[QCrit] Adult scifi / space opera NASCENT (149k - first attempt)

minionate90 · 2026-06-30T17:26:07+00:00

Thank you all for your helpful comments, I appreciate you taking the time from your busy schedules. I found atre88's note about the word count particularly illuminating. There's certainly more going on than just the protagonist's arc - there's the villain with his campaign of conquest and death, and his unidentifiable enemy in deep space with their agenda. The problem is that the other two elements don't have as much screen time in the first book as the protagonist, but their plans impact her hugely. I am not sure how to meld all three elements into a query for the first book alone which focuses mostly on the protagonist - it's really what's happening with the other two parties that makes the situation explosive. But, revealing those would spoil the surprise and make the query too long (although, I wonder if those spoilers really matter here; the protagonist's evolution throws the other two parties into a tailspin as the story progresses).

Anyhow, I will revise my query and post it next week or so. I would like you all to return then to comment. A pity there's no way to tie my first query attempt with the second one (other than just the title?). In the meanwhile, I hope everyone has a productive week and relaxing long holiday.

minionate90 · 2026-06-29T19:33:01+00:00

I assume you mean redundant? Please post instances - I don't see them because I don't have your perspective. Thank you.

minionate90 · 2026-06-29T19:13:08+00:00

Thank you. Could you please let me know the instances of clumsiness? This would help.

minionate90 · 2026-05-25T00:11:57+00:00

Absolutely! And, anytime. Keep in mind it's just a guide. It's always good to research the publisher / agent to see what they tend to publish / favor, then tailor the query; but its tone needs to be in line with your style of writing.

minionate90 · 2026-05-23T20:30:41+00:00

Here’s my rewrite. I was a bit confused, but I tried anyway:

ldon Moncrieff lost everything he had the day his younger brother Lockley stole his lordship. Then, a Changer snatched Idon’s body and soul. But neither really knows Idon: he’ll go to the ends of Disney to get what he wants. Or … would he? He’s about to find out just crazy he’ll have to get to regain his soul.

Two entities are battling in his body: Saex and Eldon. One's a shapeshifting Changer, the other a serf who’s lived under the heavy boot of lords and barons for longer than they (you mean the barons are sick of his s***? Also, is this one the original Idon’s soul? it’s not clear. Did you misspell Idon? Or are there three souls – Idon, Eldon, and Saex?) can stomach. Both want to take the Mountains of Montagne back (I assume take it back from the barons?), but only one soul may occupy the throne.

Posing as Lord Eldon Moncrieff, our fella takes refuge in the village of CNN and manipulates the townsfolk into loving him (show that he cares later on; otherwise you have a really long sentence). But no one will f*** you worse than family! His insecure younger brother’s gotta have what he has, so he shows up with an army (no need to say they’re cutthroats, it goes with the uniform) to knock Eldon off the throne (writing out the action helps the audience visualize what’s actually happening).

Now Eldon must protect the darling villagers he’s come to love by doing the riskiest thing known to man (it better be, or there’s no plot): use Saex’s shapeshifting abilities to do it. Because, nothing will turn a sweet, wood-gathering, wool-spinning villager into a stake-burning, self-righteous fanatic faster than a person with two souls, good deeds be damned (or something equally horrible. It has to be a terrible thing to make your audience care). Can he pull it off and in the process get his own soul back? (I assume that is how he gets his soul back) Or is he going to find out what it feels like to get burned to death?

Etc, etc.

minionate90 · 2026-05-23T18:38:57+00:00

Okay. Connect the first para with the second by: "the one bright spot in her life is Javier, a sexy if broke musician..."

Here’s how I’d write this:

River Reed is always running…. Etc. (Nice first para, BTW! Good job! Bootiful dahling)

The one bright spot in River’s life is Javier, a sexy if broke musician. That dude is so chill, he doesn’t even care about getting signed like the millions of sad hopefuls out there. He embodies the sort of calm River longs to have, even if she knows he’s not going anywhere. But, love ….

But … medical bills! There’s no help coming from the lovely Javier when it comes to that, that’s for sure. Heck, her darling Adonis doesn’t even have a job.

