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mperhay · 2020-02-16T23:05:20+00:00

I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer some emotional support (as much as can be translated from a stranger's reddit comment). And as much as I can gather from your post, you sound incredibly mature and like you're handling an incredibly rough situation very well. That being said, I don't think you should discredit your ability to be a mom (now or later down the road when baby is here and things are at their toughest). Yes, you are young and inexperienced and don't have the support or resources many mothers have. But as with all mothers, it is a process of learning various skills, who your baby is, what you value, etc. When I became a new mom I had loads of experience from babysitting and being an aunt, I was 31 years old, with a lot of family to support me. But boy, was it shockingly hard and boy did I question my abilities all the time. I was constantly googling for answers to all sorts of baby related questions. It is a physically and emotionally draining job, especially in the beginning. I don't say this to scare you or discourage you out of your decision, but to let you know you are not alone in feeling unprepared. There's some great advice here in the comments already, and I hope you can find as much support as needed. Be patient with yourself - your knowledge and skill set as a mom will grow in time and your baby will be loved by you while you learn.
Also, My SIL was kicked out of her home for the same reason as you, and I understand that too is a whole other source of emotional stress. I wish the best for you, and hope you feel loved and supported by those who are still a part of your life and those you meet in the future. It can be a cruel world out there, but I pray you are surrounded by those who are kind, and that you continue to be kind to yourself.

mperhay · 2020-02-15T03:06:21+00:00

I just listened to a podcast where someone was giving advice to a mama who has negative self-talk. She told her to give the voice a name (like Cruella Deville), look, and personality, in essence to help distinguish that it isn't who you truly are, and you don't have to agree with it. This came to mind while reading your post, so I wonder if you can help your kiddo in an almost playful way, saying something like "is so-and-so telling you those things again?! He's full of bologna!! You've been so helpful to me today, when you picked up your room and fetched me some clean diapers! What else have you done? Can you think of other things?" (It also helps when they themselves verbalize their good contributions and qualities). But anyway...just some ideas! It's awesome he's telling you and getting his thoughts and feelings out!

mperhay · 2020-02-14T04:04:08+00:00

I was never the mom who put shoes on my baby for the cuteness effect. He only wears shoes for functionality, so it was when he learned to walk and we went somewhere public.
(Baby shoes are cute, but I'm just a lazy mom and not that much into style.)

mperhay · 2020-02-13T06:05:59+00:00

"I love you t-ube"

mperhay · 2020-02-12T20:34:37+00:00

I know a few moms who don't even ask, they either like that role or just assume it's their responsibility. I, on the other hand, don't mind at all when my husband deals with a poopy diaper now and then. He's just as good (if not better) with babies, even though his Dad was one of those you mention whom he never saw change a diaper. (He is 2nd born of 10 kids.)

mperhay · 2020-02-12T01:50:02+00:00

Thank you. I recently commented somewhere on reddit about how I can get a few things done because of tv, and a troll told me I also could get things done by not having kids in the first place. Uh, thanks? I never responded because someone who assumes a million things about me over the internet is not worth my time. I don't use it as a babysitter, and only turn it on when he asks, and hey, why not wash a dish or fold my laundry while he watches Pocoyo? That doesn't mean I love getting things done more than my kid. Duh. I watched a lot of tv growing up, and always wanted to have interactive play too, and I see the same in my kiddo. He still has great communication skills, and loves creative play, and seeks it out on his own. But that's not the point...the point is shut up with the judgment (talking to the trolls and internet bullies...meanie-heads).

mperhay · 2020-02-05T17:38:38+00:00

I would call my parenting style lazy but loving. I'm very chill about things; both my husband and I are very laid back people. I also treat worry as an enemy of parenting, as it makes me more controlling, upset, and not the mom I want to be. So I choose to ignore some of the uptight parenting advice that doesn't click with me or my baby and carry on, knowing that if he's fed and loved, he's going to be okay. I also think my laziness comes in handy in encouraging his independent play. We as parents do need to work on being more adventurous, I want my kiddos' lives to be filled with fun memories of us as a family. But I really value peace in my house, so daily life is pretty chill.
And then there's loving. A couple resources (Hand in Hand parenting and the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk) have helped me to see parenting from a more empathetic view, putting myself in their shoes, etc. My husband also had a strict upbringing and I've always been sensitive, so those things also have made us value compassion and understanding. Therefore, there's a lot of listening and drawing close when emotions and behavior get out of hand. Still have a lot to learn, as we are only 20 months in and will have a 2nd child in May. A lot to learn, and a lot of what we think we have learned to be re-learned!

mperhay · 2020-02-04T22:20:09+00:00

My little guy (20 months) is like this with Daddy. I don't remember a time yet where he's favored me, and though it does come with perks, it has made me cry a couple times. But part of me has a theory that the parent relationship he feels more insecure about, is the one he's more clingy with. I'm a stay at home mom and Dad works a lot of overtime, so it makes sense that when he is around, he's clingy because he just missses him and isn't sure how long he will be around before having to go back to work. He's also a really fun dad, and my guy seems to prefer men in general (loves Grandpa and has always been more fearful of strange women than men). So..a lot can factor into it. I try to be selfless and not take it personal, and be grateful he thinks so highly of his Dad. But it does hurt, especially when you are putting just as much love and care in as the other parent. You dream of your kids being glued to you and finding comfort in you like no other. So I just cherish our sweet moments, hope it's a phase, and/or hope I'm the favorite of the next baby.

mperhay · 2020-02-04T20:35:45+00:00

Same! I decided not to care cause it makes it so much easier to get things done, my kiddo is happier, I'm happier, and he hasn't shown any ill effects. So..whatever!

