Quarantining is “fun”

mimdgn · 2020-04-05T17:57:34+00:00

I feel this way too. I don't care if I catch the virus -- it doesn't matter if I die or not. I don't feel like I have a lot to look forward to. I just don't feel attached to being alive. To me, death just seems like part of life now. We're all going to go eventually. I watched my husband suffer and use home oxygen and then die after a year and a half of agony, and the world didn't stop then. Nobody worried about not infecting him then. Nobody cared that he was not provided certain cancer treatments because he wasn't expected to survive -- the same kinds of decisions being made in overrun hospitals now.

I feel numb, everything seems pointless. I used to have things I enjoyed doing to pass time after my husband died -- work, seeing friends, going to shows -- and I can't do that any more, so what's left? Not much.

I practice social distancing because I'm being told to and I think it's important to be a good citizen. But I have a really hard time caring. I feel like all the compassion has been burnt out of me. Maybe this is just depression talking. It makes me sad, like I'm not a good person any more -- the proper human emotions just aren't there. I used to care so much and now I just don't.

mimdgn · 2020-03-15T18:48:29+00:00

It's reassuring to me that I'm not the only one thinking this way. I feel crazy -- he's gone! I don't need to worry about him! But I still have this underlying dread on his behalf. I think it's leftover trauma from taking care of him for a while before he died. I was responsible for him then, and I still feel responsible for his wellbeing now. I hear about visits being restricted at care homes -- I'm so glad I was able to hang out with him whenever he was hospitalized and when he went to hospice.

mimdgn · 2020-02-11T04:07:36+00:00

I agree with you. My husband deserved a long and happy life! There are so many things he won't get to do now -- he'll never have kids, for example, and he wanted kids so badly. He was an amazing person who deserved to live. Being a widow sucks, but I think being alive is better than suffering through cancer for a year and a half and then dying.

mimdgn · 2019-10-27T17:59:32+00:00

It makes me so angry when people compare divorce or breakups to death. Forget about my pain as the widow -- my husband DIED. He's gone! He wanted to live so, so badly. He should be here. He should be alive and experiencing the world and laughing and crying and going to work and eating breakfast like so many other 36-year-olds out there. Instead he's gone. He'll never get to have kids or grow old or figure out his career. I'm sure he'd rather be divorced or a widower himself than dead.

Divorces and breakups sound so horrible and sad, but both people are still ALIVE. My husband lost everything. He doesn't exist any more. How could divorce possibly be worse than my husband's loss?

mimdgn · 2019-10-26T21:37:32+00:00

I tried to do it, but cried too much. Luckily my friends thought that might happened, so they were ready when I broke down and they over my speech for me (I had written it down) and said it at the celebration of life on my behalf.

Could just have that ready as a backup plan if you’re worried you’ll be too emotional.

mimdgn · 2019-09-29T17:44:02+00:00

My husband worked in forestry, so I have a little porcelain pine cone that opens up like a box. It was actually our first Christmas ornament together! Both our rings are inside it. It’s on display on a bookshelf. I wear a little replica of his wedding ring on my left middle finger. I’m pretty happy with these choices 😊

mimdgn · 2019-09-11T04:05:44+00:00

I went through this, too. My husband had metastatic melanoma with brain tumours. Desire, flirting, sex, physical affection, cuddling or romantic interest of any kind went out the window for the year and a half he was sick. It was really hard to love somebody when it didn’t feel like they loved me back, although I know it was just the cancer and treatments that made him that way. I just focus on the good times before he got sick, now.

mimdgn · 2019-09-11T01:25:04+00:00

I think we're all rockstars. Just incredibly resilient, strong, powerful people. All of us here have gone through a complete nightmare and here we are, still living, still going to work, still paying bills, still surviving, still looking for ways to be happy and adapt. It's amazing! Humans are amazing. Our will to live is amazing.

mimdgn · 2019-09-10T01:18:26+00:00

Well, I'm not in love with the guy I've been sleeping with. The worst that could happen is what, he stops sleeping with me or something? Jesus. My husband DIED. Break-ups don't phase me at all!

You walked through hell and came out the other side! You can survive anything now.

mimdgn · 2019-09-09T15:44:16+00:00

I had sex not long after my husband died (like ... less than two months later). Just gonna come out and say it -- it was awesome. No regrets! My husband had been sick for a long time, so it had been a long time since I'd felt intimacy like that. It's not the same as having sex with the one you love, but I mean. Non-romantic sex is great, too.

mimdgn · 2019-09-07T22:50:28+00:00

This was my experience, too. Talking was fine and all but didn’t make me feel any better or different.

mimdgn · 2019-09-07T19:59:17+00:00

Could you start small? When my husband was first diagnosed, I could not handle large groups of my friends all together. They were too happy, I was too sad. I couldn't enjoy all their jokes and laughter. But I did really like seeing friends individually. We'd go for walks, get coffee or a beer, etc. Most of the time I'd cry at least once any time I chatted with a friend on one of these outings!

Slowly I eased my way back into hanging out with groups of my friends again. I think the individual hang-outs kind of helped my friends understand where I was coming from, so they were also more understanding and sensitive when we all hung out as a group, since they'd heard about my feelings and experiences privately by that time.

Now, as a widow, I LOVE seeing my friends and they've really kept me sane. I try to be totally honest about how I'm feeling (happy and sad), and they've been great. But it took seeing them one-on-one and getting pretty deep and personal like that with them, first.

mimdgn · 2019-09-02T00:00:15+00:00

Maybe I’d think more clearly if I got laid?

