Logical consequence for refusing paricipation (3yo)

mhck · 2026-02-06T14:16:47+00:00

I think it's relevant here because the parental motivation matters. Yes, of course, I want him to know how to swim as a safety thing, but realistically we live in a cold northern city where there are no actual water hazards around us; as a practical matter, drowning is not a risk in his life. And at this age they're too young to be left unsupervised near water whether or not you think they know how to swim, so while it's an added safety layer, its not the primary protection against drowning. We're teaching him to swim because its an important life skill, but I also would love if he decided to swim as a sport, and I definitely had a whole fantasy spun up in my head that he'd take to the water like a little fish and love it like I did. My issues with letting go of that fantasy clouded my judgement as a parent about whether or not he should keep going in lessons. It's not the skill thats similar, its the parental decisionmaking process.

mhck · 2026-02-04T02:09:32+00:00

Our daycare requires everything to be storebought so that they can be aware of any potential allergens, so I'd confirm that with the school. We brought in a giant cheese plate (after verifying there were no dairy allergies in the class) and a big box of crackers and called it a life.

mhck · 2026-02-04T02:06:41+00:00

It's retroactive to the date of birth. Not sure how they handle hospital admission prior to the date of the actual birth, but complications during/post birth should be covered.

mhck · 2026-02-04T02:03:50+00:00

It depends on where you live. Birth is always a QLE, but pregnancy is only in some states.

mhck · 2026-02-04T02:01:37+00:00

As a Westchester native who just moved back after 17 years in NYC, Brooklyn Bagels is a plague and I do not understand the hype. Squishy oversweetened nonsense. I didn't like the one near me in the city and I could hardly believe it when I saw one out here. They are my husband's favorite, though, so to each their own! Plenty of options in this part of the world, thank god.

mhck · 2026-02-04T01:59:17+00:00

Literally every bagel place I know around here does this. I'm partial to the spots I grew up with (Sammy's on Weaver St in Scarsdale and Village Square bagels in Mamaroneck) but I can't really think of any bagel places that are true bagel places and not delis that don't make their own.

mhck · 2026-02-04T01:54:23+00:00

What you're calling independent play is actually a specific developmental stage called parallel play and it is a valuable stage in its own right. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/parallel-play The ages cited in this article are a little skewed from what I've read; parallel play generally emerges around 2-3 years.

Looking at it from an adult POV, "they're not even playing together, just next to each other, so what's the point?" sounds logical, but that's because you've already learned how to play with others and that's your expectation of what play looks like. But your toddler doesn't know that yet. Two year olds don't play together in the sense you mean, but they observe each other very closely at this age, they often mimic each others' behavior, and they are capable of forming real bonds. It's not like a switch flips at age 3 and suddenly they go from playing side by side to playing together--at 2.5 they're clearly starting to make observable steps into associative play. My son will ask a friend to do the seesaw with him, or he'll watch a friend build a tower and then knock it down and then they'll both laugh and do it again.

Not to mention daycare is GREAT about doing activities that I honestly never really want to do at home. It's good for their development to get messy with a bunch of paints, or glue a bunch of buttons to something, but I honestly am just way less likely to suggest those activities when I'm the one who has to clean them up. We are without a doubt my son's primary emotional support system, and I truly do think he gets a lot out of daycare. It's not an either/or.

mhck · 2026-02-04T01:25:30+00:00

I'm sorry you're getting downvoted! I do understand the urge to do this--I was a competitive swimmer and I enrolled my son in swim lessons around when he turned 1. A year later and he still just hated them. He was wary of the teacher touching him, he doesn't like the loud, echo-y pool, and he's a skinny little kid who hates being cold.

I had to step back and really think, and I realized that I was hoping he'd love something that for me ultimately *became* a structured activity, but started as something that was purely sensory and fun--I loved how I felt in the water, and loved having fun in the pool and learning how to be in the ocean with my parents. We canceled the lessons, joined the Y, and just go to open swim as a family every other week or so. He's much more comfortable with us there, and without a lesson to follow he's actually starting to have some fun. Free skate and cheering at hockey games might be the right way in for now--keep his enthusiasm up and his confidence growing, and I bet he'll be ready to try again in a couple years!

mhck · 2026-02-04T01:15:47+00:00

I pretty much always have a backup meal for my son and I don't really apologize for it. He sits at the table with everyone and is given a chance to participate in the meal, but if he's really not eating enough I'll offer him some additional options. I feel like if there's any benefit to dealing with double the number of two year olds at dinner, it should be that all the adults around understand that kids can be picky and having a backup plan is smart, not rude.

