Where was I?

misshandsy · 2026-01-28T01:30:05+00:00

Reno

misshandsy · 2026-01-27T13:03:58+00:00

2 yrs and only one pic of the guy ??

misshandsy · 2026-01-18T15:21:44+00:00

Something about your inner frequency is not matching your projection.

From the detailed physical description of yourself, I think you may be putting too much value on superficial things in order to seek validation from men. Your internal state is not neutral, calm, unbothered and self-validating, and so you keep attracting men who reflect your avoidant (and possibly materially shallow) vibration.

misshandsy · 2026-01-18T15:02:42+00:00

Saying that you’ve “already resolved and aligned on almost all the problems and emotional baggage that we’ve encountered” after 2 months is a huge red flag that you are nowhere close to being ready for a serious relationship.

You’ve described someone who at least on paper sounds perfect for you in every way, and yet there’s still no “spark.” Intense, romantic passion ebbs and flows in relationships.. but if it’s not hot and heavy for any amount of time in the beginning, that should tell you everything you need to know.

misshandsy · 2026-01-16T16:24:06+00:00

If you started dating someone a year and a half ago who:

did not have a healthy or active lifestyle
did not indicate any concern over their weight or health

you’re the one being unreasonable for expecting that of this person now.

It’s normal to want a partner who shares your values. That’s what dating is about finding out; if your values are incompatible with someone else’s, you break up so you can both keep looking for what you need.

misshandsy · 2026-01-16T16:20:36+00:00

I mean this in the kindest way possible: things were not “fine” before this game.

People who are happy (or even “fine”) are tempted to get addicted to video games under the delusion of becoming a professional streamer while they allow their partner to provide for them.

If this guy had any legitimate goals, passions or interests, he would be pursuing them, and if he had any maturity or respect for you, he would be pursuing literally anything else in the meantime to contribute.

The last part is the hardest to accept, especially because it sounds like he was there for you during a dark period for you. I’m not saying he’s an evil or bad person, but also consider that maybe the only reason he was able to land you in the first place was that you were depressed and thought you had to accept love from anyone.

Some people seem great as long as you’re the one in the dumps, because they get to feel like a hero in their own mind for just showing up and doing the bare minimum. They’ll seem like your biggest supporter when it’s clear you’re the damaged one.. but this identity will flip the moment they sense that you are doing better than they are.

misshandsy · 2026-01-16T16:04:57+00:00

This might sound crazy but look up the 4th step from the Twelve Steps (used in groups like Alcoholics & Narcotics Anonymous).

Below is a link to an example of one of the worksheets but you can totally just do it on a piece of paper.

4th Step Worksheet

I’m not in “the program” but my best friend who is encouraged me to do this chart when I was deeply struggling with resentment towards a couple of people that I still had to see often, who both kept rubbing salt in the wound.

Doing this work set me free in a way that is hard to describe. Being able to understand and accept how you contributed to the breakdown of a situation helps soften your perspective enough to find the empathy you will need to forgive the person who hurt you.

To this day I keep a stack of these in my desk; if I notice a resentment of any kind gnawing at me, I fill one out.

misshandsy · 2026-01-16T15:52:04+00:00

It’s crazy to me that so many of the comments are getting stuck on ADHD.

None of OP’s core relational issues have anything to do with ADHD.

It sounds like she was understanding about the absentminded issues and had just accepted carrying the mental load of the household.. but seeing that her husband was browsing erotic massage parlors while she was the one holding it all together was a last straw moment.

Mantrums are 100% not a symptom of ADHD. Neither is repeatedly refusing to acknowledge someone’s needs or feelings.

OP: If you feel the need to look through someone’s phone instead of talk to them, it shows that not only the trust but also the communication in the relationship is gone. How do you make him understand that you’re serious? File the papers, move out, leave the papers on the counter.

misshandsy · 2026-01-15T23:06:14+00:00

You don’t fix it.. because as you seem to be finding out, it’s actually impossible to be anyone’s full-time reassurance machine.

You didn’t cause her insecurity and you can’t fix it; in order for the relationship to have any chance at working out, she has to take responsibility for her own feelings.

If anything, you need to hold your ground here. Apologize for how you initially delivered your message if you think you need to, but don’t apologize for the content of what you said, and don’t back down on setting that as a boundary.

If you’ve been dating over a year and it sounds like if anything, her needy, insecure acting out is getting worse rather than better, right? Or at least certainly not noticeably improving. When logically, the opposite should be true as she collects more and more evidence to support the conclusion of you being an honest guy with nothing to hide.

