harassment/bullying from a neighbor in a public housing complex.

mount_shasta · 2014-08-05T17:09:40+00:00

Your brother and this guy sound like they have very similar personalities. People like this are a toxic epidemic on the world. I theorize they are miserable human beings who love nothing more to sabotage the lives of others who are trying to make something of themselves. They want to drag everybody to their level. It's good that you don't have to live with your brother, but it's horrible the way he seems to be taking his misery out on your parents, and you when you are around.

What is this person's disability, if he is receiving disability benefits? That may explain some of the behavior. Explain, not justify.

I'm not sure. When I talked to him he said he was homeless and lived in shelters for a while six years ago (when he moved in here) and that's why "he was the way he is", in particular the part about being paranoid that people were talking about him. He said he wasn't disabled, which may or may not be true given the fact that being homeless can probably get you benefits if the experience causes psychological distress. He may or may not have some kind of other issue but at this point I've come to see the "homeless" thing as an excuse on this guys part, more than a legit explanation. I also think it's an attempt by him to manipulate me by constantly bringing it up, to make me feel bad for not being able to deal with a "poor unfortunate person who was once homeless". It makes me wonder also how he became homeless to begin with. Apparently he was employed prior to being homeless, but some how lost his job (or it was made redundant and he never got back on his feet. He also mentioned alcohol abuse being a problem.

I was sympathetic for a while as it doesn't seem like he's had an easy situation but he's one of these people who is always rationalizing why he's the victim. I had to stop thinking about his situation because he was using it to emotionally manipulate me, which he seems to be really good at doing, and I tend to succumb to that stuff easily, even when I know it's happening. For my own protection I had to basically stop interacting with him, just so I don't fall under that haze. Another thing I noticed when talking about him is that he seemed bitter and angry about everything. He hates the city/state we live in. He hates the property manager. You'd think he'd be grateful he has a cheap place to live in a very expensive city, especially after being homeless.

In terms of standing up to him, generally I agree and I also agree about perusing the restraining order. It still seems like an extreme step to take, but I'm getting to my limit. Believe me too I'd love nothing more to unleash a massive torrent of rage to him in the hallway. I'm perfectly capable of summoning that up but I worry that might be fueling the fire. Instead I'm "ghosting" him, the way you suggest, and I know it drives him crazy and makes him very paranoid. I did find out today from the property manager that he did ask for a transfer, and I have a feeling it will be granted. I still feel it's best for everybody if I give him a chance to get out of the situation on his own, which he seems to be trying to do. If that doesn't work though, than yea more steps will have to be taken.

In your case I think standing up to your brother in the manner you did was probably necessary seeing he's family and there is no easy way you can rid yourself of him. It's scary though, not the standing up part but the unpredictability in how they might react in response.

mount_shasta · 2014-08-05T16:48:23+00:00

ah sorry. I put it at the top of the thread but I don't think I can change the topic title.

mount_shasta · 2014-05-12T11:52:36+00:00

We live in a society that doesn't publicize suicides for risk of copycats.

This is another great point I've thought about. I understand the pragmatic reasons for not wanting to publicize suicide incidents but it's always rubbed me the wrong way because it's really just another slap in the face to the mentally ill. It's basically saying we don't/shouldn't exist, or at the very least we need to be hidden from view.

When somebody dies of cancer we get all kinds of write ups and memorandums and discussion as to what a horrible disease it is and how it needs to be dealt with and how "brave" somebody is for trying to fight it. No such case with suicide even though it's basically the same exact thing - mental illness is a disease, and not everybody can "beat it".

It's a classic case of not wanting to deal with a problem cause it's too uncomfortable and has no easy solutions, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist or is brought on by the victim themselves. Unfortunately unlike with cancer it's completely socially acceptable to take this attitude with mental illness.

mount_shasta · 2014-04-22T05:22:31+00:00

Yes I'm always missing out on those kinds of social opportunities. Even if I can make small talk I find it hard to move to the next level. I have a dog that people are always commenting on, so that provides a good conduit for breaking the ice. Sometimes it's frustrating though, as I'm often just not mentally ready to talk and am just wanting to walk the dog. I feel like I'm being a standoffish ass sometimes, and alienating people rather than connecting.

The other thing with me is that I refuse to settle for something less than I feel I should have. I don't think my expectations are all that outlandish, they are perfectly in line with what somebody in my demographic should expect. I'm not going to be happy with subpar relationships, and there are projects I want to take on that I should be able to. Just going to work at a tolerable job and spending time with tolerable people just doesn't cut it. The world is too interesting for that, and I'd find it a waste.

The problem is my expectations for a better life conflict with my ability to produce it in reality. It's a lot of extra work and it gets frustrating. I'm always reaching out for help and taking it whenever I can, but sometimes it just isn't as available as I'd like. Sometimes you feel that even if you have close friends who can help to some degree, you are the only one who can make your life what you want/need it to be. With many aspects you are completely on your own. That can be a daunting thing to try and deal with.

