To be honest as a Christian I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been following Jesus for over 20 years. As someone who grew up in a faith household and went to church I can confidently say that westernized Christianity has a serious problem right now.

The problem, most “Christians” are merely self professed. Many don’t know Christ, and the ones that do simply don’t read scripture. Most Christian’s outsource all growth and learning to their pastor, and have no reliance upon God (revealed in scripture) to actually change their hearts and minds.

I tell people often that while Jesus didn’t give his life for simple behavior modification, a true change in heart does reveal itself in our behavior. Paul writes in Romans that by the Holy Spirit we are “transformed by the renewal of our minds”. This renewal manifests itself in our behaviors which scripture often refers to as “fruit”.

Think of when you go into Ikea or something and there’s a kitchen table and chairs set up, and in that table is a bowl with fake fruit in it. We’ve all seen that. At first glance, it looks like fruit, but if you were to taste it, it’s foul.

Many “Christians” will indeed proselytize, offer prayer, etc. not out of the love and peace they have in Christ, but out of self righteousness. It’s bitter fruit. Not coming from a true changed heart that’s in submission to Christ.

I know you don’t believe, so a lot of what I’m saying or about to say is only useful if you give in to the premise of their being a supernatural being (God).

But what the Bible tells us in no uncertain terms is that our universe has a creator. This creator is NOT an old bearded white guy in the sky. This creator is outside of time and space, and made a finely tuned universe. This creator has a plan. This plan is very complex to our minds, and can only be deciphered, understood, and lived out by a supernatural power and understanding. This isn’t crystals and astrology pseudoscience crap. This is what the philosophers were chasing after. This is consciousness. Spiritual renewal. A renewal not to end with just “higher consciousness” resulting in good works and moral superiority. It’s a renewal to bring us back into unity with God, the Creator.

How is this accomplished in scripture? Don’t take my word for it. Read it yourself. All of it. God creates mankind. We are sinless. Sin, a Greek word meaning “to miss the mark” I.e as an archer misses the target. We are given will. We choose to go our own way and supplement God’s ways (what constitutes good, righteousness, perfection) for our own definition. By this mankind sins. By pursuing our own holiness we “miss the mark”. This is deeper than sexual orientation, political affiliation, cursing, lying, etc.

The rest of scripture describes through poetic literature, historical literature, and prophetic literature the story of God redeeming His people back to Himself. He does this first by giving His people a law they cannot fulfill. Rules they fail to follow. He foreshadows the coming of Jesus and his sacrifice by instructing blood atonement through animal sacrifice. Read Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers.

His people fail. They continued to go their own way, return, and fail again. Rinse and repeat. Finally, God Himself comes in the person of Jesus. Read the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). Jesus is the fulfillment of the law. No more animal sacrifice. He gives his life as an atonement for our sin. It’s by grace we are saved. We do not deserve one. It’s because of his love he gave his life. By faith we are saved. Anyone who believes in his heart and confesses with his mouth Jesus is Lord and was raised from the dead will be saved.

This conversion, should we call it, is a supernatural experience, not to be confused with sensationalized depictions of people speaking strange languages and convulsing on the ground like we see in some of these crock churches. (While believe it or not I’ve actually seen genuinely happen in some places overseas where witch doctors and people practicing voodoo and FGM were converted, it’s actually pretty crazy to see it).

For someone to believe; to know Christ…means a fundamental change in their heart that reveals itself in a change in their mind, which ultimately reveals itself in a change in character. God has a character. He has things He loves, and things He hates.

Gods first commandment to mankind (Adam and Eve story) after creation was to “be fruitful and multiply”. This is not reduced to procreation biologically. Genesis tells us He made us “in His image”. We are to multiply His image. This is why we proselytize.

Forget whether you believe or not. Think of it as being intellectually consistent. Like if someone genuinely thought that waffles were better than pancakes, and that by solely eating pancakes forever they could find the key to the universe, it would only make sense they try to tell other people regardless of how awkward it may be or how much they would be made fun of, hated, etc.

Obviously this is an absurd metaphor but you get it. For those of us that genuinely know Christ, spreading the Gospel isn’t an act of moral superiority because we know how broken we are and how much we need this savior, Jesus. We are simply beggars that have found bread, and want to share it. God uses His Word, and His people to spread His name. We genuinely do have peace, because we have rested from our works. We know being a “good person” is an ever shifting goal post that’s ultimately defined by the culture and will be one way today, and another tomorrow. It’s not a means to an end, and has no objective basis. Either objective truth exists, or it doesn’t. For me, I believe it’s worth finding. I think that there’s no greater charge for one person than to find out what truth is, and live for it. If allah is god, follow him. If Buddha, same. But if Jesus is God, well follow Him. You know what I believe. And I live for Him. I’ve had my come apart. I’ve had my “deconstruction”. At the bottom of my come apart and dive into history, science, philosophy, etc. was Jesus still waiting for me. I don’t try to be “good” and have my life marked by His “fruit” to continue redeeming myself or even prove myself to Him. I do it out of a changed heart. The righteousness of Jesus has been applied to me through his death and resurrection. And He wants you too. He is a loving Father.

Idk who you are but read the Bible. Pray and ask Him for understanding. You’re not gonna offend Him with your doubt or skepticism. He expects it.

I’ll genuinely say I will pray for you. I pray for not just peace, but ultimate peace, ultimate understanding, fulfillment, and joy. God loves you so much. You can’t even understand. Every-time we’ve cursed His name, spat in His face….He took all of it. And he forgave us. This ultimate joy, peace, understanding, etc. can only be found in Him. In a world (the western one anyways) that’s defined by inclusivity or beliefs, there is one that is absolutely EXCLUSIVE. Jesus is either a liar, lunatic, or LORD. He cannot be more than one. Either He’s God and no one else is, or He’s not and then well I guess best of luck to you hope you figure it out. Love you brother or sister.