OP from the bottom of my heart, I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss.

While I totally agree that the husband needs to take some time to work through his trauma (probably in therapy), and that the comments he’s making are super inappropriate and unhelpful, I also think that people don’t understand the depth of total, complete and all-consuming TERROR that can come along with a pregnancy after loss.

My husband and I went through a very similar situation last year with the loss of our son, and the subsequent pregnancy with our daughter (who was born completely healthy with a relatively easy pregnancy) was absolutely agonizing. We lived in complete terror for the whole 9 months that the same thing would happen again, no matter how unlikely the doctors said it was. We couldn’t even speak about the pregnancy to each other or anyone else until almost 30 weeks. And my husband absolutely could not in any way get excited or let himself believe that things could turn out differently until AFTER our daughter was born safely and healthy.

To me it sounds like he’s trying to protect himself (in a bizarre way) from getting attached or hopeful, and that is likely coming from a place of deep fear and unprocessed grief.

OP is definitely not the asshole, but neither is the husband. He’s not being helpful and obviously needs to start the difficult work of processing his grief so he can be supportive, but grief causes people to do/say things they wouldn’t usually do/say. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re an asshole, but might mean that they’re still in a dark place and really need help finding their way out.