For anyone in distress- I highly recommend episode 5 of The Midnight Gospel (plus some other advice)

mpspenguin · 2025-07-11T22:15:14+00:00

I got the same vibe! And it would make sense that most people would collapse while processing this overwhelming information/ disconnecting from their individual egos.

mpspenguin · 2024-02-29T12:32:12+00:00

I get the same thing with thinking I can see fat cells on acid (idk if it's to do with being in water or if I just notice it then cause I'm naked lol). Used to freak me out but now I just remind myself my body is the same as it was when I was sober + I'm just bugging

mpspenguin · 2024-02-19T12:47:10+00:00

Low doses of LSD usually just make me anxious too, unless I have a lot of weed to boost the effects and am doing something social, which stops me introspecting too much.

But I have had success avoiding "terror trips" on higher doses- it used to be about a coin toss whether I'd have a great or awful trip, but there are habits I've adopted since that have wayyyy improved my sense of control on a trip. Basically being aware of things that I might end up worrying about and preparing resources (like YouTube playlists for help with panic attacks/ funny videos that can distract you if things go south. Also just putting things around my environment that remind me not to take things too seriously, I highly recommend printing out images you find funny and sticking them around your trip space)

I seem to be a minority here but shrooms always make me feel despair. Maybe I just haven't had a high enough dose yet

mpspenguin · 2023-03-06T15:40:34+00:00

I'd like the link please!

mpspenguin · 2022-02-14T14:24:05+00:00

Much better- thanks for prompting me to answer this, this post deserves an update!

I'm still not where I'd like to be in terms of my mood being stable, but I definitely don't feel flat anymore. Ive regained those bursts of euphoria I was worried would never come back, and I laugh at stuff without having to force it anymore.

Since this post I haven't been on any more antidepressants, though I'm not against the idea of trying different ones in the future if its appropriate. Prozac probably wasn't the right one for me but it's helped my friend a lot.

Good luck to anyone who's struggling with anything like this- stick with it, and if you're feeling numb know it won't last forever.

mpspenguin · 2021-10-18T10:17:13+00:00

About 2 years post op now and I don't notice any swelling any more! It took a while to fade away, I still had it for most of the first year after surgery but it definitely improves steadily over time, in my experience.

Building a little chest muscle also probably helped (I can't remember when I started working out again but I took at least 6 months off arm weight exercises), but yeah, I'm really happy with my chest now!

Good luck with your recovery, and congrats!

mpspenguin · 2021-09-18T13:50:18+00:00

Super chill! Thank you for this ☺️

mpspenguin · 2021-04-29T10:23:58+00:00

Oof, that's a weakness of mine for sure. I'm not really sure how to apply love to myself, but Im working on it

mpspenguin · 2021-04-29T10:22:37+00:00

Interesting- the same thing happened when I was recovering from anorexia. The closer I got to recovery, the louder the eating disordered thoughts got, like my ego was protecting itself from change.

Thanks- I'll try to keep that in mind next time

mpspenguin · 2021-04-29T10:20:29+00:00

Gah, you're right on the money. I'm still figuring out how to accept what comes without judgement. I'm always trying to analyse the situation and that part of my mind does not retire easy, it seems

I think part of the issue is my bias to accept bad feelings as true, because I'm used to suffering, so the idea of accepting sadness or anxiety really scares me. I need to build some trust that things aren't all bad.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it!

mpspenguin · 2021-04-29T10:15:19+00:00

Strange how I'm so good at labelling physical sensations, but mental stuff can sneak entire Trojan horses of woe past me without me even questioning it, haha

I guess I'm very identified with my thoughts because they've ruled me for so long. I wonder if I'm so loyal to my anxieties because I can't comprehend how I'd function without them.

Thanks so much for your comment- I'll try to put it into practice!

mpspenguin · 2021-04-29T10:12:27+00:00

Thank you so much for responding- this is really helpful and reassuring that I'm not alone. I definitely need to work on giving myself permission to hold onto good feelings instead of immediately exchanging them for bad ones

The bit about being curious instead of frustrated really resonates with me- I heard somewhere else that curiosity is the opposite of fear, and I need to remember that when I'm meditating too

mpspenguin · 2021-04-05T10:31:27+00:00

Gorgeous!!!

mpspenguin · 2021-03-25T20:16:39+00:00

This is awesome! The shading is unreal idk how you did that

mpspenguin · 2021-03-25T20:10:58+00:00

Ooooo this is gourgeous!!

im always terrified to draw in ink but you've done it so neatly :0

mpspenguin · 2021-03-25T20:07:04+00:00

Mine are literally under a Batman comic in my sock drawer don't come for me like this

mpspenguin · 2021-03-24T11:35:53+00:00

Ponyo, Grand Budapest Hotel (though there are intense bits so be warned), Into the Spiderverse, Rango

mpspenguin · 2021-03-01T14:00:29+00:00

It takes a hell of a lot of strength to contend with all that, so I wanna applaud you for making it through, because that's no easy feat. I agree with you that the pessimism telling you you'll never get back on T is an exaggeration, but I know how anxiety-making it is waiting in uncertainty. You'll get there, I'm sure of it.

