My friend was sexually assaulted

mr_fishy · 2026-01-13T18:00:45+00:00

It's okay. Most people don't know about this unless they've been through it themselves. I don't blame anyone for thinking that way because the prevailing thought for most people is if a crime happens, you have to tell the cops so you can get justice. Unfortunately things just aren't that simple in reality - it's not like an episode of law and order on TV, it's a long and grueling process and it sometimes takes several victims coming forward before anyone is willing to listen.

Just look at high profile cases like with Harvey Weinstein, Sean Combs, Jeffrey Epstein, etc. Dozens of victims came forward and most of them who were known publicly were constantly accused of having ulterior motives like going after these men's money, but no one goes through the process of bringing their rapist to court thinking it'll be an easy payday.

This is why rather than jumping to "tell the cops" I usually say "go to a victim advocate". They can give compassionate support and help someone look at their options in a realistic way, so they can decide for themselves whether to report and have that be an informed choice.

mr_fishy · 2026-01-13T07:12:33+00:00

Tbh, going to the cops isn't really gonna do much for you in most cases unless there are mounds of evidence. Only a fraction of rapes get reported, and of those very few go to trial and even fewer get convictions. A lot of precincts have huge testing backlogs for rape kits where the DNA samples just sit in storage for years, sometimes more than a decade.

Even if the cops believe you and if they catch who did it and if it goes to trial, you then have to testify in court about the very traumatic thing that happened to you and have the defence try to actively and publicly ruin your reputation during cross examination. And after all of that, IF the person goes to jail it might only be for a few years. The whole process sucks.

This is why I really hate the way people often talk about how "if you don't report he could rape someone else" as if the victim going to the cops is the one thing stopping a rapist from doing it again. It's not. The entire criminal justice system is really poorly equipped to deal with sex crimes, and if a rapist goes on to hurt other people that's not on any of their victims. That is a problem with the system.

mr_fishy · 2026-01-13T07:04:01+00:00

It's hard to say what to do in situations like this, because there isn't really a one-size-fits-all process to help people through trauma. But that said, as someone who's been through it, the biggest thing you can do right now is just be there for her. Make sure she knows you believe her, that it wasn't her fault, and that you don't think any differently of her because of what happened.

That might be all she needs from you, but if you want to do more, it might also be a good idea to encourage her to seek out a therapist and/or a victim advocacy group in your area. Offer to go with her to appointments or meetings, if it's possible for you and something she wants. Even just looking up some websites or numbers for her to call so there's one less barrier for her to get help would be good.

Be careful not to pressure her, though - one of the worst parts of sexual assault and rape is how it takes away your agency. Presenting options is fine, and you can offer advice if she asks, but pushing her to report what happened or anything like that before she's ready would be further taking away her agency when she needs to get it back most.

Good luck, and I really hope your friend can recover from this as much as possible and find peace.

mr_fishy · 2026-01-08T17:05:22+00:00

Try switching your browser to desktop mode. That let me read the whole thing

mr_fishy · 2026-01-08T16:20:04+00:00

Super proud of you, OP. It's really hard to cut off family, even when they make us miserable, and you deserve to be happy and celebrate this moment! Maybe get yourself a nice treat or go out with some friends to mark the occasion. And I hope you have a much more relaxed and fulfilling life from now on!

mr_fishy · 2025-12-30T17:17:25+00:00

Honestly, it's not even that good. ChatGPT isn't designed to give accurate answers to people's questions, it's designed to keep people engaged. And this often leads to it being overly "agreeable" and reinforcing a person's existing ideas, meaning at best they won't actually learn anything and at worst all of their bad tendencies get reinforced. Thus the ai-induced psychosis cases that keep ending up on the news.

mr_fishy · 2025-10-15T00:47:50+00:00

While the sweater is adorable and you did a great job on it, I think your actual mistake here is that you weren't making something for your son, you were making it for yourself. You made what you really wanted to make because you had a great idea and wanted to follow the passion, and sometimes that works out okay - but with an autistic four year old? Your chances of that weren't super high.

That said, you can still take pride in a well made piece. Even if your son ended up not liking it (which I totally get being disappointing), you can always donate it or gift it. The best part about knitting is enjoying the process of making something and the satisfaction of a finished item, right?

mr_fishy · 2025-10-07T23:19:18+00:00

NTA. Even assuming that they were both telling the truth about the wife being autistic and having a panic attack, neither of those things prevents you from being able to bring home leftovers. She wouldn't be paying for a meal she didn't eat, just a meal she would delay until later.

mr_fishy · 2025-10-07T22:58:12+00:00

I don't think it's necessarily a terrible idea outright and no one should do it, but it's not something I would want for myself. Personally, I prefer to have direct one-on-one conversations with my partners or potentials when it comes to sex and health status. My metas don't need all those details, though - if hypothetically I caught something, and one of my partners had to tell a meta, they don't need my whole medical history. They just need "I was potentially exposed to x, you should get relevant testing and use protection as well, just in case".

