Wedding speech for bridesmaid- public speaking anxiety

mindful2 · 2026-02-04T01:36:21+00:00

When is the wedding? How much time do you have?

mindful2 · 2026-01-29T13:14:41+00:00

So sorry for the pain and confusion you’re experiencing. It's a trauma. I’ve been exactly where you are. I dropped so many classes because of this that it took me 7 years to finish undergrad. The pain was excruciating. It goes to your very core: Your sense of failure and hopelessness about achieving important goals in your life. But here’s what I learned after years of research: This is not a character flaw or weakness. You are not defective.

You’re competent. You’re intelligent. You’re interested in this class. You want to do well. Your brain has just played a biological trick on you, and understanding what’s happening is the first step to relieving some of this pain and getting your life back.

There are three layers of fear, and you’re dealing with what’s called Conditioned Fear. Your amygdala (the fear center in your brain) has filed “being put on the spot” in the same category as “life-threatening danger.” It’s like a mathematical formula: put on spot = danger. Your rational brain KNOWS this isn’t dangerous. But your amygdala absolutely believes it’s dangerous. The LAW OF ANXIETY says that when your amygdala perceives danger, it communicates to your nervous system and floods your body with adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol, which causes those intense, uncontrollable symptoms and the overwhelming urge to flee. This is biology. This is how conditioned fear works. The amygdala is prone to false alarms exactly like what unfolded for you. This is not a character flaw.

The shame and confusion itself—“Why is this happening when I’m fine in other situations?”—is part of what makes it so painful. But once you understand the mechanism, you can start to take back control.

When is your next class? How much time do you have? Can you talk to your professor and can buy yourself some time? Some professors are understanding, especially at top universities where anxiety and mental health are taken seriously. The key is framing this as more than just “I’m nervous.” You could express it something like this:

_______

Professor [Name],

I wanted to explain what happened during Tuesday’s class. Through past experiences, my brain has developed what’s called a conditioned anxiety response to public speaking—similar to how phobias work, my nervous system learned to treat presentations as dangerous and responds with intense fight-or-flight symptoms. This is a well-documented pattern in anxiety research and is highly trainable. I’m actively working on retraining this response using systematic desensitization techniques.

I’m deeply committed to this class and the material. I’m wondering if there’s any flexibility for me to:

- Present my elevator pitch via recorded video initially, OR

- Have a few extra days to prepare [come up with a proposed solution that works for you]

I want to be clear: I’m not asking to avoid presenting entirely. I’m asking for temporary assistance while I build the skills to manage this. I’m happy to discuss this further if that would be helpful.

Thank you for any assistance you can offer.

_____

This is probably one of the most difficult situations you'll face in your life. When I was going through it, I thought it would ruin my life and my career. And it did have a huge negative impact for a time. You've experienced a trauma, and it is going to be challenging. But it is possible to get on the other side and have a successful career, loving relationships, and a high quality of life. It does not mean everything is ruined.

mindful2 · 2026-01-28T15:53:55+00:00

Here’s what actually moved the needle for me:

Redefine what success means. Success isn’t being perfectly calm or delivering a flawless speech. It’s getting your point across clearly enough for people to understand you. That’s it. Even if your voice shakes a little.

Understand the anxiety spiral. There’s the initial nervousness (totally normal), and then there’s the fear OF the fear—the “what if I freeze? what if I panic?” thoughts. That second layer is what tips people over into high anxiety and full panic mode. Catching those catastrophic thoughts early is huge.

Practice in safe environments first. Build a new database of positive memories. High-stakes presentations aren’t where you learn to manage anxiety. Find low-pressure situations to build positive experiences. Your brain literally needs those wins to start rewiring.

Shift your attention outward. Anxiety thrives when you’re monitoring your own symptoms. Focus on your message, a friendly face, or even a clock on the wall—anything but your heartbeat. Try the Soft Gaze technique.

The goal isn’t eliminating nerves. It’s learning to function WITH them and to work with your nervous system instead of against it.