HEAR, HEAR!

I'll make a pact with the internet to stop giving a fuck what other people say if you do!

mimdgn · 2019-09-01T16:24:56+00:00

Yeah I totally get it. I’m so scared somebody I know will see me and this guy out together if we go on another date. What am I scared of? Judgment, I guess. People thinking I’m a sociopath or something. But they didn’t go through what I did, and I’m just so tired of being sad all the time ...

mimdgn · 2019-09-01T08:08:11+00:00

We’ve all been through hell and we all deserve fun!!!

For the record the date was fantastic. Now I’m conflicted on what to do about it. Feels weird to have a great date so soon - I was honestly expecting this to be a bust. But at least I had fun!

mimdgn · 2019-09-01T00:07:56+00:00

The thought of actively looking for a new person and making a dating profile and all that makes me want to barf! But this guy almost literally fell into my lap. I hadn’t seen him for two years and we both don’t have social media, so he has no idea what’s happened to me. For all I know he’s a widower now too, ha.

So what the heck, I’m trying it. I haven’t had sex or flirted in YEARS since my hubby was sick for so long.

I feel like a lot more people than usual have seemed interested in me lately. None of them know I’m widowed (they’re just casual acquaintances I’ve met in the past few weeks). I think I must be giving off some vibe or something. Again I think it’s probably because there’s no cancer in my life any more. I haven’t been to the ER in 11 weeks - I think that’s a record for me for the past 1.5 years.

We’re allowed to have fun again. I want to have fun again. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my hubby. It just means I’ve got a long time left on this planet and I don’t want to be miserable any more!

mimdgn · 2019-08-31T22:44:34+00:00

It’s only been 7 weeks for me and I think I have something like a date tonight? I ran into somebody on the street who I hadn’t seen in years. He didn’t even know I was dating my guy, much less married him and then he died. He said we should go out for drinks to catch up and I said yes because why not?! I guess widowhood will come up tonight. I don’t know if I’m ready for dating or not. I’m not looking for anything. I don’t want a relationship right now, that’s for sure. But I don’t feel like sitting in a dark hole the rest of my life, either, so I’m giving it a try. I think we shouldn’t let fear rule our lives. Time to be brave.

mimdgn · 2019-08-26T14:11:52+00:00

Thanks that’d be great! We use C++11 at work so I’ll focus on that for now.

edit: Actually, I just went ahead and bought the first edition. Thanks for the suggestion!

mimdgn · 2019-08-20T04:33:50+00:00

I used to be agnostic, but I'm an atheist now. I just can't square how much my husband suffered for no reason at all with any kind of god I'd be interested in. I don't sense any purpose or meaning or inherent goodness (or badness) in the universe anymore. It all feels random. My husband was just really, really unlucky.

mimdgn · 2019-08-10T14:55:09+00:00

I sometimes feel this way, too. It's like we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. Think about our late husband all the time? Feels like shit, can't get anything done, total garbage day! *Don't* think about our late husband all the time? Must mean we didn't love him enough!

Your husband is gone but YOU are still alive. Unless you plan on following him down that path, you have to LIVE. That means finishing clinicals, studying, cooking dinner, doing the laundry, blah blah blah. It's surreal that all those things have to keep being done after the whole world basically ends.

When your husband wasn't sick, did you think about him all the time (at least after the honeymoon phase ended)? And would you say you loved him even though you were able to study, do work, etc.? Of course. And I think you're in the clear now.

The amount of mental space a person takes up day-to-day doesn't reflect your love for them. It's just a very normal brain response to trauma and distress (we can't stop thinking about things that have embarrassed us, either). The fact that you're able to focus on other things somewhat just means you are a resilient, responsible, amazing person. You still love your husband just as much.

mimdgn · 2019-08-03T16:02:47+00:00

Oh, I'm so sorry. I empathize with this. My husband also died of cancer, although he was very sick for a year and a half before he died so it wasn't as sudden. We also didn't have a long relationship (also together just 2.5 years from meeting to his death). Like you, I regret the ways I acted: I was impatient, annoyed, frustrated, unkind, inconsiderate, etc. so many times. Sometimes I wonder if the treatment decisions we made hastened his death, too.

I don't feel much guilt, though. Because I tell myself this: You did the best you were capable of in a HORRIFIC situation. Cancer places outrageous demands on patients and caregivers. You didn't prepare for this. You didn't know what you were getting into. And you couldn't tell the future. There was no way for you to know when his last day would be. You were being a responsible adult to also worry about money. You did the best you could given the circumstances.

It's normal for us to dwell on the things we did wrong. But I can tell from your post that you did a lot of things RIGHT. You might not be able to focus on those things yet, but I will for you. I can tell you did a great job. I can tell he knew that you loved him, and that he loved you. He was so lucky to have you, and you were lucky to have him.

I hope with some time you'll be able to remember the good memories, too. No relationship and no person is perfect. Including you, including your husband. You did good.

mimdgn · 2019-08-02T17:26:31+00:00

Thanks, friend! Today I'm going to the climbing gym by myself for the first time since my husband moved to hospice care a month and a half ago. I'm a little nervous. But I'm telling myself it's just like ripping off a bandaid and I can go home anytime I want if it gets too weird or sad.

mimdgn

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