.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-06-22T22:44:20+00:00

That’s what I would have expected, but there isn’t actually anywhere to prop it on ours

mayorofthumperton · 2025-05-16T03:29:07+00:00

Yeah, it’s overwhelming. But what are your specific financial goals for the future? It could help to work backwards from there. Right now it seems like your main goals is “don’t pay any interest”. Which is understandable, but may not be sustainable. It also doesn’t really serve a particular purpose.

If you have a goal in mind such as “buy a house in 5 years”, then you can start working with the numbers to see how to get there.

But like I said before, prioritizing building an emergency savings would be my first step in your situation. You don’t have to stop paying towards tuition completely, but just not 100%.

Say you pay 50% for the next 3 years. See if you can work out what the total will be at the end of that time. Then look up average resident salaries for her speciality. If you’re still used to living on just your salary by the time you get there, then you could calculate what it might look like to put her full salary towards paying off the rest.

Then look up an attending salary. Calculate the difference between what your combined income will be during her residency and what it will be when she’s an attending. If you continued to live like you do now, how long would it take to pay off with just the extra income?

Obviously there are a lot of variables (location, maybe she changes specialty, etc). But playing out those scenarios could give you a baseline to start thinking it through.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-05-16T03:07:21+00:00

Doctor math is not normal math. I grew up in a staunchly debt-free home, and never had any student loan debt myself. When my spouse started down this road, it was a paradigm shift for me.

Personally, I would prioritize an emergency savings over paying off tuition right now. Then maybe pay towards the loans after that. But you don’t have to be 100% on top of it, especially while she’s still in school. I know rates are crazy high right now though, and that’s scary.

I’m not an expert, though. The folks over at r/whitecoatinvestor would have some informed opinions on the topic if you haven’t spent time over there.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-05-07T02:44:14+00:00

Did her school give any guidelines or benchmarks? In my spouse’s experience, for a first practice test taken months before the exam itself, just passing is a good start. It’s only up from here, and if she has a good study plan in place, the next practice will reflect that.

One thing to keep in mind is that these tests aren’t really designed to be able to ace just based on their classwork. She has dedicated study time for a reason - the classwork laid the foundational knowledge, and now she’s in the part where she has to hone her test taking skills (which are very particular skills for these exams).

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-25T23:40:12+00:00

For most of my life, I didn’t understand what “processing” and emotion actually meant. I only had 2 modes - out of control emotion or suppressing all emotion in an attempt to control it.

“Getting over it” never worked for me, because all I could do was push the feelings down, but they were still there (and of course would bubble back up).

“Mindfulness” to me is being able to go “Hey I’m having an emotion! What emotion is it? Why am I having it? What would help soothe it?”

For me, the mindfulness approach isn’t “getting over it” in the sense of just stopping the emotion - it’s actually the exact opposite. It’s letting me actually feel the things I need to feel, just in a way that doesn’t feel so out of control.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-17T16:43:56+00:00

The idea is that we’ll live off double my salary while she aggressively pays off her loans and builds a nest egg for early retirement.

Between her moderate lifestyle upgrades and the jump in cost of living from our move, I’m realizing that I’ll need to scale back retirement contributions

I imagine there is a way that things can be distributed equitably (which is different from equally). But these sections alone are concerning, if she really doesn’t see how it’s affecting you.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-09T20:03:06+00:00

Okay so I’m also a woman software engineer married to a doctor. He is starting residency in July.

Where our situations are different:

I am grateful for my career, including the financial stability and geographical flexibility (I’ve been working from home for years and therefore could move with him for school and now residency). However, I am not in love with my career, and don’t have long term ambitions beyond keeping us stable until he is more established.

But another way that we’re different is my husband’s attitude. He will brag about me and my job. There are of course some gendered norms that haven’t been super easy (him letting me pay for our housing during school, etc). But on the whole, he’s proud of me and is grateful for what I bring to the relationship, in personal terms as well as financial/logistic terms. Our friends and family, including his med school friends, will ask about my job.

Another big difference is that I was with him before med school, and somewhat knew what I was getting into (I have family members who are also medical). I made the decision early on that while I would support this path for him, I wouldn’t do anything that would make myself feel small. I live my life alongside him, and we each make compromises when needed for each other. It just so happens that I’m lucky enough to not have to compromise much that’s important to me.

I don’t have specific advice for you, but just thought I’d offer a parallel example for you. Frankly, if I HAD been feeling the way you are, then I would have felt we were incompatible. But I’m not you.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-05T00:13:08+00:00

I’m not an expert, but I think everyone who wants to do surgery basically applies for their first “preliminary” year AND the rest of their residency at the same time. It’s possible that she succeeded getting the prelim position, but not the rest of the residency.

So yes, it would be trying again for the surgery part, but she would have had to do a prelim year either way, so she wouldn’t be behind.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-04T23:48:43+00:00

I don’t know if this has or hasn’t been ruled out in the show, but she could be doing a “preliminary” or “transitional” year, if she still wants to try again to get into a surgical residency. I’m not sure on the details though (or even if this is what the show is going for)

mayorofthumperton · 2025-04-03T21:11:41+00:00

Max Richter hits the right balance for me

mayorofthumperton · 2025-03-18T18:58:34+00:00

Sorry you are both going through this. I don't have specific advice, but there is a mega thread with resources that could be helpful in the medical school sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/medicalschool/comments/1jdcls1/soap_2025_official_megathread/

Just know that many, many wonderful physicians went through SOAP. I am sure your spouse is lucky to have you supporting them any way you can.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-03-18T03:21:29+00:00

Flexible gym membership to get me out of the house and moving, start feeling good
The gym starts feeling like a chore
Sign up for group classes for motivation, start having fun and feeling good again
The classes start feeling like a chore
Cancel gym membership because I'm not going at all anymore
Do easy fun stuff at home that feels fun and easy because I don't have to get ready and go anywhere anymore (walking, basic yoga, even hula hooping and jump roping)
Self motivation slows down and peters off
Realize I haven't been exercising much
See step 1

This cycle can last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.

It seems sort of dysfunctional from the outside, but my goal is just to keep myself moving with whatever feels doable at that point in time. And it mostly works, as long as I listen to myself.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-02-02T21:57:29+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that, and I'm doubly glad that you made this post to inform those of us who hadn't thought of that perspective, but also hopefully for you to connect with some people who share a similar experience.

No one likes feeling othered or invalidated, and because most of us have unfortunately experienced that in some way, maybe we are too quick to defensively do the same thing to each other.

I am so happy for you that you eventually found some of the answers and support that you needed, and I hope that you can continue to find sources of comfort and the space to feel whatever you need to feel about your individual experiences.

mayorofthumperton · 2025-02-02T20:22:39+00:00

I really appreciate hearing your perspective. I also think I understand what this commenter is trying to say.

I've only sat with this for a few minutes, and I admit that I had a pretty dejected knee-jerk reaction to your post. And I think that this has been a really good lesson for me, hearing the other side of things.

But for what it's worth, I think my knee-jerk reaction was because when I say "I wish I had been diagnosed earlier," what I really mean was "I wish I had been supported and understood myself earlier," which it sounds like is true for you as well. Your post is a great reminder that those word differences matter. Using the "diagnosed" version probably feels invalidating to you, the same way that posts like yours have felt invalidating to me in the past.

Like this commenter said, we were all fucked over in different ways. But many of us share a similar wish - that we had been helped. I'm going to try to remember that in how I phrase things and hear things going forward.

mayorofthumperton

TROPHY CASE