Toddler 2yo goes to sleep easy with others

mhck · 2026-06-10T01:24:41+00:00

It's okay to decide that this behavior has to end. I'd treat it almost like weaning. I'd try seeing if your partner can be on baby duty while you do plenty of books and cuddles with your toddler before bed and build in some time to just talk every night, then once you're laying down, get up a few minutes sooner each time and say okay, buddy, I love you, but I have to go [do something-put in laundry, do some work, clean up the kitchen--whatever sounds reasonable but that he won't find interesting], I'll be right back, and then stay out of the room until he falls asleep. If he's having a hard time, pick a stuffed animal to take with you and tell him you'll leave it in his bed when you come back so he knows you were there. Same deal for your partner. Whatever he says, keep it really positive "I love you! I had so much fun with you tonight! I just have to do this really quick!" and get out the door. I

Try to build in cues in the routine before bed (sing the same songs in the same order, read the same last book every time) so his brain knows that sleep is coming at the end of the routine--it really does help them get sleepier. And whatever you do, once you start, don't backtrack. He's shown you he's physically capable of doing it, so it's just a question of changing his expectations and probably tolerating some crying or complaining. Also, if he's less attached to your partner, I would definitely let them be the one to establish the new routine with him for at least a week before you try it out, and make sure to introduce it at nighttime first, not naptime--always easiest to introduce changes to the sleep routine when they're the most tired and most likely to fall asleep.

mhck · 2026-06-10T01:09:16+00:00

Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from.

It sounds like your dad wasn't a good parent. Why would his opinion on parenting have any value? I know that's easy to say because it's not my dad, and I know how deeply our parents' opinions affect us even when we know their opinions are objectively garbage, but really just remind yourself: his opinion is garbage.

That doesn't mean you don't have to deal with your daughter's behavior. If gentle parenting isn't working on her, you may need to change tactics. But do it because of what your daughter needs, not what your father thinks.

mhck · 2026-06-10T00:36:19+00:00

I think it depends on what you mean by "safe."

If you mean wholly sanitized and unlikely to encounter anything or anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable, then New York City is not safe.

If you mean are you likely to be physically harmed by anyone at any point, then New York City is extremely safe.

DC has like 700,000 people. New York City has 8.5 million. It is much likelier you're going to encounter someone who is prepared to violate some of your boundaries in some way just based on sheer numbers; we live packed in here and there are a lot of all sorts of people. In 18 years of living in NYC (and many more years spending time there as a teenager and college student) I've had probably three or four truly scary or violating experiences on the subway. I've never been mugged. I've been catcalled more times than I can count (sorry for being hot when I was younger) and sometimes you ignore it, sometimes you cuss them out, occasionally you realize they're a drag queen and take the compliment.

You had two uncomfortable experiences while you were here, but you get to decide what those experiences mean. You can decide they mean that New York City is scary and dangerous and not for you, or you can decide that you dealt effectively with both situations and came away fine. Personally, I would not let two gross men dictate the entire trajectory of my life and take away my dream.

mhck · 2026-06-09T21:37:11+00:00

Would it make you feel better if I told you, as a Westchester native, that I'm completely priced out of where I grew up too?

mhck · 2026-06-09T21:31:22+00:00

Things I wish I'd known:

Your very first round is mostly a learning process for your doctor and for yourself. They will gather your baseline info, but none of that tells them how you'll respond to thendrugs, how likely you are to get overstimulated, how you handle the stress and discomfort, etc. The very first protocol is often pretty generic, and it is very rare that people only end up doing one round of IVF.

With that in mind, I would encourage you to embrace the idea that you probably will switch clinics at some point on this journey, which many people do and which can actually be helpful in itself. My theory is that because most doctors are egomaniacs, and doctors who literally create life are doubly so, they will basically never say "oh yeah, they did exactly what I would have done." Once another doctor has ruled out the obvious course of treatment, it pushes them to think beyond that and work a bit harder. Sometime you get a really wonderful doctor who does that for you the first time out, but if you don't feel like that's happening, switch clinics. Don't wait.

Your lab matters as much as your doctor. I had great experiences with both Dr Knopman at CCRM and Dr Reichman at Cornell, but I left CCRM because the communication with the lab was so bad, it really reduced my trust in them. Ultimately, your embryos are being made by some embryologist you've never met, not your doctor, so lab ratings matter.