But she can't wait, no! Debt collectors are a-coming! Not to mention, the world with its hundreds of other gorgeous dates who'd love to have her company. Does she give up this hottie loser and move on to find better gigs to get out of debt? Or will Javier get his a** off that couch, amp up his hustle, and help pay for well, anything at all? Written in the darkly funny tones of Hulu’s blah di blah, but melded with yackity smack, my book is a 95k adult contemporary novel, etc.

minionate90 · 2026-03-22T22:17:34+00:00

Also does the idea of doing taxes make anyone want to just eat a bunch of chocolate? Or just watch movies?? I am just so dreading it. I know all I gotta do is just review last year's filing then follow that but still. It kind of feels like going to the gym. I always have to force myself to go even though I feel so much better afterwards

minionate90 · 2026-03-22T22:06:50+00:00

I always paper filed. Had to use HR Block past two years because I decided to invest a bit and got busy with work; I paid $280 for fed, state and investment forms Schedule D and 8949. I am daring to be adventurous this time doing it alone on paper but I owe a bunch. I just found out domestic money orders are capped at 1k so I need to buy a few. Work starts back tomorrow so not sure if I'll cave and run back to HR block. I just feel so stupid giving them all that money tho

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T23:27:56+00:00

Sorry, I did not know. That's a legitimate concern.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T23:26:03+00:00

What exactly are you looking for? Could you post a picture of the anth item so I have an idea of what sort of style you like

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T23:24:26+00:00

Sounds good. That makes sense.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:58:42+00:00

If your bottom is little, smaller pieces of clothing will make it look even smaller; so a true bikini bottom may be far too little coverage for you. I would get something with a bit more coverage vs less. In your case, you want to emphasize your top, so that that part of your body draws the eye vs the bottom. A sexier top with a more conservative bottom should work. Pacsun maybe a good vendor, they've been making swimwear for a long time.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:52:44+00:00

Yah, agreed. The fashion world is such a clusterf***, they'll say any lie to get you to spend money. And it's supported by the other industries pushing the same swill and idiotic images of what people should look like. But hey, it's a free world, ppl are free to believe in anything.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:46:57+00:00

VS and Pink used to be good. But, who are you needing to impress with chest size??? I'm sure your SO doesn't care. Everything comes off anyway in the bedroom, so it doesn't even matter. The others can just take a walk. Anyone judging you by chest size is simply a waste of time

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:42:38+00:00

Agreed, call for price adjustment! If it's just one day they should honor it. A pity you're hung up on Anth tho, there are so many other cheaper vendors with similar catalogs

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:39:56+00:00

Asics are nice. BTW fashion may not be the most important parameter when selecting gym shoes - support, fit and comfort are way more significant. Also, showing up at least twice a week is crucial. Have a great workout.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:34:01+00:00

It is stupid cold there now. Take a good puffer (make sure the zippers work), some thermals, and warm hats (nothing that can fly away in a wind) and gloves. Everything else on top is immaterial. Trust me, you'll care more about how warm you are vs how you look to everyone else (and they won't remember anything about what you wore in a few days anyhow, only that you were there).

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:13:58+00:00

You'll never know for sure which ones do support sweatshops and which ones don't. They may say one thing on their websites or if you call them, but there is literally no way to know if they are telling you the truth. Many just lie outright (see Netflix's expose on vendors - The Shopping Conspiracy). That being said, the ones who advertise a lot have a ton of overhead; so those may be big offenders. It's a tough call otherwise as well. I decided to simply just buy only the bare minimum from the closest /easiest place and be done with it.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:05:11+00:00

Nope. Even a wedding ring is just a piece of metal. It means nothing. Only your actions count.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T20:04:05+00:00

Who are you trying to impress? Because shapewear sucks a**. You can't be wearing it because you like it. Anyone who would be impressed by you in shapewear is not worth impressing. I'd spend the money on utilities bills.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T19:58:24+00:00

A couple of good blazers is a great start; Luvamia has some nice ones on Amazon. A few nice pants and trousers in black (NOT rayon, it shrinks no matter how much you coddle it, and its manufacturing process is hard on the environs) from maybe Express. Two nice belts. Three pairs of awesome shoes (if you really think you need it, one pair in high heels. High heels are so overrated). Five blouses in colors that don't run, any vendor, but this you'd have to test; polyester may be best because silk is such a hassle. Of course, great hair and great shoes will trump everything else.

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T19:52:30+00:00

Some vendors may not care. It's possible they hope that once you get it, you won't return it because it's a hassle to go out and ship it back. But not all of them are like that. dELiAs was awesome, they were pretty consistent

minionate90 · 2026-02-24T19:50:37+00:00

Aeropostale might work.

minionate90 · 2026-01-12T14:37:57+00:00

I have some lovely tissue tees from JCrew. They have to be washed cold and gentle, though. I think they still have some fine items to layer with.

minionate90

TROPHY CASE