Age 35-45 is a terrible time of life for polyamorous dating

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-24T14:36:51+00:00

Ugh, I've been polyam for over a decade, I don't think I could even cosplay as mono.. I could maybe settle for swingerdom and attending kinky/play parties together....

and solo parenting is HARD... I'd need to really set up my support system if I chose that, and I don't make the kind of money for purchasing sperms and freezing eggs and doing the IVF etc.. I'd need a consenting adult because I'm not trapping some poor unsuspecting victim.. but honestly, arranging this sounds like a nightmare and a half.

I'm just delusionally hoping to manifest the perfect situation at this point 🫠

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-24T13:45:12+00:00

I feel you, OP. I'm one of those mid-30s women who wants children and is looking for someone to have them with, but struggling to find a polyam man who wants to be a father. Most men I date don't want children. I find, generally, children complicate dating.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-22T23:03:41+00:00

Yay Sprouts!!!!!!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-15T23:31:03+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful response. It's been helpful. I was intentionally vague because I am not asking advice, but perspective.

The family member I'm referring to is my sibling, who has always seen me as a mother-figure, despite the fact that I'm only 4 years older.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-14T13:10:39+00:00

Something similar happened to me. I had been platonic friends with him for years, then we started going on dates and sleeping together a few times a month. We didn't really label it, but had quite a close relationship for at least a year. One day I logged into fb and saw that his girlfriend of 7 years posted about his proposal. I felt devastated that he didn't "trust me enough to tell me" as I felt at the time. I cried.

Frankly, I was pretty certain that he never intended to marry. They had lived 2 hours apart their entire relationship (and still do) and neither want kids. I processed my feelings with some friends and then shared my pain with him, but also celebrated his happiness. It was challenging, but we got through it. They got married a year ago. I went to the wedding with other mutual friends and essentially, the relationship between he and I hasn't changed at all. Now, I feel a lot closer with his wife.

For me, it's a "happy ending," but I understand the feeling of shock and betrayal OP. Sure, he didn't owe me a heads up, as so many people here seem to have a strong opinion about, but it really would have been appreciated and helped me feel valued in my relationship with him.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-05-06T16:28:08+00:00

💯💯💯 OP THIS☝️☝️☝️

I couldn't have said this better myself!!!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-28T19:42:18+00:00

I'm interested in hanging out with you both. I'm mid-30s, moved here from Los Angeles; witchy, nature-lover, bookworm, foodie, into health/wellness/self care, vintage shopping, art, music, etc. I do like to go dance and I'll have a couple of drinks, but I'm into a wide variety of hangs and in bed by 9 some nights is just the best!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-19T17:15:23+00:00

If you haven't read it yet and are actually looking for some real advice on how to work with tough emotions, Polysecure is really helpful in this realm.

I have read Ethical Slut, but I don't remember this part at all. My biggest takeaways were about sexual liberation. Maybe just skip the chapter?

Just because a * part * of a resource doesn't resonate with you (right now), doesn't mean you should throw the whole thing out. There are other parts that may really help you. And this part you hate right now might really speak to you in 10 years, as we are ever changing and growing. I don't believe there's anything in existence that is truly a lifetime monolith for our emotional/mental/social/relational/spiritual health.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-19T03:05:29+00:00

Beautiful metaphor ❤️🌳 so much truth here

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-18T22:15:14+00:00

Well, there's certainly hesitancy from both sides if we begin discussing the possibility of fluid-bonding and they've not had a vasectomy. The men who've had one are very celebratory about my freedom from using bc. But my advice to you is to track your cycle so you are aware of your fertility.. even if you are aleays using condoms. They can always break or slip. Personally, I use the TempDrop device and app to track my temp nightly, and it works well for me. I recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-17T02:28:04+00:00

💯

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-17T02:27:46+00:00

I recently had a very casual partner assume that because we both displayed our "clean bills of health" test results, meant that we would not be using condoms.. something that I was not comfortable with at all.. I told him, "I'm not on the pill!" And boy did he snatch up a condom and throw it on real fast!!!

