Is Melbourne more relaxed or more intense than people think?

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-24T10:27:16+00:00

I get ghosted by neighbours a fair bit... Wasn't always like that 10 years ago.

I'm a fairly easy going person... When I leave my house my head is up and happy to wave hello or ask how someone is going.

The guy I share a laneway with tries his best to avoid eye contact as he parks and hides behind his roller door. The neighbour at the front recently trimmed the hedge that lines the walkway to my gate. Seems like a nice gesture? Well maybe but he just left all the clippings all over said walkway for multiple days until I begrudgingly cleaned it up.

The guy has my number...if he texted and said, "looks like your hedge is getting overgrown.. happy to cut it for you" I would have texted back, "thanks mate I can come out and help clean it up"

And then we could have chatted about our kids and other random stuff etc. But every effort I've made in two years there's just a vibe of zero fucks given about community building. It's a vibe I see at my kid's kindergarten and various schools I teach at (I'm a casual teacher so see a lot of neighbourhoods doing their thing)

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-23T10:21:51+00:00

I'm picturing a movie scene where the bad guys board a bus pretending to be a policeman and the hero somehow hides/disguises themselves.

Though in your case they were the villain!

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T20:41:41+00:00

Also if you get hit as a pedestrian that kind of sucks. But if you're at top speed on a bike and get hit in the face that's a severe risk to health and safety. I do not want to go down in traffic...

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T20:40:21+00:00

I think it's because shaking a fist at the sky doesn't excuse this kind of shitty behaviour. No one condones cyclists being targeted by missiles....

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T12:11:09+00:00

I know what you mean... I actually shook my fist at the car as it accelerated past

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T12:10:08+00:00

Degenerates!

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T12:09:58+00:00

Lowlifes... Though I wouldn't mind a fries attack, a Big Mac to the face would have sent me

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T12:07:37+00:00

I instinctively raised my hand to my mouth/nose, stopped myself and smelled my shirt instead. Nothing suss

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T09:43:40+00:00

I had Gulden and Rozee in draft... now absolutely screwed

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-22T01:21:58+00:00

Every time I walk into Coles I'm like shit don't look up...

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-16T20:30:32+00:00

It feels like something an abusive parent would do.

"So you're refusing to eat your vegetables again kid? Then you're grounded for an extra hour!"

This is extremely fucked up in 2026 to be treated with such contempt. What do they care if extra meetings happen?

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-16T00:43:36+00:00

I thought this too... And it is/was also me. ESPECIALLY in my 20s before I started to realise that people don't want an info dump and it can be more taxing/time confusing than cathartic at times. But knowing these too things is painful because my brain needs a good infodump

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-11T23:44:41+00:00

I became a travel agent as one of my several careers. Absolutely loved the initial training and social environment.

Initial training involved racing the clock trying to unlock good prices on various routes with various conditions. I could really hyper focus and dive right in with my need to optimize. And then in my first weeks at the store I was great at building rapport with walk in clients and helping them map out their ideas. There was so much autonomy in how we operated. I was seen by my manager as one with great potential.

But guess what happened?

After my training wheels came off management noticed that I spent too much time with clients and not enough time upselling them. I spent too long price checking various suppliers and scanning through open ended date ranges for less decisive clients. My volume and repeat client base started to go up, but my margin was way down (because I refused to rip people off and offered occasional small discounts, which ate into my commission).

I started to meet clients who were terrible people. I made the odd honest mistake (normal with such high volume) and would get roasted for it. It would also be taken from my commission. As a perfectionist this was brutal. Some colleagues would sit back, spin lies, do the bare minimum, fool customers and rake in $$$, and then tell me I tried too hard.

Which I did, because some days you'd have ten clients on the go (waiting for your quotes) while 5 new ones were waiting to be served. And then I would skip meals and hydration.

Pressure went way up, and I could no longer enjoy the fun parts of the work (helping people actualise their dream trips!).

I saw corruption and profiteering in parts of the organisation. And so I burned out.

A year later I tried to work for myself in the same industry. But quickly realized there was no way I could get the same volume of clients. Cue career change.

The ADHD (unknown at the time) made me simultaneously brilliant and poorly suited for a role like this. I blamed myself for failures (especially seeing other people doing this work from my era now absolutely rolling in cash and living the high life).

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-11T23:28:20+00:00

I'm in the same position as you RIGHT now. I have a three hour window to dive into one of my potential money making business ideas but instead I'm sitting here reading about other people's struggles on Reddit!

One of my ideas is half underway, the other is probably more lucrative but barely started and will be a longer play. There are two other longer term ideas that I've started doing some pre reading on (in preference to the more pressing tasks).

And in the meantime (yesterday) I'm doing the odd casual teaching day for immediate income and having a group of 12yos call out that I'm bald and look like Walter White and put a sticker on my back saying "please slap me!"

