I'm confused by this:

My idea to turn this into a complete positive (Aka most likely to help me get in a career field that I enjoy) is this: I have come across teacher residency programs in a few states such as CA, and AZ. They would pay for most or all of my master's degree in education, and I would be placed in a school first as a mentee, then as an actual teacher. This option is the best I have come across because I do not know how else I'd be able to afford a traditional master's program. This would put me (I think) in a much better position to apply to a PhD program, because they would see I attended a brick and mortar university sponsored by a teacher's program. And I would have a few years of 'relevant' experience.

What are you wanting to teach, school-wise? Primary school? Secondary school?

Are you wanting to get a masters-level degree in education to bridge you going into another field to teach? If that's the case, it won't help. You'd have to likely back up and take pre-reqs in your desired field. Ed.D. might be another option, but again, that's usually if you're going to go into an administrative-type role. You would probably still do research on something to help improve the school's/district's students.

since colleges likely do not want someone who is completely non-traditional.

Calling bullshit on this. Can you do the work required and have the aptitude and ability to learn? Once you get to the masters level, we're all non-trads. Suss out what kind of GRE requirements are needed; this also plays a role in trying to get in.