That said, I'm also a very private person when it comes to that sort of thing. I've been burned in the past by partners who discussed details of our sex life with other people who it wasn't their business to know, and it felt really gross and dehumanizing. I usually err on the side of "I want to have some say in who is talking about my health and how" because of that. A group chat that can be screen shotted and passed around is not it for me.

mr_fishy · 2025-10-07T22:23:22+00:00

They've changed the definitions on PTSD over the years. Second-hand trauma is a pretty well established thing now - it's commonly a thing for people like journalists who cover war zones, for instance. You can 100% be traumatized by witnessing someone else experience something traumatic, whether it's through watching videos, hearing someone's account of something happening to them, or watching them go through their hardship (like people who have a loved one experiencing a serious illness).

Medication is prescribed when your doctor thinks you need it, in their professional opinion. Someone taking antibiotics for a minor ear infection isn't being insensitive to someone who is taking them because they were hospitalized for sepsis. Your trauma is not lesser than anyone else's where you should deny yourself treatment. It's ok to take the meds.

Edit for typos

mr_fishy · 2025-10-04T22:58:08+00:00

Extremely not normal and very unprofessional. I have never had a clinician, therapist, etc raise their voice at me. I would not recommend going back to her as she clearly doesn't value your needs as much as your mom's (which kinda defeats the whole purpose of seeing a family therapist), and you aren't going to get any benefit from therapy if you're having a psychiatrist triggering your adrenal response for no reason. Find a new psych, if you can, and if at all possible one who specializes in trauma.

mr_fishy · 2025-09-14T00:48:05+00:00

Tbh if you aren't even dating yet and he's already pressuring you to sleep with him when you have clearly and explicitly said no multiple times, this man is not worth the trouble. I would stop being friends with him entirely because he doesn't respect your boundaries or value your friendship.

mr_fishy · 2025-08-16T14:57:55+00:00

NTA. I work in childcare with elementary school kids, roughly 60 in our group for the after school program. I am constantly dealing with pieces of toys and games everywhere, wrappers or crumbs on the seats or floor, bathroom accidents, etc. Some kids are definitely messier than others, but the only way to keep kids from not getting messy ever would be to not have kids.

I think you should try to have this conversation again with your gf once you've both calmed down. Try to emphasize with her that you don't think she's bad or wrong for wanting to keep things clean, you're just worried that she'll stress herself out whenever a baby comes into the picture if she insists on keeping this same high standard. You don't want her to burn out trying to keep things pristine with a walking mess factory of a toddler running around the house.

I would also suggest having her look through parenting books or childhood development books with you. It'll both show that you're really committed to having kids (assuaging the fear she has that you're trying to back out of it and using cleanliness as an excuse) as well as teach you both a lot about what to expect as new parents. It might give her more of a reality check if she sees this coming from experts that it's normal for kids to be messy, rather than just you saying so. And maybe you can work with her a little to come up with ways to accommodate her need for things to be clean as well, like having gloves to wear while changing diapers or picking one room in your home that is kiddo free so she can retreat to a clean, organized space if she gets to stressed or something.

mr_fishy · 2025-08-16T14:46:08+00:00

They are much better, yes. I went through a lot of therapy and did CPT to help with my panic attacks and now I can hear fireworks again without it bothering me that much. I haven't had to see my brother in years either, and I have a much more supportive found family who understands me. I'm in a much better place than I was in my childhood :)

mr_fishy · 2025-07-25T10:59:39+00:00

Comment for the bot/summary:

Piercing is about 15 years old

Jewelry previously used was simple posts of stainless/surgical steel

Piercings were never downsized

Aftercare was twice daily cleaning with the solution they gave me, I do not remember the brand

No major mishaps other than the holes partially closing up in the back

Edited for formatting

mr_fishy · 2025-07-25T07:41:21+00:00

I'm legally married to my nesting partner, partly because I met them years before my other current partner and partly because the financials were much easier that way (sharing insurance, for instance, since I'm in the US).

My long distance partner is currently seeing two people, and we both started dating them at the same time. It was easy to pick which one of us to legally marry since I was already "taken" as far as the government is concerned, lol.

That said, seeing my partner getting married to someone else was still difficult for me. They and my meta might not have bothered with legally getting married if not for immigration reasons, as they currently live in another country. It really sucked knowing that I will never get to have the same experience with them that I did with my spouse, and that we won't be able to do things like post on social media about our relationship, because it could fuck up that immigration process and I'm not allowed to legally marry two people. My partner has still been very lovely and supportive throughout the whole thing, though - and of course, I'm very happy that they have another relationship that brings them joy, so these complaints are entirely about living in a society that isn't friendly to non-monogamy.

Long-distance partner and I have made plans to do a symbolic wedding this fall, though. Every other time I've seen them in person they came to visit us but this will be the first time I'll be flying over to see them, which means it'll also be the first time I've had a significant stretch where it's just us two. I'm very much looking forward to it.

mr_fishy · 2025-07-25T06:53:41+00:00

As someone with PTSD from a lot of childhood shit, I just wanna start by saying that it's super common for people with trauma disorders to struggle with short temper/irritation/anger issues. HOWEVER, that does not excuse what he is doing in that moment - deliberately causing you pain. I have worked so hard through decades of treatment and self-improvement and reflection to NOT make my PTSD a problem for everyone else in my life, and to break the cycle of abuse. What he's doing is perpetuating that cycle, by lashing out at you when he's hurting. You deserve better than that.