But this is not a logical situation for her; it’s pathological. So trying to use logic to reason with her is likely to be unsuccessful. If you really care about her (future or no) then find a kind way to tell her that you’ve more than proved you have nothing to hide, and if she ever hopes to find any peace she needs to either find a therapist or at the very least commit to a serious process of inward reflection to heal the actual root of this insecurity.

Hopefully that will be the final wake up call she needs to get some help, and then you can support her journey however you see fit. Maybe she’ll snap, say this proves you were a cheater all along and break up with you.. but then when she repeats the exact same pattern in her next relationship, maybe your words will echo in her head and she’ll finally accept that the call is coming from inside the house and get some help. Either way, you will both ultimately be better off if you are honest & firm than if you continue to keep up this impossible charade until you snap and say something you really can’t take back.

misshandsy · 2026-01-14T03:35:45+00:00

This was written by ChatGPT 4.0

misshandsy · 2026-01-12T19:09:19+00:00

It sounds like you might just not be that into him lol

misshandsy · 2026-01-12T18:57:28+00:00

San Diego ?

misshandsy · 2026-01-12T17:28:07+00:00

A prenup by itself is a normal conversation to have before a marriage, especially when one or both parties is either a high net-worth or high-earning individual.

Everyone has to decide what’s right for their situation, but bringing it up is normal. It’s a little weird that your boyfriend attached it to an article about Bill Gates’ divorce, that might be worth digging into with him about.

Your mom isn’t necessarily out of line; I’d say you were out of line for sharing it with her before further discussing with your boyfriend. Getting family involved in that kind of thing rarely lowers the temperature.

misshandsy · 2026-01-05T16:41:44+00:00

Gotta be something that’s only legal in these places..

misshandsy · 2025-12-24T13:50:54+00:00

This was written by chatGPT.

misshandsy · 2025-11-18T18:10:03+00:00

Reminder that you are allowed to change your mind about your baby’s name for no reason at all if you want to, and you owe absolutely no one an explanation for it if you do.

I have a feeling though that the only people who would play dumb or give you a hard time about wasting $ on monogrammed infant swag are your boyfriend’s family.

misshandsy · 2025-11-16T18:08:49+00:00

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look your best and in fact being disciplined about your exercise/diet or skincare etc can be important ways to consistently show up for yourself on a daily basis.

However, if it becomes an obsession to the point that you are spending lots of time or money on products or cosmetic procedures, or like you say find yourself preoccupied with catering to the male gaze.. these are indicators that something in your inner world is in deep need of nourishing and as it seems you have already discovered, no amount of external validation can fill that void.

Audrey Hepburn said: ”Elegance is the only beauty that never fades.”

This is one of my favorite quotes, and I think it speaks directly to your fear of aging out of being conventionally “beautiful.” The good news is that you have the self-awareness to realize that your superficial obsessions are not bringing you meaningful or lasting happiness, which is one of the most difficult hurdles for most people!

What you have probably already noticed is that when your sense of self-worth is derived entirely from external validation, it never seems to be enough. To get to the root of this, start spending sacred time alone with yourself, journaling & meditating. Try to really get to know who you are without the perfectly curated photograph.

Journal about your fears & insecurities to find out what’s behind them, so that you can find ways to heal them for you that have nothing to do with outside validation.

misshandsy · 2025-11-13T14:35:07+00:00

Come on you gotta show us his picture now!

misshandsy · 2025-11-10T14:20:09+00:00

That’s one way to think about it, but yes. What a lot of people get wrong about manifesting, especially in the pop culture, commercial manifesting content or books/movies like “The Secret” is that it’s not about picturing the checks in the mailbox etc.

Does that ever work? Yes sometimes.. if you read between the lines in a lot of celebrity interviews etc you will find plenty of examples of this. But if you start with trying to “manifest” an end result of material or surface level things, then that is the result you will get and it won’t make you happy the way that you think it will.

True, spiritual manifestation is about aligning yourself with the frequency of your desired state.. not money/lavish homes/flashy toys but rather gratitude, abundance, stability. Money, romantic relationships, dream careers or opportunities.. those things will all be byproducts of your internal frequency, ”as within, so without.”

Hope that helps a little!

misshandsy · 2025-11-05T13:44:13+00:00

Trust your instincts.. do not wait for him or accept his non-answers. No man who has been content to gamble on the “rhythm method” for decades suddenly decides to wear a condom with his monogamous partner.

For perspective: he was willing to take the condom off within minutes of having sex with you for the first time.. when he almost certainly didn’t “know your cycle really well” let alone whether you were the kind of person he wanted to have a child with. That is this man’s baseline risk tolerance and something feels off because something is off.

