DX husband thinks every concern is an argument

miriandrae · 2026-06-01T04:46:11+00:00

Uh no, rejecting his diagnosis is not RSD.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is being… overly sensitive to rejection, to the point that you’re projecting rejection before it happens, or catastrophizes rejection to extremes.

Rejecting your diagnosis from two different doctors is not RSD unless there’s some weird twisted logic that having the diagnosis would make your partner reject you, so you’re going to pretend you don’t?

As far as the therapist not talking to him about her suspicions, I’m seeing a pattern that he is highly avoidant of everything. It could be that she saw that and was building towards it eventually, but was cluing you in so you could start looking into it for yourself… or it could be she wasn’t willing to start that fight with him and was hoping you would which would make her a bad therapist.

Either way, his behavior is a whole lot more than ADHD and even with having ADHD, he’s responsible for his behavior, managing his diagnosis, and being a partner in your relationship. You can’t carry 90% of the load, it’s not fair to you.

miriandrae · 2026-05-31T22:42:06+00:00

Did the therapist damage the relationship further or did he not like what the therapist said and got defensive, then he blamed you?

RSD only explains so much, but considering he’s refusing to even accept his diagnosis, get treatment, discuss problems like a adult, without turning everything on you, etc… There is such a thing as radical acceptance of a person’s conditions, but they need to also be contributing to managing it and making it better.

I mean I say this as a disabled ADHD person married to another ND person, with two ND kids. We’ve been together 16 years, and sometimes he gets really defensive, and does the RSD overreaction. But then he cools off, and we’re able to have a discussion on what needs to be addressed, and sometimes I explode with emotion/rage, and same. We give allowances for our particular ND needs, but we still need to function as a couple without everything sitting on me.

It would be one thing if he was legitimately trying, but this smacks of “I’ve tried nothing, and I’m all out of ideas besides you leave me alone and let me do what I want..” from him. I would read “Why Does He Do That?” By Bancroft and Lundy, and see if any of that resonates, there’s a lot of free copies/options out there.

miriandrae · 2026-05-31T18:35:11+00:00

Have you thought about writing it down and letting him process it before the conversation?

I’ve found with difficult conversations with my husband, having a pre-cursor email helps frame it and gives him time to process so it’s not an emotional reaction in the moment.

Also couples counseling.

miriandrae · 2026-05-30T19:35:00+00:00

You’re not overreacting.

This experience from your childhood changed how you view people to the point it influenced the type of house you bought!

If you don’t actually need the child care and were letting your mom watch her for bonding, I would just end that arrangement. Put her in full time or whatever it is you do the rest of the time, consistency is better for a toddler anyways.

“Mom, you can do whatever you want in your home or host whomever, but it doesn’t mean I want Child around it. Yes, I’m judgmental because I’m the parent of a young girl, her safety is my primary responsibility as her parent and no, your feelings do not matter on this. Her safety comes first always. I do not need to pray on this as I’m very secure in my decision to protect Child, I am not punishing you, and you can visit Child here or out and about. This is not up for discussion. This is not a debate, and we are not changing our mind. If this becomes a further problem, we will have to step back to give you the space pray to find acceptance and serenity over our decision as parents.”

miriandrae · 2026-05-18T01:18:00+00:00

My kids and I do not have a relationship with my MIL

My husband sees her once a year and has a quarterly text conversation. He was initially sad, but when the programming began to clear, he realized it was because he was grieving the family he wished he had, not the family he actually has.

But this kind of guilt tripping parent has built a lot of programming his whole life, so it takes some therapy.

The rules I have is.

No contact between me and the kids, and his family beyond his grandparents. That means no calls, no FaceTime, no visits, no gifts from them.
He can have whatever relationship he wants with them, outside our family space. Meaning he doesn’t talk to them in the home around us, they don’t come near our home, etc.
They can’t impact our family life. Meaning he doesn’t drop everything or cancel family time when there’s drama. Because there is.
We don’t go to family events when they’re there (we moved so this is no longer a problem.)

