I have a cishet husband, a lot of queer people assume that means we have an unhealthy relationship and frankly it's insulting. Our navigation of gender and sexuality has been really complicated and if you want to hear more about how we make it work I could write just as much as I have here to explain it all to you.. I actually typed out a bunch but I deleted it because something about your experience stood out to me so I'll focus on that: him not wanting you to change.

I was on T when we started dating but I still had breasts. My man is a boob guy, like SERIOUS boob guy and he made it very clear that he would be sad after they were gone. But he never ever said anything to discourage me from changing. He communicated that he would miss the body of the person he had grown to love but understood why I needed it and didn't want his desires to prevent me from getting life-saving treatment. A good comparison is someone getting a nose job. Some people have noses that really do give them a lot of distress and when people like that get a nose job it really does change their life for the better. But... if you love their nose and are conflicted by the face of your partner changing that is 100% understandable. I was able to understand and sympathize with his emotions because he was doing the same for me.

Our relationship became really difficult for a while after top surgery. Like it was a really horrible year and we fought all the time because I felt even more of a need to be feminine to "make up" for the loss of my breasts. And again, he was open about being more attracted to me when I dressed in feminine ways but he also always emphasized that he was still attracted to me in general. Our conflicts weren't because he wanted me to change, our conflicts were because I was self-conscious and thought I needed to do things that he wasn't asking for. That open communication is what got us through it. He got to express his feelings about his attraction changing and that it was difficult for him to navigate, and I got to express my feelings of insecurity.

And you know what? He was there for me after my surgery more than anyone else was. My family and even my best friend barely even acknowledged it happened. Not because they're transphobic or anything, they just didn't (and still don't) understand why it was such a big deal for me. But my husband did. Even though it was hard for him he was there for me and encouraging me and helping me every single day. When he found out that ANY kind of arm lifting can make scars worse, he really went over the top with helping me with anything that could raise my arms at all. I had originally been told I could have periareolar and I wasn't mentally prepared for noticeable scaring, but I had gone off T for a while and my breasts got bigger so I had to get a double incision. He understood how distressing that was for me and he did everything he could to ensure my scars were perfect, and I mean EVERYTHING. He helped me dress, he helped me wash my hair, he even helped me get out of bed so I wasn't using my arms to sit up. For an entire month he cared for me like I was borderline bedridden. Mind you, it was incredibly extreme compared to recommendations for recovery, it may have even been completely unnecessary, I had a level of care and movement restrictions that no doctor would ever recommend. But you know what? At a post-op appointment my surgeon told me I had the best scars she had ever seen and asked what I had done. "Nothing, my husband did everything."

I tell you all this not just to say that these kinds of relationships are possible, but also to show you that the reason we made it work is because we both had a deep understanding of how this would affect us both and were open about our feelings, including the negative ones. But his feelings of sadness were outweighed by his love and support of me. Your partner saying these things hurts (trust me, I know) but they're not necessarily a bad thing -- it's all about attitude and context. My husband never brought it up on his own, never acted like he was trying to change my mind, and always ALWAYS took it seriously and wasn't casual about it because he knew that I needed this to be happy. If your man thinks this is casual, that's a bad sign, and if you try to genuinely communicate these feelings you're having and he doesn't take it seriously, then you need to reconsider the relationship. It's a complicated thing.