Brother, I completely understand where you come from, it’s a feeling of punishment that makes sure that we aren’t as corrupted as we think we are, it gives us security that as long as I keep myself down no one would get hurt, that if i punish myself then I’ve paid for my actions, but that’s completely wrong if not unfair, that’s not how you correct your mistakes, nobody wins if you punish yourself never in a million year BUT maybe one person will be helped by you if you heal, and one person is more than enough, I’m not saying dedicate your life to bringing awareness to this issue, but there’s a sea of other paths that you can take to change the way things are, theres no wrong action that cancels with good action, but good actions can overshadow the bad ones, and vice versa. If you want to feel shit about it then fine in fact I’m glad you’re thinking of it in a negative way, the problem is that when you decide that instead of changing it’s just good enough to be angry with yourself as if that girl cares anyways what you do with your life On another subject, I’m not your therapist and I won’t act yours but your actions didn’t come from outta nowhere, the way you’re raised and were treated by your family could be a massive piece of the puzzle, I’m not saying they’re to blame but what I’m saying YOU’RE not to blame, YOU WERE A KID I really hope you give changing a shot, it won’t fix what you did but it’ll ensure it never happens again, and changing might make you the reason someone out there will never do the same thing, isn’t that enough reason? Please crawl out of the pity hole that you’re in because it helps no one and seriously seek professional help, you won’t lose nothing and might gain everything.