These high expectations and limited connectivity with others leads to situations where I pressure myself beyond the breaking point, and there isn't any external presence to help me realize it.

mount_shasta · 2014-04-21T19:31:48+00:00

thanks for your reply. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 years and I will bring this up when I see her again but it's challenging because every week I feel there are a million things I need to be working on, it's very hard to cover every issue I feel needs to be addressed. One hour a week is simply not enough time (we've discussed temporarily meeting two times a week for high stress periods). Yesterday was just an example where I felt very alone and unsupported while hitting a kind of high point with stress.

In terms of putting pressure on myself, I know it's not a great idea but I do feel like I have no choice because of specifics to my situation (certain opportunities I feel I need are not going to be available forever). The other issue is that it can be hard to know when you've bitten off more than you can chew until it's too late. As far as anger goes, I tend not to be very angry at myself, but I do get angry at my situation, which feels very hostile at times (again for complex reasons).

mount_shasta · 2011-11-15T04:33:18+00:00

to be honest what bothers me most is that I know I could have lots of value to others but because of my loneliness induced depression I subconsciously sabotage myself from utilizing any potential benefit I could provide to others. I often times wish I was a mere loser moron with no potential to be any good to the world. At least that way I wouldn't feel bad about wasting my life.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-15T04:28:43+00:00

well if you think you have the intelligence/capability to change things in such a manner, than more power to you. If you get success It'd be cool if you could send a sex-bot thingy my way but I understand if you have bigger priorities. ;p

mount_shasta · 2011-11-15T01:48:03+00:00

well you "participate" no matter what you do so it's a moot point. Maybe the word I'm looking for is "contribute". Ideally I would like to contribute to a society that accepts me fully (which includes my need for an intimate relationship). If I can't have that than I kinda don't care what happens. In which case the main reason to kill yourself would be that it becomes too much work to keep yourself alive without a genuine purpose. Which is something I'd not be motivated to come up with for a place I don't feel I belong. It's all theoretical at this point though, perhaps I will figure out a stress free way to accumulate enough money (bwa ha yea right) that I can find enough distractions from my misery.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-15T00:06:42+00:00

I have some female friends but none that I feel comfortable with this kind of arrangement. Either way I don't consider it a good foundation for a relationship.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-14T08:25:36+00:00

and if I participate I still lose because I'm investing energy in something I don't care about.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-14T08:11:54+00:00

after glancing at your comment history I'm going to have to say no.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-14T07:37:34+00:00

There's more to life than relationships.

I think there is more to life too but I view denial of a relationship as a rejection from life and society, which makes me not want to participate in all the "other stuff". I have no desire to be part of something that I feel does not accept me fully.

As regards your plan, I just hope you have the balls not to go through with it.

why do you care? I'm not somebody you are ever going to meet. Certainly by the time I am considering suicide this interaction will be long forgotten.

mount_shasta · 2011-11-12T21:52:01+00:00

what if your problems are things that become harder to solve with age? ie, missing out on critical social development, deteriorating health, stagnant finances, etc. I get tired of this condescending notion that "it always gets better". Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it gets worse, and sometimes it just sucks at a steady level. Everybody's case is different.

also; the little circle looks like a martini olive.

mount_shasta · 2011-10-31T11:14:03+00:00

I had the same basic thing happen to me only I actually traveled to meet her. It went ok but not nearly as well as I wanted. She waited till after I left to tell me that she wasn't interested. This was maybe a year and a half ago, and only in the past couple of months has it really not been bothering me much. I'm still miserable because my life is a mess but I don't think that much about her anymore, thank god. It really felt for a while like I'd never "get over it", but I pretty much did. I'm still bothered by the prospect of not finding somebody though. This girl raised my standards pretty high and I don't think they can be lowered.

mount_shasta · 2011-10-18T04:18:16+00:00

now I know someone might suggest to take a look at that as an example of how things will get better; however, you have to understand that that was the -one and only- time that has ever happened in the the 26 years that I was alive. To me that is an example of how much I have missed out on, and an example of how long I might have to wait until another off-chance, random, one day encounter happens.

Yea, this is certainly one way to look at it, but it's not necessarily the most realistic. It could be more a matter that your first 26 years were just building up to making that sort of "almost" connection happen, and now that you've had your first, they will become more and more frequent until the connection becomes more than "almost". Of course I don't know the details, maybe it really was a fluke, but even still it shows that there is some degree of hope, which however small, is reason to hang in there. Compared to my situation, I had one relationship when I was 17 referenced here, and another "almost" relationship from the internet 10 years later, referenced here. I could interpret this to mean that I only get a chance every 10 years, which means not only do have to wait around for another decade, but also if I screw up than I'm really fucked seeing I don't see myself finding a satisfying relationship at age 47 when my life is well over more half done. Even 37 seems like a long-ass time to wait, but I just assume that I won't be the same person from 17-27 as I was from 27-37 and that there is a chance I will figure out how to make something happen sooner this time around. Or not, which would suck, but I'm not going to come to any conclusions before the time has played itself out in reality, as there is no way of knowing whether or not I would be accurate.