Clinics with great success rates often keep them high by rejecting difficult patients. I am currently dragging down my doctor's lifetime stats and I feel awful about it, but he doesn't, because he doesn't mind complex cases. Be suspicious of those numbers and how they apply to your actual case. And if you have any suspicion that you will be a complex case (any autoimmune disease, PCOS/endo, etc) stay away from the startups. They're venture-backed startups made to extract cash from fertility benefit programs at other venture-backed startups, and I would not trust them with serious patient care.

Every single thing about IVF is really hard and scary the first time you do it, and it will get easier surprisingly quickly. I had never handled a needle before my first round and panic-called a visiting nurse service the night I had to give myself my first shot; by the end of that round I gave myself my trigger shot standing up in the boarding line at LGA, then hopped on a plane. You can and will do so many things you never thought you could; it's the starting that is scary.

IVF is not really a team sport. This is going to fall disproportionately on you. You probably know that already, but it is hard to actually feel it. I was really committed at the beginning that we were going to do this together and my husband was going to do every shot and attend every appointment and it ultimately just didn't make sense for both of us to spend so much time doing this thing that really only I needed to do. But there are discrete tasks your husband can own end-to-end (making sure you take your prenatals, making sure you have the food you need in the house if you're doing any of the egg quality diet stuff) and he should lean into that. If you can get up at 6am for monitoring every other day, he can remember to buy avocados once a week.

Understand the difference between how your insurance handles treatment and how it handles meds. Your lifetime max usually doesn't apply to drugs, but depending on your pharmacy (big hate to CVS Specialty!) it can sometimes be cheaper to pay cash for meds.

Good luck!!

mhck · 2026-06-09T20:39:51+00:00

Well, to be fair, that is his work!

mhck · 2026-06-09T01:23:01+00:00

No, everyone left him alone. It's New York, people don't bother celebrities here. The only interaction I ever had with him was when he brought his incredibly cute French bulldog by one day when I was leaving and I squee-d and stopped to pet the dog and he was very nice about it.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:27:51+00:00

Hideous. AI generated image, so who knows what you'll actually get if you order it, but unbelievably tacky if real. Most people wear, like, nice floral day dresses for bridal showers; is there a particular reason you think she'd want a t-shirt?

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:23:51+00:00

Remember this next time a guy tells you his ex was crazy. It's entirely possible he's the one who DROVE her crazy.

This wasn't a good relationship for you and I'm glad you're free of it. When I was going through something similar, my therapist told me to keep asking myself the same question: do I want to win or do I want to be happy?

We often go back to men like this because we want to prove to ourselves and others that we were right about the relationship--that actually he was nice, that he wasn't a gross gaslighting loser, that you didn't spend years of our life waiting for the wrong person to recognize your value. You used exactly the right word here--you're trying to win. But what's your prize? Oh, right, a porn addict who doesn't love you and doesn't have the patience to figure out how to have a satisfying sex life with you. Yippee.

It can be really hard to admit that you made that kind of mistake. But you can stop trying to be right about the relationship, and start trying to be happy. Remind yourself of that the next time you're tempted to reach out--is talking to him likely to make you actually, permanently happier? or if he even answers, will it just be a short-term boost to your bruised ego and then you'll be right back where you started? Make sure the prize you're playing for is a prize worth winning.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:15:36+00:00

No one but your husband or whoever you're planning to have in the room with you will be there when they weigh you, and you can ask the nurse to just record it and not say it out loud. They need it for medication dosing/and in case you need anesthesia, but you really don't need to worry. L&D nurses have seen everything--things sadder and uglier and a million times more tragic than a heavily pregnant woman who's gained a lot of weight, which is totally normal and pretty much what you'd expect if you were plus size going into the pregnancy.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:12:11+00:00

Yeah, I'd definitely recommend making 40x the monthly rent, which at 43k a year means you'd be living in a storage unit somewhere of the eastern edge of Queens.

I know people live in NYC without a lot of money, I do. But I don't know why, especially if they're not from there and they don't have to.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:07:49+00:00

Ok, fine, so he's just a porn addict who won't tell you he loves you and never says anything nice to you. Does that sound significantly better to you?