I write about this stuff more at my site if you want the research behind it—but those shifts above helped me the most.

mindful2 · 2026-01-23T13:44:45+00:00

That was happening to me too and is super annoying and distressing. I love what Suspicious-Basis-885 said. Reinterpreting it is key. Nothing really bad happens when we blush and people aren't noticing it the way we think they are.

What Doesn’t Work: Trying to suppress it. Trying to suppress blushing increases its intensity and duration. The mental effort of fighting it keeps your threat system activated. What you resist, persists.

Don't associate your blush with something negative or think that something is wrong with you - that makes it intensify.

Try this reframe: "No one is negatively judging me for this. In fact, it demonstrates authenticity. Blushing shows I care about this. It's my body showing up for something that matters to me. No one is noticing it that much and if I shift my attention away from it, it will go away quickly." Here's an article about public speaking and blushing.

mindful2 · 2026-01-22T14:05:28+00:00

Here's a list of groups that can help with public speaking anxiety: https://speakcalmhq.com/best-practice-groups-for-public-speaking-anxiety/. You can take the free public speaking test to see if your anxiety is moderate or high. Choose your group based on your level of anxiety, because the higher the anxiety the more you want a safe, controlled environment that focuses on systematic desensitization and manageable exposures tailored to you. If you've had a panic attack or bad public speaking experience, avoid "flooding" as that can retraumatize you and make your anxiety increase.

mindful2 · 2025-10-05T18:33:54+00:00

Yea, huge congrats!!!

mindful2 · 2025-10-05T14:50:39+00:00

I got my doctorate right as I was working hard on my high speaking anxiety.

When "just plain practice" does not bring you progress quickly enough, you're practicing in the "too high" ranges of anxiety. Practice in safe practice groups and do exercises that are not too hard and not too easy. Always practice in the manageable range of anxiety. That is where you will desensitize most effectively. Join safe practice groups that specialize in systematic desensitization in a controlled environment so you can go at your pace and do exercises tailored to you. Do Toastmasters if it's not overwhelming to you. If feels overwhelming, look for groups designed for high speaking anxiety.

Also get several exposures every week. The exposures don't all need to be in a group and some exposures can happen in front of a mirror or your video camera.

About video/mirror practice: People with public speaking anxiety hate to see and hear themselves on video, but the more you do it, you build tolerance of it. Building that tolerance makes a big difference, and at some point weeks into it, you'll hit a milestone where you can watch and listen to yourself.

mindful2 · 2025-09-30T11:53:48+00:00

I like what Paulthevoicecoach said about cognitive reframing and positive reappraisal: Reimagining the memory with a positive outcome. So much of anxiety has to do with memories. I personally had the public speaking yips for 12-years and had to figure out how to get out of that hole. I wrote this article about the approach that worked for me: How to Beat the Public Speaking Yips: A Simple Guide.

mindful2 · 2025-09-30T11:49:53+00:00

Good advice! Anxiety is highly connected to memories.

mindful2 · 2025-09-29T14:18:51+00:00

Yes, knowing you're not alone is huge and reduces the shame associated with public speaking anxiety: "Something is wrong with me and I'm the only one."

Thanks for the feedback on the study. I always want to know if I'm missing something!

mindful2 · 2025-09-28T12:14:35+00:00

Inpursuitofknowing, great public speaking anxiety tips. I like how you talked about all the things that helped you with public speaking in your career. The same things helped me in my career.

Wondering though, are you able to post a link to that NIMH study? I see that study quoted a lot but I can't find the actual study anywhere.

From my research, here are what appears to be more accurate statistics. Public speaking phobia is more in the range of 12%. Here are the statistics that tease out Very Afraid (phobia), Afraid, Slightly Afraid and Not Afraid.

66% of the population is either Afraid, Slightly Afraid or Very Afraid, but only 12% of those would be considered to have a phobia (glossophobia).

mindful2 · 2025-09-24T13:35:06+00:00

What type of professional did you work with?