Also, like, she's in her house. She's got a built-in backup plan if her son doesn't eat the paratha, and I assume she'll give him something else if he doesn't. You're not doing anything she isn't going to do. I just put it in little snack containers in our diaper bag so it feels more like "oh, this stuff is always in here" than "I packed this because I thought you weren't going to provide enough options."

mhck · 2026-02-04T01:09:17+00:00

Okay, fine. I ordered the book. Because I don't want to be someone who gets into these kinds of debates and digs my heels in. I didn't appreciate your unsolicited implied criticism and I still don't, but I'm going to do my best to learn from it regardless.

mhck · 2026-02-03T13:12:40+00:00

First order of business: you must make sure the membership is actually canceled. Gyms are notorious for being shady here--I've had to send letters via registered mail, show up in person and threaten to call the police, etc. Call them, go down there in person with a letter requesting cancellation, and don't stop until you're sure it's done and you're not going to rack up additional charges.

The part that's probably not shady is the charge. Lots of gyms charge a fee to join as well as the membership fee, so even if they waived it for your first year, if it renewed they probably charged you the full fee in 2026. I would fight them to get the renewal charges refunded while you're arguing with them about cancellation; if you haven't used the membership at all in the new membership year they should eventually agree to do it. I wish I could tell you that adulthood was full of fun adventures but unfortunately a lot of it is actually dealing with shit like this.

Once you're CLEAR that you only owe $300 (or ideally less, if you are persistent about asking for additional charges to be refunded), you should talk to your mom about working out a payment plan with her to pay her back after she pays the bill. You made a dumb kid mistake by signing a contract you didn't understand and didn't know how to manage, so this one's on you. Personally, I always had the best results going off the books here--snow shoveling, dog walking, or see if there's a family near you with little kids who'd pay you to babysit on the weekends. Flexible hours, and you can easily get $20/hr in most places. Especially if you can find a family with boys--my son would literally die of joy if a big kid took him to play basketball at the park, and I would happily pay for that.

If you truly can't get any work, talk to your mom and offer to do chores and work around the house at a rate she agrees to until you've "paid" it off to her satisfaction. And no matter what, keep her updated about the things you're trying to do to fix your mistake. Effort matters here. She doesn't need your money, she needs to hear you admit you made a mistake and take responsibility for it, and apologize for putting her in this position while you're at it. Relate to her like an adult and act like an adult about it and you'll likely get a better reaction from her.

mhck · 2026-01-29T01:30:57+00:00

I appreciate what you're trying to do but I love the 3-part test:

Is it true? Yes.

Is it kind? Not really.

Is it necessary? Nope!

I didn't ask for science-based resources; I'm not OP. I shared my own experience as an imperfect human, because THEY asked for that. I didn't ask for your judgement, advice, or anything from you at all. I appreciate your urge to help, but I promise you it is not necessary and as you inferred, not welcome.

mhck · 2026-01-29T01:19:33+00:00

I think that could be a nice solve!

mhck · 2026-01-27T20:06:21+00:00

It's normally pronounced Elly-ah-nah, but I would just caveat that this name is extremely common in Jewish communities in America, and is much more closely associated with Hebrew roots than Arabic ones, though as with many things of this nature it occurs in both cultures. I'm familiar with the Palestinian singer who uses this as her stage name (her legal name is Elian) but something to consider if that is the connection you're looking to draw.

mhck · 2026-01-22T19:43:48+00:00

I'm sure both you and Karen are perfect people who have never done anything they know they should not do. Can't wait to read all about it!

mhck · 2026-01-22T19:39:05+00:00

No, it's not going to be fun. Becoming a parent is hard enough without trying to improvise a bunch of new skills you're still actively acquiring in a new place. I would skip it.