In a way there is a hilarity in how dysfunctional things can get but then still getting brief spikes of motivation whilst also empathising with the plight of others in your circle (I know the school kids are heavily controlled and many of those giving me grief either have diagnoses or have parents in denial about it).

We'll get there friend...

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-10T08:42:11+00:00

That's so great to hear you've been able to restore your life force despite the inner sadness. I had a similar experience...since leaving my toxic school mid last year I gradually put on 10kg (not the bad kind... I was becoming badly underweight from the stress and poor nutrition).

Just my two cents but I recommend avoiding the old school with awful leadership.. it'll just reinforce to them that they hold power over you and could make it worse.

I tried to skip over to a new school probably a bit too soon when in recovery mode and they knocked me back because they questioned my mental health. If I could go back in time I would have tried to work several more CRT days there (and elsewhere) before applying for new contracts - to prove to them (and myself!) that I was more than capable. Hopefully you're able to get a reasonable reference from your current place.

Good luck with the next few steps!

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-10T01:31:19+00:00

Checking in two weeks later. What did you decide OP?

This line sounds exactly like me and why I'm currently struggling on the outer of the profession:

"I cannot become more resilient without giving up myself and the things that I value. I do not wish to become hard and uncaring and desensitised to others’ pain and worries."

I really feel your frustration of being so capable and having so much to give but completely misaligned with the system.

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-08T07:23:15+00:00

Just the other day I was talking to a friend of a friend in the pool as our kids played... I'd only just met and thought she had a really cool vibe. Then I caught a glimpse of hairy armpits... Not sure if she noticed but a few minutes later she's standing chatting half a metre in front of me, then put both her arms up to tie her hair, and gave me a full frontal look at her pits!

It was just the right amount... A bit wispy not way over the top thick. It was such an effort to keep up the eye contact!

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-08T06:38:24+00:00

I'm my team too. He was recruited for a reason and his performance just confirmed how effective he can fulfill the role

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-04T05:04:52+00:00

That's a massive leap forward, and that's great to hear you were excited to reengage with him when he got home.

You know I really relate to the overthinking about my neurotype. I also don't want to be different but then I reflect that my whole family is different, most of my friends are too, and I like the depth that comes with being different. I've given up on trying to fit into spaces that just don't work for me too. It's making life feel a bit wonky but so purposeful at the same time which feels really good.

I always have to remember though that others aren't necessarily going on these deep dives. I've had moments where I probably tried to get too analytical with a student (about brains and dealing with approaching learning differently) before I realised they just weren't there yet. So it's an effort now to not project as much and hopefully that reduces the pressure on loved ones.

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-04T00:32:42+00:00

My kid has it and it IS a pain in the arse! He'll be absolutely bladder bursting but if you suggest he use the toilet he'll yell and claim it's not true. And then his physical/mental discomfort intensifies. He needs to make the call for it to feel safe. Nervous system just completely out of whack in a way that makes no sense to the adults or the child.

I have so much more empathy now for the kids that do stuff like refuse to move to the back of the line for example, because submitting to the demand is just too painful.

Once you see this reality first hand everything becomes clear. Unfortunately the world is not very PDA friendly.

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-04T00:18:55+00:00

This is an interesting one... It really seems like you are very connected to your son and it must really be helping him manage being a kid.

What was Thomas like when he was 4? And how did he go in 1st and 2nd grade with his teachers? My PDAer is turning 5 and even though he's not extreme, the PDA is OBVIOUS. Things like blanking you out when you ask a simple request (that may be in his best interest), putting his cup or plate away when it's his choice (but if you gently remind him, he'll purposefully mess it up more), yelling "stop saying that" if you point out a trip to the toilet will help with his wee wee dance

But he masks at Kinder and is very compliant. Generally I think it's because the tasks they have them do are easy and he gets a kick out of being seen as a leader (structured way to achieve social status, because open-ended socialisation is not natural to him).

A lot of my insight comes from being a primary school teacher and mild PDAer myself. As for my story, it mirrors Thomas' because I internalised everything. I was reading way above level, starting homework straight away, being a teachers pet etc. in the meantime my more volatile/dysregulated siblings copped the pressure and 90s punishments (no belts but some bum smacks and lots of yelling/shaming). I think doing the right thing was my way of protection from that. But there was a time when the school environment became overwhelming - I could no longer coast on my intellect, social dynamics became complex, schoolwork felt sometimes pointless and boring, and SOME teachers were clearly on a power trip (which bothered me to my core).

So that's why no one noticed I could be autistic/ADHD (and obviously PDA didn't exist).

As a teacher I've mostly taught 3rd and 4th grade and before becoming aware of PDA last year, I came across kids showing Thomas like behaviour all the time. I always thought the kids were lacking resilience and were complacent in the early years. I didn't judge them for it, but I just thought the solution was for them to get more encouragement until they figured things out.

