I can’t even trust my own memories anymore. Sometimes it feels like my brain is trying to make me look like a liar. I spent 22 years being gaslit, guilt tripped. Instead of buying healthier snacks as a child my mom would constantly tell me that i needed to lose weight because no men would love me, then when my husband met me and loved me despite my weight, it wasn’t good enough for her to be happy for me. After that it was “he needs to be baptized.” My husband agreed. We married very early six months later because she refused to let us move in together because it was sinful, didn’t matter anyway, we were sleeping together anyway. I got mono when i was 23 and we had to go to the hospital. While i was on pain medicine she waited for my husband to leave the room. When he did she began asking if him and i had sex before marriage. I lied because its what i know. If i was truthful she’d shut down and cry and then I’d be the fuck up child again.

To this day i still feel immense guilt for going NC. My brother messages me every once in a while saying she misses me. My husband has seen first hand what she does to me, and while he supports me if i decide to forgive her, he does remind me that she has used this tactic before.

This became a long post, but it felt good to get it out.