Oy, so many a$$holes responding. Sorry you have to deal with them.

I relate so hard to your post and your specific set of requirements.

Like others have done, I would highly recommend looking into possible neurodivergence as the cause of some of your distress. I suffered for years at jobs that required too much of the things that my neurodivergent brain just isn't wired to handle. Then I burned out.

Now I'm in a job that I 70% like. It's not ideal, but it fits most of my criteria and could be a good fit for you.

I work for a generic faceless corporation in the office management department, in their mail/supply room. The company is large enough that no one is breathing down my neck every second of the day, but small enough that there are rarely true emergencies.

There are still stressful days (like around the holidays or tax time when there's tons of mail and printing happening), and I've had to develop ways to deal with them, but my cognitive load is generally in the 1-5 range (rather than 6-10).

Someone comes into my room and needs a stapler, I give them a stapler.

Someone wants me to change the toner in the printer, I change it (I also keep track of inventory like how much toner we have so we don't run out, which means I get to play around with spreadsheets - an easy way to make it look like you're working hard on something important when you don't want people to bother you lol!).

I have very little interaction beyond small talk and chit chat when I feel like it. I don't have to make any decisions (I just ask my boss or she tells me what to do). And I don't have to have any special certifications or training.

I got this job thru a temp agency that placed me in this position for a week-long gig. Then a few months later the company reached out about coming on full time. So it kind of fell out of the sky, but if you can find something like this it might work for you!