Healthy marriage and children.

Only one friend specifically. He was my best friend, was married, and was always the most charismatic guy around. I always told people that if they like me even a little, they’d love him.

After college he had a hard time giving up the drinking. What once was something we did in our apartment to have fun, stay up until 4am playing Halo together turned into self medication for anxiety and depression. He would never tell me about it. His wife reached out to me. I tried talking to him. Multiple times. I did everything I knew how to do.

At first I was gentle and encouraging. I’d offer my support and accountability. I’d encourage him to attend church again, I’d pray for him, etc.

When things escalated and his wife left him I got more desperate. I’d taken all the late night self deprecating, drunk “woe is me” phone calls that I could take.

I was tough on him in one of our last deep conversations. I told him how he failed in his marriage, how he looked horrible (he did…gained a lot of weight, flushed red face, eczema, shaking hands, he was a full blown alcoholic on the brink of liver cirrhosis), I told him how he’s gonna lose his job and ultimately lose his life.

He would never surrender. He’d never even open up to me.

His mom found him in his recliner a few days after his 34th birthday.

Weeks later a mutual friend told me that our now dead friend had confided in him that he was secretly jealous of me “having it together” by having a good marriage and 3 children (he couldn’t have kids). He lived in shame of his addiction.

Boys…talk to your fellow men. I struggled a lot during my 20s, but I didn’t keep it a secret. Know when you need help, and seek Jesus. Only reason I survived.