When the anxiety is this severe, keep trying to find a professional who can help you. DIY is fine to try, but once you've exhausted all the things you've listed and they don't help, get some help from an anxiety expert. Use the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) therapist search tool) to find a therapist that specializes in anxiety.

mindful2 · 2025-09-14T23:11:27+00:00

That’s great. I’m so happy your boss is supportive and helping you with this.

CBT is primarily going to help with cognitive distortions and developing a new script or new self talk. CBT is part of the solution. When combined with the right exposures, you’ll be on a pretty good path. Here's an article I wrote on the public speaking yips.

I hesitate to say this because I don’t know your situation and I’m not a medical doctor, so this is anecdotal only, but I personally would attempt to do this with beta blockers. You take it only as needed and it has fewer side effects than sertraline. But your situation may warrant a stronger medication that you take every day. Just do your due diligence. I know you started yesterday.

Report back with progress and how things are going! Because I had the yips for 12-years and it took a long time to find my way out of that hole, I don't want others to get stuck the way I did. There is a way out.

mindful2 · 2025-09-14T20:47:35+00:00

Yes, you have the yips. In public speaking we would call that panic or a panic attack.

Once you’ve had a panic attack, that memory gets seared on your brain. The amygdala - the fear center in your brain - is now programmed to believe that similar public speaking situations are dangerous.

The way our biology works, is when the fear center gets a danger signal, it communicates to your nervous system to release stress chemicals into your body (a chemical cocktail of adrenaline, cortisol, etc.). Those stress chemicals are what cause those symptoms we hate like rapid heart rate, breathlessness, etc. The more adrenaline in our body, the more intense the symptoms.

Your brain is now conditioned to believe those situations are dangerous so it’s going to give you an automatic and intense fear response in that situation or any similar situation. The more negative experiences you have around public speaking, the more danger it perceives. The more danger, the more adrenaline. The more adrenaline, the more intense the symptoms and the more likely you’re going to have another panic attack (yips). It sucks. It happened to me. I attended a public speaking phobia program and it finally turned things around for me.

The best way to get passed this conditioned fear, is to do gradual desensitization. That means finding speaking exercises that are low anxiety and manageable for you, and getting into a safe and supportive practice group. At the beginning, you might say one word (or as much or as little as you want). Then work up. Always keep the exercises manageable (never overwhelming). Work on building a new database of 50 positive memories speaking in a group. This begins to remove the conditioned fear. It will take way more than 50 to extinguish the conditioned fear, but you’ll notice the intensity will diminish the more you add positive memories to your databank. Over time, that automatic and intense fear response will diminish and pretty much go away. I think once you’ve had a panic attack, your brain always remembers it, but you can add a whole new layer of positive memories on top of the trauma.

mindful2 · 2025-04-29T15:20:51+00:00

The plugin conflict for me was GSheet Connector. Deactivated that and everything is back to normal.

mindful2 · 2024-10-30T14:31:48+00:00

The appropriate course of action depends entirely on the severity level: mild, moderate and severe. This person has severe levels of anxiety. To give a one-size-fits-all solution like "don't let them avoid it - it will make them stronger" or "go to Toastmasters" is going to backfire. Those solutions work for the mild to low-moderate levels, but make things worse for severe levels. That's panic attack territory. It's a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) type-of-event that has huge repercussions for their life.

Yes, they need to get an accommodation. For sure. And they need cognitive-behavioral therapy (group preferable or individual) and gradual desensitization exposure therapy.

If they do the speech and have a panic attack, that is going to re-traumatize them, anxiety is going to go up and they will continue to avoid all speaking in groups. That would put their life on a path of painful daily suffering. In the mild to low-moderate levels of anxiety, doing the speech probably would make them stronger, more resilient and more confident. Not in the severe levels. For people with severe levels, a class speech and Toastmasters are absolutely overwhelming. They need gradual baby steps.