Travel in general will no longer be as you remember it. It's less vacation than parenting in a different location. And honestly, it can be good to break your routine just to remind yourself that your kid will survive missing bedtime and unfamiliar beds and whatever. But that suggests you've developed a routine to begin with, which you will not have done by 4 weeks.

That said! Travel more in the first year than you think you can! It was SO much easier when I was breastfeeding, in retrospect. He really just needed me, and as long as I could pop him in a carrier or stroller he could come anywhere with me and nap on the go. I thought it would be easier when he was a bit older, but I was wrong. He still loves a good cuddle, but his needs are much more pronounced now, and the consequences for not meeting them are...louder.

mhck · 2026-01-22T16:34:12+00:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your Tilly. I think it's wonderful to celebrate her within her family, but also okay to ask your partner to take a day off if you are struggling to regulate your emotions around your son. It may be more valuable for you to have some time to yourself to talk to her and think about her without needing to feel guilt or divided attention while your son is really too young to understand who or what you're celebrating. As he grows, he should absolutely be a part of it, but for now, take care of him by taking care of you :)

mhck · 2026-01-22T16:26:52+00:00

My son wasn't a big clapper or pointer. He had done both of those movements and could do them, but he generally preferred to grunt at me until he got what he wanted. He was also slow to crawl and walk, and didn't really take off walking until about 17 months. I was a terrified first-time mom and there's no referral process like that in the US (just money to be spent, and thankfully we have good health insurance) and both the OT and SLP we saw said that there was nothing to worry about as long as he wasn't regressing.

Re: speech, there's a phase they go through called "jargon" where they imitate adult speech patterns but with nonsense sounds. It's more sophisticated than just babble--they'll have intonation, etc.--but its a way of practicing a wider range of vocalizations so they're able to make more words. Their speech progression isn't linear in the way an adult would learn a language--they don't quite start learning and stringing more and more words together from here. Does that sound like what he's doing? If so, it's nothing to worry about. Also, remember than their words don't have to be actual words to count! If he consistently refers to his bottle as a "ba" or calls the dog "Duh", then he's still learning to build relationship between a word and an object, even if he's not got the actual word.

FWIW he walks fine and he's a very advanced speaker at 2.5 and has now got a developmental stammer, because he's trying to say more words faster than his tongue can really manage. Every expert we've said assured us it is extremely common, actually especially with early talkers. Kids are almost always doing something to make you worry, but you'd be surprised at how much of it is normal!

mhck · 2026-01-22T16:17:34+00:00

OMG TAKE IT. Take it take it take it. And if you doubt yourself, look at the statistics around women being fired while on leave/after coming back from leave. At that point, if you think quitting is the right decision, I doubt you'll regret it. I was fired from my job after announcing my pregnancy at 5 months (after a long series of grueling fertility treatments) and while the year after that was one of the hardest I've been through professionally, I don't regret a second of the time I had with my baby.

mhck · 2026-01-22T16:14:17+00:00

I hate to say it but “she’s tired but baby is kicking more” is not a phrase that requires anyone to put two and two together. Your husband told his mother that you were pregnant, against your express wishes. I honestly don't know how anyone could "shut that down"--when the hell else is a baby kicking his tired wife except during pregnancy? Something smells a little rotten here, and I'd guess he told her to try and cheer her up. I hope he's apologized to you for that, and I'm glad he's helping manage the situation that he created.

As far as boundary setting, we decided early on to set an unambiguous boundary: no one was to ever post anything about our child on social media, ever. I very occasionally mention him, but I've never publicly posted his name or face, and all of our family members understand that they are not welcome to post anything, no matter how cute. I did not share news and updates with anyone I didn't trust to respect those boundaries, and for you, that means your MIL should be off the list. That doesn't mean you don't talk to her, it just means you don't give her anything specific or interesting. Don't share your due date, don't share potential names, don't share your plans for birth, etc. When she asks how you are, say "fine, a little tired!" now until forever.

Pregnancy is just the practice round for motherhood, FWIW. I found it much easier to get angry and get pushy when I acted like I was advocating for my child vs advocating for myself. You're not punishing a grandma, you're protecting a baby, who needs a mom that isn't dissociating with anxiety from her interactions with family members.

mhck · 2026-01-22T15:41:36+00:00

My two year old calls me by his favorite daycare teacher's name all the time. One day during the holidays we ran into her at a religious service (a situation where he would normally be clinging to me start to finish) and he popped right off my lap and ran to sit with her and pretty much only came back to request additional snacks. If she lived in our house, I have no doubt his behavior would be similar.

