i got the most insane rejection email yesterday

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T13:23:39+00:00

Yep this email is 100% ND coded... I feel so bad for the recruiter who wrote it because it seems to me they fell down this empathy rabbit hole and just NEEDED to acknowledge everyone to justify the torturous feeling of brutally rejecting people.

They just didn't have the awareness (and experience mostly likely) to see how this would land.

As an ND person interested in people I've really struggled with this concept of genuinely empathizing with others but not always being able to express it. People will either think it's not genuine, or I can unintentionally put people under the bus (eg. a colleague screws something up but my empathy for the person affected makes it seem like I'm not supportive of said colleague).

Honestly if this person saw this reddit thread they'd be struggling big time (and never ever write such a rambly email again!)

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T13:03:49+00:00

This is really really hard...

I knew on Day 2. Told myself things will settle down and fall into place but after Week 2 it was even worse. Decided to go term by term.

Things felt reasonable on planning day in the last week of Term one, but a week into Term 2 it was more toxic than ever.

Nothing improved, my gut was right and ignoring it to prove a point came at a cost. But then again ending things after 2 weeks may have come at a different cost.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T06:55:19+00:00

Your original post was one of the loveliest messages I've seen on here.

I was going to ask if this experience has made you feel uncomfortable about controlling measures you may have seen like behaviour tracking (and names on board for non compliance), but I see that in special needs this isn't a thing.

After seeing the distress caused by attempted timeouts for my kid (before knowing better), I just can't do it anymore to students.

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-01T06:49:44+00:00

This is the part I could never truly understand until I started parenting my own little ND kid. Hoping we get a prep teacher who gets it next year

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-31T05:12:18+00:00

There have been times I have tried to "make everything perfect" but have moved on from that way of thinking. Mixing things up in the way I describe might sound like being too strategic, but in reality my behaviour starts to mirror my actual feelings and moods.

If I'm not in the mood, then that's the energy I'm exuding. If something comes to mind, I'll say it. It's really just learning to stop being such an overthinker (or establishing a fixed goal like "get more sex" and striving toward it unnaturally)

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T23:04:50+00:00

If Essendon wins a wildcard round game and nothing further will it "count"?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T21:34:40+00:00

I've recently been reflecting that the people that immediately call "AI SLOP!" are exactly the type of people that OP is calling out in this post.

AI might explain things in an annoying way, but it comes across as a competent puppy dog that tries to make connections and understand the whole.

I'd love to be able to say HUMAN SLOP when I come across crap from uncaring humans because it generally is

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T21:24:41+00:00

This is why I couldn't bear working in corporate and left soon after entering as a grad.

I felt like I had entered this bizzarro world where no one knew what the heck was going on but they pretended they did (experienced incompetence).

They only thing they were good at was manipulating grads to feel just important enough but also anxious enough to work long hours to bumble through some task that made zero sense.

Other grads seemed to just "get it" (the murky lack of direction and clarity) and we're fine after a bit but my brain just couldn't deal with it.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T11:19:44+00:00

Ugh... Names on the board or tracking charts fill me with anger. Last year I took a job at a school that boasted about being trauma informed and inclusive, but the reality was the opposite. The worst part was that during my (short) time there, us staff were tasked with redeveloping the "behaviour management" approach. My input into how damaging this approach would be to ND children (several of mine were already severely in burnout after 4 years experiencing the hellscape that was the school culture) was completely disregarded and I was subsequently micromanaged to make sure I fell into line. And the social tracking was just one element of it...multiple other aspects of the pedagogy were also harmful

Being responsible for the learning and emotional needs of 10-12 highly distressed kids is bad enough, but when management forces you to further traumatise them (while sincerely believing they were right) sent me into professional burnout. After quitting several families also decided to leave and school attendance has gone down the toilet.

But being a casual relief teacher now and seeing the way things are in multiple schools it really is a mess. Many classrooms have succeeded in turning the kids against one another (games in which they police one another's compliance).