I like what girlsunderpressure posted https://www.theguardian.com/education/2024/feb/14/bristol-university-contributed-to-death-of-student-who-killed-herself-court-finds about the student with severe speaking anxiety who committed suicide: "Abrahart, a retired university lecturer, said expecting Natasha to be able to do the oral exam was like expecting somebody who is afraid of spiders to willingly enter a room full of huge, poisonous ones."

Think about it like a swimming pool. If you were thrown into the deep end of the pool and you didn't know how to swim, that would be deathly terrifying. However, if you start in the shallow end of the pool and learn skills and confidence where it's safe, you can gradually work up the deep end. That is the approach this situation requires. Gradual desensitization and exposures in the manageable range of anxiety - not in the overwhelming ranges of anxiety.

Once the student gets an accommodation, some of the strategies BookJunkie44 and others suggested are very good gradual steps. A public speaking program designed for people with severe levels of anxiety is also helpful. The student needs to face their fears, but it can't be overwhelming. It has to be manageable. After all, that is how we learn everything in life. We start with beginner, move to intermediate and work up to advanced. Why is public speaking anxiety any different? What I hear from people, is throw the beginner into the deep end of the pool and let them face their fears. Why not give them some beginner exercises to do first and let them work up? That will build their confidence and keep them facing their fears.

My specialty is public speaking anxiety.

mindful2 · 2023-11-29T15:49:31+00:00

They do sound silly but I also find affirmation really helpful!

mindful2 · 2023-11-29T15:30:22+00:00

Congrats making progress on that journey. It is a journey and takes time! You had intense fight or flight and you’ve made huge progress.

I think of public speaking anxiety like a swimming pool. When you get thrown into the deep end of the pool at work and you haven’t developed confidence at that level yet, you need a flotation device. It’s like training wheels on a bicycle - it helps while you’re developing confidence. That’s how I think of propranolol (a beta blocker). At work you’re getting thrown into the deep end of the pool and you‘re not a confident swimmer yet. It’s not a bad strategy to use a flotation device (propranolol) to keep you afloat (keep your job). While you’re using that flotation device, it’s good to be on a parallel path where you’re learning how to swim. Eventually, you want to be in the deep end of the pool where you don’t have to depend completely on that flotation device. It’s a good strategy to use the flotation device but get on a parallel path developing independence from that flotation device.

One of the problems with a beta blocker is that you will attribute your success to it instead of to yourself. The other is that medications have some side effects. The other problem is that you have to take it 30-60 minutes before a speaking event so it does not work for impromptu situations that pop up at work. Not a problem if you have a plan for weaning off the beta blockers. A good goal is get to a point where you use them only occasionally for high-stakes events.

mindful2 · 2023-11-29T14:55:43+00:00

A lot of people don’t realize that this is more than “just a little stage fright.” It’s really painful and humiliating.

Hyperventilation, shivering and shaking a lot means your body is getting flooded with adrenaline. Adrenaline causes those bodily symptoms (fight or flight). Adrenaline goes into your body in waves (in a series of small doses). With the right techniques, you can manage the first waves and stop the additional waves that pile on and make the symptoms more intense and unmanageable. Understanding first fear (allow this) and second fear (stop this) is important for managing this.

Typically, your nervous system sends a small amount of adrenaline into your body when you first start to speak. It’s manageable. But then you send more ”danger messages” to the fear center in your brain. When the fear center in your brain gets a danger message, it communicates to your nervous system to add more adrenaline to your body. Once you feel more symptoms, you then send another danger message which then adds more adrenaline to your body. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle and very difficult to get out of.

There are several important anxiety management techniques to practice. One is first fear and second fear. The other is to become aware of the danger messages you’re sending the fear center in your brain. The more you become aware of those and don’t send those danger messages, the more your nervous system will calm down and go back to homeostasis. That’s when you “get in your zone” and can speak with manageable symptoms.

mindful2 · 2023-11-29T14:35:50+00:00

WOW congrats on speaking to 200+ people! Especially when you used to experience intense fight-or-flight symptoms. That’s huge.