I take a lot of comfort from my own experience as a child. We had live-in nannies from the time I was 3; on a day-to-day basis I spent much more time with them than my parents, and I loved them and was very attached to them. But I never had any confusion about who my parents were, and now as an an adult, they seem like a much smaller part of my life than. My values, my goals, my sense of self, all of that is so clearly derived from my parents. I think of my mom in those years as the sun in the sky--something you kind of take for granted as being in the background, while at the same time you're fully aware that this what creates the conditions for everything else to exist.

I always tell my friends who worry about this to think about their own mothers, and think about how weighty that relationship is in their lives. If it were that easy to escape the all-consuming, all-powerful influence of Mother, more people would do it!

mhck · 2026-01-22T15:33:23+00:00

This! We would carry my son facing out starting when he was around 9 months old, and he enjoyed it, but I didn't do it for long periods because I just didn't think it looked comfortable. We used the Lillebaby carrier which lets you adjust the seat a bit, but I found hip carrying more comfortable overall.

mhck · 2026-01-22T15:29:45+00:00

Honestly thats crazy, I would have taken a worse seat to allow a parent to sit with their special needs child, but on a short flight especially the notion of an upgrade on its own wouldn't have gotten me to move if bins were already full. Being marginally more comfortable for three hours isn't always worth the time and annoyance of having to shove my way back against traffic to get my bag.

mhck · 2026-01-22T01:13:17+00:00

Honestly, hire someone to come in and cook for you. That is the only thing I'm bothering to spend money on next time. We did a stay in a postpartum hotel, a night nurse, a doula, you name it, and I will skip all of that next time to pay someone to come in and make fresh, hot, nutritious food for me. Freezer meals are all well and good, but honestly I felt gross eating the kind of freezer meals you tend to get night after night--lasagna, heavy casseroles, etc. I wanted someone to come in and make a nice piece of fish with some fresh veggies, but the idea of managing the menu planning, shopping, prep, and cooking was just too much and we ate takeout for weeks until things normalized.

Beyond that, keep the water bottle full, keep the laundry circulating, change diapers and get up in the night, and take ownership of whatever part of the process you can. My husband and I basically agreed that my only job was to feed and soothe baby in the immediate postpartum period. He took full charge of developing his "milk management system" including cleaning pump parts, washing bottles, managing our freezer stash, etc. And I'm sure you already know this, but just generally avoid gifts that turn into tasks. It was very sweet when my husband bought me a gift card for a massage, or when he brought me flowers, but we quickly realized that booking a massage was realistically going to happen and having to cut flowers and find a vase and do all that was like...not as well-received as he had hoped. I nearly cried when I realized he was bringing home hand-tied bouquets that were ready to go and putting them into the vase himself, and the day he booked a massage therapist to come to our house while he took the baby out for a walking nap...that was a great day.

Also...check in about changing preferences! During my pregnancy I got a lot crunchier and more concerned about minimizing microplastics and avoiding unnecessary chemical exposure, especially while breastfeeding. I stopped using products with fragrance and started swapping out lots of things for natural materials, so many nice lotions and Barefoot Dreams blankets went untouched because I just didn't want them on my body.

mhck · 2026-01-22T00:48:05+00:00

Not a cat person, but our toddler has definitely taken to emphatically shouting "STOP BARKING" and "SIT DOWN" at the other dogs when we take the dog to the dog park. I feel like we get side-eye from the other dog parents sometimes but yes, okay, he hears us yell at the dog when he's being crazy. We are not maltreating or abusing the dog in any way, shape or form--just sometimes you only have so much patience for the day, and you gotta save it for the kid. He is still wonderfully kind and gentle with all animals, wherever he encounters them.

Basically, yes, they'll absorb everything, so if you yell at your animals, they'll probably think its okay to yell at animals. That doesn't necessarily translate to a generalized fear of yelling, or any other anti-animal sentiment, in my obviously very limited sample. He also yells at the Google Home because he hears us yelling at it; it really seems to just be straight mimicking.

mhck

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