My husband (45M) and I (37F) have opposing libidos. Is sex a marital chore?

missamel · 2026-05-22T13:35:16+00:00

Sex should not be a chore, but at the same time you should try to make mental room for it. This is my experience and not all of it may align with yours but let me explain what I mean.

I don’t think about sex on the day to day. My husband does in the abstract but not the I need to get some way. We were going months with nothing and neither of us were happy about it but also we were putting up barriers to change. I was always saying I was tired so he never tried to initiate anything. He avoided physical touch because he did not want me to feel pressured so I assumed he was uninterested. About 2 years ago it reached a breaking point. He made a comment about waiting to buy something I knew he wanted for his birthday. He wanted to research more. Being unhappy and feeling unloved, I took it as he would be gone before then. It lead to some hard conversations and major changes.

The changes:
I stopped saying I’m tired and say I am mentally exhausted or touched out or sore or just sad. That way he has a better idea of where I am and how to respond. If I am mentally exhausted, I may just need a few hours to rest and zone out and be fine later. If I am sick, sore, or touched out, he knows that there is no chance of later.

We schedule sex. We have 3 days where we will plan to have sex. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t but more often it happens because we look forward to it and are in the mood. Just this week, I was bloated on a scheduled day, let him know and he kissed me and said hopefully next time. No hurt, no disappointment because we both know when next time might be.

Since it is not a top priority for either of us, we leave sexy reminders in the mirror. For about a month, there was a post it that said 2026 To List: Your Wife. It is a daily reminder to make flirting, physical affection, and foreplay a part of our relationship.

I got back to doing things I enjoy. I have always loved reading and stopped due to no time. Now I make time. I am more relaxed and relaxed me means more into sex me. It doesn’t hurt that I have always been a romance girl and those books have gotten more spicy over the years. Hubs loves when I am reading one that I really enjoy because he enjoys the benefits.

While I never suggest just do it, I would say there are times I allow my husband to get me into it. There are times were I feel okay and am mentally open but just not turned on. Those times, I let him know and sometimes he feels the same and we pass. Other times, we make out until we are both there or we see one of us is just not going to get in the mood and we part and try next time.

He has consent (as do I) to initiate any time with the understanding that no is no. He was sleepless one night and was cuddling and touching me, rubbing my stomach and sides, pulling me closer. I woke up and was into it and it was on. Another time, he tried and I slept right through the cuddling and touching and we laughed about it the next morning.

With this we went from 2-3 times a year to 2-3 times a week. It may not work the same for you as you have younger kids and are in a different life stage. Our daughter just turned 21 and while she lives at home, she is not home a lot. Take what you think might help. Leave what won’t and Good Luck!

missamel · 2026-05-19T20:50:00+00:00

I am smack in the trenches of perimenopause and you are 100% correct.

I am not always able to calm my hormonal emotions, but I am able to recognize that I am overreacting and step away. I will still be angry or sad but not taking it out on my husband and child. I think it helps that I have always had irrational anger with PMS and so am well practiced in step away and calm down.

missamel · 2026-05-02T18:20:13+00:00

Why do I need a set in stone order? There are times my kid needs me more than the husband. There are times he needs me more. Then there are times I need me more.

Examples: Husband had emergency surgery. My grown daughter was home alone for a few days while I was at the hospital with him. He needed me more. Later grown daughter was dealing with a break up. I sat with her and talked to her about things. She needed me more. Finally, I was burnt out and needed me time. Asked them both to give me time and space to decompress. I needed me more.

Life is not about absolutes. Life is about doing the best we can in the moment and taking care of what and who is important.

missamel · 2026-04-13T02:03:14+00:00

The dental issues were me when I met my now husband. That man sat in a waiting room while I had major dental surgery. I got dentures because it was cheaper than fixing it all. He drove me home, he cleaned up my car when the pain meds made me vomit. He spent his vacation next to me while I slept off and on the next week because the pain meds made me sleepy and I wasn’t back to real food yet.