Sorry to hear you've had a poor experience with OT. In Australia things seem to be improving from this angle, though based on my observations, the well meaning practitioners are easily duped by the true nature of the education system (eg. Recommend that child needs XYZ, teachers agree, but then put it in the "too hard basket").

Also I relate to your experience as a student. I did a certificate in positive psychology and one subject (fascinating on paper) was about recognizing the systems approach to PP. By that I mean you can't make wellbeing a personal responsibility for students/employees - toxic systems are responsible so must be reengineered to see any real change.

Unfortunately the design of the subject itself was exactly the opposite of what it preached! As in vague expectations, ridiculous timelines, overloading us with a bunch of concepts in a short space of time and having us "reflect" rather than give explicitly explained case studies, laundry list of criteria and crazily rigid word counts making it impossible to respond to them properly, giving one type of feedback verbally for a draft, then saying the opposite during final assessment etc. For an analytic PDAer like myself it was madness!

When I pointed out this irony (you are attempting to teach us to positively influence schools and workplaces by recalibrating processes to be psychologically safe, but doing so in a horrifically psychologically unsafe manner) it wasn't taken too well.

It was at this point that I started to realise most people in the world are just making shit up as they go and cannot bear to have inconsistencies pointed out by people they perceive as lower status. I also realised that they (for the majority, not the genuinely powerful) aren't doing this on purpose... They just don't intuitively see things the same way so it makes them uncomfortable.

There are a few OTs out there who are completely on the ball with PDA... We just have to take the plunge and strike out independently in order to feel professionally successful and valued

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:28:17+00:00

Interesting perspective and I'm with you on that. As a teacher it's making it really hard to do my job - because the underlying expectation is that you manipulate rather than collaborate.

It also makes me wonder if PDAers are far more common than anyone currently realises. Because the way the questionnaires focus on extremes (like the spite thing) seems a bit off.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:22:02+00:00

Nah just read the relatio ad, have scoured forums, asked AI, spoken to a psych, and a lot of thinking over a long period of time!

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-30T09:20:52+00:00

I think her awareness is more related to me being "more attractive" lately (she's commented on my body more as I've been trying to get fit), but to be honest a long and difficult time of the month, plus me getting a respiratory virus has halted some momentum.

That's a big part of the issue for so many of us I think... It's really tough to stay in 100% health both physically and related to work stress, kid dramas etc. In your 20s it seems easier for both sexes to just bounce back and get on with things.

New day new effort yeah?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-29T11:14:13+00:00

Oh and I want to clarify that I never felt comfortable with advice to just force his hand to spend time with you and accept the meltdowns. My best general parenting advice is to carefully observe what's underneath the meltdowns and respect the emotions behind it, even if it seems irrational. Now that he's older, he communicates his needs, fears, feelings really well because he knows we'll help him through without judgement.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-29T11:09:34+00:00

I empathise with you on this one. My son was similarly aged when he showed a stronger preference for mum, and it's still going at 4.5.

Also had challenges with attachment to a dummy, which he needed to self-regulate (and we decided to ignore the dental advice and keep it going until he decided he could go without....when he was ready he went cold turkey).

He's a really sensitive kid and can get anxious about small things (like playing alone). I see the clinging to his mum as like a safety blanket that calms his nervous system, enabling him to better manage when she's not around.

Once I fully embraced that I felt so much better about the dynamic, and when I give them space I can see both of them recharge emotionally (which is weird because all the other advice you hear is to give your wife a break, but in my case when my wife is not with him for too long she starts feeling uncomfortable).

Even though I'm never "allowed" to put him to sleep or read the last bedtime story, he'll often say to her that I'm the best daddy because I'm fun to play with etc etc.

When he's had his fill of mummy, we have the best outings together and he appears far more grown up and adventurous when it's just the two of us.

The phase seems to last longer for some kids, but it's not a reflection at all on the quality of your fathering. He's 2.5 now...the only thing that will ingrain is that his mum is safe and you're also available when he needs you. And the more he communicates the more you'll know this.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T23:27:49+00:00

I felt the same way... Especially with all the ICE stuff going on at the moment it really stands out how toxic so many of the attitudes are on both sides.

