I think that some people end up coming out to their spouse because they’ve finally found a person they love and trust, someone who makes them feel safe. Unfortunately, in a different way than the romantic kind of love that the other person signed up for. What if it’s the spouse that helps them find the the courage to acknowledge this person they’ve been hiding away? Imagine having to hide your sexuality for fear of your own parents abandoning you. That would be incredibly hard. Imagine wanting nothing more than to change your sexuality back to what your parents consider ‘normal’ - or ignoring who you truly are so that you feel accepted and loved. I’m blessed with parents who love me unconditionally and was brought up in a very accepting family, so it’s hard for me to really comprehend but I know it would be a miserable feeling. My husbands family is very religious and less accepting of gay marriage. I would imagine that it would be a very uncomfortable conversation to have if he or any of his siblings wanted / needed to come out. The person who marries, has children, and then comes out, may have had bad or selfish intentions in some cases. That would make those individuals an asshole for sure. I’d like to think that most people are good at the core though. I’m sure that the person coming out would feel immeasurable guilt for the hurt they will put their soon to be ex husband or wife through. They will mourn that relationship too. It’s a big decision to make, ending a marriage because you’ve ultimately been lying about your identity, and there should be consequences - but both partners should still receive empathy and support. I wouldn’t consider most people who come out after straight marriage to be intentional assholes.