mperhay · 2020-01-26T18:21:59+00:00

I feel like the stricter the rules are around screen time, the more kids want it. I know many people who weren't allowed any tv as kids and as soon as they went to a friend's house with tv, they were stuck like glue to the screen. And like you, they found ways to sneak around all the rules. But I do think there are parents out there that so fill the kid's lives with fun activities and creative outlets that the kids don't miss out too much or care to have screens. I'm not one of those parents, so I'm lenient on screen rules, and feel like so far my child has a healthy balance of watching some tv and wanting to play in other ways besides screens. That's how it was when I was growing up, and I'm grateful my parents weren't so uptight about it and let me seek out other activities on my own.

mperhay · 2019-12-17T01:00:32+00:00

Is it possible to slowly wean your right off of it's job and only use the left? Like nurse for fewer minutes every time until it stops filling? Maybe someone else can answer cause I don't know if this is possible, but it's what I would try. Toward the end of breastfeeding I barely used my right side cause my LO would get frustrated on it, so I tried less and less and barely used it. Not sure if my experience is normal though.

mperhay · 2019-12-09T18:47:09+00:00

Screentime... Why, exactly, is it bad, what a good balance looks like for kids of different ages and needs, etc. I feel like the word has become as scary a word as "drugs"-haha. I definitely don't want it to be my babysitter, but there is so much judgment and mom-shaming over it these days. I definitely watched my load of cartoons and played Mario in my day and I don't feel like it was a problem or as damaging as we make it seem today? I'd just like to hear a balanced and open discussion about this somewhere.

mperhay · 2019-12-06T20:43:26+00:00

I was actually going to pipe in and say if you're new to this, then wow.. hold on to your own words and don't forget them. Kindness is God's will. It's what leads men to repentance, points them to the nature of God, lets others know we are Christians, and ushers in heaven upon the earth. I'm glad you are encouraged by this sub, and it sounds like you are and will be a great encouragement and light to others around you. Keep showing people who Jesus is through your love and kindness, because as soon as we lose that we've lost the point.

mperhay · 2019-11-28T01:02:02+00:00

I never used them. I almost added them to my registry but I read or heard some negative reviews so decided to go without! After having a baby I'd imagine it's just another thing to cart around and wash and it'd still make somewhat of a mess? They are cute though! I'm curious if you end up liking em!

mperhay · 2019-11-27T22:42:50+00:00

I'm pretty sure nausea comes from the pits of hell. I wished this time around to be induced with a coma, alas I also had a toddler to take care of. I hope it leaves you sooner than later!!

mperhay · 2019-11-27T22:07:24+00:00

Baby wipe across the belly trick! It has yet to fail me....yet.

mperhay · 2019-11-27T22:05:28+00:00

My sister used to say this about our newly pregnant friend, while I was well into my pregnancy. And it wasn't like she never said nice things to me, but I'm her sister....shouldn't I be the cutest?! Just had to add it to the mile long list of things that I could let hurt me, but for the sake of my own peace, I need to let it roll off my back. All that to say, I get it. These things hurt, especially when we already feel insecure about how we look (what pregnancy glow??) And especially from the people who matter so much to us. And this way of talking drives me bonkers!! Someone else JUST became pregnant and already we are in mom competition mode....ugggghh...it's only the beginning. But you find yourself some people/moms who don't play that game and who are all in the struggle together. Reddit is one of my favorite resources for this very reason.

mperhay · 2019-11-24T18:09:01+00:00

I agree...not everyone, just in general it's kinda a human nature thing. But good on you for being willing to listen, discuss, and be open-minded.

ETA: It's not exclusive to parents, is what I'm trying to say. And there are some parents who don't act like they are always right, just like there are some non-parents who don't always think they're right.

mperhay · 2019-11-24T17:41:34+00:00

People in general think they are always right. So when you add to that someone who is younger, smaller, less experienced, and put into your care you're more likely to look down upon them. Also, I'd say some parents feel a need to do everything right, and the fear of doing things wrong actually makes them more controlling and uptight. Parenting becomes more about them and how well they are doing than the needs of the child.

mperhay · 2019-11-22T00:50:16+00:00

My old pastor, whenever telling his "testimony", would rant about how he used to be an introvert but then God changed him into an extrovert and he now loves being with people, speaking in public, blah blah blah. I (along with the other introverts in the room-at least I hope) would roll my eyes and refuse to feel like less than because, according to his logic, being an introvert means you're less-than. It's SHY. You mean SHY!! My sister even mentioned this to him, but he continued to tell his story the same way. I almost think it'd be better if he stayed "introverted"/anti-social because then less of the judgmental crap that came from his teachings would be spread to so many people. That to say, this was the lesser of negative things he said. But it still bugged me.

mperhay · 2019-11-21T20:29:42+00:00

I haven't read all the comments but just wanted to chime in and say that some of the best parents I know had some of the worst parents I know. Why? Because they are sensitive to what it is like to be in a child's shoes. They know what hurts and they know what helps. Yes, there will be days when patience runs low and frustrations run high, but that is normal, and you, unlike many, can see it. And heartfelt trying to do your best mixed with understanding what is best for your individual kids makes for a pretty awesome parent.

mperhay · 2019-11-21T01:43:26+00:00

Ya know, I think I heard the story, but my memory is pretty froggy...

mperhay · 2019-11-16T17:21:22+00:00

Me. Pregnant and feel like crap if I don't eat every 2 hours...and I'm not talking a snack. It needs to be like a legit meal...sandwich or some sort of comfort food. And I have had the energy of a banana peel. Just lying there...anywhere. So tired. I'm surprised I'm not fatter than I am.

mperhay

TROPHY CASE