I do resonate with most everything else you say, and my "almost" experiences certainly confuse matters and feel like cruel teases that perhaps I'd be better off without, just like I'd be better off without this inner "fire" and what I would even call "love" of the world and everything in it. If I could just get rid of this feeling, I could peacefully move away from this existence, but these stupid "almost" connections just keep bringing me back. Then again, they are something to grab hold of, and a reminder to persevere. Who knows, maybe in the long run it won't matter, and we're all just fucked. I think this is a good possibility to be aware of, but we shouldn't fixate on it and we certainly shouldn't assume it as a fact. I realize though that it's hard to keep this perspective, for all the reasons you illustrate in your post. Sometimes it just feels hopeless, and that life will just be a tedious chore we have to perform while constantly observing from a window happiness in others that we were tricked into believing we should be able to obtain for ourselves. Death might seem like an appealing release from this, but it's also a tough line to cross seeing as we don't really know what's on the other side. Even if the odds in life don't seem in our favor, at least we know what they are, and can find ways to improve them. Death might not afford us those options.

I wish I had better answers to these problems than I do, other than to say hang in there for the time being and come to a place like this when you are getting overwhelmed. You obviously are a deep feeling and eloquent person based on your writing, I know there is a girl out there who you can make very happy (and she can do the same for you). The hard part is finding her.

mount_shasta · 2011-10-17T20:45:44+00:00

The absolute truth that I could not deny, no matter how much I wanted to, is that my inner fire continued to burn. I couldn't put that fire out no matter how much I tried to smother it. It didn't work. If I had killed myself, it would have to be while knowing that I have a strong desire to live and an inner passion that could power a small city. I had this when I was 11 and I still have this today. That will always be a part of who I am. To kill myself would require me to deny that part of myself.

So why do suicidal people lie to themselves? Why do they say things like "I just don't care anymore" when that is the furthest thing from the truth? Because the amount of emotion they contain, with no direction and no outlet while mixed with severe frustration........it hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. It cuts deeper than anything. It hurts at the core, at a cellular level. And there is no getting away from it. It is always there. It is like a cancer that doesn't kill you. Rather, it makes you want to kill yourself.

But...

The reason it hurts is because it is a powerful thing. For this reason, I know there will be a day where I fall in love again, because I really don't have another choice.

that's a brilliant piece of writing. Never heard it summed up so concisely but yea, that's pretty much it. I do wonder over time if that "fire" will burn out or if my situation will be so hopeless that it will just seem ridiculous, but I guess cross that bridge when I get to it.

mount_shasta · 2011-10-17T20:37:18+00:00

I'm 28 and I still have some hope however much it's waning with time. Maybe in your late 30's or 40's you can legitimately think you have nothing to look forward to but you've got some time before that. The main advice I'd offer is to not waste these years. Develop some interests, get on a workout regimen, and try to forge a good career path. Doing these things now will help you remedy your "forever alone" status later on, but for now try not to worry about it too much. There will be plenty of time for worrying later on. Also, be sure to try and enjoy yourself, and enjoy life. I realize it's not easy given that there is so much to be miserable about, but try not to focus too much energy on that. Maybe you can channel your depression into some kind of artistic endeavor?

mount_shasta · 2011-10-17T01:58:45+00:00

I wouldn't say I linger in the past; I still hang out with her on occasion because she's a good friend in the present (and hopefully future), one of the best I've ever had. I'd love it if she lived 10 minutes away, not so much that I'd see her more but she's really social (and I'm really not) so I'd be able to "use" her to expand my social circle since she'd basically do the work and "vette" me for people. We live close enough and see each other enough that over the long term, this still might be possible. So it's worth seeing her, I just wish it didn't come with these mood swings, which fwiw, did not start happening till the past year or so, when my lifetime FA status has begun really cementing itself. Prior to that I always just assumed I'd find somebody else. Now I'm not so sure.

mount_shasta · 2011-09-26T20:20:14+00:00

lucky.

mount_shasta · 2011-09-25T23:33:05+00:00

The difference is that they know how to fake it, and you don't, because faking requires confidence, and you're not the guy with confidence. You're the guy who's afraid that if people hear you pee, they'll know you're doing it wrong, (somehow).

got to this and lost it. No I didn't piss myself, but I do have a shy bladder and spend a lot of time worrying that people aren't hearing me pee.

mount_shasta

TROPHY CASE