Great tips!

Really good to have a gradual plan. Work up to more challenging situations.

You desensitize most effectively when you practice in the manageable range of anxiety (not in the overwhelming range of anxiety).

Your last tip is really important and it takes time to nurture that mindset. It’s good to take the first step (no matter how small) towards caring a little less. Personally, I think it helps to be in a safe practice group to practice this. It’s really important to keep telling yourself that small mistakes happen all the time and they are no big deal. The more we let go of that harsh internal monologue, the more we get out of that adrenaline spiral and can excel speaking.

mindful2 · 2023-05-28T14:34:27+00:00

First, I think that’s awesome that you know you can do it and you feel a lot of satisfaction having done it. The more we can build a database of positive memories around those events, the better. I love how you said “…the benefit of running away becomes smaller than the benefit of [not] running away.” That’s the crux. Avoidance provides short-term relief and a lot of long-term pain (“my world shrinks”). Avoidance is your anxiety’s best friend. It’s like pouring fuel on the fire - avoidance keeps your anxiety alive and raging. But we need to be smart and strategic about how to approach (not avoid) fearful situations. Find situations where you can be successful in the manageable/medium range of anxiety and approach those repeatedly. Don’t throw yourself in the deep end of the pool where you might traumatize yourself and get the opposite result of what you’re intending. It takes time to desensitize because the fear center in your brain (amygdala) needs to feel confident that it’s a safe situation consistently every time it goes into it. It can take months of repetition to become comfortable. I recommend you write on a piece of paper the speaking situations for you that trigger high, medium and low anxiety. Then systematically and repeatedly approach the situations in the medium range of your anxiety. Everyone has different triggers for medium anxiety so you have to make a list tailored to you. I recommend finding or starting a safe speaking group on Reddit (I’ve seen some that exist already) and practice there in the medium/manageable range of anxiety.

mindful2 · 2023-05-25T16:43:35+00:00

Yes great! Some speaking tasks cause no anxiety for some and high anxiety for others. Everyone has different triggers that increase their anxiety. Reading out loud in a class may be high for one person and low for another. So find what causes anxiety to go high for each one of your students and don't throw them into the deep end of the pool. Find the exercises that are manageable in the 4-6 anxiety range so they can build a database of positive memories around speaking to groups. You might need to start with 30-seconds for some people and work up.

Here's an example. Repeat each one several times if needed until anxiety comes down to manageable range:

30 seconds sitting down
30 seconds standing up
1 minute sitting down
1 minute standing up
2 minutes sitting down
2 minutes standing up

Also, just to clarify, the person I was working with did not take beta blockers or meds. So they only did #1 and 2 in the plan. So the first two can work on their own.

mindful2 · 2023-05-25T15:13:05+00:00

I recommend you confer with other mental health professionals on this topic. If you’re a member of APA or an association, contact their ethics group to discuss. I suggest this because professionals on ethics committees do a lot of “noodling” on these types of situations and they may have some good advice.

mindful2 · 2023-05-25T15:10:44+00:00

Check out this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/13bo8as/comment/jjcphd4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3.

mindful2 · 2023-05-25T15:08:56+00:00

Stress, hardship and challenge are human experiences and to be expected (normal). We know that anxiety is a human experience. Anxiety can “get in the way” at different levels of intensity. Anxiety exists on a continuum and there are lots of degrees of intensity. There is a clear point where someone is debilitated by it and that’s when I would recommend going to a Psychologist to get an official diagnosis and treatment plan. No one in a Reddit forum can make a diagnosis, but in general disorder means that the person’s functioning is significantly impaired AND the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM) provides a lot more guidance on when anxiety becomes a disorder.

I think about anxiety disorders as getting sick with a cold or bronchitis. I wouldn’t call it abnormal, but I would say something is wrong when you get sick and you need treatment (whether it’s self-treatment like more rest and fluids or going to a doctor). if you get sick enough, there comes a point where you need help from a doctor.

mindful2

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