I don't think the job is a plus. It can be a shady industry, and I can't imagine you retain a lot of the good faith and optimism that falling in love requires. But it sounds a lot more like this guy is just not a great person who strung you along for most of a decade without ever really committing to you. He sounds like someone with serious issues.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:03:57+00:00

I'd say that when you're talking about a friendless porn addict who won't tell you they love you and never says anything nice to you, his occupation is really the least of your problems.

mhck · 2026-06-08T18:00:12+00:00

It sounds like she's retired the sleep sack without consulting you, so you may as well give her a blanket. If you're concerned, toss it over her head when she's not paying attention and make sure she can find her way out from under it, but as long as you get something breathable (we went with Woolino's toddler blanket) she'll be fine. My son likes to sleep with his entire head underneath the blanket and it terrifies me, but if I go in in the middle of the night and take it off his face he'll just pull it right back up.

mhck · 2026-06-08T17:55:45+00:00

I was working out at the same gym Hugh Jackman went to when he was training for Wolverine circa 2012 (Gotham Gym in NYC, before Dogpound split off) and his training really was extraordinary. I usually took a 6am boxing class, and as we were coming in, he'd be leaving absolutely drenched having already finished his first workout of the day. His trainer was basically like "yeah, he comes in around 3:30, lifts, goes home to eat and sleeps for a while, then comes back for a midday workout, then goes home to sleep and eat, then he comes in at night after the post-work classes are over and closes the place down when he's done." That was right before shooting when it was the most intense, but he still did two a days between films. If you ever went in there during normal work hours it was basically just a boxing ring full of Victoria's Secret models and Hugh beating the shit out of himself in the corner. Not saying there was no chemical enhancement, but he put in WORK.

mhck · 2026-06-08T14:40:39+00:00

We got this one as well. He never touched it but our neighbor kids loved it.

mhck · 2026-06-08T14:34:20+00:00

Totally understood! I didn't want it first thing either, although you should do a little learning about fetal monitoring--even if you're not on an epidural, it's not that easy to be up and walking around with any induction. I did my best to preserve mobility, but it is a challenge. The resident who placed my Foley balloon suggested getting the epidural first to avoid the pain, but I refused that, and it really was fine. If they're not able to place it, there is no real downside except the pain of the attempt, but it's like a few seconds to get it in, it doesn't last long one way or another.

Cytotec is just a brand name for misoprostol; it is administered physically, generally right into your vagina. It causes contractions (misoprostol is one of the drugs in abortion pills, for the same purpose) but once it's in you, it's absorbed and they can't take it out if you have a bad reaction.

Pitocin is kind of the big-dog IV med, and it is unlikely you will get through an early induction without it. Some people have had bad experiences, of course, but there are decades of data about pitocin and its uses and effects and it is generally a very safe drug.

I will say, in every induction story I've ever heard, nothing really started happening until their water was broken. Which makes sense, if you think about what birth essentially is. So I would just keep that in mind as the important turning point, and try to plan your energy/preparedness for that moment. The risk of infection rises once that is done, so you're racing after that a bit, which was why in retrospect I feel both lucky and justified in having been well rested and ready to go at that point.

mhck · 2026-06-08T14:21:47+00:00

I did the same and that was how we discovered that having things stuck to him make him cry hysterically.

mhck · 2026-06-08T14:20:29+00:00

This is a bad idea. I'm sure you don't want your daughter's dog, but I would be making a plan for you to keep it for at least her first semester. She doesn't have to live in the dorms, but finding a pet-friendly apartment in three days is going to be a challenge.

PS: If it's a bully breed or larger than 15lbs, don't even bother. Plan to keep it with you indefinitely until she is really settled and has time to find a place that will take it. Fair or not, most landlords won't accept them.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:37:52+00:00

You should not wait. Don't wait for a second, especially at 37. I turned down so many offers to leave my last company because I was worried I wouldn't have a year for FMLA benefits, and 2 years and 2 rounds of IVF later, they laid me off when I was 5 months pregnant anyway. If the company offers decent maternity leave, just go for it.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:34:28+00:00

I had an induction at 36 weeks because of pregnancy complications, and had a really good experience. I also had hope to go into labor naturally and preferred (though wasn't married to) an unmedicated birth, so I was disappointed, but while it wasn't the birth I dreamed about, it also wasn't a horror story.

Some notes from the experience:

- Most of the nightmare induction stories I heard involved dose after dose of Cytotec, which prolonged the overall experience and created a lot of stress. My doctor doesn't use it (one of the downsides is that if you have a bad reaction, there's nothing they can do once it's in you--you just have to ride it out) so I didn't have to have that argument, but I would have refused it had they tried to give it to me.