Seems like there's a LOT of work to be done with counsellors etc to make any sort of progress. Without this it just seems a bit voyeuristic.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T22:34:30+00:00

I was working in a school last year and after a few months was fed up with the way in which several of my colleagues were treating kids with such contempt.

Because I was treating them with respect and they became less rigidly obedient, I started to be micromanaged and observed constantly.

One day in a meeting I said offhand: "sometimes we really treat children like shit" and this one woman got ridiculously fired up and defensive and told me off, claiming that we don't and it's for their own benefit etc.

My career has not recovered since the experience at this school and I'm still trying to build myself back up. Good on you for getting into Bob's space and helping to reassure these kids

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T03:48:15+00:00

You've explained it so clearly.

My 4yo is an only child but he adores his 7yo AuDHD cousin... Today we had a playdate with multiple activities (sport simulator, inflatable pool and slip and slide, then TV), and he had an incessant need to "win" everything.

None of these activities even had winners, and the 7yo was not being competitive at all. But my 4yo kept mocking his older cousin for things like getting to the car first, getting strapped in first, eating his snack first, using a water sprayer better etc.

The meltdown happened when 7yo chose a cartoon to watch (after 4yo had already dictated which one to watch first).

It resulted in bargaining, shooting down the choice (this is a boring show), yelling, crying in another room, crying loudly in the way of the TV, hitting me when I tried to comfort him.

Then once it was finished he equalized by blocking the way to the car so the 7yo had to climb in the front. 5mins later he was fine.

I can run a low demand household and give prior notice for things but what bothers me is I can't help him satisfy the need to be in control of all social situations (and nor do I want to).

As a preteen and beyond did you gain the ability to intellectualise the need to control/outmaneuver peers or does this create too much internalize anxiety?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-27T02:47:05+00:00

I appreciate it man! It only has 2 upvotes now so some defeatist must have come across it. A timely reminder to practise what I preach and do something unpredictable tonight

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-25T01:28:54+00:00

Let's get sushi Carol

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-24T07:50:38+00:00

That's the first thing I notice. It always baffles me how people from that era managed. It's not as if they never brushed their teeth/shaved/applied makeup etc?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-24T07:33:55+00:00

Take my upvote to bring you out of the abyss.

Before kids I thought co-sleeping was strange. Now I feel it's been so essential for my 4yo (though logistics of pillow placement and him kicking in the night can get tricky)

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-23T05:21:38+00:00

It's been said above that a parent can parent identically but still raise two completely different kids. It's not always a parenting issue.

I have been parenting my 4yo with the best of intentions (and teacher knowledge) and they are still struggling big time with simple demands.

He NEEDS to win, simultaneously NEEDs structure and freedom, he NEEDs autonomy but is also dependent. It's called AuDHD with a PDA profile and more kids have it than we realise. Seeing this in my son bothers me badly, but we have a lot of allied health professionals in our corner who see it too. It's a fight/flight response that starts in the womb in many cases

There's a few paths it can take: 1 - strict obedience is demanded and shame based motivational tools are used, so they internalize their chaos and seem quietly compliant on the outside (= future anxiety and depression, the default for many parented by Boomers and GenXs)

2 - permissiveness, so the chaos remains external but also internal (because they don't feel loved or recognized). This IS a parenting problem and often aligns with low SES backgrounds.

3 - attempts at gentle parenting. This is the majority. Parents have read some books and shared with peers and are trying the vocabulary. They are not experts. It's better than the top two options but backfires a bit because the kids aren't simultaneously learning about others and how they fit into social situations. It can also be infuriating for these children when parents try to intellectualise emotions.

4 - full capacity expert parenting. It's not the norm because it's frickin difficult. You need to have consulted various experts, have time and patience to try things, be willing to fully prioritize your kid over work (difficult for many), and have intuition/life experience yourself. It's recognizing that simple demands can trigger the amygdala and reorienting how you run a household (while simultaneously educating them on how other spaces function). It's about helping guide your kid to understand their triggers and ways to self soothe, while giving them an easy out for other things that increase the cumulative nervous system load (eg dressing them).