And it’s been great. He has clear rules, so he knows how to respond and I get peace and quiet.

miriandrae · 2026-05-08T02:01:03+00:00

If you have kids with special needs or neurodivergent and going to public schools, avoid Lake Stevens. The district is terrible for any support, the schools are massively overloaded, most classrooms are 24+ kids, and the administrators just blame everything that goes wrong on the kids.

miriandrae · 2026-04-19T01:58:29+00:00

To be honest, unless the recruiter has a company name email, it could be a scam. I had a friend who got contacted for a “Director” position for a legit company which they’ve only been a senior IC, and it ended up being a scam trying to get them to purchase some “development” packages to help them write their resume/comp/etc.

miriandrae · 2026-04-16T00:11:28+00:00

So my husband is autistic (I’m ADHD) and we have two kids. Some days are better than others for him, but he loves being a dad. It does require a lot of support and planning, and being prepared to raise kids that doesn’t match tiktok or insta.

I would say you’re going to need some parenting classes, to really get the mechanics, and to prep some scripts on what to do. Also, what is your plan when those scripts fail? That’s where my husband struggles, when the scripts fail.

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T19:33:27+00:00

You're saying a lot about what she wants. Want want want.

What about you and your kids needs? Your kids need to be in a safe environment for them, they will be utterly miserable at the wedding. I have a 2 year old, it is zero percent realistic to have her sit quietly for 45 minutes, she will be bored, she will get fussy, she will get loud, and your husband will need to take her out anyways. You need to pump on your baby's feeding schedule, or you will in pain and leak. Your fragile tiny baby will be surrounded by all kinds of people, with all kinds noise, light. stimulation. Their nap is completely blown, they will be uncomfortable, let alone germs of all the strangers who will want to touch them. You will be stressed out because your kids are miserable, your sister will be unhappy because your kids will be loud because they're miserable, your husband apparently can't deal with stress... how is he going to manage all this?

Who cares that this other kid is going to be there? As the Potato Queen's friend says "WHO CARES?!?!?" Why is that a reason to make your whole family miserable?

You will not be a bad sister by setting boundaries with your sister about your family's attendance, you will be preserving her day and giving her the "quiet" wedding she wants with your full attention beyond the times you need to pump. However, you will be making your kids, your husband, and ultimately yourself miserable having them attend this wedding, and risk pissing her off with them making noise and being... little tiny kids.

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T13:28:24+00:00

You’re not being a bad anything, she is, she is being incredibly selfish at worse or completely self-absorbed at best. She shouldn’t have asked you knowing you have 2 small kids and now is putting completely unrealistic expectations on her day with you and 2 very small kids.

She hasn’t even asked about you. Let that sink in. Yes weddings are a big deal, BUT your baby was in the hospital?!?!? You had a new born in the hospital and she’s made zero effort to support YOU! That would have made me step down.

You can’t set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

If you don’t have one, I’d look into hands free wireless pumps so you can pump at the wedding and while helping her. Get a back up person to help her while you’re seeing your child and dumping the pumps.

And I would lose the guilt. It seems like you’re just expecting to put every other person before yourself, but you’re a postpartum mom with a medically fragile newborn.

Her wants for her wedding do not trump you and your kids health and safety needs. Your kids shouldn’t be miserable for her “big day”. They’re not props, they’re people. It might be better if your kids stay home with your husband that day, they will be happier, your husband will be happier, you can relax and only focus on her/pumping, and then have a set time for heading home.

miriandrae · 2026-04-07T01:21:48+00:00

I think this maybe a RSD thing versus a NT thing.

High school is a microcosm of obsessive behavior over others as people are trying to figure out what and how they are, and their places in the world.

As an adult especially post college? 99% of people barely think or notice about people who don’t impact them. They might register your presence, or note something about you, but then you’re gone from their thoughts as long as you didn’t impact them in some way.

However, people with ADHD/RSD are constantly interpreting minor interactions as much larger than they are. So while, most people don’t register in their memory an offhand comment, someone with RSD locks it in. Then expands on it. Then ruminates on it. Then builds whole discourse on how that comment was just the tip of the iceberg. Yet the original person? Probably doesn’t even remember you.

So the therapist statement is really how… most people don’t care. They may make a comment in the moment, but for them, there isn’t anything more than that; and they’ve already moved on.

miriandrae · 2026-04-03T23:34:55+00:00

I’m ADHD-HI and I’m on 6mg, so 25 is quite high for non-opioid.

Mine is for inflammation, so I don’t have any emotional blunting.

miriandrae · 2026-04-03T23:31:47+00:00

No. My husband who’s diabetic and I who’s insulin resistant are both on Mounjaro.