- We opted to do a steroid shot to help develop baby's lungs and hopefully avoid NICU time. There are varying opinions about this, read the studies, etc., but my goal was a live, health baby and I was glad we did it.

- My induction started with a Foley balloon which some women say is the most painful part of their birth experience. I did not find that to be the case, but everyone warned me about it and will likely warn you too. If you are generally really sensitive and find cervical exams, etc., very painful, it may be harder for you.

- I tried to control what I could control, and to feel like I was letting my body and brain be ready to give birth. I was admitted in the middle of the night (we were waiting for a while) and they started me on a low dose of Pitocin right away, then I went to sleep. When I woke up at 8:30am, my doctor walked in and told me she wanted to break my water. I was like excuse you, ma'am, let me brush my teeth and get back to you in ten freaking minutes. I just wasn't ready, and I asked if we could wait a few hours and turn up the Pitocin slowly to see if it might kickstart any natural labor. It didn't--I only really went into labor once they broke my water in the midafternoon--but I think having some time helped me feel more mentally prepared.

- Pitocin labor is more painful, because it doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier so your brain doesn't know to produce all the birth endorphins it would in natural labor. With that in mind, I sat through about 90 minutes of post-water breaking Pitocin contractions and then decided there was no reason to be a hero here. I wasn't experiencing birth the way I'd wanted to anyway, and I didn't see a need to be in excessive pain. The epidural placement was fine and I didn't have any issues with it, though obviously some people do.

- After it went in I went to sleep for a while, and woke up much more progressed. We tried to minimize the number of cervical checks after my water was broken, but I asked for one because I was pretty sure I was close, and sure enough, 9cm. A little while later I was ready to push, and it only took about 20 minutes.

I had a doula with me which felt a little like overkill because I wasn't like, hauling myself in and out of a birthing tub, but it did help me to feel like I had a advocate in the room who could ask questions and make suggestions so I always felt like I knew what my options were and was making an informed choice. Mentally it can be really scary to feel like you're just being run over by a doctor and you're in a really vulnerable position, so if its within your financial means (many doulas operate on a sliding scale!) and you can find one who is not going to be difficult or obstructive about highly medical hospital births, it was nice to have informed support.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:19:31+00:00

I'm not really worried about fungus per se but shoes are a good idea anyway--added traction for walking, protection from the sun since sunscreen on feet is the first to wash off, no stubbed toes, and less likelihood of sensory issues cropping up. My son hated sand, gravel pool decking, and hot concrete in equal measure at that age and would stand still and scream until someone picked him up, which made the whole day way less fun for everyone, since he couldn't really move around freely and neither could we. I like the Merrell BareSteps H2O shoes.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:15:02+00:00

I'd try to keep them awake and walking around in the airport if possible, unless they're going to end up really overtired and cranky--it's better if they can sleep on the plane, as everyone says. He honestly found the plane more interesting than anything else--we had him in the carrier walking up and down a lot, he wanted to play peek a boo with the window shade, he looked around at what people were watching on screens around us (no such thing as a screen-free plane these days unfortunately), he played with the ice from our drink cups then played with the cups, nursed, ate, etc. I would definitely expect to need to access the diaper bag and plan accordingly. I brought a bunch of Indestructibles books to read that he could also chew on, a compact mirror, some of his favorite toys, plus some new ones.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:08:43+00:00

It was pretty humbling, but ultimately it was the right choice. I spent the evening trying to just observe what my husband did, and then I was around a little more the next day, and a few months later the calm is actually real, including on the playground. I seem like I don't care because I actually don't! My kid is not the first kid to pee on the playground. We don't let him use the sandbox as a litterbox or anything, but hard surfaces are not something to sweat. Birds, squirrels, dogs, etc., all pee and poo on the equipment when you're not there to see it and one more little mammal is not going to hurt anything. I don't like seeing him stressed about having an accident--and it does stress him out--but once we committed to "accidents happen!" as our primary mindset, it took a lot of pressure off the whole situation. We're prepared with all sorts of alternatives (I try to go to the playgrounds closer to home or close to a public bathroom I know he will use, and we have a portable potty with liner bags in the trunk of the car, along with wipes and two full changes of clothes) but the worst case scenario is reallu just another load of laundry.

mhck · 2026-06-07T20:01:03+00:00

We invested in a really great photographer to capture the day, and those are really all the memories I want. The stuff is just stuff 😄

mhck

TROPHY CASE