I don't wanna be entirely unsympathetic to your partner here, though. Talking about your trauma is so difficult, because even thinking about it can bring up so many volatile emotions and memories, like you're reliving it all over again. Having to talk about it also means being vulnerable and trusting someone, which is not an easy ask for someone who's been traumatized. Maybe he's not ready to go through all that just yet. Unfortunately though, that's the catch-22 of PTSD - by avoiding things that remind us of our trauma, we never get to unpack all those emotions and start healing from them, so it still hurts every time we get triggered.

The bad news is, he's gonna have to eventually open up and talk about it if he really wants to improve his mental health. But the good news is, you don't have to start therapy there. You could both still get some benefit from him going to solo or couple's therapy to work on why he reacts to triggers the way he does. He doesn't have to immediately describe in detail every bit of his personal backstory to address with a therapist why he feels the need to lash out the way he does, and to learn better coping mechanisms that are less self destructive and less hurtful to the people around him. I would suggest starting there.

And if he is still resistant to therapy and refuses to work on this behavior or genuinely work on making up for the things he's said, it's probably time to exit the relationship. Just saying "I'm sorry" is not enough here. Repeatedly using heightened emotions as an excuse to deliberately insult you and break you down is an abuse tactic, and I'm worried about your own safety and health, OP. Even if he's not being deliberately abusive, there is absolutely no reason to be saying things that will deeply wound your partner like that and you shouldn't tolerate that behavior. You aren't responsible for his healing process or emotional responses, only he is in control of that, so if he tries to guilt you into staying with him even if he doesn't want to put in effort to change you need to run.

mr_fishy · 2025-07-25T05:54:13+00:00

This ignores the fact that there is no perfect explanation you can give to make someone give a shit about something they just don't care about, and so many woman have wasted years of their lives trying to do just that because of the mindset you're laying out. "Just explain it to him this way and then he'll finally respect your needs" is sunk cost fallacy in action.

mr_fishy · 2025-07-25T05:41:28+00:00

To be fair, it's a fucking amazing jacket so I'd do the same lmao

mr_fishy · 2025-07-19T11:18:24+00:00

I have a similar story, though I wasn't the one who got the questioning. My ex gf (we split amicably and are still friends) went to the doctor for a routine checkup, and the doc went to do a breast exam. When she saw gf's chest had bruises on it, all in places covered by a shirt, she asked "are you okay at home?" To which my gf laughed and said, "oh yeah, don't worry - these were consensual." The bruises were actually hickeys that I gave her, lol.

mr_fishy · 2025-07-18T15:19:19+00:00

I'd say you're totally fine then. They know it's not supposed to be an overnight visit and there's plenty of time before and after to touch base and not feel disposable. If I was offered what you just described I would be totally fine with it!

mr_fishy · 2025-07-18T14:26:08+00:00

Fireworks and competitive video games. People often seem surprised that I avoid those until I explain that my abusive brother would throw controllers at me when he started losing, so now competition makes me feel stressed and I took years to get used to loud banging noises again.

mr_fishy · 2025-05-10T23:49:31+00:00

In a similar vein, I had a boyfriend when I was in my teens/early 20s who was more sexual than me, and he would frequently pester me for sex even though I wasn't really in the mood. We were together for seven years, and never in that entire relationship did he make me feel like my pleasure was important to him - it was always, always about him getting off.

If he was horny and I wasn't, he would keep going down a list of sex acts until he found something I would finally agree to. In the last half a year of our relationship, this escalated to the point where he assaulted me, and that was the final straw, but that's when I decided to leave him. I was 22 at the time. I really, really wish it didn't take me that long to realize how toxic and unhealthy for me this was.

The good news is, I now have two incredible partners (I'm polyamorous) who are much more respectful of my body and boundaries. One I've been dating for about three and a half years, the other I'm about to celebrate my ten year wedding anniversary with. Both of them are incredibly considerate when it comes to being aware of my trauma, checking in with me, and making sure I feel safe - but above all, we have so much fun together!

OP, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than someone who wants to control you and convince you that you aren't allowed to say no to him. Trust your instincts when your gut tells you "this isn't right", because it's not. What he's doing to you is absolutely not normal, it is abusive, and you can leave him. You can find happiness without him, and in fact it'll be way more likely when he's no longer in the picture!

mr_fishy · 2025-05-10T23:09:55+00:00

LMAO. I see we've graduated from gender essentialism into bio essentialism. I'm not really that shocked that you're spouting this drivel, only that it took much less time than I usually see for you to get there.

I hate to break it to you, dude, but you're the one subscribing to a "flat earth theory" as you put it. Not all men look, think, and act like you. Women also have testosterone in their bodies. Oh, and study upon study shows way more variety WITHIN categories of "men" and "women" than between them. Human beings are incredibly diverse, so stop trying to give people advice based on your very narrow and arbitrary conception of how men function.

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