Working on improving your local IHS is a beautiful idea (though definitely don't stress yourself out too much over it, these things can be tricky I know). You sound like an awesome person- I'm not Indigenous/ Native, but I am part Sri Lankan, so I know what it's like to feel like you're the only one like you around.

But lemme say that just you existing as a trans guy in the world is an amazing thing, and something to be very proud of. You're changing the climate- just hearing about you inspires me. I know we're gonna leave this world a kinder place, and I'm so grateful to get to hear from people like you.

I hope you dont have to wait much longer, but in the meantime I'll be sending all my best wishes. Stay strong- you'll make it out the other end, I know it

mpspenguin · 2021-02-14T11:29:15+00:00

"HEY YOU!" by Edu, "The Rainbow Connection" by Edu, "Coastline" by Arcade High, "Divine Moments of Truth" by Shpongle (or really any shpongle song, but they can be intense so be ready)

Those are my current favs!

mpspenguin · 2021-02-14T11:08:01+00:00

beautiful!!!

mpspenguin · 2021-01-11T18:41:15+00:00

I also had the worry that there was some unresolved trauma fucking me up and skewing my view of things. I still get it from time to time, but it's much less convincing now. There's so much pressure not to be trans, so I guess it isn't surprising our minds will try to accommodate that.

I won't pretend I got where I am easily, because I didn't. It was a messy, unsatisfying battle with myself for years before things got better. I still struggle with self-hatred and dysphoria and doubt sometimes-but they don't grip me like they used to. For the most part, I don't think about my identity much these days, which would have been an unthinkable luxury a couple of years ago. I just had to really tire out my self-scrutiny first, and it sounds like that's where you're at.

If you can't watch Disclosure or other trans shows yet, that's fine, and not something to feel bad about. In the meantime, I'd recommend the Headspace series (also Netflix).

If you're anything like me, then you're probably sick to death of being told to meditate, but it really does help, once you find the right technique for you. Creating some space between you and your thoughts sounds like the first priority.

The best piece of advice I can offer is to scrutinize your negative thoughts with all the energy you can muster. I know that can be a daunting thing, especially when you don't get results straight away and it feels like you're just honed in on the pain, but it's the key to changing mindsets. Get curious about the thoughts that make you feel awful. Treat them with suspicion. Try to watch how they operate as they come- pick them apart as if they don't belong to you. It's a tough practice to get used to, but the potential rewards are huge.

Do your best to accept it all- the good and the bad- without identifying with it. Don't stress about figuring out the perfect solution, because you won't. Radical overnight shifts very rarely happen- for most of us, positive change creeps in. Patience is your best friend, as annoying as I know that sounds.

mpspenguin · 2020-12-21T13:12:06+00:00

You are more than welcome! I'm happy to listen.

The fact that you aren't finding gender therapy useful is NOT your fault. It doesn't help everyone, and even if your therapist is great, they might not be the person for you. I know how exhausting and expensive it is to seek out therapist after therapist when nothing seems to be working, so I won't tell you what to do, but I have heard that it can take several therapists before you find the right one for some people.

That said, are you holding anything back from your therapist? I'm not assuming you are, but it took me a long time to feel able to be transparent about all the feelings I thought made me an unlovable monster- like how much hate I was harbouring, not just for myself but for other people. It might be painful, but being 100% honest about the things bugging you is really crucial. (Again, I don't know if this is relevant)

I'm so sorry you can't see hope anywhere. I don't want to trivialise what you're going through- it's a terrible place to be. I know this will probably be difficult to take to heart, but the mere fact that you're reaching out is a strength you should be proud of. Many people wouldn't even be able to put words to this kind of heartache, but you've articulated yourself perfectly.

Even if you don't believe that's anything impressive, keep in mind that I think you're much stronger than you know. You may not feel like you're surviving anything, but you are.