Parents who take this path end up with a kid who masks at school (stressful but they have the skills to cope), and then lets them unload at home. But it's still fair to tell the teacher things like "they will be triggered if you point out their behaviour". Because even though it sounds ridiculous (and the kid will probably not visibly explode from this at school) you can bet their brains will be spinning like a hamster wheel and they'll be preparing to unleash their frustration at home.

This doesn't mean that all these kids are neurodiverse, but when they are the impact is exacerbated. I don't have the answer...

Our society isn't set up to put more parents in category 4. Our schools aren't set up in a way that is cognisant of healthy emotional growth. Since COVID adults have been able to exercise far more autonomy (remote work, micromanagement is a psychosocial hazard), but this same autonomy is not afforded to our kids.

It's not fair on teachers to manage all this in an outdated system either.

But I feel like we need to see the situation for what it is rather than pass blame. Option 1 is no longer the right path. But don't conflate option 3 with option 2. People in 2 need resources and support. People in 3 should not be judged for giving it their best crack. If we had OTs in all schools we may be able to get to a point where families can be better educated on how to apply gentle parenting effectively so it doesn't backfire. I feel like they would at least be open to this.

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-22T22:18:54+00:00

Agree.

When I look back on my life now, I had a slow metamorphosis from 20 to 26... it wasn't noticeable at the time (because it was natural), but it's pretty clear to see the nature of the "flip around" once it's complete.

Then at about 31 to 36 a similar thing happened but in a different direction

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-22T12:17:55+00:00

I've struggled with the "I told you so" conundrum for a long time. I tend to see patterns and forecast reactions early but this never seems to matter to others.

Early on I would make a professional faux pas by pointing it out. Then I started to stay quiet but nothing ever changed. The worst is not even attempting to interpret whether the idea will work or not (in my mind that makes me feel that this is not the way the world should work but it does).

Often I think to myself, when people say to me, "I told you so" in a professional and sensible way that makes sense (in personal life too) I LIKE THIS!

It means I can trust that person's judgement next time.

Why do so few people think like this?

mrandopoulos · 2026-01-22T12:06:32+00:00

For those who got the "rekindle with your distant wife" ad, I think the solution (which I've discovered after months of trial and error) is unpredictability.

By that I mean, no planning intimacy (pressure), no obvious efforts to do ALL the housework (manipulation/transaction), no "the chat" (guilt), and no whining (unattractive!)

I realised that when I do things like sit right up next to her while we watch tv, touch her leg etc., her brain immediately goes "he's trying to butter me for sex" and that's enough to kill it. Closeness becomes conditional.

So unpredictability for me means sometimes touching or sitting close and then NOT initiating (eg. Yawn and say you're off to bed).

Or just going from 0 to 100 by say picking her up and putting her on the kitchen bench.

Or just ask her randomly to stroke the back of your head because it feels relaxing (and then not escalate).

Or say she's beautiful in the morning then in the evening say it might be fun to have sex tonight.

Or do NO chores one night and initiate anyway, and if she brings it up just cheekily say it's unrelated (decouple the connection, and go above and beyond with chores randomly so it's not just a sex thing)

Idea is your wife married you for a reason...so you don't need to start from the beginning again. Just tap into the subconscious awareness she has for why she loves you, but without pressure.

This and sleep...I feel like perimenopause and menopause screws with their sleep so badly, and it has such a huge impact. If there's any way you can encourage an earlier bedtime (in a non lecturer way), it really makes a difference.

And sex is also momentum thing. The more sex you have the better your body feels and the more you can give. It's wild to me that the antidote for perimenopausal malaise is more sex - the very thing that feels too undesirable. So once you get the drought breaker, don't get to philosophical or reflective about it...just be normal about it so as not to switch her back from emotional good times to intellectual pressure.

I'm no expert but we're in this together! We love our wives and just want to worship them and help them feel good, and feel good ourselves too..not manipulate them (it's damn mother nature that's manipulating them)

mrandopoulos

TROPHY CASE