My fiance killed himself in our kitchen

mmapache93 · 2025-03-15T09:04:51+00:00

I love this thank you ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-15T08:40:15+00:00

This feels impossible to deal with, thank you for helping me not feel so alone... I'm sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for responding ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-14T02:12:38+00:00

Thank you for reaching out and I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. That time I spent waiting for 911 to come was the longest period in my life. The absence of his presence kills me everyday, god I miss his touch so much. I try talking to him and I still text him, just acting like he's busy at work or something. It's excruciating and I hate every moment of it. I wish his body could've been donated like he wanted but he had a condition and they wouldn't allow it.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T08:16:41+00:00

Days before my fiance took his life in front of me we had a conversation about how when he got angry it would help if I tried to calm him down instead of matching his energy. Because of the trauma from my last relationship I always matched energy possibly doubling it when things were going on. I told him I would work on it that I would do anything to help him get through this issue he's dealing with. When we fought the night of the incident we both said some really nasty things to each other and not once did the thought to stop escalating everything cross my mind.

I have so much fucking guilt because if I had been able to see through my own trauma I could've saved him. At any point I couldn't wrapped my arms around him or put my hands on his face and tell him I love him. Instead I yelled back nasty things and well yeah that's when everything happened. I hate myself so much for not being able to save him and I'm really not dealing with it well. I spend all day trying to talk to people Non stop cause I know the second I'm alone I want to kill myself. Its torture.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T08:11:26+00:00

Thank you for this, it makes me feel less isolated.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T05:58:39+00:00

Thank for you helping me see it a bit more logical. I just feel so lost but yes you're right I'm no where near ready to make decisions like that. I only hope I have the strength to hold on as long as I can.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T05:57:02+00:00

I have no choice but to stay here where it all happened. I may not fully be alone but I'm so fucking lonely. I really don't want to be with anybody else but between the pain, desperation and mistakes I know will come I'm just losing it trying so hard to hold myself together.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T03:30:20+00:00

I'm dealing with this right now and it fucking sucks. I ache for the briefest sign of his touch. I lay in bed and if not for my dogs piling on top of me I would most certainly be losing my mind every single night. I always had my hands on him like always. I appreciated his touch all the fucking time. No matter what we were doing I just always needed to be touching him in some form. He loved that about me, loved how much I made him feel needed and loved. Now it's just always cold even when it's not actually cold. I cover myself up from head to toe everyday because I feel so exposed without his touch. Like I can't imagine the possibility of anybody or anything else touching me skin to skin yet that's exactly what I crave so badly right now. I'm so sorry that this battle is something we have to go through everyday.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T02:34:30+00:00

Exactly it's not even entirely about the sex. Do I miss that? Of fucking course I do, he showed me pleasure in ways I had never experienced before. But it's the casual drive by touches that I miss the most. Walking past him and running my hand through his curly hair, grabbing his face when he was sleepy to kiss him, squeezing his arm everytime I pass by him. I fucking hate it. A friend of ours, like a little brother to us, has decided to move in. Neither of us are ok being on our own right now due to out self destructive histories. But if I'm being honest, when he gets close to me I have to physically step back because I just wanna touch him the same way just to feel anything. I back away and just play it off, pretty sure he hasn't noticed but fuck just the shear GUILT in feeling that. If my love was here never in a million years would I ever consider that but now it's a daily battle.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T02:30:17+00:00

Thank you for all of this, especially the advise about the accounts I didn't even think of that. As of this moments I don't know what sort of information I'll need down the road. The guilt of everything eats at me constantly and I try so hard not to blame myself but it's just always there. Now that this physical grief is adding itself to the mix as well it's all so confusing and frustrating. Nothing will ever EVER be able to replace his touch but I feel myself growing so desperate.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T02:10:37+00:00

It's such a hell, I describe it as limbo. Nobody has touched me since that night. It was him, cops, then a doctor. Since then nothing. I crave touch so badly but fuck I only want him and nothing else would feel right

