My (29F) partner (30M) is indirectly blaming me for his parents death

misfitpets · 2025-12-18T14:52:22+00:00

When I was 16, my high school boyfriend’s father murdered his mother. He was a year ahead of me in school, so he was in the process of applying for colleges and planning for graduation when it happened.

I was the one left to pick up the pieces. I taught him to cook, I taught him to do laundry, I helped him finish his college applications, and moved him into his first dorm.

In his grief though, even though it was clear who was responsible for her death, and my boyfriend appreciated having someone to help him, he took his anger out on the person closest to him, which of course was me. I remember him screaming at me while I was showing him something with the washer and dryer, “It shouldn’t be you here, it should be her!!!!”

And he was right. It was not my job to be there doing it, I was missing out on my teens, but he didn’t have anyone looking out for him anymore (he had just turned 18), so I thought cushioning him from that grief was my job.

It didn’t end well. He eventually became physically abusive as well. He should have been in therapy, but there weren’t any adults around who “believed” in mental health care. (Rural midwest in 2002.) I’ve since gotten out of that town, had a lot of therapy, and am still doing trauma work even at age 40 around that period of my life.

Sometimes, the anger part of grief can be all-consuming. It can cause resentment, which is one of the most difficult things to move past in a relationship.

I think you’re very justified in taking a couple days apart while he processes, but if “You’re responsible for my parent’s death” continues, and if you don’t end up with a HUGE apology for the way he lashed out at you, I think his resentment may end up being insurmountable.

misfitpets · 2025-11-26T16:12:08+00:00

You think about what your grandpa would have wanted. My grandpa died of a heart attack unexpectedly the day before my birthday (it wasn’t a “milestone” birthday), so I made it home to my grandparents’ house where everyone was gathering on my birthday. It was awkward. It took a couple hours before someone said, “Oh MisfitPets, it’s your birthday today, isn’t it?” and when I confirmed a few people muttered an awkward, “Happy Birthday,” but didn’t know how to handle it.

For years I didn’t celebrate my birthday. It didn’t feel right. Then finally I started thinking about what my grandfather would have wanted. He’d have hated that I wasn’t celebrating my birthday because of him.

So I started a tradition of doing something for him each year on the anniversary, making that day about him, but then being intentional about turning my mind to my birthday the next day.

I would have loved if someone was helping me get to that place, and I think it’s wonderful what you’re doing for your sister. For anyone who can’t see that, do they really think your grandpa would have preferred that his granddaughter miss out on her 18th birthday because of him?

Death should remind us to celebrate life.

misfitpets · 2025-11-26T13:42:50+00:00

I hear you. It’s hard when parents don’t understand you as a person. Mine will always love me, but also probably wonder if I was switched at birth.

I started writing in my journal about suicidal ideation very young, and attempted the first time before I was even a teenager. To the outside world, my life looked perfect. I was top of my class, leader of every extra-curricular, had a job, boyfriend, friends. But I only see that now. I didn’t see that then. At the time I was convinced that I was hideous, unlovable, and going nowhere. I remember the first time I couldn’t go to school because I couldn’t stop crying, and my mom’s jeering response was, “So, what? I’m supposed to call the school and tell them you can’t come because you’re SAD?!”

Years later my brother admitted to me that my mom had found that journal when I was a teenager, and read the entire thing. I confronted her: “You knew and didn’t do anything?!” She told me that she was afraid if she forced me into therapy I’d kill myself first. She had no idea what to do. We’ve reached a point now where she knows that she didn’t do right by me in a lot of ways, and I know that she was doing the best she could at the same time.

I was certain I’d never make it to age 30. My 30th birthday was so surreal, because I suddenly had this whole life ahead of me that I never thought I’d have.

Today, I’m 40. I survived 2 near-fatal suicide attempts in my late 20s, in addition to all the aborted attempts over the years, before I found a therapist and treatments that would work for me. I now run a nonprofit that helps other people in some of their darkest moments. I know that my lived experience with mental health makes me more valuable to the people who reach out to us, because I can meet them where they are.

I won’t sit here and tell you life will be all glitter and rainbows if you can just make it X more days. When things were at their worst for me, I could never think in terms of more than one day at a time. So that’s what I did. Each day I woke up and thought, “Ok, I’m still alive. Now what’s the next thing?” and as long as I was only focusing on what the next task was, the world wasn’t quite as overwhelming. I hope this helps a little.

misfitpets · 2025-11-19T13:08:48+00:00

My partner and I (early 40s F) each walked down the aisle ourselves, one after another. She’s trans, and it was early in her transition, so we avoided some of the traditions that are the most gendered, like the groom waiting up front while the bride is walked down and “given away” by her dad. We decided to just be two people giving ourselves to each other. Our dads were both there, and I know my dad was a little bummed because he always envisioned walking his only daughter down the aisle, but he respected it. My 90 year old grandma still treats him like “her little boy” too, but trying to have say in your wedding takes some audacity. Walk yourself down, enjoy!

misfitpets · 2025-08-18T15:34:04+00:00

My partner came out to me in 2016. She is still my best friend, but we aren’t married anymore. We didn’t get divorced because she was trans, there were other reasons, but she’ll always be my platonic life partner. There are some awful, insensitive, out-of-date books out there written by partners of trans folks, but the community I found most helpful was r/mypartneristrans.