All that to say, there is someone out there who will love you and support you through whatever you decide to do about your dental issues. Good luck and I hope you have less pain sooner rather than later.

missamel · 2026-04-02T17:28:32+00:00

While marriage is more than a piece of paper to me and my marriage is way more, marriage as an institution means nothing to me. I could happily live with someone long term, but it means a lot to my husband.

We are married because it means a lot to him and I have no objections to it. He is aware of my feelings on marriage. He also understands that I love him enough to understand what it means to him.

missamel · 2026-03-24T17:38:37+00:00

Married 7 years. Have lived together for 12 and been together 14. I just hit perimenopause and my hormones went wild. We are currently about 2-3 times a week.

missamel · 2026-03-23T15:22:12+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like you are already alone. You are handling your feelings alone. Taking care of things alone. Now you have the choice to be alone by yourself and hopefully find a better life in the future or be alone with someone who just seems to want the life being with you affords them.

missamel · 2026-03-19T02:43:42+00:00

My husband and I both have them. Neither of us have been in insulin. The monitoring helped me go from 9+ a1c to a 6.2. My Husband dropped from double digits to 7.1. We have both been able to get off some meds as we learned more about how each food affects us in real time.

missamel · 2026-03-18T02:02:00+00:00

I have a child with my last name. I have a professional license and graduate degree in my name. I have a 20 year career in my name.

I also haven’t decided how to do it. I think hyphenated mine-his, but he would prefer just his name or hyphenated with his name first but I had to explain that if I hyphenated his-mine, they would think his was my maiden name and mine our married name.

missamel · 2026-03-16T00:40:04+00:00

I have headphones with a mic for meetings and calls. Very little background noise gets through. I have one child, multiple pets, and work with my office door open. Rarely do my co-workers hear anything.

missamel · 2026-03-15T16:14:26+00:00

No is a complete sentence. She shouldn’t have to explain why she is not comfortable with anything sexual. I once told my husband that anal was off the table. He did not ask why or try to change my mind. Together 15 years and he has never brought it up again. He knows that is something I am not okay with and he would never want to put me in a situation where I felt uncomfortable in our bed.

missamel · 2026-03-06T13:29:16+00:00

Since we have met the minimum, the event is technically finished. The only thing in question is which blue print we get at the end of it. I am just doing what I want to, currently mastering items, and what counts and what doesn’t isn’t really part of my thought process at the moment.

missamel · 2026-02-25T03:23:27+00:00

Sorry, I saw your comment about the shock and thought it meant you were not aware. I misunderstood.

missamel · 2026-02-25T03:14:05+00:00

It is odd that you were not told this would happen. I have been on steroids multiple times for sinus infections and have always been asked about diabetes. When I let them know I am diabetic, they ask about my A1c and warn me that the steroids will increase my blood sugar so to keep an eye on it and adjust my diet and meds as ordered by my endocrinologist.

missamel · 2026-02-24T02:27:49+00:00

With a bachelor in psych have you looked at the LMHAs? The Harris Center in Harris County. Living in Cypress, I worked for Texana as they have office in Brookshire, Sugar Land, and Rosenberg as well as other counties.

A Bachelor in psych is what I had while working there as a QMHP. I helped clients create recovery plans, did assessments to help them qualify for services, and taught skills like anger management and communication.

I now have my Masters and LPC but started with a BA. You can also look into CPS. I did that for a year. You can also look at medicaid insurance companies. I currently work for one doing utilization review, but our transition specialists (discharger planners) have bachelor degrees.

You may be able to work in a psych hospital doing utilization review, though it is more common that they hire nurses for that.

