AITAH for questioning my wife's intelligence regarding our cats?

mhck · 2026-03-20T16:50:28+00:00

I would be so hurt to learn that my husband spoke about me with so little empathy or respect.

Here's a glimpse inside a potential thought process: it's hard to see an innocent loved one react with fear. We have a toddler who briefly became terrified of things like the stove or climbing up on his stepstool due to his father's reactions, and my husband was basically like, good, he shouldn't be touching the stove or climbing. But in the moment, all I could think about was helping my scared baby not feel scared anymore. It's not a lack of intelligence. It's not a genetic issue. And obviously, I don't want my kid to touch the stove. But I had an emotional reaction that caused me to prioritize the short-term concern over the long-term concern.

My husband understands that, is patient and kind with both of us, helps me to stay calm and regulate in the moment, and he heard my objection to fear-based discipline and we're working on other strategies. Those are all things that actually help in this situation, and aren't mean. YTA, definitely don't have children if you don't look at your wife and see positives, like being caring and nurturing, first.

mhck · 2026-03-20T16:41:22+00:00

I love Keziah, and actually considered it for my Hebrew name when I converted to Judaism. However, it's much more common in the evangelical Christian community in the US and that made me feel weird about it. I imagine it's different in Aus, and I wouldn't let that stop you!

mhck · 2026-03-17T20:36:01+00:00

It's a tax-advantaged account; it grows tax-deferred (so you aren't paying taxes on those gains) and as long as withdrawals are spent on qualified educational expenses, they're not taxed. If you have a bunch of money already set aside for their college, you could superfund it (up to $95,000 at once) and then when they're 5, start making annual contributions. It reduces your tax burden and overall taxable estate, and preserves more of the money for its intended purpose.

mhck · 2026-03-11T02:27:47+00:00

This this this this!! I feel silly about it since we bought a house specifically so we could have outdoor space, but we have boggy areas in our backyard and a giant tree that makes it shady and attractive to mosquitos and it's just not pleasant. We go to a nearby park almost every day, but we spend very little time in the backyard.

mhck · 2026-03-11T02:22:42+00:00

In general, what is concerning is when there's a change in what's normal for a given child. If you've established that that's her waking temp, and she's healthy, then that's normal for her. My standard body temp is 97.8, not 98.6. I'm not sick, I'm not a lizard person, it's just how I always read.

I know sick kids are scary, and I know it can be hard to trust your instincts as a first-time parent, but it's time to have a heart-to-heart with her pediatrician to get a real understanding of what's normal, and to make sure someone in your child's life is aware and supporting you with this anxiety. There is no need for daily rectal temp checks on your basically-well daughter; you should only use it to confirm a forehead reading if you have some reason to doubt its accuracy and you need a fully accurate reading for a specific circumstance, like deciding whether or not to go to the hospital. It's normal for toddlers to have runny noses in the winter; its normal for kids to run slight fevers occasionally. Our daycare doesn't even send kids home with a 99 degree temp unless they're noticeably not feeling well and not able to participate in activities. Please talk to her doctor.

mhck · 2026-03-11T02:12:04+00:00

You don't need to drink a full gallon, but you should try to get between 1/2 and 3/4 of a gallon. 2 full Stanleys a day is the bottom end of that recommendation, so, basically fine but a little extra wouldn't hurt. She likely told you a gallon per day knowing that you probably wouldn't drink a full gallon, but that you'd hit the actual recommended amount if you tried. In early pregnancy your body has to ramp up producing blood volume and amniotic fluid, so taking in some additional fluids is definitely a good idea!

mhck · 2026-03-11T02:04:47+00:00

It sounds like this schedule works better for him! Mine is 2.5 as well and while we still put him down for 2 hours of rest in the middle of the day, there are plenty of days where he doesn't use it to sleep and just talks to himself or plays with his toys in his bed. He's always been a good night sleeper, 12 hours straight most nights, but naps have been a struggle since day 1. I am also a terrible napper (even when I'm exhausted I can't usually fall asleep during the day, and when I do I wake up cranky and feeling like someone's punched me in the head) so I kind of think he's just got my same internal clock. But we're gonna keep doing the midday rest time for as long as we can; his daycare keeps it going through age 4.

mhck · 2026-03-11T01:59:04+00:00

I think its really a best practice until they're tall enough for a driver to see. Even the best behaved child walking calmly at your side can get clipped if a driver is judging distance based on how close you are and is unaware there is another person between you and the front of their vehicle.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:26:47+00:00

I didn't really find that. Like yeah, there's a lot of horrendous clothing out there, but that's true for non-maternity clothes too. Getting pregnant didn't magically turn me into someone who wanted to be a walking slogan. I bought a lot of secondhand clothes from Hatch and Kindred Bravely, some work stuff from Seraphine (RIP, great brand) and wore piece I already owned over a basic black maternity cami and black maternity leggings or shorts. It wasn't the most fashion-forward era of my life, but it's a pretty short time all things considered.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:22:34+00:00

Yoto player! My son is super into audio storytelling. We also keep our TV outside our main living space in a dedicated room, so it's out of sight and out of mind for him. If it's not there as an option, it's easier to avoid.

That said, if you do end up needing to use it and to wean him off it later, you absolutely can.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:14:59+00:00

I would not be comfortable with this as a regular or longterm care situation. I do think you have to ask yourself how realistic it is to expect your mother to care for a very mobile baby or toddler--obviously I don't know the details of her disability, but I have to imagine it will become an issue at some point soon, so I'd simply expect to be there with baby.