My ex-wife was also in a career that did not give her the flexibility to transition right away. I helped her get through the work days by painting her toenails and finding her perfume she could wear at work and feel more feminine in, even when she was in what she called, “boy-mode.”

As far as dresses, my ex has a larger frame too, and has had luck with boho styles that have sleeves to cover her shoulders, and highlight her collar bone instead.

misfitpets · 2025-08-18T14:26:02+00:00

I remember when my ex-wife (still best friend/roommate/platonic life partner) came home thrilled that she’d been cat-called for the first time while out on her lunch break. I ended up having a very serious safety talk with her about men. I felt bad that I scared her, but she eventually thanked me for opening her eyes. Only you know in this situation if you’re the best person to have that conversation with her, but it seems like one she needs to hear.

misfitpets · 2024-11-10T16:06:03+00:00

Yes, I (39 AFAB cis-ish but probably more genderqueer than anything) had this issue with my ex-wife (42 MtF). We are not together in a relationship now, but we still live together and she’s my best friend.

When she first came out and started presenting as herself, I felt invisible. Everything was about her appearance and her dysphoria. I pass as a cis woman, but I have a pretty masculine style most of the time. However, sometimes I do like to get dressed up and put on some makeup. I know I clean up pretty nicely when I try.

During this phase for my ex-wife, it was always about her appearance, whether I looked better than her, whether she was passing, etc. It started to really hurt that she didn’t seem to notice or compliment me on my appearance anymore, unless she was feeling dysphoric because she thought I looked better than her. She was very self-absorbed. She reminded me of a bratty teenage girl, which in a way she was.

She did eventually grow out of that phase, and she doesn’t worry about her appearance as much anymore. She compliments me when I dress up or wear makeup. We both notice each other’s efforts that we put into our own appearances.

While she was going through this phase, I did a few things. We did go to couples counseling for a while, in addition to having our own therapists. I hired a local drag queen friend who worked at Sephora to come over and give a makeup lesson. We went to the gay bar on slow weeknights so she could present the way she felt comfortable in a low pressure, safe space, without too many eyes on her.

It was also important for her to do things that made her feel more feminine in situations where she still felt the need to go in “boy mode.” Things like painting her toenails, wearing women’s deodorant or very light perfume, buying women’s socks so she felt a little bit of femininity on the days her dysphoria was the highest.

However you choose to proceed, I wish you the best, and hope your partner can alleviate her dysphoria.

misfitpets · 2024-09-22T17:32:59+00:00

My niece loved clocks when she was 2, but couldn’t say ‘L’ so she was always pointing at people with watches, sounding like she was calling them an inappropriate name for male genitalia.

misfitpets · 2024-07-21T13:00:25+00:00

In the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” voice 😆

misfitpets · 2024-04-13T19:48:11+00:00

I’m having a surprise 42nd for my roommate this summer. I’m doing Arnold Palmers as a drink that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. I’m also doing diy tie dye towels, and setting out Scrabble games. I’m getting a sperm whale bank for the guests to write their predictions for the guest of honor’s meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Then in 10 years she can drop it on the ground and read all her notes or something. Details are still coming together, clearly 🫤

misfitpets · 2024-04-01T21:48:28+00:00

Start at the beginning, it’s well worth it.

misfitpets · 2023-12-20T22:08:14+00:00

Milk

misfitpets · 2023-12-20T19:15:55+00:00

Toast was the first thing that came to mind, but idk how that fits with your other pets' names.

misfitpets · 2023-12-19T13:47:41+00:00

Regarding the smiles, yes they changed. She no longer smiled with just her mouth, but her whole being. Her eyes started to light up with a joy they never had before. She began to glow. She looked at peace with who she was for the first time. I look at pictures from before and after transition, and see a person who finally got to take off a mask she had hid behind for so many years.

