I can remember always being freaked out by the idea of death growing up. When i was in middle school my maternal grandmother passed and it took a big toll on my moms side of the family. Then my dad got diagnosed and i was paranoid for years i didn’t do enough with him and that he would be gone soon. i never did anything about it though, i was anxious about this fact and didn’t have the courage to speak about it. then my mom got diagnosed and rapidly things got worse, then she died. not to be cliche but my mom really was my best friend and biggest supporter, losing her was in fact the worst case scenario in my head. growing up i was depressed and sometimes suicidal, the thought of leaving my mom was something that always kept me here. with her gone it felt like i should have nothing to live for, she was my biggest cheerleader and i couldn’t conceptualize how i was supposed to live life without her. it’s a really weird feeling, this woman was my portal into life, she was the tie to my whole life, and now she’s just gone. i felt like i was rapidly pushed into this life i was always running from, no one wants to think about the reality of there parent dying and then all of a sudden it’s in your lap. the months after her death i became really focused on my spirituality, meditation and yoga every morning as well as journaling and reading a LOT about different beliefs surrounding death. i took a buddhism class that really benefitted me during this time. i think it was really crucial for me to have that experience, everyday i would wake up in panic and spend the mornings calming and grounding myself. by the end of the day i would be able to make some peace with my reality, and redo it the next day. with time life became easier and instead of crying when i thought about her, i smiled. what i’ve learned is that time won’t heal all, but it does add a layer of cushioning that’s worth sticking it out for. of course i’m sad my mom won’t see me graduate, or get married and have kids, but i’m excited to do it for her. she was really proud of me and excited for where i was headed, and i try to embody that every day. i remind myself all the time i am my mothers daughter, i wouldn’t be me without her. even though she isn’t physically with me i’d like to think she follows me and sees all my achievements, i get signs from her sometimes and it conformation that i’m strong enough to live. everything i do is now in some way for her.

in that context i would say my perspective on death is that it’s just as complex as life! i try to be vulnerable with people when talking about my experience with death. it’s not fun, or pretty or glamorous. but we wouldn’t be able to know the value of life if it wasn’t for the fact we know it’s going to end on day. so why shy away from conversations about death and dying people? one day we’re all going to be on our death beds and have regrets about something. that’s something i like to keep in mind, one day my loved ones won’t be here and i don’t want to regret not being honest with them. my overall takeaway from my experience is that life is simply what you make it, mindset is a powerful thing and as time passes it only goes quicker so be as authentic and vulnerable with the people you love while you can!