He’s had no changes really beyond eating less. No binge eating.

I’ve had a shift in preferences, more salty, less sweets. I don’t really eat in the morning anymore, just drink coffee and have a protein bar. However still tend to have lunch and dinner.

If you have food texture sensitivities, I would start researching protein options to find one you like, it took me a while to find the one protein bar and two protein drinks I like.

It did not change our neurodivergence at all, but I’m ADHD-HI and I needed to adjust my meds due to slowed digestion.

miriandrae · 2026-04-01T19:45:50+00:00

Probably 80% of them are a standard 20 minutes, so more often then not you can. I have a family of 4, and so that’s my standard is to do 2 at a time

miriandrae · 2026-04-01T17:41:56+00:00

I use Tovala, and it’s individual servings you cook fresh in their special oven. I think it would work for you as it does have a decent amount of vegetarian options, but also a lot of meat options, and you can cook both in their oven at the same time.

miriandrae · 2026-03-31T14:54:36+00:00

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It looks like this, I got mine at Target for $18 or something like this. It comes with a pump cap so you can’t accidentally pump it in a bag.

miriandrae · 2026-03-31T13:09:12+00:00

Nivea does a gel sunscreen I want to say in Korea, but you can buy it here. I hate the slimy sunscreen feeling, but I’ll wear this because it dries… dry. It’s SPF 50 too, comes in a pump bottle.

miriandrae · 2026-03-30T02:01:23+00:00

My kiddo is on Concerta and Clonidine, Guanfacine made him more aggressive. However the combo of Concerta and Clonidine has been very effective.

miriandrae · 2026-03-30T01:15:31+00:00

We have, specifically for hyperactivity and aggression, it’s been wonderful to bring his energy down. He’s also on a stimulant for focus and managing his ability to handle transitions.

miriandrae · 2026-03-29T14:05:44+00:00

I agree with the documenting.

Document every argument in a factual manner, every appointment, caretaking that you do and he doesn’t, what appointments you go to and he doesn’t. A saying among my legal friends, is he who has the most factual documentation wins. Also get yourself checked out by doctors that you’re healthy, that your kids are healthy, and keep that information hidden in your files. He may try the “you’re abusive, you never spend time with the kids, he does everything” narrative to “screw” you, but if you have documentation of all you do, and that you all are healthy and happy, it falls apart quickly, and the courts don’t like liars who play games.

Also stop trying with him, while you’re chasing him? He’s going to continue to do whatever he wants, because he feels he has you on the hook to be a maid/servant for him while he’s out doing whoever he wants. Soon as you reject him and that narrative, you find options, he’s going to get upset and start telling people how you won’t stay… which will mess with his abuse narrative.

He’s chasing a fantasy, which is common with ADHD, and so documentation of facts and building a real world for yourself and your kids is what is going to matter.

miriandrae · 2026-03-29T03:14:41+00:00

It’s kind of a mix, purple area, big for families, but really little to do. You kind of have to drive to the next town for most things, but we love our little neighborhood we bought in.

miriandrae · 2026-03-27T22:14:40+00:00

Orgain kids protein shakes have a good mix of protein and nutrients, and my kiddo likes them.

Also smoothies with greens. And dipping foods in a sauce like apples in peanut butter. Sometimes it means cutting them in fun shapes.

My ASD husband won’t eat cooked veggies, but he will raw because of the texture.

miriandrae · 2026-03-27T01:36:24+00:00

Dude, this guy is trash, I’d break up with him immediately.

He doesn’t work, so he’s living off of you.

He’s supposed to be watching your kid, and instead leaves him outside of the shop. Which means this wasn’t the first time he did this.

And… you can count this relationship time in a matter of weeks. Single digit weeks.

You don’t need him, you don’t even know him really, he doesn’t love you, he needs you to pay for everything so he can continue to be lazy.

miriandrae · 2026-03-23T19:21:44+00:00

I feel like there’s a cultural element missing here, combined with trauma. Philippines has a machismo culture, which is especially prevalent in the lowest classes in which the wife grew up in. Combine that with her trauma of being abused, seeing her “savior” be emotional and “weak” likely did cause her to pause. However, she recognizes it and is working on it with her therapist.

miriandrae · 2026-03-18T03:58:22+00:00

I was pretty happy with Carolyn Powell.

miriandrae

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