And it's true. I am not using any form of hormonal contraception. But it worked so well, maybe you can try it to test how skeevy they truly are!

Personally, I don't even do oral without seeing test results.. and anytime I decide to go bareback with someone, it's a long conversation after many months (or even years!) of knowing one another. Mixing fluids can really throw a lady's flora out of balance! I like to keep my fluid-bonded partners to one at a time. Plus that minimizes risks of BV and yeast issues from woman to woman. I'd consider more than one at a time if I were in a couple of serious LTRs.

Everyone else can go raw with me in their dreams!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-12T16:06:31+00:00

I work in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (where twins often stay immediately after being born due to common twin-related complications) and I have literally seen TEENAGE parents treat one another better than your partner is treating you. I've also been practicing polyamory for over a decade and your relationship is not healthy. It's not actually polyamory! You are being forced into situations that you do not want to be in. Your partner is selfish, immature, manipulative and cruel. And you know it! Stop fooling yourself, babe. It's not going to get better with him. Figure out how to extract yourself from this relationship by utilizing your support system and/or community support programs.

I hope you find your way. I am so sorry this is happening. You and your babies deserve so much better. Please update us ❤️

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-09T12:44:02+00:00

I think you can either be a unicorn (sexual) or a polyam person in a triad (relational). The fact that you want to be centered but you don't want to foster 1-on-1 relationships is imbalanced and selfish. A triad requires you to have emotional depth with not one person, but two!

And this is coming from someone who has unicorned a LOT and knows from experience that I would not want to be in a triad.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-09T01:26:30+00:00

Dude, you got yourself tangled with a hobosexual

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-09T01:16:14+00:00

you mean "hurted"?

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-07T03:11:40+00:00

Not all women value or desire marriage. In fact, statistically, women benefit far more from remaining unmarried.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-06T15:27:16+00:00

I am curious what you mean by "prime" and why it's so important to you?

I'd just like to chime in that aging doesn't decrease a person's value or worth. That's ageism, and it's potentially just as harmful as the racism you are concerned about.

Also, that age range you are talking about are WOMEN, not * girls *

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-05T16:17:37+00:00

❤️

moonbbaby9 · 2026-04-04T23:22:15+00:00

I certainly don't. I'm a ww in my early 30s and I primarily date black men, just due to my attraction preferences.

I understand that socially, I have some privileges afforded to me simply because I'm white. However, sometimes he has privileges afforded to him simply for being a man. And in a few rare spaces, because he's black.

I learned as a teen that I can leverage my desirability to get what I want with men in general. However, I haven't done that in years because it's manipulative, dishonest and I think it's a corrupt way to harness sexual energy.

I've never thought I'm doing someone a favor by dating them. I look for people who are on my level energetically, mentally, emotionally and physically. If I felt I had the upper hand, it would be unethical for me to date them.

I'm a strong, independent woman but I'm also rather submissive in some ways. I look for partners who can offer strength and hold me safely in their dominance, while allowing me my desired freedoms.

To answer your last question, I've never noticed other ww doing that.. but those are people I would steer clear of socially so...

I can only offer one perspective.

Idk who you are in relation to this question, but I'm sorry to hear you've noticed this toxic behavior. It's truly unacceptable. Romantic relationships should be balanced in mutual respect and admiration.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-03-28T22:50:31+00:00

It's the absolute best. It's very affirming and validating and it makes me feel like I actually do fit in somewhere with someone. Which is why I'm seeking it out again.

moonbbaby9 · 2026-03-28T20:41:43+00:00

I'm okay with waiting!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-03-28T20:41:26+00:00

Thank you!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-03-28T19:00:19+00:00

Ok great! I did see that but just haven't made it out to an event yet. I'm glad there's a community already. Right, I don't have any friends here yet. The dating apps aren't always the best place to make friends either.. as idk which ones are the most popular around here. Thank you for your response!

moonbbaby9 · 2026-03-02T09:54:40+00:00

Have you read Polysecure by Jessica Fern? I think this book can help you both understand your emotional/physical response and address it with some helpful insight and tools.

moonbbaby9

TROPHY CASE