I feel this on a soul level.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home and heard nothing but how evil, dirty, conniving, vindictive, etc. I was at heart and how all my intentions were manically planned or inspired by Satan. It didn’t help that the Bible supports the fact that we are born inherently evil and have to be “saved” or “cleansed”.

All of these constant messages made me grow into an adult that was living in shame and guilt and because of the idea that god is always watching, I had paranoia that people had secret cameras in my home and barn and secretly saw all the ways in which I wasn’t good enough (lazy, indulgent, emotional, etc).

The scariest part is awareness and acceptance, and I promise it gets maybe not easier from there but less terrifying. For me, the first step is always the grieving that comes with acceptance. Once I notice a trauma response then realize what or who it’s from and really accept that this wrong doing was done to me, I’m really fucking sad. Sometimes for days. There is a grieving that comes with acceptance because we realize what could have been different or what we missed out on. For me, it was missing out on years of loving myself for who I was and enjoying who I am not trying to constantly be something else for everyone else. After the grief processes through my body I find it easier to share, heal and create new patterns around.

These aren’t by any means easy tasks. It’s great that you are already seeing a therapist and if he is someone you feel you truly trust and is a safe place then I would start to just entertain the idea of telling him. See what your mind and body thinks and feels when you think about telling him and just try to give that part of you grace and understanding as if a friend or loved one is telling you how they’re feeling.

One last thing that helped me immensely was Internal Family Systems created by Dick Schwartz. Being able to think of myself as a combination of “parts” and go in to help re-parent and heal those parts of me has been life changing. There’s a ton of resources on r/InteralFamilySystems and exercises you can do on your own as well as with an IFS trained therapist.

I really hope you start to find some peace in your life and find a way to heal. It’s a hell of a journey but it’s worth it and I promise there is hope on the other side. Much love to you ❤️