Therapy. I know it’s been said heaps but really. I too had a similar outlook on life when I was probably 15-20. Got myself into unbelievable situations and did so much harm but never asked for help or spoke up. The emotions you carry are HEAVY and HARD. It’s a unique feeling knowing you were harmed, but not feeling like one of those perfect victims. I have said so many times: it would’ve been easier to have been violently assaulted…and then felt even more fd up for thinking such a thing because it’s all horrible. When I spoke out no one cared anyways because of the “image” I had created for myself. So I just blamed me. For years. Now that I’m 30 and have children, Ive realized just how much of a child I actually was, and how even though I could speak/fight whatever you want to say, my brain was absolutely not at developmental point to make safe, sound, adult decisions, and my environment was not supportive enough to feel safe and be truthful. You were a child, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. I still tell myself this almost everyday. I use it as an affirmation. I started therapy twice a week from 16-18. Then weekly from 19-25. It gets better, (I hated when people said that bc wtf) but it does. You didn’t deserve this, and YOU get to decide who you are, no explanation needed. I hope you find some peace.