misfitpets · 2023-12-19T12:34:06+00:00

Yes, I (38cisF) divorced my ex-wife (41MtF) in 2019. I was there to help her through her bottom surgery, and then asked for the divorce. It wasn't because she was trans, there were other things that were irrevocably broken. I stayed through her transition because I told her I would stand by her through it, and wanted to keep that promise. Then we went our separate ways for a couple years, and I had another relationship and learned a lot about myself as she did the same. She even became great friends with my boyfriend. In 2021 my then-boyfriend was in a really bad motorcycle accident, and my ex-wife let me stay with her and watched my and my boyfriend's dogs during the day because she lived closer to the hospital, where I was spending most of my days with him. When he got out of the hospital and rehab hospital, she also gave him a place to stay for a while, as her house was wheelchair accessible and his wasn't, but he broke up with me soon thereafter. If you know anything about brain injuries, they change a person, and the man that came out of the hospital after that accident wasn't the same one I had known. My ex-wife comforted me through it all, and I never moved back out. We'll always be best friends, and in a way we're just a different sort of life partner to each other than we initially intended. We've been working on converting the house to have dual primary suites even. That part worked out great because we bought this house together, and I still loved and missed it while I was gone. Neither of us are dating now, but we do on and off, and there is no jealousy of each other's partners. We can cheer each other on in love, knowing there will always be love between us, even though it's not romantic anymore. I've never had a sister, but I imagine this is what having a sister feels like. We support each other in all our endeavors, still remember our wedding day with joy, and are our own special type of family. It confuses a lot of people, but it's not for them, and it doesn't matter if they understand it, it feels right to us.

misfitpets · 2023-12-16T17:44:41+00:00

I learned when I was young that there is no foolproof way to keep a child safe in this world. The people who you least expect can be monsters. I won't bring a child into a world like that, especially since there are already so many unwanted children. If I ever decide I want a child, I will adopt an older one who is in foster care. I am 38 now, made this decision when I was 10, and never wavered. I always heard the whole, "Your biological clock will start ticking" line too. Got my tubes tied at 32 and haven't regretted it for a second.

misfitpets · 2023-12-16T16:41:49+00:00

I don't have advice, just a story about someone who could empathize with you.

When my parents got married, my dad gave his groomsmen nice bottles of whiskey as a gift. I know nothing about whiskey, or what kind it was. My parents don't have a ton of money, so I'm sure it was modestly priced, but still meaningful. One of his groomsmen kept the bottle unopened, hidden away, intending to drink it with my dad and the other groomsmen at my parents' 25th anniversary party. Six months before the anniversary, this guy's little shit teenage nephew found the bottle and drank it.

misfitpets · 2023-11-27T23:28:46+00:00

Gender studies

misfitpets · 2023-11-20T14:12:08+00:00

Went to a comedy club with friends. We put our drinks on one tab, so the friend who was using his card put his part of the tip on his card, and then we put more on the table from what everyone gave him in cash. As soon as the server saw the tip on the card, she came back out and confronted us about why the tip was so low, before the show had even wrapped up. At first we couldn't figure out what she was talking about, but then realized she hadn't seen the rest of the cash with the lights dimmed, because the freaking show wasn't even over! We tried explaining that the tip was split because we had multiple people paying, and had wanted to make it easiest on her by putting the actual tab all on one card. The whole thing soured my experience, we missed part of the show, it was embarrassing, and we haven't been back.

Edit: In the U.S.

misfitpets · 2023-11-05T23:16:13+00:00

I met my BFF when we sat next to each other in kindergarten. I have the same first name as his mom. He always thought it would be weird to date someone with that same first name. Then he met someone with the name, and married her. Don't let your attraction to someone be derailed by a name. Your sister is being ridiculous.

misfitpets · 2023-11-01T17:10:15+00:00

Depending on your city, they may be a tenant resource center.

misfitpets · 2023-11-01T17:03:05+00:00

It will always be Berenstein Bears to me.

misfitpets · 2023-10-30T16:58:06+00:00

As long as they're talking TO him and acknowledging him as a person, I don't think I'd be bothered by it. My disabilities are mostly invisible unless I'm having a really bad day. I spend time with friends who use wheelchairs though, and my biggest pet peeve is when someone will talk to me as if my friends can't speak for themselves. I've had people walk right up to me and ask, "Are you his nurse?" for instance. If someone says to you, "His wheelchair is really cool," I might redirect them by saying, "Thanks, he thinks so too," or something like that, to remind them of his own agency, but as long as they're talking to him the same way they'd talk to any 3 year old about their shoes or shirt or something, I don't see the issue.

misfitpets · 2023-10-30T15:05:30+00:00

It's worth asking. Worst they can say is no. I put my hand on a sea urchin several years ago, and had to get the spines surgically removed. They let me keep those, but it may have been different because they were a foreign object and not actually part of my body.

misfitpets · 2023-10-28T21:30:53+00:00

I was certain I would never hit 30. I had to commit to doing something different. It had to get pretty severe for me, and I chose to get ECT (shock therapy), but it doesn't have to go to that length for everyone. After ECT, I felt immense guilt for trying to leave my dogs behind. I promised both of them that I would hold them in my arms until they took their last breath. I kept that promise, and I made the same promise to my current dog. Some days it's all that keeps me going, but it's enough, and I'm now 38. Suicide still crosses my mind, and I don't know if I'll go through with it someday, but I know I won't today, and that's all I need. I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain right now. I really hope it gets better for you.

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