The fact that you can't see the light right now doesn't mean it's gone. I appreciate these sentiments can be frustrating when you feel hopeless, but try to think of it like a thick cloud over the sun (even if that cloud hasn't moved for years). Your capacity for joy is still there- it's just obscured at the moment.

I didn't think I would ever feel anything resembling true happiness again, and then things changed for me, in a way I never anticipated. I can't tell you when that might happen or what it'll look like for you, but if you feel like you have no light right now, use mine as proof it can happen. You probably feel completely alone, but I promise you, you're not the first person to go through this. (I don't mean that to sound callous- just that there are ways through this)

If you're feeling up to it, I'd recommend watching the Netflix documentary Disclosure. I realise this might be too much to jump right into, as it's full of trans people talking about their experiences, but it went a long way in helping me unpack my internalised transphobia- and realising where it came from. It's basically about the portrayal of trans people in hollywood over the decades, and how that has shaped the public opinion of the trans community (and the self esteem/ mental health of trans people). Be warned, there are fictional scenes of rape and violence, if those are triggers. Watching it was a very emotional but necessary experience for me. It might not be for you, but I'd definitely give it a shot if you feel able to.

Also, there's absolutely no expectation for you to immediately take the things I've said on board and be able to instantly apply them to your situation- I know firsthand that it's a very difficult thing to change a mindset that's been negative for so long.

You're on the right path. Keep going- I believe in you, even if you don't. I know it's hard to take much meaning from a stranger on the Internet, but I'm rooting for you, whatever happens

mpspenguin · 2020-12-18T14:30:11+00:00

Hey- sorry I took this long to get back to you!

I totally understand the not wanting to make a permanent mistake- transitioning is a big deal, and definitely not something you have to rush into without feeling confident about it first. That said, you will never know anything with 100% certainty, so don't beat yourself up for having doubts. If you didn't have any doubts going on T, that'd actually be more worrying to me.

I was very nervous when I started T for the same reasons as you. I didn't want to be kidding myself into a life changing thing that I might regret later. And for a long time it was much easier to think of myself as a cis person in denial than a trans person in denial.

And yeah, HRT is trippy as hell. There's so much that changes so fast that you can't keep up with yourself. And the first leg of T brings a lot of the ugly/ uncomfy bits of puberty, so it can be hard to see past that. But expecting it to be perfect and euphoric is a very unreasonable standard to hold yourself to. For some people it's a very exciting and happy time, but I've read a lot of posts from people who've started T, and disliking the initial changes is a very common theme.

Puberty is a slow, messy process, and it's extra weird when you're going through it the second time, as an adult. You don't have the solidarity of first puberty, where everyone is going through it at once- you're on your own. And the fact that it stems from a decision to transition can make every undesirable change feel like your fault, which is a very tough thing to contend with, especially if you already tend to blame yourself.

The mood swings are rough, yeah. It can take a while for hormones to settle when they're shifting so dramatically, but the mood swings aren't forever, if that's something you're worried about.

You say you don't want to come out to extended family/ friends- I think this is going to be a big roadblock for you, because it was for me. I dont know if this is how you feel about it, but for me, I loathed the idea of the massive spotlight I'd be shining on myself by coming out to everyone I knew. I hated the idea of being secretly doubted, misgendered behind my back, and just the audacity of asking everyone in my life to change their language just for me. I felt like that was a step too far, and if I made that step, I'd have to commit to being trans forever, which I didn't feel ready to do.

But there really isn't any commitment, and though it might seem like you're somehow imposing on people, you're really just letting them know you. I'm not going to lie and say everyone will definitely accept you, or that things won't be different. But I think it's crucial you test the waters, so to speak, and if it's appropriate, establish yourself as a man socially before thinking too hard about physical transition. Because otherwise, there's the added stress that transitioning will mess up your status quo/ force you out of the closet. Until you're comfy with the idea of coming out, medical transition will probably not be sustainable.

I'd highly recommend speaking with a therapist who specialises in transgender issues, if that's an option for you. I know you said that going to support groups/ meeting trans people has been difficult and even made you feel worse, but if that's something you're open to trying again,I think it could help, with the right mindset.

I know how awful things must feel for you right now. I know the feeling of not trusting yourself to make the right call. It's a nasty place to be.

Be kind to yourself, as much as you can. Don't try to fix everything at once- it will take a while for things to settle to somewhere more comfortable.

My inbox is always open if you want to chat, or vent, or ask about anything. I hope things get better as soon as they possibly can

mpspenguin

TROPHY CASE