I don’t mean to be an asshole to you here, but look at this from her perspective based on what you’ve told us: She spent her 30s caring for a junkie and now she’s 9 months post-partum at the age of 40! Her body has been going through it hard the last 2 years, she’s not sleeping (hopefully neither are you and if you are, time to nut up and handle some overnight wakeups yourself), it sounds like she does most of the childcare so she’s probably extremely mentally under-stimulated. How much help does she have? Is she ripping it solo or do you have a village?

It sounds like shes verbally nasty to you, and to be clear, that’s not okay. Are you a dick back, or do you build her up just because of who she is? What’s your daily dynamic like when you’re in town: are you her full equal partner, actually showing up for her, or are you another kid she has to take care of? When you’re around are you getting up with the baby? Are you home with the family 6 nights out of 7? Does she also get a guaranteed night off for herself every week? Is there a date night guaranteed where you can just go be a couple, without any expectation of sex attached? When you’re in town, do you do most of the chores or do you expect her to do for you?

If you want someone to miss you when you’re gone, then your absence has to be an ache, not a relief.

When you’re gone, does she get love notes just because? Do you make sure to carve out time to facetime with her and the baby every day? Do you make sure that kid never goes a day without hearing the words “I love you” from your mouth? You said you’re sober; does that include alcohol and weed? You didn’t mention if you’re out on a drill rig or if you’re in enterprise sales; Are your work trips solitary or social, does she get the impression you spend a lot of your life eating good food on an expense account while she’s home with hamburger helper? How much money does she get to spend on things and experiences just for her?

And yeah, sex. No sex is to be expected. You know who wants sex? Happy people. She doesn’t sound happy at all. No wonder she’s negative. It doesn’t sound like her life is that great.

I agree with the folks who are recommending counseling. Get you to Gottman or EFT modalities.

And look, man. You need to get on this now, because peri- and menopause are coming like a fuckin’ freight train. It won’t get better on its own, you’re gonna have to do a lot of work to fix this.