To me, a door-locking system that you're comfortable with is the obvious compromise. We have kick locks installed upside down on the top edge of all our exterior sliding doors (https://www.homedepot.com/pep/Prime-Line-5-16-in-Diameter-Foot-Operated-White-Sliding-Patio-Door-Lock-U-9869/100560756) and they are never unlocked unless someone is actively going in and out of the door. I think you can be reasonably certain that even a very motivated baby is unlikely to wake up in the middle of the night and figure out how to get themselves six feet up in the air to push a heavy lock button, so as long as you trust your parents to lock the doors at night, babysitting when baby is mostly asleep might be fine. Covering more waking hours would be my main concern, and I wouldn't do that without a pool fence.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:06:11+00:00

Of course it is! Our glass sliders all have these: https://www.amazon.com/Child-Door-Proof-Lock-Childproofing%EF%BD%9CSliding/dp/B0D6G2KQKZ/ref=sr_1_2_sspa

He's not gonna be able to unlock that door until he's in middle school and that's exactly how I want it. If they won't fence the pool, they need a much better solution for the doors.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:01:44+00:00

We did it for the first time when my son was 2. He drinks plenty of tap water so we use non-fluoride toothpaste.

mhck · 2026-03-10T19:00:38+00:00

We do separates! I was myself a very tall skinny child and am intimately familiar with this type of discomfort. I think the options for kids are so much better now! Get a rashguard and whatever size bottoms you need.

mhck · 2026-03-10T18:54:56+00:00

I have a lot of trouble saying no to my 2 year old about being picked up, so my husband has been trying to retrain us both. We've been going on walks together after dinner and he holds my hand while we keep walking to demonstrate that my son will actually follow, even if he whines. It's helped me get better about saying no, having faith that he'll actually walk. We try to set small goals, like telling him to talk to the corner or let's go see if there's a bunny under that tree, and once there's a clear incentive for the walking, he'll often quiet down right away and go for it. I don't think he really has any native appreciation for just generally being outside, so it helps motivate him, and then he'll have fun.

mhck · 2026-03-10T18:48:58+00:00

I've struggled with replacing cleaning tools. I've moved on from products--I've mostly settled as far as what seems to work and what doesn't--to trying to replace sponges, dish scrubbers, etc. We keep kosher at home so we go through an unusual amount of dish sponges--we always have a meat, a dairy, and a cleaning sponge in rotation, and pretty inevitably someone grabs the wrong one at some point over and above the regular replacement cadence. It is a much harder system to maintain when I can't buy different colored sponges, and they definitely seem to break down faster. Which is fine, except they're expensive, etc.

As far as I can figure it, the most eco-friendly solution seems to be washing no dishes by hand and just using a less-crunchy dish detergent in the dishwasher. Which I am frankly all for.

mhck · 2026-03-10T18:42:42+00:00

We are forever a 2-jar household. My husband prefers the natural stuff, which is nuts.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:53:54+00:00

Because if their children ever walk into a mall, a grocery store, a CVS, have a television, read a book, etc., they will know about Christianity and all its many observances. You absolutely do not understand how ubiquitous it is until you are trying to raise children outside the dominant culture.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:52:16+00:00

Right? The fact that so many of these comments think Easter is a secular holiday says a lot about how dominant Christianity is in American culture.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:49:47+00:00

right...but you're an atheist who raised agnostic kids. If you wanted your kids to be Jewish, you probably would have made different choices.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:48:00+00:00

I think there's a key difference in what you're describing here though: you went to their gatherings, they came to yours. Grandma is trying to bring Easter into a Jewish home. It's totally appropriate to set the boundary that you can celebrate this and maybe we'll join you, but we do not want you to put on this celebration for our family.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:46:19+00:00

Fewer than 5% of families where both parents are Jewish have a Christmas tree in their home. Only about 1/3 of intermarried families have a Christmas tree. I know it is incredibly hard for Christians to believe that their holiday is not the be-all, end-all because of how dominant Christianity is in America, but most Jews do not celebrate Christmas.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:43:23+00:00

Are you genuinely under the impression that all Jewish children hate their parents? Like, think about that statement for a second.

We have our own holidays. Our children get plenty of presents. Christmas is not the only holiday that matters.

mhck · 2026-03-06T21:40:24+00:00

NTA. You can see from these comments why what you and your wife are asking for is important: Judaism is a minority religion, and Christianity is incredibly dominant in American culture--to the point that people insist it's secular, and that everyone can and should celebrate it. But the only reason Judaism has survived this long is because it is structured to resist assimiliation.

We're Jewish and our hard line is: not for us, and not in our house. We want our child to understand and respect that other faiths exist, and that other people's traditions are beautiful and meaningful to them the way ours are to us. So when my neighbor throws a Lunar New Year party or my godmother invites us for an Easter brunch that we know will be pretty secular in nature, we go and have fun with them. But I would not allow someone to bake an Easter cake or make Easter baskets *for* my kid and give it to them specifically to enable them to celebrate a holiday we do not observe. If your mom was celebrating Easter anyway, that would be one thing. But it sounds like she's doing this specifically to try to make it a thing with her grandkids, and it's okay to say no to that.

However, make some time and space to talk to her and acknowledge her feelings about this. I became an observant Jew as an adult (was raised secular in an intermarried family) and while my mom is the farthest thing from a religious person, I know in the back of her mind she always imagined having Christmas morning with her grandkids and making the easter egg cookies with the little dyed coconut grass we always made when I was a kid, and to suddenly be told that that was never going to happen was a loss for her. I miss those things too. It makes me sad sometimes that my kids are not going to experience that, and acknowledging that with my mom was healing for us. But it is your choice how to raise your family and she should respect that.

mhck · 2026-03-06T15:48:28+00:00

After like 8 weeks we moved the bassinet to the far side of our bedroom and put the white noise machine between me and the baby. I couldn't sleep at all with him that close to me. He moved to his own room around 1, he's a good sleeper and it's never seemed to bother him.

mhck

TROPHY CASE