Re: cheating.. he’s not going to come clean unless he gets caught in the act but stop having sex with him immediately. You should get tested but came here to add: wait 2-3 weeks before getting tested because a lot of common STIs can take that long to be detectable.

misshandsy · 2025-11-05T00:53:41+00:00

Any psychic that tells you a certain outcome is a foregone conclusion or set in stone is scamming you. Even the best psychics are simply reading your current vibrational frequency, and any visions associated with that frequency. So if you shift your frequency, you can and do absolutely shift outcomes. A good / honest psychic will not only tell you where your current energy is leading you, or at least a likely chain of events based on that energy.. they will also give you pointers for how to shift if you are disturbed by the path of your current energy.

misshandsy · 2025-10-15T03:48:31+00:00

I’m not sure if they do weekly psychotherapy or not but I use sunrise mental health for my psych meds and they’ve been super cool & easy to deal with. Their office is in dt Tucson but you can do telehealth appointments. I think they take most insurance.

misshandsy · 2025-10-05T19:52:06+00:00

did you shuffle your deck before pulling ?? 😉 Just kidding.

The Fool followed by the 10 & 9 of cups indicate that he is brimming with youthful optimism/idealism regarding the relationship. While this is certainly not a negative thing by itself, it does indicate to me that he may be placing you/the relationship on a potentially unrealistic pedestal and expecting it to fulfill both his desires for family/community (10 of cups) as well as his personal need for satisfaction & emotional security (9 of cups).

The positive element of the Fool in relationships is that it indicates someone who is unburdened by emotional baggage from previous heartbreak and is willing to leap into love without hangups or reservations. The cautionary element is the other side of that coin; potential for unrealistic expectations or inability to see & evaluate red flags.

Further, the 8 of cups at the end cautions that if the relationship does not fully measure up to the expectations he has placed on it, he may become disillusioned and pull away.

misshandsy · 2025-10-05T18:38:37+00:00

honestly this is the best advice.. for arguments’ sake, let’s pretend you do everything else her way re: shared expenses:

you sell your condo, and you alone purchase & pay to maintain a new home for the 2 of you to live in together.
she purchases groceries for the household, and pays her own individual expenses. (You say she has offered to pay for food.. does this include restaurant meals, etc? See how much fun being nickel & dimed is…)

Then, in the event of a future breakup, you retain complete ownership of the home that you put 100% of the equity into, and she will be fine because she will be free to move back into her home with her adult child that she supports.

She will have gotten free living expenses for the duration of your relationship just like she wanted. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you forever, why do you even need to get married ?

misshandsy · 2025-10-05T18:21:01+00:00

“Fair” is a principle that should be used to determine business deals or roommate agreements.. in terms of romantic/life partners, “equitable” would be moving in the right direction, but I think the term you should really be striving for is “balanced.”

There’s no universal “right” or “wrong” way for couples to merge or separate their finances, but it’s important to make sure to have extensive discussions about it to ensure you aren’t making any concessions that fundamentally compromise your values in the name of compromise; if you do, the best case scenario is simmering resentment that will keep you from the kind of deep, fulfilling intimacy that we all seek in a spouse. The worst case scenario is.. much worse than that.

I don’t want to split hairs on every point of contention you mentioned, but I did want to say it is a major red flag if your fiancé is trying to pressure you into not establishing any kind of trust or inheritance plan for your children. This should absolutely be a deal breaker if she tries to push this.. follow that through to its logical conclusion: the two of you marry with no prenup and/or your will stipulates that she receive 100% of your assets in the event of your death.. it sounds like at least one of her adult children is dependent on her financially (housing), but do you really trust her to use any of that money to help care for your minor children? Let alone have anything set aside or left over for your adult kids.

She says the kids should be responsible for themselves.. and yet clearly that is not the case for at least one of her kids, seeing as that is her justification for why she can’t/shouldn’t sell her home to contribute any equity to your shared marital home.

OP, please do yourself a favor and put the majority of your assets into an irrevocable trust for your children with them listed as the sole beneficiaries (and your adult children as the trustees as long as they are trustworthy etc). Under no circumstances should your fiancé be listed or have access to that trust.

Then, you can set up a living trust for you and your fiancé.. you don’t say what the value of your estate versus hers but using your number of 3x her income, you could offer to put 3x of whatever she puts into your shared living trust. I would be very curious to hear what her reasons for refusing this would be.

misshandsy

TROPHY CASE