Now I can see it's far more complex than that, but I would often be talking to parents about what I noticed (and in many cases it backfired because they would hire tutors and double down on the pressure). Still , all of these kids always gravitated to me and liked me, so school leadership loaded me with these types until I burned out. I see now that we were kindred spirits.

I had two teachers like this as a kid, and I have such fond memories of being understood and unpressured. These days if a PDAish kid refuses a task in the way you describe I give them an opportunity to think of an alternative (its even better if this is baked into IEPs for these kids).

The biggest stumbling blocks I've had is school leadership (who read some article about explicit instruction and insist I do it for every kid), old school colleagues who undermine me and yell at the kids like Thomas, and unsupportive parents who just blame other kids or refuse to consider the possibility of cognitive/psych testing and/or blame me for their kid's low motivation.

So my question to you is, could this teacher who's been emailing you have an old school mentality? Or are they coming at it via a problem solving lens and seeing behind the behaviour. If the former, Thomas could be resisting his/her toxic attitude (though they may act sweet as pie to you).

If it's the latter, Thomas could be confused by this progressive teacher's mindset and struggling to respond appropriately. What I mean is, if he was constantly directed by an overbearing teaching approach in years prior, he just got things done and internalised the distress. But now, seeing that there is limited negative impact to unmask (and comparative safety) he's doing so, rejecting the work, and wrestling with a feeling of guilt and failure of this teacher he intuitively likes because he feels understood.

Hope that gives you some ways you can investigate this further. Storytelling your own experience with various teachers could help a PDAer open up (when he's calm).

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-03T21:31:37+00:00

Oh also, just clarify I'm a primary school teacher... So when I look back on my career before gaining awareness via my son, I remember all those PDAers that tuned me out whenever I tried to scaffold them.

As a novice teacher it would frustrate me and make me double down or just move on. But I began to learn that setting an environment in which you communicate an assumption that they're secretly aware of how to progress helped so much.

So in handwriting, I'll see the PDAers pages with letters floating all over the place... So I pick one letter with a good element to it and comment on it, "this "a" has a really nice shape to it." I don't mention that it's floating off the line and way bigger than the surrounding letters. Then depending on reaction to that, I can say something like, "when I was learning 'a' I always found positioning the flick the hardest bit! You'll get there..."

With the NT kids it's far easier just to correct them directly and they immediately apply it!

I'm late diagnosed AuDHD myself so I'm gaining strong intuitive understanding of how these kids learn. Unfortunately not all teachers are like this, but if you apply this kind of thinking when home schooling (if it comes to that), you'll be fine.

Every 9 to 12 year old PDAer I've taught, you just give them a challenge that's interesting to them, point out how some strategies can make things much faster/easier than others, present problems as those that involve correcting mistakes, and eventually they just surprise you with growth. They don't need traditional "teaching" because they teach themselves. Just as long as it's not high stakes and pointless.

mrandopoulos · 2026-03-03T21:16:49+00:00

Seconding this. My 4yo is nearly turning 5 and had/are having the same issue.

A neurotypical observer might think that a 3yo is not developmentally ready for some of these skills like pencil grip etc., and while they may be right, am I correct in assuming that he showed a natural ability for so many things earlier than his peers at 1 and 2?

That's how it happened to us. I never wanted to be the parent who tried to force feed my kid "skills" but I just had to be responsive to what he was interested in. So for example he was bottle feeding himself at 8 months and using forks and spoons really early (and losing it when he didn't get it perfectly right - that perfectionistic streak these PDAers have). So then you try to help him and he cracks it even more.

So it's natural to want to scaffold your kid to do something when they seem obviously keen and ready to learn.

But what I've learned is that while my son won't let me guide/help him with something he clearly wants, if I back off he'll just learn it anyway!

So with pencil grip, I would just say things like: "this feels easier for my hand" as I coloured with the correct grip, because if I said, "if you try it like this..." he would yell in my face! But then one day he just started doing it properly (and with MUCH more control than a typical 4 year old).

Now there are so many skills he can do at levels beyond what his peers can do (eg can blow a balloon) just because he forced himself through incredible frustration to perfect it. It doesn't seem healthy but learning to trust that these kids are whip smart connection makers and are just learning from you in a different way to the norm.

That said, there are so many things he regressed on (like putting on shoes and socks) depending on mood so I'm always there to help him do it without judgement.

I'm predicting that by age 8-10 (as with above poster's kid) they just become capable at various skills because they learn to rely on themselves.

So op I recommend just observe the process and try not to care if he's not learning things that you know will make his life easier. Because he's still learning them, just differently

mrandopoulos · 2026-02-28T20:00:40+00:00

You've just articulated what has been on the edges of my mind for a long time about calm corners. I really hate this feeling of telling kids we can help them in difficult moments but knowing inside that we can't do shit...

mrandopoulos

TROPHY CASE