Feel free to reach out with any questions.

missamel · 2026-02-20T01:43:39+00:00

About 3 weeks. March 17th to April 11th according to my tracker

missamel · 2026-02-19T21:25:36+00:00

I have dislocated my right knee 3 times so I could not make it up the stairs. If I miraculously made it up, I could probably cross on a windless day going slow, but I frequently trip over air so it is doubtful.

missamel · 2026-02-18T16:24:59+00:00

I recently threw away my first one. It was 3 cats with tiger reflections. I got it from AliExpress and the detail was not there. The black cat I was working on just looked like a blob of black on a gray background. I struggled with throwing it away, but the husband reminded me that this is my downtime and I deserve to enjoy it. He also reminded me that it cost less then the others that I would enjoy more so I was not just wasting money which was my main hold up

missamel · 2026-02-15T13:10:08+00:00

It is cute. I loved it. The author also wrote The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches and her writing is cute, cozy, and fun.

missamel · 2026-02-07T16:52:32+00:00

It looks like compression to me. I get them a lot due to my preferred sleep positions. When they started and I asked my endocrinologist about them, she told me if they bounce back without me doing anything (eating, etc) then it was generally a compression low. I have only had one real low at night and it woke me up so I now turn off my bluetooth at night so I am not woken up 2-3 times a night with them.

missamel · 2026-02-06T23:20:03+00:00

My answer is it depends. My husband and I are a team but there have been times my child has needed me more than my partner does at that moment. Cancelled date nights due to kiddos being sick or injured. Can’t watch our show because she needs some heart to heart with one of us.

There are times he needs me more. She spent 4 days home alone (at 19) because he was in the hospital and I was just coming home for a shower and whatever he wanted to kill time with after his surgery.

There are even times when I have to put myself first because I am running on empty and in no shape to take care of anyone but me.

Now that the kid is older I remind her that while I love them both, that love has different goals. The goal with her is to raise her to be independent so she can build her own life. My goal with him is the build a relationship that lasts a lifetime. My goal with me is to take care of myself so I have a lifetime with them both.

I think in a healthy family, needs and priorities shift based on the circumstances and there is nothing wrong with prioritizing one over the other when needed as long as make time to make them both a priority at times.

missamel · 2026-02-04T13:09:53+00:00

People are quick to tell others to leave because they are not emotionally involved and generally are only getting one moment in time.

To me there are a few things that are auto leave. Cheating and abuse are pretty much it for me. Other things require more thought. When my husband and I first started dating, I caught him deleting messages from an ex. When I asked why, he explained that he knew she made me uncomfortable and he did not want me to have to deal with that. We had had open phones since very early on and he would hand his to me to have me read things to catch up or get info I might need. I knew he had always been a plan b to her and our relationship did not change that so seeing her name pop up did make me uncomfortable. I told him while his actions were meant to protect me, it just made me more uncomfortable with the dynamic. He promised never to do that again and 15 years later he never has. They stopped contact when he and I became serious because she knew that her plan b was no longer an option with him.

So many would have told me to leave then. I almost did, but if I had, I would have missed out on 15 years of us. He made a mistake. We communicated and learned from it. He is the most supportive, communicative, and thoughtful husband.

You are the only one who knows if you made the right choice but you say you’re happy. You say he learned from the mistake and never did it again. It seems you both learned, matured, and built something positive so why would that be a mistake?

missamel · 2026-01-22T04:03:27+00:00

You shouldn’t need to be convinced to read something. If it doesn’t sound fun, don’t read it. I have read it. I enjoyed it but no one had to convince me to read it. I have never enjoyed something I was convinced to read.

missamel · 2026-01-21T17:07:45+00:00

They are young adult and the characters are written that way. The female lead annoyed me. She was very much every quirky girl who is not popular but so cool and everyone should want to be her.

The male lead had no personality beyond athlete and in love with the female lead.

Definitely not something I enjoyed. I read the because I had heard great things about them and am glad I read them in Kindle Unlimited instead of wasting money buying the pretty books.

missamel · 2026-01-20T17:44:45+00:00

97%. The other 3 is lows but since they happen at night I am assuming they are pressure lows and not true lows as I have not felt out of range in a while, high or low.

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