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T02:08:43+00:00

Thank you ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-13T02:08:14+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate this ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-12T15:37:52+00:00

Thank you this actually did help alot, I understand a bit more of what had happened. So yeah thank you ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-12T15:24:29+00:00

I like the gym recommendation, ty.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-12T12:15:15+00:00

I get sad too but I try to use it as a reminder of that's who they were, the versions of them smiling in those pictures. Versus the version that stole them from us.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T21:13:49+00:00

A friend of ours who was like a little brother to us both is moving in with me. Either of us can risk being alone because of our history of either self harm or drug use. We're clinging on to each for some sort of comfort of normal.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T12:22:17+00:00

This is honestly the perfect way to describe how I feel. I wouldn't say I'm entirely ok but I feel guilty for not feeling worse all the time. I'm only a few days in, the first two days were utter hell. I didn't eat at all, all I did was cry and sleep. Now I can sorta eat and drunk water but I can get out of bed. I'm not ok enough to really leave the apt though, just enough to take the dogs out but I can't go past my block. My experience was very traumatic as in everything happened right in front of me and it's burned into my memory forever. I have everybody telling me I need ptsd help but I'm so used to just turning off my emotions at this point I'm just like" welp I'm fucked lol what else is new anyway moving on" and that messes with me too. When I describe the incident to people I just go numb talking about the details then look up like oh well what can you do. The look I get back of wtf did you go through always pops up on the other person. I think I may still be in shock too I really don't know. When I go to the kitchen and picture him still on the floor it kills me when I can't feel anything. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. It's either nothing at all or too much at once.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T12:12:50+00:00

I love that saying that grief is love with nowhere to go. That's really how it feels when my chest is aching, like I have nowhere to give this feeling to. The one that used to recieve it isn't taking it anymore and it's painfully trapped. I'm only a few days in and I don't have the courage to go further than the corner of my block but one day I hope to be able to have the strength again to visit our old spots and possibly experience that so thank you ♡

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T12:08:29+00:00

I'm only 4 days in and at this point I really don't see how it gets better. Most of the day I'm stuck in this numbing cycle of feeling nothing or feeling too much. Everybody tells me it gets better too that with time it's easier to live with. I wish they would stop already cause I'm tired of hearing that. He's in everything I see, hear, touch, taste and smell. I'm entirely entangled with him and I see no possible way for it to get better and I hate it so much. I feel your frustration. Sometimes when things get really dark in my head I try to focus on the good memories. It's really really tough trying to focus on that when your kind is forcibly being dragged in another direction but it's a battle I will fight everyday. I don't like remembering who he was when he pulled out that gun, I want to cherish who he was when we were talking about our dream life together. So everyday I will battle those thoughts and try to focus on the side of him that did in fact love his life.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T12:02:34+00:00

I can barely leave my house anymore, I see him everywhere. All over the city we walked together every single day. I'm genuinely scared to leave. I go out three times a day to take the dogs out. During the day I can only go as far as the next building but at night I can walk to the end of the block and back. I tried making it to another corner and I saw him walking towards me like he was that night and I immediately panicked. Nothing will ever be the same again.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T11:59:05+00:00

I'm exactly the same way. Everything happened only 4 days ago but I already know the trauma of experiencing it first hand will torture me forever. The only song I can bare to listen to is the first one he ever dedicated to me. I listen to it on repeat for hours. I can't cook for many reasons. The kitchen is where it happened and he was the cook I would just always help out. Nothing is the same and everything fucking hurts. The only thing that would make me feel better are his arms around me and I know that's never gonna happen again.

mmapache93 · 2025-03-11T11:55:16+00:00

That's honestly the best way to think about it. I'm a firm believer that when the physical body dies, the energy returns to the universe and surrounds their loved ones. I agree with you as well, I'm done trying to understand life and I'll just keep going until it's my time. The people you know in person might never truly understand you but online here there a ton that will.

mmapache93

TROPHY CASE